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PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2015 12:27 pm 
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Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2015 9:11 pm
Posts: 23
Ok, it's been over 7 months since D-day and things have been going very well. My husband has been committed to change and committed to being honest with me.

There is one particular woman (of the God knows how many) who somehow found out our last name and had contacted my husband thru facebook and social media before. He blocked her and has moved on. This woman is also one that I ended up finding a text from and her husband apparently saw a text from mine as well.

ANYWAY, today my husband tells me he got an email from her on his work email address (super creepy, stalker, but what can you expect from someone looking for sex on craigslist??). He told me he deleted it and does not have any plans to email or contact her in any way. He was nervous to tell me, but did because he doesn't want to keep secrets.

I feel the need to contact her husband. I think he has a right to know everything that went on, just as I finally know, after 18 years. I told myself if she contacted my husband again this is what I would do. Or at least to call her and tell her to leave it all alone. The problem is I know if I do my husband won't tell me the next time something happens in fear of what I will do in retaliation.

I need you all to tell me to let sleeping dogs lay or I am going to make a phone call this afternoon...I know myself! What would you do??


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2015 3:36 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
andsoitgoes - If I were in your shoes, the question I would ask myself (and it would be hard) is what do I really want to achieve? And, is my plan the best way to achieve it?

Are you trying to keep her away from your husband? If so, do you think you have any control over this? Do you trust your husband on staying away from her? Are you prepared to face the consequences if you talk to her husband and she lashes out in some unpredictable way? What if her husband lashes out in some unpredictable way? I guess what I am saying is that my image of how this interaction would happen may not be anywhere near the reality of what would happen.

Are you trying to punish her? God knows I would want to, but do you think this would be good for you?

I don't think you or I can know how her husband would feel about a phone call like this. Maybe it would be helpful to him, but maybe not.

And, do you want to do this behind your husband's back? Do you want to have secrets or deception? I'm not saying if it is right or wrong, only you can decide this, but I think this matter of how much openness and honesty you want to have with your husband is important to really think about.

My husband had an EA with a woman in my old community and I really wanted to call her to find out, from her perspective, what the heck happened. I didn't do it, though I had stood at pay phones multiple times about to dial her number. I didn't do it because I realized that I couldn't rely on her to talk to me at all, or if she did, to tell me the truth. She and my husband do not have contact with each other (and it is possible this is more of a fantasy relationship my husband had than anything in the real world) and I would not want to force her to contact him as a result of a call from me. And, finally, I didn't want to do this behind my husband's back because while I thought it would feel good, I know that ultimately it would make me feel bad and make things much worse than they already were. That was how I thought about my situation.

dnell


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2015 4:12 pm 
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Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2015 9:11 pm
Posts: 23
dnell-
Thank you for saying everything I knew and wanted to ignore due to the rage I feel.

My husband does know I want to contact her husband and if I did, I'd be unafraid to tell him I did so. His response was yours "how will it help"? And "I don't know what the backlash will be for our family". I obviously don't want to listen to him!

I guess I look at it like this, if someone told me 18 years ago it would have saved me from a lifetime of hurt and two children I would do anything to protect from hurting. I hate that no one told me, I don't want to be the reason someone else stays in the dark.

However, you are right, it won't change the past and will probably drive her to contact him more or get crazy.

Thanks again


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2015 11:35 am 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 11:36 pm
Posts: 1291
Another possibility is to ask your husband to send a no contact letter with you involved of course. I think such a letter could be an opportunity for him to state they hurt you and her husband, it was wrong, and he is devoting himself to you and your marriage. It could be done directly and respectfully.

While I agree it may not be best to contact him until you feel grounded yourself, I personally value marriage and agree I'd rather be informed than left in the dark. Is that your responsibility? I'm not sure anyone can answer that but you. There are a lot of variables and you really don't know how he could react. You could be hurt further since information like this unsettles most if not all of us. It could go in a lot of directions that you have no control over.

I'd suggest writing something rather than a phone call and waiting until you feel grounded and not driven by your own emotions. And sitting on it until you feel your intentions are coming from your values rather than your emotions.

Hard stuff. But having confronted a few of other women over the years, I've had the range of experiences to getting nasty messages on email/facebook for over 5 years, to receiving heart felt apologies to them hanging up on me. I haven't called any of their partners because many were single.

_________________

"What day is it,?" asked Pooh.
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.


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