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PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2018 9:41 am 
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We've both done the personal/individual work and will start on what we can of the Couple's work now.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2018 10:15 am 
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Aletheia's Response to Lesson 1:

Quote:
A. An updated vision for the life that you are leading (this may require no effort at all if your current vision established in your individual workshop is accurate)


My Vision:

I am:
- Confident/satisfied and happy with my body
- Intimate and loving
- Invested and devoted to my relationship
- Devoted to doing my will
- Capable of being alone
- Capable of keeping my boundaries
- Living a simple productive and healthy life
- Self controlled enough to be honest and not obsess
- Confident in my intuition and self knowledge
- Less threatened/jealous of other women
- Less obsessive over his addiction and process
- I feel more safe, more content
- Able to feel passion and excitement
- Able to be adventurous
- Allow myself to take up space and time

Quote:
B. An expansion of your vision in the area involving partnership (specifically focus on two areas: what you hope to experience within your partnership over the next year; and, in looking back on your life from the point of your death until now, what challenges, experiences and memories you hope to share with your partner)


Next Year:
- A consistent feeling of teamwork
- Feeling comfortable with intimacy again for both of us
- Rebuilding trust
- Experiencing more intimacy
- Relearning to enjoy and have fun when we are out and about, not allowing every trigger to ruin things.
- Get to a point in our homestead that we are doing more creative projects and not “have to” projects
- Continue to focus on our physical health

In the future:
- More travel. Go to Europe, go to the Caribbean again, do our cross country road trip
- Go on at least one long backpacking trip but do shorter stints regularly
- Being healthy and vital in our older years.

This part is somewhat hard for me, as I have a hard time envisioning a future just now, knowing that things can fall apart at any minute. I've never been able to really envision my own longterm future other than general feelings I have of what I'd like.

Quote:
C. A simple list of the likely obstacles that are/will be standing between you and enacting this vision. (Think current or likely future obstacles only; such as inefficient communication rituals, alcohol, lack of forgiveness, etc.).


- Complacency: We both tend to suffer from this.
- Stress
- His personal feelings of shame, keeping him from being transparent
- Volunteer work: too much of it at times
- My own PTSD: I freeze up and don’t make my needs clear at times
- Being lazy: both of us tend toward quiet lazy time.

Quote:
D. A simple list of goals that you have for the remainder of your life. (Important goals that you feel the need to accomplish to experience a sense of fulfillment in your life. Don't leave any out. If there is something that you feel that you must experience, list it. For instance, I know that at some point in my life, I need to spend a year or more in the mountains—surviving off the land. Even if it kills me, it's something I need to do to feel like I lived the life that I wanted to live. What do you need to experience—if anything?)


- Travel: as above
- Continue with Skill mastery: I want to be a wise older woman. I want to be able to have said I lived my life and knew things.
- I would like us to say that we mastered this addiction and move on from it.
- I would like to feel that we’ve “finished” the work on our property and enjoy it in our old age.

Quote:
E. A simple list of the goals that YOU BELIEVE your partner feels the need to accomplish in the remaining years of his/her life (Don't ask for these, share from your current knowledge base)


- Travel
- Backpacking
- Build homesteading skills: Building, carpentry, fishing etc.
- Recover well from this addiction: Be honest and continue growing from it.
- Be the person that does the right thing
- Get and stay healthy physically

Quote:
F. An updated list of your top ten practical values (the areas of your life that you currently derive the most meaning and fulfillment from)


1. Skill mastery - Active problem solver
    * Continue teaching via leadership training in volunteering
    * Continue to learn house holding skills, gardening etc
    * Continue to learn about addiction, co-dependency etc
2. Honesty/Truthful
    * Meditate on honesty and truth
    * Use skills in inhibition (Alexander technique) to pause and reinforce honesty in myself.
    * Call out dishonesty in my relationships when appropriate and discuss reasons, deeper meaning etc
3. Productive
    * Continue to stay on top of my work and grow my business
    * Continue to stay on top of my volunteering
    * Keep my house chores/activities up
4. Live simply and healthy - Minimalism
    * Confident/satisfied and happy with my body
    * Keeping my eating and movement healthy
    * De-clutter regularly and sell or donate items we no longer need
    * Enjoy my new home and environment
5. Loving, caring partner
    * Invested and devoted to my relationship
    * Continue with my lessons/learning
    * Stay supportive of partner.
6. Spiritual - Deeply follow my path
    * Devoted to doing my will
    * Daily ritual
    * Plan ritual spaces around grounds for our use
7. Help those around me and give back to my community
    * Lead by example, stay on course for my own work
    * Apply these principles so that I make fewer mistakes/misunderstandings
    * Continue to devote time to my small leadership group of women
8. Self supporting - Self employed, grow our food, make things, self sufficient
    * Capable of being alone
    * Schedule time to spend alone once per quarter if it doesn’t happen through travel.
    * Continue with self improvement activities
    * Encourage husband to take charge of his own growth and recovery
9. I do the right thing
    * Self controlled enough to be honest and not obsess
    * I ask myself often if I am doing the right thing (subconscious and universal values)
    * When I do not do the right thing, I make amends.
10. Pursue greatness
    * Pursue my natural level of happiness, let go of shame involved with this.
    * Indulge in being more adventurous
    * Bring Joy into my life again.
11. Sexual Chastity/Monogamy
    * Continue to value a monogamous relationship where we both put all of our sexual energy into our relationship
    * Actively value the intimacy and safety that trusting my partner brings to the relationship, it allows me to open up and share more of myself and not hold back.
    * Remind myself that I am enough for him, and that his chastity is a magical oath and ritual that we engage in together.


