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PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2016 12:53 pm 
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Sunday evening and a nice time out today, relaxing and interesting and the whole weekend has generally been like that, which is nice, but I know I need to deal better with the 'fantasy' zone of my head, as it affects me more than I realise and colours my action and judgement on a whole range of things. I'm too slow to realise this most of the time too, so I carry on until some greater drama affects me and things tend to fall in a heap again. Not a good, healthy cycle to follow.

One character behaviour that I noted on thinking back on today was that I can be too cheeky and a little bit sarcastic in my conversations. That's something that I need to be much more conscious of and (again) think before I open my mouth and review what I'm about to say! It's once again the case of 'First Thought Wrong' that I don't put into practice often enough. A case of slowing down the whole thought and action process and make sure I make the right choices along the way.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2016 2:31 pm 
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A better night overnight, more sleep and a clearer head and a steady, sound day today. I need to keep working away at it however, as I can get distracted too easily if I am not thinking about what I'm doing. My wife is out tonight too, so I'm starting off the evening with an RN session to help me stay in the right headspace for the rest of the evening and remind myself what I should be doing. I don't need to spoil anything or waste time on anything negative that gives me no benefit. My wife is stil unsure about me and my commitment to recovery and is understandably protecting her situation, so I don't need to do anything that will give her an excuse to be more upset with me than she can already be! I'm just trying to be stable, be grateful, be calm and think about what I'm doing and thinking.

I'm working on feeling better about what I'm doing and how I behave and what I can achieve at work and home, and that's helping me, and also remembering that sometimes my first thought is wrong - especially if it leads to addicitve thoughts - and I need to slow down and review where I am at, what I am doing and what I am thinking on a regular basis. It does help!


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 12, 2016 11:49 am 
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A dull and damp Saturday afternoon and getting back to RN to keep myself on programme. The week has gone OK generally, but I'm not dealing with fantasy scenarios as quickly and effectively as I should be. I'm making the wrong choices in that regard and not closing down the thought patterns like I should be, so it's affecting me. I realise this through seeing how my sleep patterns are (not always as good as I would like) and how I get more examples of 'first thought wrong' thinking processes. I start looking for trouble rather than being happy and proud to avoid trouble and keep heading in the right direction. This is important especially as I have a couple of days off at the beginning of next week and if I keep on this path, then the way leads to trouble I know! So, time to step back, reinforce my position and keep looking at the benefits of a clean life. I know I'm being more effective at work when I am clear in the head and just generally operate in a more stable way, from a more balanced position.

So, keep challenging my addicitve thoughts, celebrate when I make the right choice and look for all the benefits in my life. I have plenty positive going on around me, so I should just enjoy what I have and where I am at and be grateful. Things go OK for me when I'm clean and I need to keep accepting that it's OK for good things to happen. How good can I bear it?

I've just started rereading 'The Chimp Paradox' by Dr Steve Peters and it's a good reminder for me on how to act and behave and to deal with my emotional, addicitive side - my 'Chimp' in his terms. I need to talk to this side of me, acknowledge that it exists but disrupt it's thinking and actions with logic and rational debate and to continue to reprogramme myself to deal with emotional states and issues in a much better, healthier way. I can't afford for things to be any other way, as the negative consequences vastly outweigh the so called 'benefits' of acting out. Rereading Lesson 50 now and the way it talks about decision making chimes quite well with the book. Food for thought...


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 13, 2016 6:56 am 
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Sunday and my wife has picked up on my tense feeling and has challenged me about my behaviour in recent days. When this happens I go through a cycle of feelings of guilt, resentment, fear and shame, but I guess I've got used to it to some extent and also know that she is correct, so I can work through those fairly quickly now and I now move on to concentrate on what I can do to help her feel better and to make sure that I am doing my best now and to be seen to be doing my best as well. It's a bit of a funny charade, sort of 'acting as if' or role playing what someone with superhuman levels of willpower would be like, but it's the best thing for me to do that I can work out at this stage and I'm not sure what else I can do. I suppose in reality what I am doing is practicing or role playing how I should be acting all the time in all situations. That's better for me than being in any addicitve place or planning any addicitve style behavious when I am 'unsupervised' so it's got to be a more positive thing for me. I know that having a couple of days off ahead of me is the issue and having unstructured time and opportunity is not too healthy for me, so I have to deal with that better now as well. I have an afternoon now to sort it out!

