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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2018 12:06 pm 
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Lesson 16
What’s this done for me?
It felt good, helped me escape from the reality of being a sexual reject, gave me an identity (harmful, but an identity, never the less), provided emotional comfort.
Ditto for hookers and gave me confidence in my virility.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2018 12:09 pm 
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Lesson 17
My rituals
1. Porn, pmo.
It’s more of a process lasting several days. It begins with fantasies that evolve into a masturbatory urge, these are to women I know and are fairly vanilla. Then come porn inspired fantasies, often featuring genres of porn I favor, this evolves into urges for porn and masturbation with porn fantasy elements, then come the urges to ‘’check what’s new’’ or ‘’see if it’s as good as I remember’’, then comes obsession, often with a memory of a single clip, then comes ‘’peeking behavior’’ like reading about sex related material (blogs and such) under the pretense that ‘’this isn’t real porn’’, looking at escort sites. this escalates into intense urges, irrational thought patterns and lack of pro-con consideration, eventually the emotional pain becomes too great and full blown relapse occurs.
Elements include:
Fantasy, loneliness relief through fantasy, orgasm, sensory (touch, smell), curiosity.
2. Hookers:
First comes the desire for loneliness relief, then virility fear, extended ‘’shopping around’’ for the right hooker via the internet, appreciation, choosing, narrowing down, final choice, nervousness before the phonecall, the phonecall, setting up logistics (travel, location), grooming (bath, shave), choosing my clothes and perfume (fantasy of sophistication, roleplay), travel, worries about how she’ll look in real life, conversation-rapport, sex act.
Elements include:
Fear, sensory pleasure, accomplishment, power in selection, fantasy, suspense, power from knowing I’ll have sex, confidence boost, orgasm, sensory pleasure (especially touch), relief of fear (impotence fear)


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2018 12:11 pm 
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Lesson 18:
Time, intensity, habituation:
Porn:
Time- max pleasure is achieved when I’ve immersed myself in watching the content and my penis is still not sore. Once soreness sets in and I get bored of the ritual in general (I start being self-aware of what I’m doing) the saturation point is passed.
Intensity- unless numbed by daily PMO, I can bring myself to orgasm either extremely quickly or over many hours, I’ve also mastered seeking out any content I could possibly imagine.
Habituation- It gets boring extremely fast. I have to switch up themes and fetishes frequently. Having the same thing more than 2 sessions in a row is a surefire way of getting bored.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2018 12:17 pm 
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Lesson 19
Healthy rituals: compulsive exercise
1) General feeling of weakness in muscles
2) Workout with breaks to look at something on the internet or listen to a podcast
3) Flexing in front of the mirror
4) Feeling accomplished
Compulsive hand washing: calms me down
Prostitutes constitute a certain mystique. Walking past a spot or apartment I know are used by a prost I always feel a certain thrill of secrecy. I need to get the idea of prostitutes as a certain and forbidden pleasure and contextualize their services as the addiction forming, life diminishing action they are. They’re like porn. They’re like drug abuse. I can’t justify going any longer.
Addictive urges have a tendency to grow until they consume your every thought. Until every action you can take seems unsatisfactory and the only thing you want to do is engage in the ritual. You can engage in a favorite hobby and still feel unsatisfied. After the urge passes, I tend to want to keep thinking about it, almost missing the urge and looking for any excuse to engage in the ritual. At this point, simply doing something else I usually enjoy is enough to snap me out of it. There is a sense of ‘’something I need to do’’ and it’s false. I don’t have to do anything. Doing nothing is more enjoyable then relapse. That is the essence of the concept of being ‘’present’’. Simply being, existing, perceiving, without need to engage in some elaborate water slide of emotional stimulation that I’ve constructed in my head. In that way, not stepping onto the water slide presents an uneasiness, a feeling of emptiness and worry, as if something bad is going to happen if I don’t slide down. Nothing bad is going to happen. My brain is simply building a habit of not responding to a call it had previously heeded.
The idea that every missed opportunity to indulge is a horrible pain is foolish. Yes I’ve said no to an opportunity to experience potential pleasure, but I’m missing out on the pleasure of being who I want to be and acting in accordance of my own values. I miss the satisfaction of living unashamed of my choices as well as missing out on the opportunity to enjoy the things in my life that aren’t in conflict with my values.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2018 12:30 pm 
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Lesson 20
Part 1
Map of sexually compulsive behavior, ages 6-22
Childhood to pubescence compulsive masturbation:
Ritual evolved to include tissue in underwear as stimulation was achieved in supine position by rubbing my penis on the bed. Tissue was for the purpose of catching ejaculate.
At this point my MO was was my secret trick and pleasure. I sought it out first as often as possible and then I established set limits for myself I tried to keep.
Pubescence to teenage:
Included porn and used traditional manual masturbation.
Started using PMO to manage stress and as a sort of hobby. I used it to explore my sexuality and contextualize myself as a potential actor in a sexual scenario.
Teenage to mid teens:
Escalated intensity of porn content.
I began to identify myself with the extreme content I watched. It gave me a sexual identity even if it was a negative one.
Mid teens to late teens:
Ritual began to include guilt as I discovered the harmful aspect of what I was doing and was trying to quit. Post relapse showers, talking myself up for my next attempt, vows to myself not to do it again etc.
This is when I was trying to stifle the progression of my addiction with limited success, I managed to de-identify myself with a lot of weird fetishes I picked up through porn on the tail end of this faze.
I began to value and then cultivate certain values, partially as a result of trying to quit.
Late teens to young adulthood.
Inclusion of prostitutes. I view this not as a separate addiction, but as a complementary for the first. When either recovery gets to be too much or addiction starts to get boring, I switch to hiring hookers to introduce novel stimulation.
Spend extended periods of time without PMO, enjoyed my life without it more so then with it. Still relapsed because the occasional fantasy was too tempting. The fantasy turned to curiosity of what’s new, which turned to urges, which turned to full blown relapses.