Last edited by aletheia on Tue Jul 31, 2018 10:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2018 9:41 pm 
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If you have already completed the majority of the individual workshop lessons

There is no need to complete the activity above. However, you will each need to gather the following material and post them in your thread. If you are involved with Couple's Coaching, you will want to post these materials in your Couple's Thread — NOT your individual threads.

Quote:
a. An updated vision for the life that you are leading (this may require no effort at all if your current vision established in your individual workshop is accurate)


Here is my vision from 05/08/2018 when I first did Lesson 2 of the individual track:

  • Relationship
    • I will contribute at least half the effort that goes into my marriage.
    • I will make it visible and apparent to my wife that I love her.
    • I will show my wife that I find her beautiful.
    • I will make a life with K that I feel proud of (keep up the house, cook good meals, actively engaged), and provide a solid foundation for our marriage.
    • I will be 100% honest and transparent with my wife.
  • Household
    • I will be present, helpful, and proactive when it comes to helping manage the household.
    • I will mentally work to consider myself a full participant in the ownership of our home, not just along for the ride.
    • I devote myself to our life together in our homestead.
  • Family
    • I will be actively engaged with my extended family.
    • I will be generous with my time and resources with my extended family.
  • Ideals
    • I will be free of addictions and live a healthy life.
    • I will employ knowledge, will power, courage, and silent meditation to engage fully with my life.
    • I will be honest and forthright in all my relations with those around me.
  • Hobbies
    • I will learn to fish.
    • I will hike regularly every year that it is possible.
    • I will increase my knowledge and skills needed to be a self-reliant home owner (woodworking, repairs, etc.)
    • I will read more frequently than watching TV or movies.
    • I will increase knowledge frequently.
  • Health
    • I will lose some weight and maintain a healthy weight for my self over the long term.
    • I will increase and maintain reasonable flexibility and mobility.
    • I will increase and maintain reasonable strength.
Here is my vision from 07/25/2018 (Lesson 65 of the individual track):

I’m seeing a life where I can move about my environment without being worried about what I might see or encounter. One where I have a lot less anxiety and feel confident because I’m not hiding a bunch of crazy nonsense. Where there is a deep and abiding trust between my wife and I because I don’t lie and I’m open about what I’m feeling and experiencing and it is no longer painful to do so. Life is good and positive and I’m regularly spending the majority of my time doing things that are in alignment with my values. I’m making good progress with my goals. I’m a homesteader and making things for myself in super productive ways. I’m on top of my game when it comes to my volunteer work and feeling proud of it. I’m camping, backpacking, and hiking quite a lot and loving it. I may even be skiing again. I’m lean and fit and mobile, no longer worried about dropping dead of a heart attack. I spend time training my dogs and they are awesome to be around. I’m kind and generous with my family and in touch with them often to feel like I’m really part of the family. My vision of life after recovery makes me tear up just thinking about it because damn if I would not just love this life. Cheers to getting there!

Quote:
b. An expansion of your vision in the area involving partnership (specifically focus on two areas: what you hope to experience within your partnership over the next year; and, in looking back on your life from the point of your death until now, what challenges, experiences and memories you hope to share with your partner)

  • In the next year
    • Feeling closer as a result of complete transparency regarding my addiction.
    • Increased self esteem that may come as a result of success in recovery and brining that confidence into our relationship. I tended to feel quite second rate.
    • Increased intimacy.
    • Reduced stress over outings (travel and events) because I have tested and found recovery strategies that are working.
    • Significant progress made around the homestead in a way that feels like I’m really contributing at least half of the work involved and not wasting time any longer on my addiction.
    • My wife really feels like I find her beautiful and that I love her.
    • My wife feels she is getting the affection that she wants.
    • My wife feels totally safe in our marriage.
    • I’m able to do all of these things and still maintain emotional balance as an introvert by seeking positive activities that fulfill my needs (experiencing nature, walking, hiking, reading, etc.).
  • Lifetime
    • My wife really feels like I find her beautiful and that I love her.
    • My wife feels she is getting the affection that she wants.
    • My wife feels totally safe in our marriage.
    • We retire early and have lots of time for our homesteading and travel
    • We are healthy and active right up until the end
Quote:
c. A simple list of the likely obstacles that are/will be standing between you and enacting this vision. (Think current or likely future obstacles only; such as inefficient communication rituals, alcohol, lack of forgiveness, etc.).