So, meditation, having a plan/programme, concentrating on doing what I should be doing, challenging my addicitive thoughts and being happy and grateful for where I am at and what I have going for me in life. Keep at it - you can do it!

We are out at an event this afternoon as a present for my wife's upcoming birthday and so it's important for me especially right now to not do anything stupid or damaging or destructive as that will have an even worse effect. I need to step back and keep thinking about my actions and behaviours.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2016 10:48 am 
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Day 2 of my time off and I've not handled things as well as I could have. Rather than just powering through and not having any concerns, I've felt tempted, anxious, distracted and generally not as well as I could be, so hence feeling guilty and anxious and a bit stressed, so concentrating on calming that down and keeping in a strong, healthy place and doing what I am doing to the best of my abilities, so that I can feel happy and proud about that. I need to handle these situations better obviously! Have a stronger plan, have some goals and not let myself get mucked about by external factors - in this case waiting for some repair parts to be delivered that should have been with me on Friday and won't arrive for another hour or so. That has disrupted my organisation for the day and put me on the back foot to start with. Still, that is just life and normal type stuff happening, so it's up to me to deal with it better and healthier than I have been so far!

I have a couple of hours now to settle myself down and refocus on how I want to feel and behave and get on with things before I have any firm appointment times, so spending some time on RN and meditating will be good for me to do. Sets me back onto thr right mindset and helps disperse the unsettled feeling in my stomach. Will be glad to get rid of that! The churning, unsettled feeling always signifies guilt, fear and anxiety to me and is never a good feeling. I don't want this feeling, so I need to deal with it and 'dissolve' it out of my system. I'll feel much better once that happens!

Rest of the week I've got to concentrate on getting work up to date and using the evening times to finish off the projects I couldn't complete today. Getting things back together and sorting stuff out in a positive way will help me as well. That's always something to look forward to and I'll be glad when I can do that as it helps my self-esteem and self confidence when I can complete a project and make a positive difference. I've learnt to be grateful for making small 'wins' and completing simple tasks even, so will keep going along on that score as best I can!

Now to settle down and meditate to help disperse the unsettled feelings inside me. I don't want these feelings, so time for them to go!


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2016 10:48 am 
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Day 2 of my time off and I've not handled things as well as I could have. Rather than just powering through and not having any concerns, I've felt tempted, anxious, distracted and generally not as well as I could be, so hence feeling guilty and anxious and a bit stressed, so concentrating on calming that down and keeping in a strong, healthy place and doing what I am doing to the best of my abilities, so that I can feel happy and proud about that. I need to handle these situations better obviously! Have a stronger plan, have some goals and not let myself get mucked about by external factors - in this case waiting for some repair parts to be delivered that should have been with me on Friday and won't arrive for another hour or so. That has disrupted my organisation for the day and put me on the back foot to start with. Still, that is just life and normal type stuff happening, so it's up to me to deal with it better and healthier than I have been so far!

I have a couple of hours now to settle myself down and refocus on how I want to feel and behave and get on with things before I have any firm appointment times, so spending some time on RN and meditating will be good for me to do. Sets me back onto thr right mindset and helps disperse the unsettled feeling in my stomach. Will be glad to get rid of that! The churning, unsettled feeling always signifies guilt, fear and anxiety to me and is never a good feeling. I don't want this feeling, so I need to deal with it and 'dissolve' it out of my system. I'll feel much better once that happens!

Rest of the week I've got to concentrate on getting work up to date and using the evening times to finish off the projects I couldn't complete today. Getting things back together and sorting stuff out in a positive way will help me as well. That's always something to look forward to and I'll be glad when I can do that as it helps my self-esteem and self confidence when I can complete a project and make a positive difference. I've learnt to be grateful for making small 'wins' and completing simple tasks even, so will keep going along on that score as best I can!

Now to settle down and meditate to help disperse the unsettled feelings inside me. I don't want these feelings, so time for them to go!

Edit - just been reading something in the Community forum about values and it highlighted to me (again!) that when I'm not acting in accordance with my values is when I get this unhappy, unsettled, tense feeling in my gut. It's interesting to look back and see that sometimes when I was acting out that I had this feeling, so obviously I did have some values embedded in me at the time, but I just chose to not recognise them and acknowledge them, which I am trying to do all the time now. So, when I'm getting into the territory of compromising these values, I'm getting an instinctive reaction in my system, telling me that it's wrong. Now I don't want or like these feelings, so obviously the way to avoid that is to not compromise my values and generate them in the first place! I have the power and the ability to make the choice - I have control - so the responsibility lies with me then!