Part 2
Potential scenario: Death of my parents and sister.
Dangers include immense despair, which would tempt me to disregard everything I’ve learned and go on a downward spiral. My addiction would seem trivial in comparison to this event. The stress of being left without an immediate familial safety net would be immense and the desire for comfort, similarly strenuous. At this time, a turning point would present itself. I would either collapse into intense chain PMO and blow through my disposable income and savings to hire hookers or I would use the death as a motivation to stay strong and do right by those that have raised, cared and protected me throughout my life. I would see it as a sort of duty before the dead.
Potential scenario: long term loneliness. This event would be gradual as opposed to sudden. Temptation of hiring hookers as short term relief would set in. If I start to engage in this practice, inevitable peeking, while selecting hookers via the internet would feed into the desire for porn. Then the ritual chain I’ve described would commence. The solution would be to take preemptive action by engaging in social activity, flirtation and the like. Should failure to keep active social life occur, the solution is to fall back on what I’ve learned, specifically the role and importance of non-sex related values.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2018 12:36 pm 
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Lesson 21
I have failed to move out of my parent’s house.
I wanted to move out a year ago, but chose to freeze the endeavor, because it was too large a goal for the time, energy and priorities I had at the time. Over time it lost importance and I’ve put it to the back of my mind until I can get the rest of my life together.
I failed at doing PUA game, for similar reasons.
Although I have every intention of getting these 2 projects done as soon as possible, I haven’t yet.
I don’t know if these count as major failures, but it’s all I got for the moment.
I’ve succeeded in becoming a reasonably good guitarist, at gaining muscle mass, at having a better work ethic, getting into acting.
The common thread is that I was commited to these goals, they had a primary focus in my mind for an initial period of at least 3 months to a year (after which I continued to develop them, but without the need for strict monitoring). I had a plan and a worksheet to quantify my work, I was driven on a personal and emotional level.
I want to spend 90 days free of prostitutes and PMO starting today 10.7.2018
I want to complete every lesson in the workshop Nov 20

Note: these are the exercises I've done before being approved for the forum. I've made sure to review them before posting them, i.e. if the way I first completed the articles was the original draft of the book, what I'm posting now is the final, post-editorial version. I will start on and post lesson 22 tomorrow.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2018 3:11 am 
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Lesson 22
PMO:
Primary elements:
Visual stimulation, stimulation-touch (masturbation), fantasy (parallel to the porn viewed, or inspired by it), orgasm (pre-engagement fantasy), curiosity, loneliness relief
Visual stim: 3
Time: 4 (often reaches threshold, where I get bored of the images, or disgusted by their voyeuristic nature, have to switch genre to forget, usually reach something not as stimulating as the first build up before orgasm)=12
Intensity: 9 at the highest point: adept at finding the right combination of content to produce pleasurable fantasy=27
Habituation: strongly saturated, struggle to find new things, usually resort to rediscovering old content: 4=12
Final score: 8.5
Stim touch: 3
Time: 5 no real time limit, unless chain PMOing, soreness isn’t a problem=15
Intensity: 5 stable, automatic=15
Habituation: very ingrained, very few variations added: 2=6
Final score: 6
Fantasy: 1
Time: no time limit, enhances: 4=4
Intensity: add on that’s basically normal style non-porn enhanced masturbatory fantasy, multitasked with PMOing , 6=6
Habituation: my mind isn’t limited by available content: 7=7
Final score: 2.8
Orgasm: 2
Time: no control: 1=2
Intensity: 5=10
Habituation: I’ve had so many it’s really boring now: 2=10
Final score: 3.6
Curiosity-1
Time: saturation point way off by the time I engage in PMO proper: 6=6
Intensity: obsessive:8=8
Habituation: I never know what I’m going to be curious about next:7=7
Final score: 3.5
Loneliness relief- 2
Time: spontaneous: 1=2
Intensity: 4=6
Habituation: not really applicable:1=2
Final score: 1.6
Total=26


