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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2014 11:45 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2014 9:57 am
Posts: 16
I'm new to RN but feel like I am making good progress. As much as I hate how I was lied to and deceived and used all of these years, I allowed it to happen. There were lots of times when I should have trusted my gut. We could have dealt with this a long time ago. Anyway last night after we had been sleeping for a while, my SO rolled into me and started touching and caressing and kissing me. It felt so good. I can't remember the last time this happened. Then he said "Is it okay if I touch you?" I don't know if it was his tone of voice or what it was but my wall went up and I said "As long as you know you are touching me and not somebody in your imagination. " It was as if I had slapped him across the face. He flopped to his back and said "I'm ok. I'm ok." I asked what he meant. What's going on? He just said "I'm ok "and rolled over. I got up and got a glass of water. I wanted to kick him in the head. I felt like I had just saved myself from being violated yet again. This morning I asked him what it was all about. He said he didn't know. He didn't think he had been dreaming. He thought it was real but as soon as I said those words it completely turned him off. Now I'm really pissed! Is he trying to make me feel guilty for ruining the moment? If it had been real wouldn't he have said it was and keep going? Has anybody else had this sort of thing happen? On one hand I'm proud for trusting my gut but frustrated that he is making me feel guilty for it. OMG I'm going crazy!


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2014 12:07 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Sounds familiar. I mean we can't trust them, we don't know if they love or desire us, we know they are sexually compulsive, we don't know who they are in bed with, we don't know who we are in bed with, there's lots and lots of strong emotions, he probably doesn't know what he feels or thinks.

dnell


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2014 12:40 pm 
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Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2014 9:57 am
Posts: 16
Does it ever change or am I always going to wonder if it's me he wants? If it never changes what's the point of putting ourselves through this? Why hope for something that may never happen?


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2014 1:59 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
What I am learning at RN is that if I heal and thrive, no matter what my husband does with recovery, I will be okay. If my husband is sincere about recovery he can recover. I will know and feel it if and when he does. We could start to see if we could establish healthy intimacy with healthy sexuality. If I am healthy enough, I will make good decisions about waiting as he works on recovery; leaving if he does not recover; or whatever decision I need to make anywhere along the way that is good for me.

I sure hope there comes a day that makes this wait worthwhile. But, I don't know if that day will come. I need to continue to focus on me and my health. It's hard, I know, so very hard to do this healing work and wait and watch our partners try to recover The outcome is very, very risky and uncertain. But, what I am trying to focus on, it the outcome about me. Still working at it....

dnell


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