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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2014 7:00 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
The health check that I promised myself:


Have I done anything, thought anything, said anything that I am ashamed of recently?
UNFORTUNATELY YES
MY ANGER TURNED INTO A DEFENSIVE REACTION ONE THAT I REGRET


Have I not done anything, not thought anything, not said anything that I am ashamed of recently? I AM GOOD HERE I OWN MY SHAME AND WILL NOT ALLOW IT TO INFLUENCE NEVER MIND CONTROL ME


Have I done anything to be proud of r?
I HAVE BEEN HONEST WITH AND TO MYSELF AND I HAVE BEEN SUPPORTIVE TOWARDS THE WOMAN I LOVED
I AM NOW COMPLETELY FREE FROM MY PREVIOUS LIES

Have I kept to my values? YES

Have I kept to my and others boundaries? YES

Have I recognised and managed my emotions ? YES I HAVE REALISED THAT EMOTIONS ARE BEST LEFT ALONE AS THEY DEAL WITH THEMSELVES AND THIS IS GETTING EASIER

Have I had any urges ? NO CANNOT BELIEVE I EVER WILL AGAIN - SO KENZO WATCH THE COMPLACENCY

Have I been Happy? YES BUT ALSO UNHAPPY I GUESS THIS IS NORMAL, MY MOST HAPPINESS WAS WHEN MY EX TALKED ABOUT RE- MARRIAGE , MY LEAST WHEN SHE ADDED CAVEATS (SHE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO DO THIS )
Have I felt remorse ? YES

Have I recognised and accepted that I need to seek out happiness and increase my self esteem? YES, I HAVE ACCEPTED REALITY AND MY SELF ESTEEM IS GROWING
Have I increased my esteem ?YES I AM REALLY AN OK GUY
Have I felt lonely ?YES SOMETIMES BUT WE ALL DO
Did I exercise- SOME WALKING BUT NO WHERE NEAR ENOUGH
did I over eat ? NO
did I drink too much? YES
did I open up some more NO I HAVE ALREADY OPENED TO MY CORE AS SAID I KNOW WHO I WAS AND I APPRECIATE WHO I AM NOW
did I try to help my ex in her healing YES BUT DOES SHE RECOGNISE THIS - I DOUBT IT BUT THAT DOES NOT MATTER
did I succeed in helping my ex in her healing NO,
will this prevent me from trying NO I WILL TAKE MY LOVE FOR HER TO MY GRAVE
Have I moved further from my addiction OH YES
Have I contributed to my well being YES
Have I contributed to the well being of others I HOPE AND BELIEVE SO
Do I love myself NOT YET BUT AT LEAST I LIKE MYSELF

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2014 5:55 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Location: UK
Quote:
Have I been Happy? YES BUT ALSO UNHAPPY I GUESS THIS IS NORMAL, MY MOST HAPPINESS WAS WHEN MY EX TALKED ABOUT RE- MARRIAGE , MY LEAST WHEN SHE ADDED CAVEATS (SHE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO DO THIS )


it has been a few days now since this suggestion was voiced and I have thought about it almost constantly

I want to re marry my ex I love her

would I re marry and expose her to further pain or even risk of further pain WTF (excuse the French)
will it happen?
I dream of it but actually doubt it as her healing has not really started yet IMO
would it hurt / affect me if it does not happen?
Oh yes
but I know it would not push me backwards towards the old life that I led
Kenzo live the life that you currently have and be grateful
embrace what healthy options open up to you

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2014 5:43 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
copied from the white and good side
thanks for this

Quote:
Four R's of a sincere apology

Recognize what they did wrong. One way is by restating it specifically and objectively and how it impacted the offended person.
Take responsibility for the action that caused the hurt without excuses such as bad childhood, drinking, forgetting, etc.
Show remorse for the behavior. Sincerity can not be faked long.
Reparation or give something back, atone for what was taken.


