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PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2015 7:21 pm 
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A reflection
I subscribe to the policy of referring back to recovery posts
so I re wind 4 years to Christmas 2011 and exercise 62

Quote:
Develop three-five 'most-likely' scenarios where you might face relapse. Role play (in your head or with someone you trust) how you will manage these situations.

The most likely scenarios where I might face the prospect of relapse are:

My wife has divorced me and I am alone in life feeling sorry for myself and knowing that I am answerable and accountable only to myself

I have lost my job and thus lose focus on my life letting boredom creep in and thus I seek out instant gratification

I have contracted some serious life threatening or even terminal illness driving me towards an all or nothing live for the now situation feeding my selfishness


these were my scenarios
since that time we did divorce albeit at my behest and most amicably, this to give her the security that she deserves and in some small way to try to start to make amends, I would re marry her tomorrow but that is not an option for her, she does not trust me , but I pontificate

since that time I lost my father, it affected me deeply and certainly more than I showed (not healthy to suppress emotions )

and now I am finishing work and going into enforced "voluntary redundancy"
My work has been a big part of my life and I have loved doing what I do hence there will be a big gap to fill

So I post this message to you Kenzo
No matter your confidence and comfort in your recovery from sex addiction
DO NOT BECOME COMPLACENT
Formulate and implement action plans now to ensure a healthy and still fulfilling future

I know that you will

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2015 6:46 pm 
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a brilliant quote from Ursula

Quote:
Compassion and love from others is all that they will ever be able to give, it is a great gift but it can do so much ... we desperately need to give these to ourselves. How? By having an honest, heart wrenching at times dialogue with ourselves, by looking into those ugly corners, accepting the reality and committing to doing better for ourselves. That is self-love, to be able to commit to yourself for your own long-term benefit. To care enough not to let things just happen. To take up the reins of oneself. Become your own hero.

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 18, 2015 7:58 pm 
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Location: UK
Just wanted to remind myself that today my ex told me that she loves me

will she marry me :pe: I doubt it
however I will keep on asking
if her love can overcome her understandable mistrust then Kenzo the addict will not be invited but Kenzo the recovered might well stand by my side
I will NOT ASSUME
I know HER PAIN

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 23, 2015 7:16 pm 
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Posts: 3944
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CiM
posted
Quote:
Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens.

however far you travel in life related to years , experience , understanding , fulfillment , discovery , recovery
CiM nails it
thanks for that :g:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2015 8:00 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Location: UK
was having a nice relaxing evening with my ex wife tonight watching tv
an advert for a forthcoming series of real life documentaries came on regarding women who escaped from evil
she said
Quote:
yes I am one of them and you know it


deal with that Kenzo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I agree that the pain I caused her was evil
I could add that
but it was not meant, I did not mean to hurt , it was not about her it was about me
however these seem to be well worn excuses
so what I did was evil
denying it when caught and then drip feeding was more so
but I am not evil

I take her comment on the chin
I have no choice I have grown up

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 06, 2015 7:40 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
An inspiring quote spotted today and committed here as I do refer back to reflect
as we all should
it is true we need to own our past
but move on

]If we do not change our way of thinking
how can we expect to change our lives?

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 6:53 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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I often tell new members that they will and indeed should look back in their thread , it is relevant and very useful in ensuring that our journeys are on track and are progressing

in April 2013, goodness that is almost three years ago I reviewed my reasons for wanting to change
today I have repeated that exercise
Quote:
In March 2012 I re visited my reasons for change
they were

Quote:
I will be happy
I will be free of guilt
I will never have to lie again, nor will I choose to
I will feel self respect
I will be respected
I will see all people as people not objects
I will live life and have fun openly
I will not have secrets
I will not risk my health nor my freedom
I will have sex only with love
I will give more than I receive
I know that I am not hurting myself or others
I will talk openly about and be comfortable with my sexuality
I will think in the way that healthy people think
I will never to have to make excuses for myself
I am clean not dirty and disgusting
I will not offend
I am setting a good example
I want to be free of the shame that I carry
I am in recovery not in abstinence


I now add:
I will have fun
I will trust myself
I will like myself
I will face and live my life

My journey continues and I am so much happier in recovery than I even perceived myself as being when acting out


Today in 2016 I feel no need to make changes nor amendments, I am more than happy with where I am today and still cannot truly believe who I was and what I did
I have said it before but it is worthy of repeating
RN gave me the tools not only to change my life, but to save it to


This reflection was worthwhile , I must reflect on other early lessons again in the near future

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 08, 2016 7:18 pm 
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Location: UK
Its great to have the forum back up and running
however the down time gave me a chance once again to reflect on myself and the Kenzo recovery path