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2016 2:34 pm 
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Saturday evening after a busy few days, back to work on Wednesday and it seemed like I was running for three days to try and catch up and keep up, so things were a bit stressed, but overall I handled it OK and slept well the last few days and have had a pretty clear head too, which I'm grateful for. Today I've been trying to complete a few chores on my car and am making progress, but not as much as I would have liked, but I still did OK and I have tomorrow to get more done as well, so have to be relaxed about that. Feel a little tense about possibly having made a mistake and stuffed up something along the way of my repair, but I just have to face that situation if and when it arises. Other than that, had a peaceful day and got a few things done so have to be happy with the day overall. A peaceful evening tonight and an relaxed start to tomorrow again and it should all go smoothly with any luck.

Been trying to keep on top of my programme the last few days, by meditating, having some time out during the working day even just for a few minutes and by having a regular 'check in' with myself and trying to deal with any issues as quickly as possible as they arise and that seems to have helped me keep in the right space. I know I can do better at this and be more effective, so I need to keep working on improving in this area, but I'm going the right direction I know and it's so good to be able to switch off and sleep better than I have in the past. I've had times when it's been good sleep and times when it's been quite patchy and I much prefer the good, sound sleep pattern!

My wife has challenged me on a couple of issues this week which always send me through the emotional cycle I mentioned above, but we've been able to talk through them and I've stated my position well I feel and the issue has been put in the past - for now at least! - but it does remind me that my wife is operating at times on a thin level of tolerance so I need to be conscious of that and make sure I'm doing the best I can as that is good for both of us. I have an awful lot of trust to rebuild and a long way to go in our relationship, so being reminded of that on a semi-regular basis is, while a bit challenging and stessful for me, the healthy thing in the longer term and I need to remember that every time the situation arises. I also need to be aware of the external stresses she has based around her job and the uncertainty of future employment which brings stress into her life that then needs a release somewhere. Sometimes her 'releases' at me are not just about me, or not really about me at all, but I just can acknowledge them, and let her work it out of her system and make sure I listen fully to what she says and things will go better afterwards.

All good practice and role playing for me to deal with my life in a better way and to remember it's not all about me!


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2016 2:30 pm 
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My wife is working late tonight and I'm home alone at the moment, so just taking the time out to write in RN and keep reminding myself of what I should be doing. My wife still challenges me at times when she feels like I've not got my head in the right space and I don't want to be challenged like that, so I'm working to keep my head in the right space as best I can!

I know that a part of the issue I have in this situation is to do with feeling scared about being 'abandoned' and that this is a hangover 'gremlin' from my past that I still need to work on. If I do the right thing then I don't need to fear abandonment. There is also an element of 'thrill' that I am alone and nominally unsupervised and can do 'whatever I want' while she is not here, but that's just the addict talking and I need to talk that down as it only leads to trouble! So, here I am on RN for a little while to help me work these feelings out of my system and to keep myself safe and happy and healthy. Very grateful that RN is here!

Had some sad news last night that one of my uncles back on the other side of the world is in hospital with a very bad prognosis. I last saw him 18 months ago when he visited this country and seemed well, although it was slightly odd when I think back that he talked about it being his last trip and last chance to catch up with some friends and familiar places from his past time here. He always played his emotional cards close to his chest and so you never liked to pry with him, but it's been on my mind since we received the email from my brother about it. His is a very intelligent man and a deep thinker and very entreprenurial and always interesting to spend time withand it's hard to believe that he's about 4-5 years younger than my father, but not much longer for this world. He was my dear departed mother's closest sibling and her younger brother and was always very supportive of her in her health dramas. Her younger sisters (my maternal aunts) are having to deal with the situation there at the moment, along with his daughters and his estranged wife. A difficult time for them all and my heart goes out to them all. Getting old isn't always great...


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 27, 2016 2:29 pm 
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I know I've been lacking some inspiration and motivation the last few days, but back here again to keep pushing forward and keep on the right path. I've had a head cold the last 4/5 days and felt flat and sort of blah, but been very aware of not trying too much to go down the self pity, self deserving route, so kept pretty ok on that score, but feeling flat, poor sleep, a rather addled head and the added thing of having an uncle pass away on Wednesday evening hasn't added up to my best week overall. I know at night especially that I've struggled with fantasy and keeping my head in the right sort of place, but that's basically been counteracted by physically feeling too flat and unmotivated to do anything in regards to acting out, but that's not the best way to handle things overall...