a basic lesson in growing up

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 03, 2014 7:35 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
well here we are November 4 2014
5 years post D day
it has been some journey
I have posted before that my D day saved my life
it was and still is the BEST "worst" day of my 63 years
it hurt my ex so deeply but it is not her pain on that day that remains so poignant , it is my failure to declare who and what I was when we first met
my decision to make choices on her behalf by deceit that I have the most remorse for
It killed our marriage
I killed our marriage
God bless her, she cannot forgive me but I know that we still love each other
are we in love?
I am with her but she is still trying to find the real me
the me that I discovered here on RN
she does not trust me, but I do and in time I hope and pray that she will see that I am more deeds than words
I have said it before but repeat
Coach Jon God bless I thank you

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 25, 2014 7:31 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
reading and reflecting in my thread , just as I recommend others to do
I remind myself of the four agreements
They are
Quote:
Be impeccable with your word

Don’t take anything personally

Don’t make assumptions

Always do your best

am I living with these?
with the exception of not taking things personally yes, and I am greatly improving with this

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2014 7:51 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
Hello Kenzo

I was going to do a health check but realised that I dont need to
Complacent?
NO
I read some of my early posts and considered then where I am now
WOW
I am so proud of what I have changed
perhaps this could be my last post on this thread?
lets see

Kenzo I no longer hate you
do I love you? jury still out but my goodness I respect you

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2015 7:09 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
read this on Andrew WA's post
just needed to copy it
bang on the money thanks Andrew
Quote:
Remember the bigger goals and when you are tempted by short term rewards, remember to ask why!

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2015 7:16 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
thanks TaD for posting this
Quote:
Dear friend,

As someone who knows what it feels like to look in the mirror and feel utter shame and humiliation at the person looking back, I congratulate you for having the courage to seek help. As an adult, it is not easy to admit that you have not yet learned how to manage your life. That you are immature. It is hard to accept that you mismanaged your life to the point where you must rely on pornography, masturbation, and/or other sexually-compulsive behavior to achieve emotional fulfillment (albeit temporary). It is painful to know that to accept the reality of your addiction is to accept having lost so much of your life already. Accepting that certain areas of your potential are now beyond reach. For me, this realization was gut-wrenching. Almost to the point where I convinced myself that recovery wasn't even worth the effort. Rebuilding my life...redefining my identity...they would serve no real purpose as 'the damage was already done...and it was too great to overcome.'

Facing the realization that your life is far from what you have thought it to be, to stand here today and say to the world, "I don't like the person that I have become and I am going to do something about it" is admirable. To accept the consequences of the life you have led to this point, and commit yourself to making amends for that past by first building a healthy life is remarkable. Millions--read that again--millions of people have been where you are and have chosen to walk away from a healthy recovery. They've chosen to continue on with their addiction 'just one more time'...or 'just under certain conditions'. They have chosen to hide behind 'recovery'--without actually pursuing change. They have chosen to close their eyes in the face of the intensity of an emotional urge and declare that they are powerless to manage those emotions. You do not have to choose that path. That you may choose to rebuild your life from the ground up...develop a value system that to this point has gone malnourished...develop maturity in your emotions to the point where even the shame of the past can be put into its proper and healthy perspective...my friend, that is worthy of much respect. You may not receive this respect from others early on, but commit to real and permanent change and it will come.

What is recovery?
For some, recovery means admitting that they are an addict, will always be an addict, and committing themselves to a lifetime of recovery. They surrender. Without even being trained in battle, they surrender the fight. They nestle themselves in the comfort and safety of being "in recovery"...and use this as a shield to protect the very compulsive behavior they are professing to want to end. Recovery can be and should be so much more. Your decision to actively participate in this workshop means that you have made the decision to permanently change the course of your life. And while this must be a personal--even selfish--commitment that you are making, do recognize that the consequences of such a transition will play out in the lives of all who know you, and in the lives of those you have not yet met.

By committing yourself to ending the patterns of addiction in your life, you will have the opportunity to develop pride and respect in the choices that you make and the life that you lead. This is an awesome foundation for rebuilding a fulfilling, healthy life. The next several months, if you let them, will provide you with the opportunity to ingrain patterns that will forever eliminate the need for addiction. Whether you believe this to be true at the moment is irrelevant. All that matters is that, when you take an honest look at your life, you come to the conclusion that this is not the life that you want to lead. And that you commit yourself to changing it. The rest will take care of itself.

