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PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 8:51 am 

Joined: Wed Jul 06, 2016 2:07 pm
Posts: 1
Hey everyone...
I'm new here, only young (relatively, late twenties).
So I've been with my OH for nearly four years now. A year into our relationship I found a note saying 'Tits?' and asked him to explain. He of course fobbed me off saying it was nothing. I probed more and he had been asking a girl online to show him.. yeah.
I forgave him and we moved on. A few months down the line I looked at his phone. Countless dating website apps, messenger apps. I looked through the messages and he had been messaging countless women telling them what he wanted to do to them and how he wanted to cheat on his partner (me). We went through a really terrible time there and it took me a long time to get over it. I still haven't gotten over it. I thought things were getting better then I checked his messages on facebook (6 months or so later) and found he had been saying dirty stuff to a girl on his friends list.
Big argument ensued again, but I stayed, again. When I first knew him I saw he had porn on his phone as well, pictures and all sorts. I tolod him to get rid of them and said that I find porn as bad as cheating.
The other day, we were out shopping, he had been to the public toilets so many times that I started wondering what the matter was, he was really tetchy and was just saying that he just needed to go all the time. I didn't let it lie so I looked at his phone when we got home. He had been videoing women in the shops and then going to the toilet.. I don't thinhk I need to explain why...
I just feel SO alone and like I'm not good enough. He's vowed to change, he's got an app that i suggested called Brain buddy, he's contacting a local counsellor for help but I just don't believe him.
He says he loves me and that he just felt he 'needed' to do all that stuff, not even that he particularly enjoyed it.
I can't tell anyone because he's worried he will lose friends if I speak to any of mine (which he is also friends with). I feel so angry and I can't even bear to look at him without feeling like I'm going to punch him or just be sick. His lack of respect for women (considering he calls himself a feminist) is just outrageous. I feel like I don't even know him anymore.

Any help would be really apprecited.

PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 12:24 pm 

Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 1:38 pm
Posts: 67
Hello Puffafish - sorry you have found yourself in this position but welcome to the forum. You are not alone. We have all been where you are now and, a day at a time, we are surviving and occasionally thriving. The internet is an insidious temptation and your partner has fallen, like so many before him, into a trap of his own construction. What.seemed like the way to escape from his problems has become the biggest problem of all. And Im afraid with porn and cybersex becoming so readily available to the underdeveloped brain, there are all too many young men getting hooked, and their partners' lives turned upside down.

First can I reassure you that this is nothing to do with you. Really. It doesn't matter what we look like, how sexy we act, what we wear or how we speak. They have accidentally programmed themselves to prefer the endless novelty of cybersex to being with live women. End of. In no way is this about you. He doesnt do it because of you or in spite of you. He just does it because he can't stop.

And it is probably true that he loves you, in a selfish, immature way. His problem doesnt make you less lovable. It does, however, mean that, if he doesnt recover, at some point you will be faced with a difficult decision. Just because he loves you does not mean you HAVE to put up with the situation. There is no pressure to make any decision yet - you are young and your mind will be mashed right now so take your time - but remember that it is YOUR decision and nobody else has the right to demand you decide one way or another. Just have as much compassion for yourself as for him. I haven't lived witb the addict for over a year but haven't given up on him yet -it was just easier to retain my own sanity if I wasnt living with his madness.

In my own experience and the experiences I have heard from others, many people in a relationship with an SA come to realise that their partner has been engaging, consciously or unconsciously, in one or more forms of emotional and mental abuse while keeping them in the dark. Now you are aware that he has been deceiving you, you may want to consider other ways he has been abusing you - e.g. bullying, emotional blackmail, gaslighting, manipulation, avoiding responsibility, etc. This will give you a fuller picture of the problems SA causes; it reduces an addict's empathy so they can't imagine how other people feel so they dont really consider the impact of their behaviours on others. Understanding these things will.stop you getting dragged along the emotional rollercoaster.

It is, ultimately, HIS problem to solve, not yours. He has to find a way out. You will probably want him to read umpteen books and join loads of groups but only he can truly engage with them.

I dont know where you are but if there is a local COSA or SAnon group you might want to give them a try. It is a safe place to share experiences with others. I go along but take the 'codependency' thing with a pinch of salt. You can 'take what you like and leave the rest'.

I'll leave it there for now as that's a lot to take in. Keep posting and know that we all care. You are not.alone.

Shell Shocked

'The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows'. Buddha.

PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2016 7:34 pm 

Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:20 am
Posts: 131
Very, very well said, SS!!!! Puffafish, it takes a long time to accept and understand that your relationship isnt what you thought it was. Read and educate yourself so you know what you are dealing with because even if this relationship doesn't work out, you may encounter the same behaviors with another man.......What SS said is so true and so sad about immature brains becoming warped and
that misogyny is so prevalent in our culture!!!

It is always OK in the end...if it's not OK, it's not the end!

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