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2018 8:33 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3853
Location: UK
FN

Quote:
I want to spend 90 days free of prostitutes and PMO starting today 10.7.2018
I want to complete every lesson in the workshop Nov 20



This would be so much better as
I want to spend the rest of my life free of prostitutes and PMO
and
I want to complete every lesson in the workshop and ingrain what I have learned into my very core

I am sure that you do not mean it to seem as it does but it tends towards a short term quick fix
remember that you cannot be a little bit addicted, you are or you are not
that choice is yours and from your previous posts I feel that you will choose wisely and choose correctly
good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 19, 2018 4:00 pm 
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Thanks, I didn't mean that to sound the way it sounded. I fully intend on spending the rest of my life, free of these burdens, but I feel that having a milestone to look forward to would be nice. It's been years since I've spent that long clean. The time it followed my failing to preform when I first had sex. That gave me the emotional fuel to leave behind my addiction for a while, but it was an extra-ordinary event.
Beating my record without such emotional fuel would be a sort of factual evidence, that I can be permanently free, while not depending on outside factors like strong, emotion-shifting events. Right now, I believe I can be, but that belief is not unshakable. It needs proof. With that in mind, I will not be rewording this goal. I will just be adding: ''I want to spend the rest of my days free of PMO and the need to hire prostitutes'' to it.
To me the desire to complete every lesson and ingrain it into my core is synonymous with having integrity in my work. So is having a schedule and deadline. With that in mind, I will be adding ''Continue to do the lessons conscientiously'' to my goals.

Also, I've completed lesson 23

Lesson 23
Example of the practical uses for behavioral measurement
I’ve see a series of pictures and descriptions online about torture in Soviet gulags. This includes sexual torture. I begin picturing these sexual scenarios. I feel the urge to masturbate. I start to, but stop because I recognize this as a step towards relapse.
If I had continued down this ritualistic chain, it would have looked like:
Initial trigger: An interesting, novel scenario with erotic potential presents itself
Fantasy: The scenario is explored, fleshed out and painted in detail. I insert myself as an actor in it. I feel less lonely.
Masturbation: I introduce a sense of realism, by stimulating myself, as I would be stimulated in an erotic scenario. I feel sensory stimulation and a sense of accomplishment, because I’m actively doing something and not just thinking about it.
Orgasm: I feel more stimulation, a sense of finality. I’m done with a phase of the ritual and I can move on with my day.
Much smaller trigger required: Now that a part of the ritual is complete, Its reminded me of how stimulating fantasy and masturbation can be. Much smaller triggers can set me off. Even the act of feeling lonely would suffice.
Fantasy: Ditto
Masturbation: Ditto
Orgasm: Ditto
The above 4 steps can be repeated many times before the next one starts.
Satiety: Now that I’ve used fantasy and MO as a way to regulate my emotions, a memory of porn I’ve viewed surfaces. Normal fantasy and MO seems dull in comparison and it progressively starts to bore me and therefore it manages my emotions less effectively.
Porn inspired fantasy: Ditto, fantasy. In addiction, it’s more stimulating, allows for more novelty and is easier to visualize as I’m borrowing someone else’s complete scenarios instead of inventing my own or building up one from a trigger situation.
Masturbation with porn fantasy: More stimulation then before, the question of whether or not it would lead to full blown relapse triggers fear.
Porn urge: It includes elements of curiosity/suspense (How did the clip go, exactly? Would it be as hot as I remember? How did the actress look like, exactly? If thinking about it makes me this hot, how hot would it be to see?). It’s essentially obsessive fantasy.
PMO: Guilt and shame, plus self-awareness sometimes decreases pleasure. These feelings show up sporadically. It’s usually in the ballpark of the previous porn-inspired MO in terms of stimulation. This sometimes includes elements of appreciating art, if applicable (well-drawn pornographic illustrations, appreciation of the beauty or mannerisms of the actress, etc). Occasionally, I feel relieved that I’m still virile, as extended lack of orgasm sometimes make me fear I’m impotent.
I told myself: ‘'If you continue, you’re going down a path that will lead you to being enslaved by your urges. This will mean losing agency. This will mean losing self respect. Do you want that?’’
The subject matter was novel and therefore a function of the habit of always wanting to escalate the intensity of my fantasies, brought on by porn. It’s not what I have an affinity for. It’s just an ingrained compulsion to find the extreme and novel exciting, even if it’s not what I naturally crave. In other words, porn induced curiosity.
The realization of this also helps me contextualize the urge and therefore, rob it of its power.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 24, 2018 2:36 am 
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Lesson 24
Masturbation:
#1 I was frustrated with how my day was going
#2 I didn’t feel like doing anything
#3 An idle, if extreme sexual thought entered my mind
#4 I felt aroused
#5 At that point I knew I was in danger of enacting a step towards larger PMO style relapse
#6 I touched myself, just to ‘’remind myself what it felt like’’
#7 I stopped, knowing I’m not acting in the best interest of my recovery and I was somewhat conflicted by the content of my fantasy
#8 I stopped and started, torn between the pleasure of it and the knowledge that I was putting myself in danger
9# I finally decided to finish it, frustrated and tired by the conflict
10# I chalked it up to a mistake and began masturbating in earnest
11# I began adding different scenarios, different girls, different numbers of girls and generally fiddling with my fantasy to get the maximum pleasure of it
12# I pulled down on my testicles to increase the length of the orgasm
13# I felt a sense of relief that the conflict was over
14# I felt a sense of fear that this would lead me to the next link chain