Nobody Can Understand...
If you're like most struggling with compulsive sexual and/or romantic behavior, you have a strong belief that you are unique. That no one else thinks the way that you do--or feels the way that you do. The intensity of your sexual desire has convinced you that you are capable of experiencing life on a plain that others just can't understand. That society's rules regarding romantic and/or sexual behavior are guidelines for others to follow, not you. Your behaviors, no matter how strange they may be or how often you may perform them, seem to be a completely natural part of your life. Consciously, you know that if caught, others would see you as perverted or immoral, but you know in your heart that you are not. You're just different. And since you take precautions so that your secrets are never exposed, you convince yourself that there is no harm in continuing for just one more day.

Or, you may be completely ashamed of your compulsive behavior, perhaps even repulsed by it. You know that it is wrong both personally and socially, but for some reason you cannot stop. You continue acting in ways that contradict your values, morals and your sense of right/wrong. You hate yourself for it. You hate others for it. Yet, you continue.

Having to manage your life within the context of sexual and/or romantic compulsions is to live two lives. To society, you must present a life in control (at least early in the addiction process). You most likely present yourself in one of several ways (though certainly not an all-encompassing list):
as an "overachiever"--highly motivated, intelligent and successful. Or, believe that you would be successful if ever given the opportunity
as a dedicated, caring employee in a career that is somehow involved with public service...one that most likely involves assisting people who come to you with personal comfort needs (seeking emotional, physical comfort, safety and/or guidance in times of need)
as a self-perceived "underachiever". Feeling trapped in a lifestyle that is not fulfilling. Easily overwhelmed by everyday life.
as one of aloofness--not caring about your role in society and making a point to let society know just how much you don't care
In all scenarios, your thoughts tend to be obsessive and ruminating at times, and you welcome the opportunity to escape the pressure of those thoughts through the compulsive rituals you engage in. Though you may not be aware of it, you or someone with great influence over you, has placed an enormous pressure on your life. This pressure is usually one involving the push for success, severe trauma or some other major event that was never fully resolved. Socially, you fall into one of two categories: you are either completely at ease in social settings (for reasons that we will explore later in the workshop), or you are painfully uncomfortable. Because of the secrecy involved with sexual addiction and the fusion of fantasy into one's real life (after extended periods of addiction), social isolation tends to be the most common. Depending on your behavior and your primary role in society (teacher, pastor, coach, politician, doctor, etc.), you either suffer from a significant amount of guilt and shame, or you are completely indifferent to what you have done. Rarely are their moderations.

Your second life, created within your thoughts and fantasy, is the life for which you feel most comfortable. Often, it is through these thoughts and fantasies that you experience the compulsiveness of your behaviors. It is within these thoughts and fantasies that you are able to feel normal--just as long as they are kept separate from your "other life". Both the energy needed to keep these thoughts and behaviors secret, and the eventual integration of these secrets into the roles you play are cause for unbearable stress. So much stress, in fact, that the idea of being caught can sometimes lead to the ultimate irrational thoughts involving suicide and/or murder.

If you have previously sought treatment and failed, it is because you believe that nobody can truly understand you and that you are simply the way that you are and nothing will change this. To appease the real world--the courts, therapists, loved ones--you will dutifully go through yet another "recovery" effort, but you will never rid yourself of the secret comfort that you find in your continuing sexual/romantic thoughts. You are certain that you will never be able to control these thoughts, and believe that any attempts to do so will fail. If you are sincere about recovery, your initial feelings about attending a structured recovery program (through a treatment center, twelve-step program, etc.) are at first a relief, as you are finally able to share most of the secrets you have been keeping and find both comfort and absolution in a caring support system. Additionally, you are rewarded with your decision by no longer having to take responsibility for your own recovery's success. You find a subtle comfort in saying things like, "I'm in a twelve-step program." "I've been seeing a therapist for three years." "I've tried six different treatment programs." This allows you to excuse yourself for the fact that, internally, you are still engaged in the secret thoughts and/or behaviors that you know to be unhealthy, but that you cannot stop.