So, as I get better and feel healthier over the next few days I need to make sure I step up on my programme again and keep up the work. I've got too much time and effort invested in my life and my future to stuff it up now with stupid behaviour.

Thinking about my uncle and the way he chose to live his life, he certainly made an effort to be morally and ethically correct at all times. He thought hard about the big decisions he made in his life, and once he had made them he stuck to them and saw them through to the best of his ability. He even thought enough about his life and his future and his family to write his surviving siblings a letter to be delivered to them the days after his death to tell them how much he loved them and valued them as his family. A difficult thing to do, but typical of the thought and style that he lived his life. I find myself getting emotional about it now and it's been a very emotional sort of week overall. I have a funeral to attend tomorrow as well, so there is going to be some more emotional stuff before we can settle clearly into next week too... Still, it is much healthier to be dealing with this and talking about it to my wife and my family back in Australia than it is to be bottling it up and trying to ignore the emotions amd pretending it's not happening and dealing with it by acting out. I know I'm not doing it perfectly, but I'm doing it the best I can and the best I know how to at the moment, so I can't do any better than my best at this time. As I grow and learn, I'll hopefully do better again in the future, but as it is right now, I'm trying my best. I think I need to go hug my wife now and reconnect with her. I've not been as present as I should be I realise, mainly I've been wrapped up in how I've been feeling physically and time to let that go and be more normal again.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2016 1:17 pm 
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Been an up and down few days - I seem to have had a mixed time healthwise of late and have had just had a couple of days off work for the first time in a long time with a dose of dizziness and vomiting. Rather slowed me down and was a rather radical weight loss programme, but I'm feeling better at least. So, yesterday was a write off as I stayed in bed all day and today has been slightly better and more productive, but still pretty low key. Been a bit tempted, but trying to balance that with meditation, resting and trying my best to stay calm and settled and peaceful. I know I've not been as productive as I could have been, but in some ways I felt I just needed to use the time to rest and regroup. I do feel a bit guilty about it, but when my body is telling me that I need to slow down for a bit, then I have to listen and accept that.

So, I need to get back to a work mode/mindset tomorrow and make sure I'm keeping on track to the best of my abilities. Now to do a few chores!


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 1:16 pm 
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So, health is returning to more normal state now and feeling more on top of things - for which I am most grateful! It's been a steady and productive weekend, with some good results on DIY chores and household stuff and a chance to have a nice time out today as well, making the most of the sunshine even though the weather was chilly. It's good to have a more positive mindset again and to be feeling like I am heading the right direction and doing better overall. I just need to keep working in this direction and maintain the positive thoughts and feelings and things will keep going well for me.

It feels in some ways that I've been lucky of late (well, the last few days at least), but rather than just think of it as purely luck, I'm trying to think of it as using my knowledge and abilities and planning ahead to help myself. Slowing down my thinking, considering what to do and then implementing the plan to the best of my abilities. Trying to be less reactionary and more proactive in what I'm doing and thinking. It certainly seems to work. I know that I have plenty of work to do and not everything will be good for me and work right each time, but having the right mindset and embracing the right 'way' of thinking will certainly help me. Now, how to make sure that I stay working and thinking this way? I've got to keep up the dialogue within myself, I've got to remember the goals and values I have and get up each morning and make the choice to do the right thing. Ultimately it's mind management and getting my priorities correct.

One of my values it to be as happy and positive as possible and remembering that I find is easier all the time. I'm always trying to avoid negative thoughts and look for positives in any situation. That helped me a lot last week when I was ill actually - more than I realised at the time. It's a very healthy choice for me. I know at times it frustrates my wife a bit, as she tends to express a negative opinion of someone or something forcefully and immediately and can't always appreciate why I am taking a more measured and relaxed approach to the same situation. I'm always trying to either let the situation pass me by or to try and consider an alternative point of view on something now when she just wants 100% agreement with her point of view at that time, but we can work it out and get past these issues now, which is a much better way to operate.

I'm wary now of all situations where people say they 'hate' something or someone or express some similar strong negative emotion. I can see now that it's not the right state of mind for me to be in or around and it's not (I feel) even very healthy for the person expressing those emotions. It's almost never appropriate to question those sorts of statements from people unless it's a very unusual and personal situation, but I do find myself now having more of a concern for the people who express themselves in this way, as to me it almost seems that they need to sit down and analyse the feelings and emotions inside themselves as if they are expressing all of these negative emotions regularly, then there may well be a deeper problem in their lives.

