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PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2016 12:45 am 

Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Why am I still struggling, why am I still succumbing to the little crap hooks that are out there? Still glancing at Victoria Secret . . .

Because I am scared, because I am fearful, protecting my self from hurt, making me feel better about myself because I have been such a louse, having everything that anyone would want, family, job, status, friends but being involved with behavior that risked it all . . .because I am not confident that giving up everything, giving up all control will result in what I really want, a restored marriage and relationship with my wife, because I still want final say in how things are going to turn out. I know in my mind that I can't be doing this for someone else but doing this for me is still the process by which I want to achieve my ultimate goal of restoration with my wife. No one else that knows us knows . . .just me and her . . .

I know it has to do with lack of focus . . .being complacent . . not keeping being right on the forefront of my mind . . falling back into what is comfortable . . . looking for places that don't confront my past.

I am committed to being a "walking right person" . . .focused on God, living for Him, loving my wife and family . . I am committed to wanting to do things right, but little failures that seem to be a reflection of the big failures that I encountered seem to set me continually back . . .I cannot seem to escape the fact that I did all of these awful things, stole hundreds of thousands from my family, gave the money to scores of whores, betrayed my wife and myself and my family, lived a completely double life that led to a compete moral failure on my part.

I cannot give up, I will not give up desiring restoration of myself and my marriage . . .I am not defined by what I have done . . .I am no longer that person living the double life . . .the layers of crap that I have let strangle me that I thought in so many ways were gone seem to regenerate and grab hold of me in little ways . . .I am not obsessed with sexual desires for other women any longer, not living a secret life but not able to fully escape the past and the effect that it has on my wife . . .how can I move forward?

PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2016 11:35 am 
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Jun 17, 2014 6:37 pm
Posts: 161
Hi dback,

You seem to contradict yourself. You say you that you can not seem to escape the fact that you did these awful things yet then say you are not defined by what you've done. This sounds like you are in conflict with yourself. I would think that you need to resolve that and other possible conflicts in your life that make you feel negative about yourself and your actions. Whether they are your past or present actions, doesn't matter. What matters is how they make you feel about yourself.

It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. -David Henry Thoreau

PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2016 9:59 pm 
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Sat Jun 04, 2011 10:57 pm
Posts: 317
Hi DB,
It's pretty clear that there is much conflict in your self and life. One of your missions is to develop a healthy emotional life through self awareness and goals based decision making. So, your absolute commitment is essential for your own wellbeing. You've been here a relatively short time, please keep in mind the work you do to improve yourself only prepares you for working on you relationships. The work involved in repairing your relationships is additional to what you've done so far. There is never a guaranteed recovery from the loss of trust. Changing your behavior based on decisions driven by what you value is part of what reinforces your satisfaction and stabilizes how you approach decisions in the future, and you can only rely on a track record to illustrate your integrity and commitment. That said, Don't expect your wife to ever return to who she was before her world changed. Building a new life together is probably a better approach where she can discover what she needs to know and can make decisions that fit her own newly discovered needs.

I hope this helps, my own expectations and relationship with my wife have changed so much, and continues to be a work in progress.


PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2016 10:28 am 

Joined: Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm
Posts: 126
What i can add here is, that recovery is no linear process. There are ups and downs, for me recovery/transitioning to health is like a unrolled circle, a sine wave moving up over the time, a bit down in the winter, up in the summer, in early recovery there relapses happened in the valleys, today no longer. There is some part in us that wants recovery, and another part that wants to return to old habits. It is helpful for me to be aware of all those achievements that are threatened when returning to old habits. Embrace your life.

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