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PostPosted: Thu Oct 22, 2015 6:33 am 
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Joined: Sat Oct 17, 2015 8:34 pm
Posts: 3
Dday was about 5 months ago, followed by more lying and finally full disclosure about 3 months ago. Since then my PA has given up his phone, email accounts and Facebook. Last week I found out he had slipped, after confronting him he confessed it had happened twice. He had been trying to white knuckle it and was afraid to admit the depths of his addiction to himself. After 3 days of fighting we've finally come to peace. But now comes the sex pet. I want to, I have needs too, but I don't know if this sends the wrong message that he can slip and I am still open to him. Thoughts?

He has shown sincere effort. He gave up computer access, smart phone, we have parental controls in all devices. Gave up cable. He has to ask for passwords from me to all electronics, 3 Saa meetings a week individual therapy and reck dry nation that he is embracing.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 22, 2015 7:44 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Hoo, boy....this was and is a tough issue for me. Here's how I think about it for me right now. What is important to me? How important is sex? Is it okay to have disconnected, non-loving sex? Is it okay for me to know/fear he is fantasizing about other women/girls? Is it okay to know/'fear that I am being used as a masturbation tool? Am I having connected, loving sex and not knowing it? Am I okay using him as a masturbation tool? Am I having loving sex? Do I want loving sex? Do I want loving sex with him?

Lots of questions, I know, so I just say trust what you feel. He will slip because of himself, not because of anything you do. This is important to know: his addiction and recovery has NOTHING to do with how much sex you have had or will have with him. So, right now, I think this about you.

My journey on this, until now, has been painful. I went through a long period of sexual anorexia since my husband preferred compulsive masturbation and fantasy to sex with me. He made up all sorts of reasons to blame me and demeaned me and thought I wasn't "pretty enough" or "hot enough". He made sure I knew this. Really, this was about protecting his addiction and his terror of intimacy, but in his mind it was all true and he got a raw deal with me and, heck, he was justified in what he was doing. In his mind, all men did it and he was just a poor victim of my inadequacy. No surprise given those messages I stopped wanting to have sex with him.

At some point a couple years back I somehow got us having sex again and I engaged in hysterical bonding. But, it wasn't connected sex. It wasn't loving sex. He was deeply into internet porn at this point and in order to even have sex with me he had to look at lots of porn. I didn't know this at the time, but once I learned it....ugh. Talk about feeling used. Talk about feeling degraded. I didn't know it, but I felt something was off. So, was it okay to have that kind of sex? It was for a while and then it wasn't.

Then I resumed sex since I felt so deprived and wanted to be as selfish as he had been. I'm not proud of this, but this is truthful. I was completely and utterly selfish and I used him as a masturbation tool. I was also angry and wanted to "show him what he was missing." Not nice, not loving, not great. But, that was what I was feeling. I didn't tell him any of this, but he felt it. Then the emptiness, soullessness and coldness of that kind of sex became intolerable to me.

Now, my husband is in active recovery. But, healthy sexuality and healthy intimacy....he's got a long way to go. So I struggle with this issue.

The most helpful thing I have learned is to pay attention to my feelings. And, to really think about my boundaries around this issue. They change over time and that is okay.

Ideally, I'd like to have fun, loving sex with a man I like, desire and respect. And, I want him to like, desire and respect me. I want to know he is WITH ME and WANTS ME. Ii want the sex to be based on mutual affection and desire. I don't want to be settled for, or used as a masturbation tool. I don't have the trust yet, or the ability to communicate honestly with my husband at this point to even get at these issues. But, that is my situation.

See how you feel. Don't be afraid to change your mind. Focus on yourself. Be honest and aware with yourself. I think that was the most helpful approach I learned.

dnell


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 23, 2015 4:56 am 
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Joined: Sat Oct 17, 2015 8:34 pm
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Thanks dnell. I can relate to going through the phases and needs and wants changing. I am sorry to hear what you were put through. My PA attitude was always use me, I'll take care of myself later. I hated that, just because he can use someone doesn't mean that I cannot want to. Now I am at the point where I just want what I have been deprived of all this time now I want to show him what it's like to not be connected. I know it's not right but it's how I feel. I have Ben very open with him about it which has hurt him. Now that he is ready to connect I am not. But it's good to know my feelings are normal.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 09, 2015 12:04 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 06, 2013 1:47 pm
Posts: 65
Be very careful about your decisions at this stage. You say that you have had a full disclosure, it is very early for a SA to disclose honestly. My DD was three years ago, I have had well over ten honest disclosures since then. I felt that I had the truth and I could return to having a sex life. The problem is my husband is also addicted to lying. Each time I have another further discovery I feel so violated. Each time I get another 'honest' disclosure I begin to trust then more lies. I thought that I meant more to my husband than this but now after three years I know that there will never be the thruth and I will never be able to make an informed decision because i will never now the depths of ih obsession and I feel that having sex with a man who still lusts over other women is not acceptable. what I am trying to say is only make a decision to return to sex if you are comfortable with the knowledge that there may well be more disclosures to follow. Sorry to be so pessimistic but it seems that most of us here spend years waiting for the through, some of us with never get it.


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