  • Complacency
  • Laziness
  • Too much volunteer work
  • Lack of consistency
Quote:
d. A simple list of goals that you have for the remainder of your life. (Important goals that you feel the need to accomplish to experience a sense of fulfillment in your life. Don't leave any out. If there is something that you feel that you must experience, list it. For instance, I know that at some point in my life, I need to spend a year or more in the mountains—surviving off the land. Even if it kills me, it's something I need to do to feel like I lived the life that I wanted to live. What do you need to experience—if anything?)

  • Being a master of GTD to gain a sense of control over my life
  • Spiritual attainment
  • Longer backpacking trips
  • Lots of short backpacking trips
  • Travel (Europe, road trip around US, Mexico, South America, wind jammer cruises, China, Taiwan, etc.)
  • Fishing
  • Reading loads of books
  • Financial freedom (early retirement)
Quote:
e. A simple list of the goals that YOU BELIEVE your partner feels the need to accomplish in the remaining years of his/her life (Don't ask for these, share from your current knowledge base)

  • Travel (likely to Europe, Caribbean, Mexico, South America, etc.)
  • Backpacking (one longer trip at least)
  • Have a thriving homestead, garden, and retreat center
  • Retire early and have enough passive income to support travel and lifestyle we love
Quote:
f. An updated list of your top ten practical values (the areas of your life that you currently derive the most meaning and fulfillment from)

  • Believe in myself
  • Honesty
  • Strengthen my role as a partner to my wife
  • Commitment to an addiction free life
  • Devotion to self actualization
  • Develop emotional maturity
  • Do the right thing
  • Engage with learning
  • Minimalism - live a simple and healthy life
  • Strengthening my role as householder and partner
  • Devotion to community (volunteer)
  • Strengthen engagement with family (mother, father, sister, niece, and nephew)
  • Engage and appreciate natural beauty/nature
  • Engage and improve health
  • Financial stability


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2018 8:55 am 
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Exercise Two:

This lesson was both very nice and incredibly difficult for me. River did a really nice job of planning things out. We have my elderly father living with us, so some of the activities were difficult to get around, but he came up with some ideas and did a great job of offering that to me.

I noticed right away when confronting this idea that I had a lot of baggage coming into it. I've been doing some lessons on another site about sexual betrayal and trauma (PM me if any other partners are interested, its been really helpful) and so I was feeling a bit raw I think.

Feelings going into this exercise:

Not trusting that he would go through the with exercise, end up flailing about it, making it about him, his inability to figure things out or make it about himself failing at it. This mainly comes from my previous relationship (who was also a SA) who would try and "make things up to me" with a nice overture but it would turn into a horrible gas-lighting session and be abusive and designed to manipulate me into feeling guilty. I always felt that my need for him making amends were not valid, I wasn't worth it, and my needs made things worse. They did often result in more use. There's some themes here that are similar in my past with my mother as well.

Fear of opening up. I'm not able to trust yet and being taken care of requires being open and accepting and that was very hard for me.

On the other hand, the foot rub, bath, story time, massage etc all felt really nice and I tried to stay in the moment, enjoy the feelings of love and when visions of betrayal would come up I would try and breathe through them and just let them go. That worked for the most part, but I think some stuck around, I didn't sleep well, was fitful and too alert and hyper-vigilant for a good portion of the night.

Its relieving when I run into these sorts of feelings that are difficult on this healing journey as I feel that I have touched on something, some aspect of the trauma that I am able to control and heal. This exercise was like that, I was confronted with a lot of emotions and my body kept shutting down and going into "freeze" mode, starting about two or three hours prior to the lesson.

Most enjoyable aspects:

- Talking about future plans with our cabin build-out and what it will be like when we are done
- Foot rub. MMMM...:)
- Being read to in the bath. I have been reading to him off and on for the last few years before bed, a chapter from the Little House on the Prairie series and it was fun to just sit in the hot bath and have him read to me.