I whittled down a great deal of thought and self examination (most of which was positive and that in itself is of course liberating)
into three simple W questions
these being is ascending order of importance (at least to me) are WHAT WHY and WILL


What - What I did in acting out is well documented in my thread and I do not need to reflect on the detail most of which I now cannot actually believe that I was capable of never mind fully engaged with

but what I did is fact, fact that I cannot change and fact that I have learned many lessons from

My What, brought me shame, guilt and having faced it disgust, but having faced it I now own it
does owning it make it any the less hideous ?
No
but owning it means that I can and do deal with it
It happened
like most addicts at the time of acting out I denied it , but it was real, it was damaging and it was painful, even though I did not see it that way

My actions brought about destruction and not only to me
Was I a victim? would be calling myself a victim be an excuse?

I was a victim of my own making others had no choice

before leaving the what I consider the what not, which with regard to the affect on others is probably more important
What did I not do?
be honest, that was my biggest failure I did not admit I lied, I minimised
I drip fed

all of the experts tell us that our addiction is not about our partners
that is true but the fall out very much affects them, by default they become our victims and they did not choose nor deserve to be

If I can pass on only one bit of advice and I was starting over my recovery again (God forbid)
I would tell Kenzo
BE HONEST, right from the start BE HONEST
be honest first and foremost with oneself
face the deep set issues, open the horizons and choose the path for the future
then be honest with others
so
What is important, what NOT is equally if not more important
but not so much as WHY

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Thank you for sharing
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 8:14 pm 
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Posts: 18
Thank you for sharing


Last edited by mimi4 on Fri Mar 11, 2016 11:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2016 6:21 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Location: UK
Mimi
I see that you are registered on the partner side and have been for over a year now so I expect that you are aware of and fully versed in the rules of the site

Partners are not allowed to post onto the recovery forum except when specified as both sides welcome and then only in the community forum, the idea being that sharing of experiences related to specific questions asked can be helpful

you ask
Quote:
kenzo, were you married? if so, how long did you deceive her? did you love her? do you understand WHY you did all this? were you able to save your marriage?? if not, why did she leave? if so, how does she ever forget? how does the anger & grief ever stop? how does she ever trust you again?


I wonder why and to whom the answers would be helpful?
My answers would not help you as all partnerships are unique, hence perhaps you should seek your own answers from within yourself and your own experiences
good luck with your healing

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2016 5:45 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
So onto WHY

The three simple W questions
these being is ascending order of importance (at least to me) are WHAT WHY and WILL



What is important, what NOT is equally if not more important
but not so much as WHY

What, is a matter of fact
WHY is so much more difficult to analyse
Why requires the ability, indeed the will to remember and reflect back on a whole series of interconnected events and reactions that happened a life time ago , indeed in a different life time when considering how I have changed and “grown up”
To answer why, I need to unravel the denial

I was not addicted, I did not have a problem, my actions were not real, I was not hurting anyone
and yes when acting out I believed this, I denied life and its reality

So WHY?
Simple answer, but also an excuse is that I was an addict, I believed that I had no choice but to succumb to each and every urge,

Simple answer from my ex wife is that I did it because I liked it, but if that was so where did the guilt and shame come into play and why did I hate myself?

I know that there is elements of truth in both simple answers but is that sufficient, I think not

Crazy at it sounds I believe that sex was not the foremost element in my SEX addiction. That I believe was attention, attention that I craved because of my own inadequacies and lack of self esteem, perhaps my fear of sex and or commitment
I perceived that I got attention through my actions requiring little input, no effort selfishness, no intimacy, no commitment and almost guaranteed “reward”
but as with most if not all addictive behaviours that “reward” depreciated with time and frequency thus ingraining my compulsive, harmful actions into my inner core personality

Have I answered the Why fully? No
I could elaborate / investigate the aspects of my infatuation with the female form, my erection, my fear of women and …........................................

but the bottom line for WHY? Is that I was weak


So WHY the “what NOT”
Why did I lie and deceive?

Again the simple answer is that lying and deceiving had become engrained in me
If I could lie to myself , which I did, then I could lie per-say
After D day I lied to save my marriage, save it from and more importantly for, what? An addict

I then lied to minimise my actions, I was not that bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
to protect my addiction, just in case?????????????
again that merges into the WHAT
so WHY?