To seemingly reinforce your belief that you cannot stop these behaviors, society broadcasts that message with every newscast about repeat sexual offenders. Both the frequent declaration that sexual addicts have the highest rate of recidivism and the mental health professionals who outwardly declare that it is the one addiction that cannot be treated permanently does nothing to encourage sexual addicts to seek treatment. Additionally, the hatred and repulsiveness that society often attaches to word of yet another parolee engaged in yet another horrific sexual crime continues to reinforce the notion (and shame) that "once a sexual addict, always a sexual addict." With society's need to condemn all sexual deviants, your inner belief that you are certainly "not one of them", a primary recovery model that lumps all sexual addicts into the same "diseased" category--what possible chance do you have to ever recover. 100%.

The first thing you need to understand is that they are wrong. As a society and as a business, recovery from sexual addiction has failed. The truth is that recovery from sexual addiction is no more difficult (and for some, easier) than the recovery from any other addiction that is based on a human need. With drugs, simply eliminating the behavior can be considered good enough (to society) for recovery. With addictions involving human needs such as food and physical contact and love, recovery cannot simply involve stopping the behavior. It must include the ability to meet those needs through acceptable societal values. That, in and of itself, makes the recovery process more difficult. But, it also provides the foundation for understanding the values you will need to make a complete recovery and to manage your life successfully. Any recovery attempt that will be judged by how long you can stop performing certain compulsive behaviors will fail. Any recovery attempt that includes a reassessment of the individual's values, a conscious replacement of destructive behavior with that of constructive behavior, that focuses not on recovery, but on rebuilding a life that is both satisfying to the individual and productive to society is a recovery plan that, with the commitment of the one in recovery, will succeed. Every time.

Why you should consider recovery
Whether the characteristics described in the above paragraphs apply to you or not, the question of whether or not you should seek treatment can be boiled down to a single question: Are you currently displaying sexual and/or romantic behaviors that you would like to stop? If the answer is "Yes", then make the elimination of these patterns a priority.

What it will take to recover
Recovery does not have to be a lifelong process. For relatively minor sexual behavior(s), a "recovery program" can last a matter of days, not years. With a self-managing approach developed so that the behavior doesn't reappear or simply shift its focus, such a short recovery plan can have the same permanent effect as a long-term, extensive one. Recovery does not need to go through an exhaustive timeline or specific 12-step program to be successful. Choosing a recovery program is much like choosing a religion: sometimes it is forced upon you, sometimes you can experience different styles, sometimes you come to one and it just feels right. Recovery programs, like religions, have certain rules, rituals, and beliefs that make them different than any other--they are not all the same. Your goal is to find a recovery program that "fits" with your beliefs so that you will make a commitment to recovering.

What to expect
The question is not so much what to expect, as it should be what to prepare yourself for. Without question, there are certain issues that come with the decision to recover from sex/love addiction that must be addressed, or you will damage your long-term goals for living a healthy, satisfying life. These issues are:

Initial Euphoria
The decision to recover from addiction is often accompanied by an extremely powerful high. Your life suddenly seems, for the first time in a long while, balanced. But, "seems" is the key word. Your life is not yet balanced, and when this high wears off, and you have done nothing significant to replace it, you will be left with not only the previous imbalances, but further damage caused by the shame of a failed recovery attempt. The resolution? A new, firmer commitment to recovery, which brings a renewed high, and a renewed sense of balance. The pattern should be obvious to all who have suffered from this recovery-relapse phenomenon. To prepare for this, welcome the initial euphoria and use its strength to build the foundation for a permanent recovery.

Revealing secrets
It is common for the sincere person in recovery to try to let go of their guilt and shame by telling anyone and everyone they are an "addict" and are now "in recovery"; and then to begin reciting a laundry-list of secrets that they have kept hidden. Ironically, others in recovery perform the same behavior, but for different reasons: self-punishment, as an excuse to avoid responsibility, as a bargaining tool in maintaining a relationship or job, etc. There is a reason the founders of AA included the word "anonymous" in its title. Resist at all cost the temptation to announce to anyone but your closest friends and family your intentions to recover. If you are sincere about recovery, then you are recovering for yourself, not others. There will be a time in each recovery program when you will have the ability to reveal what you have done and to make amends for it, should you desire to do so. Wait until that time has come before doing so. In a good recovery program, you will have regained a sense of balance in your life, and can better deal with the consequences of your revelations. Also, you will be in a better position to make the decisions as to what you should reveal and to whom. This phenomena is revealed in a conversation with one of our counselors talking about her own recovery when she told her fiancée about numerous affairs that she had had but that she was seeking treatment to end this type of behavior. The relationship ended immediately and what could have been an opportunity to gain a life-long friend was lost. Nearly fifteen years later, her only ongoing regrets in recovery were the decisions to reveal to so many people the secrets she had and her inability to get those secrets back.