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2018 8:58 am 
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Exercise Two

Quote:
Purpose: The purpose of this activity is to expand each partner's perception of the other from their current stage of life to stages throughout the life span. While engaging in what is below, you are asked to temporarily suspend all thoughts of addiction/recovery (past, present and future) in order to grasp each other's fragility and humaneness. Rules:

(SA) The person in recovery will take an evening to care for their partner. This care should be playful, but intimate. Meaning, the partner being cared for is not to act as an invalid, but rather, as appreciative and helpful in having someone nurture certain needs that they can no longer meet on their own. This caring will include areas such as eating, hygiene and 'feeling loved'. As you are providing this care, focus on how vulnerable your partner's life is. How fragile her life-sustaining activities are (e.g. breathing; heart beating; need for food, water, etc.). Focus on how lucky you are to have another human being to relate to in times of such fragility and vulnerability. Focus on how many opportunities you have in your day-to-day life to nurture your partner more than you are already do.

Once you have completed this activity, both of you should write up a brief summary of what positive thoughts such dependency on each other triggered and post them in your couple's thread.

This exercise really did bring up some thoughts on our interdependency. It highlighted for me how much my life is dependent on hers most of the time and not the reverse. It felt very good and right to give back for a time. I’ve had a reaction to giving for most of my life and that is anxiety over doing it right. I’m unsure of finding the right gift or of offering help in the right way. As a result I’ve often just neglected to give and sat with the anxiety of not doing it. This prescriptive act of giving allowed me to not worry about that and just do these things and see how it made me feel and how it appeared to make her feel. It was freeing in that regard and I felt as if because I was being told how to give (even though I picked things that I thought she would benefit from) I could relax and enjoy the giving and focus more on how it was affecting her rather than how it is all about me and whether I was doing the right thing.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:33 pm 
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Lesson 3 Couples RN - Aletheia's list:

List of values and boundaries about them:

Skill mastery - Active problem solver
I value my ability to teach leadership and mentor. Relapse causes great strain on me during these times. I need him to prioritize this in my life and not make slips/relapses during these weekends.
* Action: Acting out, slips, relapse during my conference weekends needs to stop.
* Response: Red Event Chain, Yellow Event Chain depending on circumstance.

Honesty/Truthful
Lying, lying by omission, bending the truth etc is not acceptable.
* Action: Lying about anything.
* Response:Yellow Event Chain.

Productive, independent and self-supporting:

Because I own my own business and he is an employee, we work at home. The addiction behaviors have greatly impacted my ability to work productively and causes me intense stress and fear of accusations of workplace harassment etc.
* Action: Porn use/relapse during work hours. Saying you are behind in your work, but are really just wasting time on porn.
* Response: Red Event Chain
* Action: Tracking/scanning my employee(s)
* Response: Red Event Chain
* Action: Taking pictures of my employee(s)
* Response: Red Event Chain

Live simply and healthy - Minimalism
* One of my values under this is to feel safe and secure as well as enjoy my home. I need to feel good about myself and safe and painless in my body. All discussions, acting out etc causes me to feel insecure, unsafe and results in body pain.
* Action: Bringing/having porn in the house
* Response: Red Event Chain
* Action: Slips/issues
* Response: Yellow Event Chain
* Action: Relapse
* Response: Red Event Chain

Loving, caring partner
I need a partner in life, who engages in our relationship. One who is kind and loving.
* Action: Acting our behaviors: Being rude, pushing me away.
* Response: Yellow Event Chain
* Action: Tracking/scanning on a woman in public without using the “elephant” key word.
* Response: Red Event Chain

Help those around me and give back to my community
It is important to me to be a model of good behavior and an inspiration in our volunteer work. Your actions have undermined this in the past.
* Action: tracking, scanning or taking pictures of women at events. Voyeurism.
* Response: Red Event Chain.
* Action: Not taking care of your introverted tendencies when overwhelmed at events, causing a slip or acting out behaviors
* Response: Yellow Event Chain
* Action: Not taking care of yourself as above, but causing a full relapse.
* Response: Red Event Chain

I do the right thing
Simply doing what is right as each action enters my life is important.
* Action: Relapse
* Response: Red Event Chain
* Action: Slips
* Response: Yellow Event Chain
* Action: Gaslighting
* Response: Red/Yellow Event Chain depending on circumstances

Pursue greatness
It is in my nature to be the best I can be and compete with myself for excellence. I enjoy being a force of nature to those around me, mentoring, encouraging and inspiring.
* Action: Rude behaviors, man-splaining me, discouraging me, other similar acting out behaviors.
* Response: Yellow Event Chain

Sexual Chastity/Monogamy
We have devoted our lives to our monogamous relationship, have both agreed that we choose and prefer that sexual energy that is generated out side of the relationship (in healthy ways) is turned inward and devoted to our purposes.
* Action: Full relapse
* Response: Red Event Chain
* Action: Relapse with teen or child porn
* Response: Separation for possible divorce
* Action: Sexting/phone sex
* Response: Separation for possible divorce
* Action: Cheating/sex with others
* Response: Separation for possible divorce

List of Responses to behaviors:

1. One on one discussion: May include use of “Yellow” or “Red” discussion topics, i.e., “Yellow - I need to speak to you when ready” meaning he ran into something that was challenging and it went fine but wants to discuss and disclose when I am emotionally ready. “Red - I need to speak to you when ready” means typically relapse or other serious issue that will definitely be upsetting.

