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PostPosted: Tue Oct 17, 2017 7:18 pm 
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Joined: Mon Oct 09, 2017 8:35 pm
Posts: 4
Lesson One
I'm very new to posting so please bear with me as I'm not familiar with all the abbreviations... Just got "approved" to post today after lurking on these boards for over a month as a matter of fact. So, I guess Lesson One is my story so to speak (I've been told I'm "wordy" when writing reports at work..so be warned)
I'm about 4 1/2 years into my second marriage (but have been with him for almost 12 years). We met on Match.com. I was divorced almost 2 years by then (my first husband was an alcoholic and had several affairs. I finally called it quits after Dday #3), coming out of my "rebound" relationship at the time. He was officially divorced about 2-3 months when we met. At first we were just "friends" because at the time he wanted children and that ship had definitely sailed for me. During that time I pet sat for him, told me to make myself at home. I was looking up recipes online using the search bar and found history for swingers websites. A tiny bit of further research brought me to his profile. Because we were "just friends" at the time I allowed myself to be more "open minded" in my opinion. OK, if you're into that stuff whatever, but know that's something I would NEVER be into. We had several conversations about it. He claimed that coming out of his second divorce (yep, I'm the third) that was a way for him to experience stuff he'd never have the chance to do. I bought it. Partly because we did have a great friendship, I was still able to detach at the time, and the seeds of potentially being more than friends were already sprouting. We actually tried dating other people, kept in touch, etc...and he eventually won me over romantically after taking more of an interest in my children (high school aged at the time) than any other guy I had met. I made it clear that swinging would never be an option for me and he claimed that was all in the past.
We lived together for several years, my kids graduated high school, college, he was getting ready to retire from the police force and we decided to finally get married because it felt like the right time. In those years the swinging really didn't come up again. However, themes with porn and our sexual interactions skirted on it. Again, I'm thinking I'm being "open minded", keeping things "hot" so I went along. Truthfully I LOVED our life/relationship. We had our own interests but also did lots of stuff together. Always affectionate, joking, laughing, have a hundred little inside jokes, routines that we enjoyed together. We talked for YEARS about moving south when he retired. Finally did it about 2 years ago.
I still carry triggers from my first marriage, particularly around cell phone activity. A few months after moving I started noticing patterns with his cellphone/computer use. The usual red flags: immediately minimizing what's on the screen, "setting "his phone up before letting me use it to take a picture or text (we both have iPhones, I know how to freaking work them), woke up a few times to find him on the couch scrolling his phone in the dark but obviously hiding what he's doing. Any time I said anything it turned into a fight or he used the "don't blame me for your Xs bad behavior" angle that I actually APOLOGIZED for (and now that makes me FURIOUS)
Fast forward to Hurricane Irma a month ago. Our first hurricane here. We were going to stick it out but got scared and decided to evacuate. So while running around putting up hurricane shutters, packing, I use his phone to book a room. Again, there's that stupid search history....log in page to a swingers website. After literally threatening him that I would get in my car and drive off into a damn hurricane unless he gave me his log in info he did. Active member for over a year and a half. Soliciting sex with couples and claiming to be bisexual. Complete with nude profile pix taken at our home before we moved. So really who knows how long before that. He confessed to mostly just "talking" with people but two actual encounters, both with couples. That the bisexual label was to generate more replies. That he used playing hockey in a night league to cover meeting one of the couples. He actually freaking WROTE A POSITIVE REVIEW for them on the site like its freaking YELP. That it was more related to "boredom" because he has so much time on his hands from being retired (while my ass is still going to work every day). Sorry, can you tell I'm pretty much in the anger stage still?? That hurricane probably saved me from being a lunatic, couldn't act crazy because my house might blow away. So I had a two week shock period from both disasters. Now that's it more settling in I'm truly struggling and suffering. Got tested for STDs (only me because he "knew" it would be neg), was in the ER with kidney stones/female issues but I know symptoms were worse because of my emotional state, make it through work but cry on my way home nearly every day, prefer sleeping over any other activity I ever enjoyed. Actually started Prozac yesterday because I feel so hopeless. We started marriage counseling with an SA therapist because I insisted. MC recognizes partner PTSD so that's encouraging. I tried an SANon group and it was a bust (only two of us there, AWKWARD). Went to MC suggested church based recovery group last week which WS thought was positive but jury is still out for me. He's completely in Oh Shit mode, full of promises, reading, actually has done more on this site than I've been willing/able to do, promising to do anything to save the relationship and swearing "all that's over"....yeah, right. I believed that once. I feel so COMPLETELY stupid, gullible, and foolish for believing him the first time. Besides being crushed I'm so PISSED that he took the life I loved away and set me back personally to the dark, ugly place I was during my first divorce. EVERYTHING in me is screaming "RUN!", he'll always be this way, if you have to go through something like this again it will KILL YOU. But the other million practical (job, own a house, live 1200 miles away from all family, debt) and emotional (pride, and as much as I hate myself for saying it...I still love him)reasons have me stuck. Besides the MC I've told one person, my childhood best friend who is "my person" and I trust with my life. But otherwise I couldn't admit to family or friends a thing. Although this is stupid long at least its out.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 08, 2017 7:26 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 190
Welcome to Recovery Nation, not that anyone wants to end up here in the first place. I don’t want to see you left stranded without any kind of reply. But wow! What can I say? Your situation must be a very lonely and unhappy place to find yourself in. My husband is a recovering porn addict with a weakness for strippers, and I suppose in comparison it’s at the less extreme end of the sex addiction spectrum. I lived in 100% sexless marriage for the best part of a decade whilst he sought his pleasures elsewhere. In truth, I don’t think i’ll ever know what really went on.

