Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Thu Nov 21, 2019 7:06 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 4 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Wed Nov 25, 2015 6:58 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2015 2:51 pm
Posts: 65
I've been reading through a lot of the threads about sexual interaction with a SA partner. Most people say sex has at some point felt off, or empty or distant.

Ours never has so it has me confused. I feel like he's always been "present" and caring about my needs, I've never felt like a "masturbatory tool" as some have described.

I guess I'm trying to navigate all of this still and figure out what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to act.

We are just starting recovery and have had (protected) sex once (only after aeeing him follow through with qyite a few things and seeing some positive signs that he is sincere about recovery). I am trying to look for opinions on whether that is wrong or right, even though I know not all situations are the same.

I think I have this need to relate to others for some kind of support or path to follow and be able to put things neatly into boxes that I can check off, but I often don't relate to what I read about in these threads, especially when it comes to sex. I CAN relate to the feelings upon discovery of not knowing who this person is and feeling the rug ripped out from under you, feeling like part of our life together was a lie, I can relate to fighting the agonizing mental images, the anxiety attacks, etc.

I guess I'm still a little lost and trying to grab onto any kind of list of what I should and shouldn't do, even though I know that there really isn't one.

_________________
"Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when, you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?, I do not deserve
To wait around forever when, you were there first
First you get hurt, then you feel sorry."


-Cold War Kids


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Nov 26, 2015 7:13 am 
Offline

Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:30 am
Posts: 95
Hi Need-Hope,

Welcome to Recovery Nation and I'm sorry that you need to be here. As you know, there isn't really a guide book as to how we should feel at any stage in recovery - I know my feelings have been all over the place over the last 4-5 months since D-Day. I've really struggled with the instability of my emotions and all the lack of certainty in my life following his disclosure. It's really tempting to try to make things certain and figure them out, but I'm beginning to realise that I can't. Like your partner, my husband was always gentle and caring in terms of sex, although there were times when I felt his head was somewhere else and that maybe he wanted things to be a little 'rougher'. It was very subtle though. He was always 'on' as well and ready for sex, most likely due to his porn exposure.

It's good that your partner was caring towards you and that you felt like he was present with you. Are you trying to reconcile that with his disclosure and recovery?

There are other more experienced partners here who will be able to offer excellent advice, but I would imagine that it would help you to try to let go of the 'shoulds' and 'supposed to's' and go easy on yourself. Are you working through the Partner workshop? If not, I would recommend it - it has really helped me to get to grips with my feelings and feel more like I have my feet back on the ground.

All the best,
B x


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Nov 26, 2015 8:02 am 
Offline
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Hi Need-Hope - I think the best way to think about this is to trust yourself and your experiences. All of us have different experiences.
dnell


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Nov 26, 2015 8:31 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2015 2:51 pm
Posts: 65
Yes, I have started the workshop, I've only completed exercise 1 so far, but I just started it yesterday. I told my H that I'm leaving things open ended for now, I haven't made the choice to eventually stay or go, I've just made the choice to move forward together for now. Deep down I still love my H.

I guess I realize that I am trying to grasp onto anything that I can that seems like it will help me control the situation and follow the "rules" but I know rationally that there's no set course for coming back from this.

Thanks for your supportive words.

_________________
"Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when, you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?, I do not deserve
To wait around forever when, you were there first
First you get hurt, then you feel sorry."


-Cold War Kids


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 4 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Majestic-12 [Bot] and 4 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group