2. Yellow Event Chain - For use for milder issues/slips etc.
* Event happens and we identify it.
* We both take time out and spend time alone reviewing.
* I take time to handle my bio-needs, use calming tools so as to not spiral off into more trauma/physical pain of my body.
* I journal my feelings and emotional response, determine which values were compromised (if any) so I can see the situation clearly.
* If values are compromised, I will write three things that I need for him to make amends and repair.
* If values are not compromised, I will write if I need anything to ground out and get back to baseline emotional state/reconnect.
* We then sit together when it is convenient and safe for both of us.
* We embrace for a few minutes if possible
* He discloses how he’s feeling, what happened in its entirety, how it affected his values (he would have reviewed his values by now, journaled and gone through his process).
* I disclose my feelings, how it affected my values if it did, what I need now.
* We process and discuss as needed.
* Do our reconnecting/grounding ritual we wrote based on our shared values.
* After a day or two, revisit and debrief to determine if the process worked or if we need to update it.

3. Red/Relapse Event Chain - For use with full relapses and major events.
* If relapse has happened, he will spend 10 minutes alone, to consider his actions/how it has affected him.
* Full disclosure of behavior to me.
* I find a place to be alone and safe. If full relapse or other serious issue, this will likely mean a full day/night away from the home at a hotel etc so I can find safety and calm myself.
* I take time to handle my bio-needs, use calming tools so as to not spiral off into more trauma/physical pain of my body.
* I journal my feelings and emotional response, determine which values were compromised so I can see the situation clearly.
* If values are compromised, I will write three things that I need for him to make amends and repair.
* If values are not compromised, I will write if I need anything to ground out and get back to baseline emotional state/reconnect.
* We then sit together when it is convenient and safe for both of us.
* We embrace for a few minutes if possible
* He discloses how he’s feeling, what happened in its entirety, how it affected his values (he would have reviewed his values by now, journaled and gone through his process).
* I disclose my feelings, how it affected my values if it did, what I need now.
* If amenable and possible he does one of his amend actions right away, but plans the others as soon as our schedule permits.
* We process and discuss as needed.
* When ready: Do our reconnecting/grounding ritual we wrote based on our shared values.
* After a day or two, revisit and debrief to determine if the process worked or if we need to update it.

4. Separation with plans for Divorce.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:35 pm 
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Exercise Three

Quote:
1. Both of you will take some time to create an individual list of perceived value conflicts that focus on your values that are being or may likely be violated by your partner's behavior. Use the outline shared earlier in the lesson (e.g. Developing the Contract) to establish awareness of all major conflicts. Note that we will not be addressing all of these conflicts in detail, only establishing that they exist. Additionally, we will begin to define the values and boundaries that are at the core of these conflicts. And an initial probe into the severity of each conflict (as dictated by the consequences). Post them into your Couple's Healing Thread.

2. While you are free to read your partner's proposed contracts, DO NOT judge them, criticize them, correct them or in any way allow yourself to become emotionally upset by them. This is a baseline of information that we will then evolve. You both must be free to create and express your thoughts in a safe environment — no matter how warped those thoughts and perceptions might be.

3. If you are in Couple's Coaching, schedule an appointment with Coach Jon to review these contracts separately. Note that we will not be implementing these contracts as is. Instead, we will be evolving them and including them in the Partnership Contract to be developed in the next lesson.