Because I was stupid

D day gave me an opportunity

I EVENTUALLY grasped that opportunity and am lifelong grateful for doing so but my deceit and selfish dishonesty cost me everything and gave me nothing

Yes
I lied because I was selfishly stupid

Looking forwards to WILL

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2016 10:08 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
So onto WILL

The three simple W questions
these being is ascending order of importance (at least to me) are WHAT WHY and WILL



What is important, what NOT is equally if not more important
WHY is important because without WHY how can we know what to change never mind implement
those changes
but WILL
Will is what recovery and change are all about
WILL is about me as a recovered addict

Some say that Recovery is an everlasting and for ever ongoing journey
“Once an addict always an addict!!!!!”
for some that may be true

I simply do not hold that belief and stand as many others before me, as living proof that recovery is real because change is real and change can be permanent hence recovery is also permanent


A quote
Quote:
Recovery does not end or claim to be successful until the addict has a future healthy purpose and has built an an independent healthy lifestyle and the confidence to achieve and live it.


So WILL?

Will I ever act out again? - NO
Will I ever have an urge to act out again? - NO. My values and boundaries are sound and secure, being now an inherent part of me, any kernel of any urge will be dealt with before it can manifest itself
Will I ever face those issues that brought about urges previously - YES of course, but now I will face them and deal with them rather than deny and avoid
Will I ever hurt, harm, destroy a loved one (myself included, yes I have achieved the ability to love myself) again? - NO
Will I be frightened to face my life, my failings, myself ? - NO

That journey of recovery is now a place, MY PLACE,
Life. Bring it on I am ready for you , Thank God, Coach Jon, recovery nation and myself

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2016 4:13 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
Kenzo dropping in on Kenzo

I am now into my 7th year here and am doing great
:sat: :sat: :sat: :sat: :sat: :sat: :sat: :sat: :sat: :sat: :sat: :sat: :sat: :sat: :sat: :sat: :sat: :sat: :sat: :sat: :sat: :sat:
I am just back from vacation with my ex wife, and she told me that she is now starting to like me again
:ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex: :ex:
but not trust me and warned that I had better not f*** it up :e:

but enough of that

in the coming days I will reflect on my (NOT necessarily those endorsed by Recovery Nation ) thoughts on
is sexual addiction a crime?
a crime is defined as an offence punishable in law, so in that true sense the answer in no
but I believe it to be an offence, this in itself could be a controversial comment as experts cannot agree on what it is

so for now I consider THE COACH's words

Quote:
What is Sexual Addiction?
Sexual Addiction is one of the most frequently misunderstood terms in behavioral health. To understand what sexual addiction is, let us first examine what it is not. Sexual Addiction is not a disease--by AMA standards. It is not an excuse for having marital affairs, nor is it a defense in criminal proceedings involving sexual behavior. It is neither rare, nor incurable. Sexual addiction is not found in the majority of rapists and stalkers. The vast majority of sexual addicts are no more likely to engage in child molestation or rape than a randomly-selected stranger. In fact, many times, the sexual addict is actually less likely to engage in such behaviors due to their skewed value system. So then, what is sexual addiction?

Sexual addiction is nothing more than a continuing pattern of unwanted compulsive sexual behavior that has had a negative impact on an individual's personal, social and/or economic standing. Let's break the most important parts of that sentence down:

"A Continuing Pattern" An occasional session of masturbation, a single affair, even a past series of date rapes do not constitute a continuing pattern. Sexual addiction is defined by an ongoing series of sexual behaviors, including the preoccupation with and the planning of those behaviors. Usually, these patterns become more and more ritualized, and this ritualization often serves as a measuring stick for the extent of their addiction.

"Unwanted" If someone is engaged in sexual behavior of their choosing, even when this behavior brings about significant negative consequences, this does not, in and of itself, warrant a definition of addiction. To be addicted, the person in question must have, at some point, felt the desire to stop (even if that desire no longer exists).

"Compulsive Sexual Behavior" The key to this phrase is the term "sexual behavior"--which should be interpreted loosely. Sexual behavior involves ANY type of sexual behavior--including sexual preoccupation, rumination and fantasy. Someone who can't stop thinking about sex can incur consequences that are just as significant as someone actually engaged in the behaviors themselves. The overwhelming majority of compulsive sexual behavior comes from "victimless" behavior--masturbation, prostitution, pornography, promiscuity. This, however, should never be misconstrued to think that the addiction isn't as severe, or as potentially devastating as those involving the more rare behaviors such as rape, stalking and molestation.

"Negative Impact" Add to this self-explanatory phrase, "or the potential for a negative impact--should the behavior(s) be discovered."

"Personal, Social or Economic Standing" What constitutes "negative impact"? Just about anything can have a negative impact on a person's life. Most often, sexual addiction negatively impacts people in the following ways:
Personal: Negative feelings frequently are exhibited through guilt and shame, low self-esteem, depression, thoughts of suicide and/or self-mutilation. Frequently, the dependence on other targets such as drugs and alcohol or gambling stem from the same addictive processes that trigger the sexual behavior. One's self-identity becomes distorted, either through delusions of sexual grandeur or through self-loathing. Both can be devastating to maintaining balance and satisfaction in one's life.