My sexual compulsion wheel includes:
Sensory stimulation, touch and visual primarily
Fantasy
Relief
Frustration
Loneliness
Control
Self-loathing
Anticipation
Emotional comfort
Orgasm
Fear



PMO:
1# I start to obsess over a particular sexual activity or fetish- fantasy
2# I start to visualize it in great detail-fantasy, frustration
3# I masturbate to relieve myself of the obsessive thoughts-frustration relief, sensory: touch,
4# I continue to obsess, but this time I have the strong urge to continue to masturbate- fantasy, frustration
5# I engage in chain-masturbation- fantasy, sensory: touch, frustration relief
6# I becomes harder and harder to imagine the scenario in enough detail to satisfy me- frustration
7# I have the urge to view porn as a visual aid to help me get greater clarity and more intensity- frustration
8# I start engaging in peaking behavior by viewing sexual material on the internet that isn’t technically erotica- fantasy, sensory: visual, anticipation
9# I realize I’ve already lost, that I’m already deep in the chain and breaking it isn’t worth it (not actually true, but I feel so bad about myself I accept this as true)- self-loathing (past)? , frustration, anticipation
10# I capitulate to the urge and start to view the pornographic content of my choice- frustration relief, self-loathing, sensory: touch, visual;
11# I began to seek other fetishes other than the one that started me on the chain. Often, because it wasn’t nearly as stimulating as I imagined.- sensory: touch, visual; fantasy, emotional comfort

12# I decide on one or two pieces of content to focus on for the orgasm- sensory: touch, visual; fantasy
13# I orgasm- orgasm
14# I feel a sense of failure and self-loathing- self-loathing
15# I fall into a cycle of chain-PMO and self-aggression – self-loathing, frustration, frustration relief

Prostitutes:
1# I feel lonely or sexually frustrated- loneliness, frustration
2# I began to fantasize about prostitutes I’ve been with- fantasy, loneliness relief, frustration
3# I begin browsing sites that advertise prostitutes – sensory: visual, fantasy
4# I spend an hour or two selecting a list. It starts off fairly broad and gets narrower and narrower, until I decide on 1 to 4 service providers. I make a game of it, like a sort of prostitute tournament.- control (power), sensory: visual, fantasy
5# I find 4 or so free hours in my schedule- fear, frustration
6# I make the call, talk logistics- fear
7# I prepare myself, bathe, shave, choose my clothes and perfume. Sometimes I make sure I’ve worked out prior to look more pumped.- fantasy, roleplaying
8# I travel to the location- anticipation
9# I engage in the service- sensory: touch, smell, taste, visual, aural, fantasy, loneliness relief, roleplaying, frustration, fear
10# I orgasm sometimes- orgasm sometimes
11# I feel a sense of accomplishment that I’ve had sex- accomplishment