Suicidal feelings
It is common that, as you begin assessing the consequences of your behavior, overwhelming feelings of remorse, guilt, shame, hopelessness and more will lead to thoughts of taking your own life. Possibly, even the thoughts that you will never recover, or that you have caused so much pain to others that taking your own life is a way of somehow "repaying your debt to society". Expect these feelings. Should these thoughts ever get to the point where you believe that you may act on them, call 911 immediately or go to the nearest emergency room. Part of recovery deals with understanding these feelings and they should not be feared. Should you truly have no remorse, guilt, embarrassment or shame over your behaviors, then you stand a poor chance of ever living a healthy, satisfying life.

Incompatible Therapist
Not all therapists are the same when it comes to understanding the sex and love addictions. In his book, He Danced Alone, Jonathan Marsh describes the reaction his therapist provided to him after an initial analysis of what was a sincere and honest account of his behavior over the past twenty years. To summarize, this therapist responded by calling him nothing more than a pervert. His second attempt failed after the initial session because of the therapist's demand that he sign a "no sex, no alcohol, no drug" contract before treating him. It was obvious that, because he had not taken a drink of alcohol in over twelve years, and had never so much as experimented with a drug, this therapist was simply putting him through her program, rather than structuring the program to meet his needs. Sadly, these types of sessions have been retold to us thousands of times over the past ten years and all we can say is, prepare yourself for such a response. If it comes, remember why you are there. That you are making the commitment to recover, and that nothing will stop you from doing so: not poorly trained therapists, not financial problems, not anything. What should you do if this happens to you? If you have the option, get up and walk out of their office and find yourself another therapist. Nobody who specializes in sexual addiction therapy will have such an attitude, and nobody in recovery can succeed in such an environment.

Conclusion
The decision to end a pattern of sexually-compulsive and/or romantically-compulsive behavior is a personal one. No one can force you to stop. The honesty that is needed to explore your own values, the energy required to force change, the commitment necessary to make recovery the top priority in your life and the intelligence you will need to replace that recovery effort with a healthy, satisfying lifestyle must all come from you. Sometimes, medication may be recommended to assist you. Don't automatically dismiss this option. Biologically, your brain has developed patterns for particular levels of chemical release/reception that you simply may not be able to control on your own. In such a situation, medication can be a valuable tool in allowing you to regain control over your thoughts, and to ease the depression that many people experience during recovery. Most often, however, this need for medication should not be permanent, but phased out as the recovery progresses. And, it should not be an automatic treatment option, but one offered only after a complete assessment by an experienced psychiatrist.

From the tens of thousands of people who have successfully recovered from sexually and/or romantically compulsive behavior, I assure you that recovery is not only possible, it is inevitable--if your commitment is sincere. Don't let anything or anyone stop you. Ever.


Sincerely,

Jonathan Marsh
Recovery Nation


_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 08, 2015 7:24 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
something I saw on a plaque the other day
Quote:
it is never too late to live happily ever-after


how true :sat:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 06, 2015 6:54 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
I decided around Easter time that I would not post on my own thread again
I have no need as my journey is beyond the point of no return
:g:
however
my ex told me today that she trusts only three men in this world
her son. her dentist and her hair dresser
who brought this about? me
so to paraphrase "we know not what we have done"
Bullshit
if we do not know what we did then how can we recover?
my advice to those that read this is decide what it is that you really want and if that is recovery bite the bullet and believe in yourself and this community
recovery is there to be had for all

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 09, 2015 5:48 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:47 pm
Posts: 694
Coach,