  1. Believe in myself
    • Action: Slips or relapse
    • Response: Yellow or Red event chain
  2. Honesty
    • Action: Lying about anything
    • Response: Yellow event chain
  3. Strengthen my role as a partner to my wife
    • Action: Slips or relapse
    • Response: Yellow or Red event chain
    • Action: Not fulfilling my half of the work in our relationship
    • Response: Discussion and getting back into it
  4. Commitment to an addiction free life
    • Action: Slips or relapse
    • Response: Yellow or Red event chain
    • Action: Complacency, noticing I'm getting too relaxed about things
    • Response: Discussion and writing down actions to take on a regular basis
  5. Devotion to self actualization
    • Action: Slips, relapse, lying in any way
    • Response: Discussion, Yellow or Red event chain depending on what the issue is.
  6. Develop emotional maturity
    • Action: Slips, relapse, lying in any way
    • Response: Yellow or Red event chain, discussion if only that needed
    • Action: Lack of work to keep in recovery
    • Response: Discussion and writing down actions to take on a regular basis
  7. Do the right thing
    • Action: Slips, relapse, lying in any way
    • Response: Yellow or Red event chain, discussion if only that needed
  8. Engage with learning
    • Action: Avoiding learning somehow (drinking too much in the evening so it is not possible, watching too much TV, etc.)
    • Response: Cut out the things that are taking over the time it takes to keep learning and add that back in.
  9. Minimalism - live a simple and healthy life
    • Action: Life gets too complicated
    • Response: Be willing to remove things that are cluttering up life, be it physical objects, or addictive behaviors that are causing life to be cluttered with recovery management, etc. Review on a regular basis to make sure extra stuff does not take over my life.
  10. Strengthening my role as householder and partner
    • Action: Slips, relapse, lying in any way
    • Response: Yellow or Red event chain, discussion if only that needed
  11. Devotion to community (volunteer)
    • Action: Slips or relapse related to voyeurism
    • Response: Red event chain
  12. Strengthen engagement with family (mother, father, sister, niece, and nephew)
    • Action: Not calling and making time to spend with them
    • Response: Prioritize this time so that not too much time goes by without contact -- it upsets me emotionally and that needs to be managed.
  13. Engage and appreciate natural beauty/nature
    • Action: Not making time to do this for extended periods of time.
    • Response: Carve out at least very small periods of time that are focused on this (have coffee outside in the yard, sit out there and watch the wildlife, etc.)
  14. Engage and improve health
    • Action: Going too long without some attention to this (a week goes by and I've not even done mobility work)
    • Response: Make sure to add this back in the following week and not beat myself up about skipping it for a week. It is far more likely that I'll add it back in if I don't feel guilty about it.
  15. Financial stability
    • Action: I've not actively budgeted or reconciled for at least a week.
    • Response: Discussion -- bring it up so I don't feel guilty and then get on it and spend even a little time looking at the budget and reconcile.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:46 pm 
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RN - Partner contract:

I, Aletheia, do pledge:

To take personal responsibility for healing from the trauma that I have experienced. I have both the right to heal and the right to live a healthy life. To surround myself with healthy people.

To allow myself to feel the pain of this discovery without shame or embarrassment. I did not cause this addiction. Our marriage did not cause this addiction. Both have merely been caught in its web.
Understanding that there is no path that I am 'supposed to' follow. That whatever I feel, is natural. When it becomes destructive to my own life or others (e.g. neglecting my kids, my career, my friends, etc.), it is my responsibility to take action. I am accountable for the destruction that results from my behavior — even if that behavior is directly related to his addiction.

To hold my partner accountable as a mature adult, not a child. That his skills may be immature is not a sufficient reason to lesson my expectations of him acting like an adult. I will be compassionate as he develops this maturity, but will hold him accountable for what he does during the development.

To share my feelings, thoughts and experiences openly — using healthy judgment as to when, to who and how I share them.

To rebuild trust in my instincts. To use these instincts in guiding the gray areas of my life. To develop the courage to act on these instincts.

To separate my healing needs from my partner's recovery needs — acknowledging we have different paths to travel as individuals, but respecting the importance of both.
That I will make a decision to stay with my partner based primarily on my love for him and his ability to meet my most important needs; not because I feel pressured/stuck in the relationship.

To build a life of my own, capable of sustaining meaning and fulfillment regardless of my partner's commitment to his recovery.

To acknowledge that challenges existed within our marriage/relationship prior to the discovery of this addiction.

To not use avoidance as means of managing our relationship.

To acknowledge that I have made mistakes in my own life, in our marriage/relationship and will continue to make mistakes.

To not settle for sticking my head in the sand. I do not want to sweep this crisis under the rug, nor do I want it to just go away. Instead, I want to take the time we need to fundamentally change our relationship.

To establish a boundary system that is clear and healthy; to teach my partner those boundaries; and to work together to enforce them. This means providing ongoing feedback, support and encouragement to my partner as he recognizes those boundaries.

To encourage and support my partner in his effort to change his life.
Understanding that my partner will not achieve perfection in his recovery. That he will make mistakes — some irrational, some selfish, some immature — that could serve as grounds for destroying any progress that has been made. I will instead place these actions in the context of addiction recovery, not perfection.
Within reason, I will accept gradual progress in my partner's recovery when it is accompanied by sincere effort.

To seek out changes in my partner with objectivity and optimism. I want him to succeed. I want him to become healthy.

To keep perspective between the ideals and the reality of my partner's recovery. For instance, while I would like for him to experience no urges, I know this is an unrealistic ideal. In reality, I will separate these urges from his response to them.

To provide my partner with a safe environment from which he can learn about his addiction, pursue recovery and transition into a healthy person.

