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PostPosted: Tue Nov 03, 2015 4:25 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 03, 2015 3:47 pm
Posts: 13
Hi everyone
I need to know I am not going off my head and there a couple of reasons I feel like I am at the moment. My partner is away on business this week and to say I am sitting here feeling anxious and stressed is an under statement! I am fairly confident that he isn't returning to his old ways however there is that sneaking doubt and I really don't like feeling like this.
The second issue at the moment is being around other women. I find myself watching females that I think are attractive and wonder if my partner would fantasize about them etc. Please tell me this is a process that I will go through and things will get easier. I do fine done comfort on being in this website with others who understand.
Thank you. :e:


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 04, 2015 4:38 am 
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Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:30 am
Posts: 95
Hi To the Future, I'm still very new to the healing process so I'm not sure how much advice I can offer, but I wanted to reply. I think it's very normal to feel anxious while your husband is away, if that formed part of his pattern when indulging in his SA. Trust takes a long time to come back (if ever). My husband had a porn addiction and being away from home was when he acted out. He is still away from home Mon-Fri and he tells me he no longer uses porn, but I have no idea if that's true or not. I have no control over it - all I can control is my own emotional equilibrium, so that's what I try to focus on. I would also imagine it's normal to look at other attractive women differently now, but hopefully you will move on from this in time, as I'm sure it's painful. Are you doing the Partner Workshop? If not, I would encourage you to do so.. it's really helpful.
Wishing you all the best,
B x


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 04, 2015 8:57 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
To the future - Yes, your response is what I and so many others experienced. One of the first things a coach told me was that early on after discovery to KNOW that my husband was acting out. Once I accepted this, while it made me sad and angry, it also helped me to start to detach. And detaching is what we need to learn to do. It's easier said than done. I understood this in my head, but not in the rest of me. Beachcomber says its well: keep doing the lessons and they help to learn to cope with this crisis. Know that there is NOTHING you can do to stop your husband from acting out. You didn't cause his addiction and you can't make him recover. This is a painful realization, but it is also a relief. Add to this that my husband, and most addicts, blame their partners for their acting out. Purging ourselves of these lies takes time, but it is part of healing.

Other women, and in my case girls. I felt so pathetic when I was scanning for them. These are my sisters! I HATED myself when I did this. But, this is a trigger for us and it is totally reasonable for us to be anxious. Here's what I did that helped. First, I spent as little time as possible with my husband in public. I was monitoring him and I felt like vomiting when he went into his "bobble head" scanning mode, and worse, when he "locked on" to a woman/girl. The look on his face.... I'll never get over it. So....this was too awful for me to experience so I severely limited my time with him in public. If I had to go out with him, I would pretend he wasn't there; I would try not to look at him by walking in front of him; or creating physical distance; or going into another room. In the car, I look out the passenger window (since he ALWAYS has to drive). It's not pretty, but it works for me. My husband is in active recovery, but he's still not really clear that this scanning/staring/ogling is part of his addiction. He kind of thinks it is, but he doesn't want to give it up. It's intoxicating to him. It's deeply damaging to me even though it's not about me. But, I know that he compares me to these women and girls and the comparison is negative. So, it's painful.

What really helped me was to go out by myself and to deliberately and consciously smile warmly and sincerely at every women and girl I saw: old, young, pretty, not pretty. This really helped me. So often I got such warm smiles back. Often I would have a brief and nice conversation. Nearly all women and girls do NOT want to be stared at and ogled by sex addicts. My husband is old enough to be their grandfather, and, ick, why would they want that? So, I feel solidarity with women and girls out there and I don't want to lose them in my life.

This gets easier as time goes on. The lessons really help. Detaching is important and that takes time. Keep posting here in the forum since support from other partners helps as well.

In solidarity,
dnell


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 04, 2015 1:51 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 03, 2015 3:47 pm
Posts: 13
Thank you both so much for your replies. I used to be such a bubbly happy person and just don't know who I am any more. I hate feeling the way I do but feel so powerless over it all at the moment. I am working through the workshop for my own sanity. I do ask if he is working on his individual recovery but I feel that has slipped and I wonder what the future holds if he doesn't continue with it. Very confusing and heartbreaking time.

Thanks again :g:


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