Apologies for intruding on your thread. I wanted to thank you for keeping this thread active, I believe it is one of the greatest assets RN has, almost as valuable as the support and wisdom you offer to others. I should know, I've been one of your beneficiaries and for that I am eternally grateful. I know there might come a time in every coach's life when he/she might decide to part ways with RN as the natural consequence of having transitioned to health. In that I could not help but notice your contributions on the boards have significantly decreased ... it saddened me, it felt like I've lost something valuable, there was something soothing, reassuring and inspiring about reading your posts every day and knowing you are part of RN and keeping an eye on things. I'm wise enough now to know change is imbedded in the very nature of things and you don't have to like it to accept it. I know that on this side of RN we don't really "do feelings" due to the nature of our past/present conditions but I need to express myself and what your kind support has meant to me. You've been a pillar in my recovery, a great influence in my life, even though we never met or spoken outside of this setting, and the gratitude I feel, which I'm hardly capable of expressing in words, I will take to my grave. This thread made me believe in RN and your support made me walk the path myself. You will always be a huge part of what RN means to me. I'm sure you've heard a lot of "thank you"s in your time, I just wanted to humbly add mine ... Thank you.

_________________
"A wholehearted attention feels like the nurturing presence that I always wished I had in a parent. Now I am free to be there for myself in a way that I assumed I needed from someone else." Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 18, 2015 6:41 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
I am going on vacation tomorrow
my ex wife and I home alone for ten days
we will have fun, we will bond and we will argue, but it really is about being together thro both the thick and the thin
we will talk
will I say the thing that I really wish to say more than anything?
No
why not ?
because she will not marry me because she does not trust me
can I blame her ?
No
I broke an extra special thing
why am I posting this?
because even though I have recovered from my sex addiction recovered from my failings
discovered values, discovered myself
I have still lost the trust of the love of my life

this reminds me that recovery is and can only be about me
and can only be for me
a stark fact that I need to live with
I know that we still have love but love alone is not enough
is it possible to regain trust?
I believe so and desperately hope so time and my own actions will determine


just thinking does this sound like I feel sorry for myself?
I hope not because the reality is to be home alone with my ex wife is a privilege that I appreciate I am lucky to have bestowed on me
Once more God bless RN for guiding me

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2015 6:50 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
responding to another members question regarding not having sex for 4 years prompts me to a self health check
I have not had penetrative sex for almost 6 years, does that concern me ?
not one jot
I just returned from vacation with my ex wife
we shared a bed
but we shared so much more than that
we talked
she accused
I did not defend or deflect
she said many things both right and wrong that would have raised defense and denial , would have provoked self hatred and guilt , but no longer
the only emotional triggering question / accusation was that she asked if (actually accused ) I had returned to acting out
I was angry, but realise my knowledge of my innocence of my recovery cannot be determined by a gauge that she has at her disposal
so how am I
proud of where I am
safe from returning to my old self
eternally grateful to RN
reminded that I am not nor was a victim

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 6:20 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
a quote from coach Mel
thanks CM :g:
I tell of hearts and souls and dances...
Butterflies and second chances;
Desperate ones and dreamers bound,
Seeking life from barren ground,
Who suffer on in earthly fate
The bitter pain of agony hate,
Might but they stop and here forgive
Would break the bonds to breathe and live
And find that God in goodness brings
A chance for change, the hope of wings
To rest in Him, and self to die
And so become a butterfly.”

Kenzo remember to continue to relate to this

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 29, 2015 6:56 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
I read a post in the last few days where CB stated that he has been here for six years, it caused me to reflect
my / our D day was six years ago next week
so Kenzo what has changed?

I have stopped visiting....................
I have stopped ...............
I have stopped ...............
I have stopped ...............
I could go on but wont
why because that is no longer me, stopping is and never could be enough
So what has changed , I have
I have discovered me I came to terms with what I did and was and I learned to live
I discovered the reality of true and honest love, of honesty , of life and relationships
I did this under the guidance of RN but I did it, that weak no hoper, brothel creeping lying cheat that I was, I know it took a while but anyone who reads this should know it can be done and there are many examples of living proof in this community

I have said many times that D day was the best , worst day of my life and aim to celebrate it with my ex as we vacation together next week
God bless, stay clean and believe

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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