To honor our partnership values:

Value: We value being in “right relation” with each other.
Boundaries:
* We will approach each other in our marriage with the goal to be in clear and clean relation with each other. This means that if any boundaries have been violated or values disrespected, any interactions will not be in clear and clean relation with each other.
* Each interaction should be to respect each others feelings. This means being respectful and kind in our communications with each other.
* Examples:
* Relapse without disclosure negates any right action in the marriage until full disclosure, honesty and amends are made.
* Emotional states causing rudeness, poor behavior etc should be called out (by both partners) and amends made.

Value: We value having a firm foundation for our marriage.
Boundaries:
* We will support each other in our lives, in our actions and in our relations with others. When out and about in the world, we will first think of how our actions will affect the other before we act to cause lack of support.
* As we travel through life, we strive to support each other’s will/purpose. Actions that undermine these values cause us to have have to process, recover, fix and doing so causes us to move back to basics and painfully detracts us from our life’s purpose.
* Examples:
* Relapses will cause us to have to focus for days and weeks on rebuilding the lost trust and foundation of our marriage.
* Scanning, targeting and objectification/acting out in public places destroys any foundation of our marriage for that outing, causing insecurity, stress, trauma.

Value: We value self reliance and individual independence.
Boundaries:
* We will each strive to be independent and self reliant. We will take responsibility for our feelings as well as our actions.
* While we will assist each other in times of trouble, we will not allow this assistance to destroy mutual self respect. When one of us fails to honor the others values or the values of another, we will provide support, but not take on the responsibility of fixing the problem. We allow each other their own successes.
* We acknowledge the divine in each other. We approach each interaction as that with the divine in ourselves and cherish those aspects of each other that are at the root of our will.
* Examples:
* Requiring the other to “fix” emotional states.
* Indulging in victimization rather than values cased actions.
* Over-helping, controlling the others recovery or health.
* Being ungrateful

Value: We value sexual chastity and respect and honor each others bodies.
Boundaries:
* We both acknowledge that this marriage is an agreement of monogamy and sexual chastity.
* Sexual energy gets returned to the relationship for our use to build the relationship and for our own creativity.
* Examples:
* Using Porn, looking up people on the internet for sexual interest, videos etc violate monogamy.
* Having sex with, sexual interactions with others without previous agreement violates monogamy

Value: We value that together and heart to heart, we are stronger as a couple than we are as individuals.
Boundaries:
* Together, we can achieve more than the sum of our parts.
* As life partners being challenged by the world, we will hold each other as a sanctuary from the world, sharing our heart’s desires, the secrets we hold from the rest of the world. Heart to heart, open and trusting.
* Examples:
* Keeping secrets (omission of acts)
* Hiding things from each other (Violation of values, failures etc).

Value: We value speaking the truth, speaking honestly and not denying truths.
Boundaries:
* We will speak the truth, one to another at all times.
* We acknowledge that truth is a necessary element in our marriage and will strive to trust each other in ways to facilitate this truth.
* An omission is considered a lie.
* Examples:
* Lying
* Hiding actions, relapses etc
* Lying by omission
* Gaslighting/manipulation

Value: We value caring for each other’s happiness and feelings of safety both in our home and when out in the world together.
Boundaries:
* Our home is a safe sanctuary from the world and we will strive to keep it that way.
* We acknowledge that there are times when we are out in the world that we need to have each other’s backs to facilitate feelings of safety and sanctuary.
* Examples:
* Having/using porn in the home.

Note: These shared values are a project we did together during our individual lessons to essentially serve the same purpose.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:48 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:20 am
Posts: 110
Recovery Nation - The Partner's Contract

Recovery Nation - The Partner's Contract

Couple's Recovery Workshop

(SA)

I, AlongTheRiver, do pledge:

To take personal responsibility for ending addiction in my life.

To not allow any excuses, obstacles or challenges distract me from this responsibility.

To make the transition to a healthy life a top priority — above even saving my marriage/relationship.

An understanding that there are no guarantees inherent with recovering as a couple. That the decision to continue the relationship has not yet been made. That a healthy decision can't be made until two healthy individuals merge from this recovery or it becomes apparent that such health will not be achieved.

To invest the next six months (at least) of my life developing new life management skills and learning how to effectively use them.

To continue to evolve the skills that I learn (on my own and as a team), long after the workshop has ended.

To make decisions based on long-term health, not short-term advantage.

To encourage my partner in her healing efforts. Not to hijack or manage those efforts, but to support her management of them.

Not to seek/assign blame for the problems in our relationship but rather, to acknowledge that there are problems and work together to solve them.

To construct a value system that consists of no less than eight active areas of my life that are capable of generating meaning and purpose (e.g. marriage, career, kids, hiking, music, etc.)

To mechanically monitor my life as laid out by the Recovery Workshop for at least six months. This will involve one month of (less than five minutes) daily monitoring and five months of (less than fifteen minutes) weekly monitoring.

To never consciously deceive my partner as a means of minimizing personal responsibility for my actions or 'protecting' her from pain.

