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 Post subject: Feeling sick
PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2014 3:46 pm 

Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:40 am
Posts: 663
So my DH was always saying how much he doesn't want this divorce and he doesn't want me to leave etc etc etc. And that t was "my choice" to leave so he doesn't feel sorry for me that I am having a hard time finding a job, etc. Please. And he is always saying, even telling people, that he "really wanted to work on it" and that I'm "the one who chose to leave." REALLY? Yes, I chose to leave. Because you are still an active addict, still blameshifting, still lying to protect yourself! What kind of a choic is that?!?

Anyway. I saw something on an amazon order that he ordered a dress. And he didn't order a dress for me! And you know what he does with these dresses? He buys them for women. At least, he bought them for me on occasion. And they were always dresses that he thought would look sexy on me and sometimes he wanted me to wear them during our intimate times. And even if I ust wore them for fun, he bought them because he thought they would look cute, and pretty, and on some level, even though he may not even know it, it fulfills some sort of sexual fantatsy in his head. Really, it does, because they are always the same type of dress. Long and flowy. He loves the way a woman looks in that, and he loves the way they look underneath it and how it emphasizes things and I'm sure, this is yet another way for him to feed his fantasy.

WE ARE STILL MARRIED. I get it, I get it, we are separated with the intent to divorce. But you know what? Still married. To make it worse, he did this the DAY AFTER I left him. Which means, of course, that he had someone in mind before that day. He is such a frieking liar, saying he 'wasnt' interested' in this (other--one of many!) Woman and that he was 'not going to date anyone for a long time because it would take him so long to get over me' and that he 'really wanted to work on it with me.' LIARliarliarliar. Sometimes I really hate him. Really. I am trying to let this all go but today I just wanted to vomit. He also commented on this woman's photo on facebook. She does not speak the same language as him, and so he commented in the one or two words of hers he knew and it roughly translated to 'beautiful.' He has also learned foreign languages (not really learned, just learned a few words) for women. Yes. He has done that, and he is doing it again now to pursue this woman he claims he is not interested in. It makes me SICK. Literally.

I am really struggling with the rejection. I feel like he just totally has moved on already, and I'm just left dealing with it--as usual, being the one to really take the hit from his actions--again. I'm so angry too. Can anyone say, does this get better?

 Post subject: Re: Feeling sick
PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2014 4:14 pm 

Joined: Mon Sep 29, 2014 6:14 am
Posts: 52
I am very, very new to this forum, but I would like to say that it should get better. It is OK to vent. You are grieving the death of a relationship. I believe it is very important to go through that process so that you can recover and move on. There are many books on amazon to help with this. I have found them empowering... best wishes to you.

 Post subject: Re: Feeling sick
PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2014 8:09 pm 
Partner's Coach

Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 11:36 pm
Posts: 1291
I so relate to your post. Different specifics, similar effects. My last meeting with my husband to discuss our divorce was so upsetting to me I left feeling completely traumatized and I will be hurt by him forever if I stay connected to him in anyway. The things that he said and did hurt me so deeply I still have trouble talking about it.

I also relate to that feeling of hatred. We've been separated for about a year and a half. He wasted no time whatsoever in dating again. I went to see the sex addictions counselor who, after listening to what my husband had was doing, told me that if I get a sense my husband is going down that path, within 3 words to cut him off and just say stop. He has done and said so many things post-separation and I have yet to catch it before the damage to me is done. (E.g. hey I want to show you something...I look down at his phone to see the woman he's dating and he quickly swipes through several pictures of her and the places he has gone with her). When the hatred got to the point where it was affecting how I felt about our son, I realized I had to do something differently. But this last episode I felt it rearing up again. I had to let him know that I am withdrawing from him as completely as possible now because I am tired of being hurt by him.

A few things have helped me a bit.
~ I blocked him on facebook....I simply don't need to subject myself to what he does on facebook.
~ I have also had to accept the fact that he is going to tell a version of our marriage and break up that puts him in a better light, because really, normal women aren't going to date a man with his history if they knew the full story....not without making me or something/someone else the villian that "caused" all of it.
~ Look at him as a sad character, because really he has become a very sad person.
~ Look at myself as a good wife who tried my best.
~ Look at him as a poor husband and partner and realize it takes two
~ Realize that it is highly unlikely at this point that he will have some epiphany or say some thing that will make it all make sense. Not sure if that was ever possible but I realized I kept asking questions, hoping something he would say or do would make it all come together for me. What I've realized for myself is that this is like a jagged wound and really I just need time and space to heal from being hurt so deeply.
~ And writing here helps me sometimes. :sat:

Anyway, hope that helps some. I relate to the total tone of your post. So at least we aren't alone.


"What day is it,?" asked Pooh.
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.

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