Still, I have enough trouble with dealing with my own feelings and emotions without going off and trying to be an expert on anyone else now... I have enough issues in trying to keep myself in the right place without worrying about where others are. All I can do is look after myself and try and limit contact with people who I feel are more negative than I would like to be around.

Back to work tomorrow and now trying to get back to a more organised, controlled system at work so that I can be more productive and make my life easier. We just need to keep at it. I have a staff review on Wednesday and what used to throw me into a emotional flap/turmoil I now see as a good, positive opportunity to have a discussion with my manager, so that's certainly a change over the last few years!


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 11, 2016 12:09 pm 
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Time seems to be flying at the moment. It's a week since I last logged in, which is a bit poor. I know that I'm feeling a bit more tempted the last couple of days, so better for me to sit here and write rather that get distracted and do something unhealthy...

This last week has generally gone well - for which I'm grateful. Good staff review put me into a postive mindset and even when I had a crap workday the next day after the review, I was able to handle it in a healthy manner and leave it behind me when the day was over, rather than brood on it or use it as an excuse to do anything wrong. A more healthy approach I feel. My wife is still suffering from a bad cold and while I'm trying to be helpful and supportive as best I can, there are times when she is short or tetchy with me, but I have to remember that it's primarily because she is feeling under the weather and is unhappy about that, rather than specifically about me. I've tried to suggest medicines to take etc, but it's ultimately down to her to deal with it, I can't force her in any way, so all I can do is help and support her in the choices and decisions she makes. positive thing is that her nasty manager left the buiulding earlier this week, so hopefully her work situation stabilises some more and she can be more positive about the future, which is a big thing being a drag on her emotionally. If I stay as stable as I can, that helps, but ultimately she needs to be sure within herself about the future before she can relax in any way and make more plans.

Otherwise, I just need to stay happy and positive and keep stability and calm about me as much as possible. After this week, work is likely to wind down to some extent as our customers close up for Christmas, but I need to use that time to make sure I concentrate on tidying up my systems and workload as much as possible and keep myself occupied in a healthy manner. I think (and hope) that this will be easier this year as I know I'm in a stronger place overall, mentally and emotionally, but I cannot never afford to be complacent in any way, so I've got to keep up the programme and concentrate on the benefits in my life. I have much to live for and be grateful for!


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 13, 2016 3:12 pm 
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Taking some quiet time now to get back to RN and think and write a little. Still surprisingly busy at work - it's a bit crazy there - but will hopefully quieten down next week and I will get a chance to catch up with some old, outstanding chores and clear my desk off a little! Still, have to be grateful that I am employed, doing ok and the company is busy and profitable so that they can keep on employing me. Much better off than many other people, so no real grounds for complaint there.

Mentally I don't have much time for anything else other than work when I'm at work and I'm finding myself rather worn out when I get home, which, I know, does leave me in a potentially vulnerable place if I don't take the time and effort to make healthy choices all the time. I've had a couple of nights when sleep has been a bit patchy and that is an unhealthy place for me to be in as I can easily get drawn into a fantasy world and that just saps my energy ultimately I find. I can talk myself through it and keep safe, but I would rather not be in that situaiton in the first place. So, I need to be better in the whole overall package. I know it's tiring to keep the concentration level up on being healthy and posiitve and in control - making the right choices - at the moment, but that's what I've got to do. The more I do it through all sorts of situaitons, the better it will be ultimately.

My wife is stuggling a bit still too - so that adds an extra dimension to things. She is more secure in her job as far as we can work out, but she's had a bad cough and cold for nearly 2 weeks now and it's very draining on her. I'm concerned about her obviously, but she gets tired and a bit annoyed if I fuss over her too much and standoffish and prickly if I'm not attentive enough, so I seem to be bouncing a bit between the two options at the moment... I'll just keep trying to plot the right course through life and our relationship and hopefully I get it more right than wrong along the way, but I do know that regardless, I've got to keep on trying to do my best. At the moment she is in a touchy mood, so important for me to make sure I'm doing my best, being positive, being helpful and staying calm and settled and not reacting or responding in any unhealthy way.

