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 Post subject: Struggling
PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2014 12:05 pm 

Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2014 12:59 am
Posts: 33
I need to vent so I can try to gain some perspective. Feedback is always welcome and appreciated.

First an update at where I'm at. My husband bought an apartment and is moving out today. We both agreed it was for the best as it allows us the space to work on ourselves. I'm still in the "undecided" category regarding our relationship and unable to commit to letting go and moving on. I'm very committed to my marriage and am willing to wait and see how he does in recovery. Maybe this is wrong but, it's what I've decided for now.

Recently, my husband revealed to me that he is still in contact with one of his affair partners from 3 years ago. Once the affair ended, they remained friends, even while he was having other affairs. He told me he loved her then but, ended the affair because he didn't want to lose me. They are still "friends" and this bothers me immensely. He says she is easy to talk to and he can have open, honest conversations with her. He has not, as of yet, determined what his values or vision is. He has only just admitted he has problem and wants to fix it.
He says he is committed to fixing himself and will not commit to a relationship until he has, wether that is me or someone else. He says he still loves me and believes he loves her too. So, here I am again, feeling like second best and a choice that needs to be made. He says ultimately, he wants to find a way back to his family but, to me, his relationship with her is not conducive to that. More than anything, I want my husband to be fixed so that we can start over again and keep our family intact. But, that decision can't be made right now, I know. He says he wants to be friends with me as well while he works through this.

So, as of today, I've decided I will end the relationship. I will not sit in emotional limbo waiting for my husband to find he really doesn't value me after all. I am worth more than a decision to be made by him. I don't want to hurt anymore. We cannot be friends. At least not until he has made serious progress in recovery.

Am I wrong about feeling this way about his friendship with her? I have not started on the boundaries section of the workshop but, I beleive this is a boundary of mine. I will not persue a relationship with my husband while he maintains a relationship with his ex affair partner, even if it is "just friends". I've heard that way to many times. I won't give him an ultimatum. It is what it is. I just can't do it.

 Post subject: Re: Struggling
PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2014 12:18 pm 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 668
Oh, Ranger. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so painful.

Of course you are not wrong about your concerns about his relationship with his former affair partner. Of course you have a right to say he should have no contact with her.

He wants to have his cake and eat it too. This is not fair to you. Plus, I don't believe for a second that he can be "open and honest" with her. My husband also was searching for someone better than me since he thought I was so "hard" to deal with--hard to talk to, hard to be with, etc. Of course this is nonsense. In my view, it's their fear of intimacy and their need to distance themselves from us and blame us for that decision.

I admire your strength and clarity.

With compassion,

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