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PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2014 6:59 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 03, 2014 2:31 pm
Posts: 7
My bf has been a PA since highschool. I have no idea on how serious it was but I just think that watching porn is actually normal for boys during highschool. He's 25 now, we've been together for 3 years and we don't live together. I found out about his addiction when I lived with him for a few days. That day when I discovered about it on his PC was the most shattering for me. He denied it at first but eventually admitted about his so called "hobby". He promised that he'd change and reassured me that he will seek help and would do anything not to lose me. But it has been several months now and I don't know how to prove it. We only see each other around 3 to 4 times a week due to our conflicting schedules.The only thing I can hold on to is his words and promises- that he's a changed man. He never even talked about therapies and counseling. Should I believe him? Should I be contented in his words or promises? I don't know if he cheated on me with other women or if his addiction still continues, but we're fine. Our sex life is fine. I just don't know if I should be trusting him or finding a way to really know if he has fully recovered.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2014 8:22 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
madlyinlove, my husband had his addiction before he married me and while he is still very early in recovery, after 30 years of this and knowing what I know now, if I had known it 30 years ago and had a clue what was coming, I would not have married him. That's just my situation and may not be applicable to yours. My heart goes out to you.

d


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2014 8:23 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
I am hoping some other people will chime in...

My boyfriend also viewed porn and I also felt that viewing porn was normal. I did notice the porn tended to be a bit extreme, but it honestly didn't really concern me. Then I noticed that he was looking at escort sites and the excuse was that it was just another form of porn...

Well, it wasn't. When I finally learned the truth about the full extent of his activities, I was utterly destroyed. I don't even have the words to express the devastation.

SA is a progressive disease. My boyfriend also promised he would stop and that things were under control. They were not. You say that your relationship is "fine" and your sex life is "fine." That means nothing, honestly. Ours was too...for a good long time...until the SA got worse...and the person I knew and loved disappeared...and our relationship went from good to downright weird.

By then, I had lost my perspective. When you are in a relationship and change is happening over time, it's easy to not notice how f*cked up things actually are.

Personally, I would not believe promises. I would believe actions. You should expect certain recovery steps to be happening. Please look here: http://www.posarc.com/recovery/addicts-obligations

You will never be able to "prove" that he has recovered, and thinking that way will lead to madness. Trust me.

Lastly, and I hope I won't offend you by saying this, but given your age, I feel that I should offer a bit of "motherly" advice. That is, please read as much as you can about SA and about recovery/relapse and then consider carefully how you proceed with this relationship. You must protect yourself. You cannot rely on your boyfriend to do that for you, no matter how much you may love one another.

I hope this makes sense. Please take care.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2014 1:15 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
Hi madlyinlove,
First, welcome to Recovery Nation. I'm not sure where you are in the healing lessons, but your questions will be answered as you do them and learn more about the nature of this kind of addiction. I also feel that when we are "madly in love," we are caught up in being in love and don't see the red flags or listen to what our gut is telling us.

That said, I'm going to jump in here in response to your statements and questions.
Quote:
But it has been several months now and I don't know how to prove it.
Don't even try to prove it. Trust your gut. Believe what he does, not what he says.
Quote:
The only thing I can hold on to is his words and promises- that he's a changed man.
Don't hold onto his words or promises. Recovery is a long hard road. Change comes only when the SA enters a program, gets help, and sincerely wants to become healthy for himself, not you, but for himself.
Quote:
He never even talked about therapies and counseling. Should I believe him? Should I be contented in his words or promises?
Have you asked him if he's sought help? If he hasn't, what then? Words and promises don't mean a thing to an SA. Protecting the addiction and continuing to live a duality will continue until he gets help. Abstinence is not recovery, either.
Quote:
I don't know if he cheated on me with other women or if his addiction still continues, but we're fine. Our sex life is fine.
You're fine? You're madly in love, too.
Quote:
I just don't know if I should be trusting him or finding a way to really know if he has fully recovered.
Full recovery takes hard work over a long period of time - often years. Even if he has begun some sort of recovery program, full recovery is down the road most likely. Trust him? No, trust your inner voice, your gut.

Frankly, if I had known what I was in for with my H - I would have run the other way. But like you, I was madly in love. His addiction didn't start until years after we were married, but nonetheless, he was a time bomb waiting to go off and there were red flags that I chose to ignore.

Hope this helps. Please do the lessons. Learn about the nature of this kind of addiction, and know that there are no easy answers or easy ways to fix the situation. It's his responsibility. You can take care of yourself, though. The workshop is laid out in a continuum with each lesson building on the previous ones to help you sort out all your concerns. :w:

Nellie James


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