Note: I recently experienced the first behavior described above (masturbation). I don’t consider it part of my small suite of addictions, but as a link in the PMO chain. Still, the way I regard it at the moment, masturbating for pleasure’s sake puts me in a precarious position. Unlike other times before, I recognized the danger I was in and took steps (although I procrastinated for a full 6 hours). In the interest of honesty and transparency, I have to admit I haven’t been acting in my own best interest these past couple of days.
I’m also a bit on the fence about whether or not to consider my self-loathing as an element of my past. I think it somewhat stems from my own failure to quit in the past and my history of incompetence with the opposite sex. So I’m going to err on the side of ‘’yes, it’s part of my past’’.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 29, 2018 12:54 pm 
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Lesson 25:
Ritual-malignant fantasy, part of PMO chain:
1. Have already engaged in M previous day
2. Lingering thoughts-doubts about ability to break chain
3. Fantasize, explore how intense it is
4. Begin to find pleasure
5. Fantasy wanes and waxes through the day, coinciding with how aware I am of the fantasy: more awareness=waning
6. Imagine going into shower with naked girl
7. Deciding moment of whether or not I continue on the chain
8. Decide that fantasy itself is the source of unease and unhappiness at the moment
9. Make decision to stop


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2018 11:27 am 
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I think I'll start posting from my personal notebook. Here's a smattering:

It’s pointless to have milestones. Recovery isn’t measured by days, but by understanding. If I master my new skillset, I will have recovered, even if my last PMO was yesterday.

I am overstimulated. Ergo I want to downgrade to simply be stimulated. I will limit gaming to an hour a day. Same for tv shows/vids
If I am used to extreme stimulation and suddenly finding my normal means lacking for whichever reason, I tend to slip towards PMO.
I love doing useful things, but up until now, it’s been just as much about the satisfaction of doing a good job as it was about having a ‘’reward’’ in the highly stimulating activities with potential for abuse. (Games, tv shows, PMO).
I make the distinction between things that I want to moderate and things that I want to quit thusly: if there are serious health/safety consequences, I will quit. If the only consequence is procrastination, I will moderate. Instantly gratifying activities should not be the goal of one’s life. the ‘’reward’’ for hard work. They should be simple breaks, restful activities. The meaning should be derived from those actions that bring us in line with our values.

MO for the purpose of pleasure triggers my ingrained habits. Next time I’m feeling down I will want to MO. This will lead me down my chain. The only logical end result is relapse. Therefore I will cut MO from my life for 3 months so I can separate it from the ritualistic chain.
Last MO 30.7.2018

Finally, I've decided to stop limiting my life via the ''I'll do X as soon as I quit'' mentality. This mentality is leading me to rushing through lessons so I can get to the ''good stuff'', i. e. urge management, so I can have myself a long period of abstinence, so I can convince myself I've ''quit for real'', so I can get on with my life. As I've stated above, recovery is not measured by days. Recovery does not preclude me from getting on with my life.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 01, 2018 11:57 am 
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Posts: 305
FN,

Quote:
Recovery isn’t measured by days, but by understanding. If I master my new skillset, I will have recovered,


Outstanding.

Indeed recovery is a journey not just a destination.

Your commitment to reducing the over stimulation in your life will absolutely be beneficial. Often we often view recovery as being about abstinence, constant restriction, and urge management. Although an admirable goal, restrictions and focus purely on abstinence can cause further dissatisfaction and stress in one's life (which, as you're learning, is the beginning of many people's chains).

With that in mind, FN, what would you like to ADD to your life that would be healthy? Hint: take a look at your action plans from lessons 6 and 7.

Great work and be well,

Anon


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 01, 2018 1:30 pm 
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Lesson 27:
Overlapping compulsive rituals:
1. Bored/tired
2. Feeling bothersome
3. Urge for relief
4. Start playing one video game or another
5. Still bored
6. Turn down in-game-music and play my own
7. Occasionally pause to daydream beyond the scope of the game’s plot


I can give a lot more examples in the category of rituals engaged in one after the other:

Complete masturbatory or PMO chain, move on to music, move on to video games, move on to youtube, move on to exercise, move on to dinner+tv, move on to all nighter, learning or practicing lines, go to sleep.
I could go on, but suffice to say, a lot of my life is spend engaging in immediately gratifying actions.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 01, 2018 1:39 pm 
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''With that in mind, FN, what would you like to ADD to your life that would be healthy? Hint: take a look at your action plans from lessons 6 and 7.''

That's a great question. I noticed these past 2 days that prohibitive measures are hard to follow, and having something that's both fun, value building and active would be great.

I notice that a lot of my action plan involves either situational behavior or a lot of reading. Since I already do a lot of that, I'm thinking playing guitar more often and meeting with friends would be the ideal thing to add.


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