Social: Existing interpersonal relationships become strained or destroyed. The need for secrecy inhibits the development of intimacy, especially with long-term romantic partners, friends and family. Over time, few new long-term relationships are built as the longer the addiction progresses, the more social interactions become either an active part of the addiction, or a means of distraction.

Economic: Often, the discovery of one's involvement in socially deviant and/or criminal behavior can have a devastating effect on one's career. Overtly, behaviors such as sexual harassment, an arrest for statutory rape, a child molestation conviction can mean not only the immediate loss of employment, but the exclusion of certain types of careers. Subtly, even constant ruminations and fantasies can keep people from reaching their full professional potential. The noted exception to this is the dual sexual addict/workaholic--who tends to excel in just about all areas professionally.
More important than the definition of sexual addiction, is the personal definition of a "sexual addict". How do you know if someone is a sexual addict? What does it mean to be a sexual addict? Is there anything that can be done, once the diagnosis of "sexual addict" is made? When trying to define whether or not someone is a sexual addict, keep this in mind: it doesn't matter. If someone is displaying sexual behavior that is for some reason or another having a negative impact on your life (or theirs), then something needs to be done. No matter if that behavior meets the definition of "addiction"; no matter if the person meets the criteria for "an addict". Nobody ever recovers from a label, they recover from their reliance on an unhealthy pattern of thoughts and behaviors.All it means to be a sexual addict is that an individual is currently displaying a pattern of compulsive sexual behavior that is having a negative impact on their life. They still have the same types of sincere feelings, good thoughts and emotional quirks that are a part of us all. In a nutshell, they have learned to use sexual behavior to manage their emotions (temporarily). Just as others sometimes balance their emotions with food, or cigarettes, or spending, or alcohol, sexual addicts use sexual thoughts and behavior to manage theirs.

Unfortunately, like other addictions, this type of stress management is quite effective for immediate relief, but the negative impact that is felt later tends to only increase the stress that they feel. Thus, the need for even more "stress management". It's a vicious cycle that at some point gets completely out of hand and the person eventually loses touch with society's values and begins to depend on sexual behavior to regulate feelings. This is one reason why it is so important to get this person into a recovery program that includes an emphasis on personal and social values. Without it, recovery will just be a matter of replacing one unhealthy behavior pattern with another. That is a dangerous and destructive proposition.


_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat May 28, 2016 7:25 am 
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My question to MYSELF was is Sex Addiction a crime?
The question was prompted by a UK TV drama where an undercover cop infiltrated a political group, got close to the leaders GF and then fell in love and married her, some 20 odd years later his hidden life came out, she was devastated by the betrayal and told him that he was a rapist as she would never have consented had she known who she was dealing with, different circumstances to my life but similar sentiments brought about by a lifetime of hidden deceit

I thought about putting the question to the open forum, but decided against because it a question to me directly about me, it is not a judgement on me or on any other addict, we are all capable of judging ourselves and our own actions, perhaps that is one reason that we are here.

There are as we know and acknowledge many aspects to our addictions some involving only ourselves and some affecting others, so I keep the focus on my addiction and my history
I ask it because I no longer fear uncovering myself and my failings, I own my past and although I cannot control my future , nobody can, I can control how I deal with whatever is thrown up in front of me

so I guess I need to re word my question
Was Kenzo's Sex Addiction a crime?

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 17, 2016 6:29 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
A couple of weeks ago I posted
Quote:
in the coming days I will reflect on my (NOT necessarily those endorsed by Recovery Nation ) thoughts on
is sexual addiction a crime?
a crime is defined as an offence punishable in law, so in that true sense the answer in no
but I believe it to be an offence, this in itself could be a controversial comment as experts cannot agree on what it is


I then re worded my question to myself as
Quote:
Was Kenzo's sex addiction a crime?

I now re word again asking myself
Was the behaviour carried out by me during my addicted life a crime?


My addiction comprised four basic ( and yes how basic they were) legs, I analysed each in turn and listed my thoughts on each but then deleted them as I do not want this post to become a guilt trip, nor would I wish to become a mirror through which others might judge their own behaviours and actions
My conclusion
My behaviours were offensive and harmful, some were dangerous, they were all dishonest, some in my opinion should actually be unlawful and punishable through the judiciary, but that is not for here

so my actions IMO were a crime, a crime against my ex, myself and morality,
how to deal with crime?
IMO both punishment and rehabilitation
My punishment was my divorce, but greater than that my complete loss of trust from my ex
My rehabilitation is my recovery helped and supported by the RN programmes and our community

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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