You’re situation sounds so awful with the hurricane and this swinging stuff all coming at once. I’m glad you’ve found some support. In the early months after d day I was all over the place emotionally. It’s really, really tough. The first six months were hell but it really took the best part of a year to regain any real stability, but quite honestly, this stuff turns your life upside down.

The lessons on this site are so valuable. It’s well worth persevering. In fact, they make more sense as time goes on so take your time and go at your own pace. Like the earlier lessons say, the clues are often there at the beginning.

I do believe that relationships can survive, but in all cases it demands a commitment to rebuilding and recreating the relationship on new terms. Trust is NEVER the same again. I trust my husband but in a more nuanced way. I don’t believe anything he says 100%. Anything. I might say to myself, “Yes that’s PROBABLY true but I also accept there is a possibility, even if it’s small chance, that what I’m being told isn’t quite the truth”. And seriously, that’s the best I can do.

As you say you have an iPhone, I suggest you go on the Podcast app and search for Esther Perel’s series called Where Should We Begin. There’s an episode called The Addict. This is a mature couple in their 50s but the husband has effectively been living a double life with his 30+ year full-blow. sex addiction. There are some other good podcasts in the series that tackle sexless marriages and infidelity. Even since d day I’ve found it difficult to go from celibacy (within a marriage, how weird is that?) to being sexually active but in an on/off way with practically no touching at all other times. I’ve done my best to re-establish a healthy sexual relationship with my husband but he’s so inhibited about sex, can scarcely talk about it, it’s impossible at times.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2017 11:35 am 
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Joined: Mon Oct 09, 2017 8:35 pm
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Thank you for the podcast recommendations Blue in Paradise. I appreciate your response.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2017 11:35 am 
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Joined: Mon Oct 09, 2017 8:35 pm
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Thank you for the podcast recommendations Blue in Paradise. I appreciate your response.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2017 12:21 pm 
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Joined: Mon Oct 09, 2017 8:35 pm
Posts: 4
Arrrrrrrrgh I'm so frustrated! I just spent a ton of time on Lesson Two, thought I posted it, and can't find it anywhere!!!!! I have been away from the site for several weeks because I was mired in an "angry" stage and felt like I was being forced to do "homework" that I didn't want to do when he was the one that screwed up. But now I'm in a better place and am ready to do Lesson Two (AGAIN!!!! UGGGGH) My Vision (probably condensed from my first effort)
I see myself getting back to being the woman I fought so hard to be after this happened to me during my first marriage. The strong, self-confident, independent, and most importantly "didn't care what other people thought" woman I became. "What other people think of me is none of my business" was a mantra that I worked hard to apply. It's very freeing not to care what other people think and I want that feeling back.
I see myself following through on all the good intentioned ideas I have but never quite put into action. The girls trips, care packages I meant to send, getting together with neighbors or work friends, all the things that sound like great ideas but don't become reality.
To get back to being active again. Using my Fitbit, getting back to my walking routine, going kayaking. I live in a vacation destination and want to get back to enjoying it.
To be clear with my adult children with what I need when sharing time with them instead of putting myself in third place behind my X and the in-laws to keep the peace but then being resentful about it. We can come up with new traditions and plans where everyone is accommodated.
To also be clear with my husband about things that are bothering me instead of keeping my mouth shut to keep the peace. Before Dday there were several things in our marriage that bothered me that I rationalized away as not worth bringing up to avoid conflict. I robbed myself and my marriage of the truth and both deserve the truth.
Volunteering. After the hurricane I volunteered and I received just as much as the people I served.
Becoming passionate about my interests again. I see myself getting back to the things I enjoyed (reading, painting, crafting) without distraction.
I want to see myself still married. I try. It's hard and still varies day by day. But I also want to see myself OK either way.
That's all I can do right now.
If you got this far thank you for reading this :)


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