It all sounds a bit down and flat, but in reality life is good and there are lots of positive things to look forward to. Christmas is coming up fast, we will have a few days off to relax and enjoy ourselves and if I read some of the future signals correctly, then there will be plenty of positive things happening in 2017, so there is a lot to be happy and grateful for. I don't need the addiction in my life, if I am logical and analytical about it, it does not bring me anything positive bar a few fleeting minutes of pleasure, counterbalanced by a large amount of grief, guilt, shame etc etc, so there's no winners there.

So, tomorrow I'm not at work, so while I have a couple of set tasks to do, I need to make sure that I am keeping in the right headspace, being happy and calm and doing my best for both me and my wife. It's important for me to do so!


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 11:03 am 
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A day off today and done some running around this morning and taking time out now to get myself into the right state. I recognise now that when I'm 'unsupervised' that I can go off the rails too easily. Even if I don't act out, what I tend to do is snack unhealthily, and I did that today, so this is a precurser to doing worse, so I need to step back now and refocus on what I need to do to stay healthy and sober. Time now to think hard about what I want in life and what I need to do to get it. Helps me get back on track and get into the right mindset. So, writing here is part of the process, so is meditation and now choosing to go and do something healthy and positive. Get to it!


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 1:47 pm 
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Whew - 10 days since I last logged in here - not ideal, but life seems to gather extra pace at this time of year, between a busy time at work and a busy 'after hours' time, there doesn't seem to have been much time for recovery updates, but I guess the benefit of being busy is that I've not really had too much time to be distracted by anything negative. I know that there have been times when I've felt pressured - especially at work where it's been busier than expected - but I've tried to keep my head down, keep positive and just deal with things in front of me as I have been able to and overall it's gone OK. I would have liked to have more time to do things to a higher, better standard, but ultimately that's being a bit picky. I know I'm not compromising my personal standards/values that much really, but I know if a few situations I could have done better with more time, but I guess I've done as well as I can with the time and circumstances I had available to me. I do know that I need to be better as asking for help at times, but I am slowly improving on that score!

The last couple of days I've felt a bit tense and anxious and slightly guilty I know and it's taken me a bit of time to work out what is going on in that regard. I think what is happening is that I find myself being a bit more cheeky and sarcastic at work with my colleagues - in a fun, jesting sort of way generally, but I realise in that if I am starting to behave like that, then I am starting to develop a superior attitiude towards them and that is definitely not helpful, so I need to go back to regular readings of the 'just for today' card from the AA that has a series of sensible reminders for me about modesty, humility and a general sense of not being judgemental or anything like that. Helpful stuff for me to remember. I recognise the sarcastic undertones in my behaviour from previous years when I was in the addicition and that led to me feeling more deserving and more superior than my colleagues and that bred resentment and jealousy and lots of negative feelings that just led me in one bad direction, so recognising this situaiton is very important to me and I must be conscious of it all the time now. I see this all tied in with a growing self-confidence in myself (well - that's obvious I suppose...) and my abilities in my job. I know that I will never learn everything and have all the experience and knowledge of my work at my fingertips, so I have to remember that it's a balance and that I can use my brain for positive work and results and not waste it on rubbish and that that while I can grow more sure of my judgement and abilities, I can never let it stray over into the realm of self-confidence and superiority that it was in my past life. Back to the 'Just for Today' type of thing I guess.

So, after Christmas when I'm back to work, I have to remember that I want to laugh with and not at my colleagues and that I don't want to be like I was in the past. I'm very lucky and I just need to be grateful for what I have and where I am at. I could all too easily be alone right now and living a miserable sad lonely existance with only pornography for company mainly, so be grateful for where I am and what I have! I want to work in a happy, friendly environment and to be able to share a joke and a laugh, but not to be critical or hurtful towards my workmates. I don't know how to do their jobs or what their pressures are, so I have no right to be judgemental. I have done things potentially a lot worse and a lot more damaging in my life than they have, so I have forfeited my right to be judgemental.

2016 has been a year of turmoil in places, both in my life and in the world in general and could create problems in the future, but all I can do is look after my own life and situation to the best of my ability. Potentially there are difficult times out in the world for 2017, but hopefully some clear and cool heads prevail in all sorts of areas and things don't turn out as gloomy as they possibly could do. If they do, I can just hope and pray that we all keep as safe and healthy and calm as possible and work through things to a better future. Merry Christmas to all in the RN world and I hope that 2017 brings more people into the recovery fold and that there are positives in everyone's life in 2017.


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