That I have shared everything about my addiction to the best of my recollection/willingness. And that anything I continue to hold on to, I am doing so because I am not ready to share it openly.

That I have no hidden relationships, accounts, magazines, files, etc., that I have stashed away. All of them have been either destroyed or acknowledged.

That I will not allow a single compulsive urge to go unchallenged. I may not be able to control these urges, but I will never allow them to evolve into destructive action without putting up a conscious fight.

That I will immediately share with my partner, support system and/or recovery coach any ritual that I do not manage successfully.

To communicate to my partner and/or support system those times when I recognize complacency, confusion or conflict settling in to my recovery.

To monitor my recovery for signs of 'going through the motions' and take action when such signs are observed.

To seek as a privilege, not a punishment, opportunities to develop my emotional maturity and life skills.

To learn and respect the evolving values of my partner.

To accept all consequences of all my decisions. That includes any decision to withhold information, to engage in secret behavior, etc. I understand that it doesn't matter if the consequences are reasonable or just. Just as I have chosen to engage in the behavior; others have the choice of how they will respond. I am responsible for my actions.

To accept all consequences from having violated my partner's boundaries. This, as dictated by my partner's observations, not my own.

Keep mindful that my partner is imperfect and deserves understanding and patience. That she will make mistakes — some in direct contradiction to what is healthy.

To discover, acknowledge and eliminate all destructive communication rituals that I engage in.

To never use violence, emotional abuse, coercion or other threats to manipulate or otherwise control/repress my partner.

To respect my partner's boundaries surrounding sexuality: including a refrain from unwanted sexual advances, sexual pressure, sexual expectation, etc. I recognize that any sexual activity between us during this period of recovery must be mutually desired.

To honor our partnership values:

  • Value: We value being in “right relation” with each other.
    • Boundaries:
      • We will approach each other in our marriage with the goal to be in clear and clean relation with each other. This means that if any boundaries have been violated or values disrespected, any interactions will not be in clear and clean relation with each other.
      • Each interaction should be to respect each others feelings. This means being respectful and kind in our communications with each other.
    • Examples:
      • Relapse without disclosure negates any right action in the marriage until full disclosure, honesty and amends are made.
      • Emotional states causing rudeness, poor behavior etc should be called out (by both partners) and amends made.
  • Value: We value having a firm foundation for our marriage.
    • Boundaries:
      • We will support each other in our lives, in our actions and in our relations with others. When out and about in the world, we will first think of how our actions will affect the other before we act to cause lack of support.
      • As we travel through life, we strive to support each other’s will/purpose. Actions that undermine these values cause us to have have to process, recover, fix and doing so causes us to move back to basics and painfully detracts us from our life’s purpose.
    • Examples:
      • Relapses will cause us to have to focus for days and weeks on rebuilding the lost trust and foundation of our marriage.
      • Scanning, targeting and objectification/acting out in public places destroys any foundation of our marriage for that outing, causing insecurity, stress, trauma.
  • Value: We value self reliance and individual independence.
    • Boundaries:
      • We will each strive to be independent and self reliant. We will take responsibility for our feelings as well as our actions.
      • While we will assist each other in times of trouble, we will not allow this assistance to destroy mutual self respect. When one of us fails to honor the others values or the values of another, we will provide support, but not take on the responsibility of fixing the problem. We allow each other their own successes.
      • We acknowledge the divine in each other. We approach each interaction as that with the divine in ourselves and cherish those aspects of each other that are at the root of our will.
    • Examples:
      • Requiring the other to “fix” emotional states.
      • Indulging in victimization rather than values cased actions.
      • Over-helping, controlling the others recovery or health.
      • Being ungrateful
  • Value: We value sexual chastity and respect and honor each others bodies.
    • Boundaries:
      • We both acknowledge that this marriage is an agreement of monogamy and sexual chastity.
      • Sexual energy gets returned to the relationship for our use to build the relationship and for our own creativity.
    • Examples:
      • Using Porn, looking up people on the internet for sexual interest, videos etc violate monogamy.
      • Having sex with, sexual interactions with others without previous agreement violates monogamy
  • Value: We value that together and heart to heart, we are stronger as a couple than we are as individuals.
    • Boundaries:
      • Together, we can achieve more than the sum of our parts.
      • As life partners being challenged by the world, we will hold each other as a sanctuary from the world, sharing our heart’s desires, the secrets we hold from the rest of the world. Heart to heart, open and trusting.
    • Examples:
      • Keeping secrets (omission of acts)
      • Hiding things from each other (Violation of values, failures etc).
  • Value: We value speaking the truth, speaking honestly and not denying truths.
    • Boundaries:
      • We will speak the truth, one to another at all times.
      • We acknowledge that truth is a necessary element in our marriage and will strive to trust each other in ways to facilitate this truth.
      • An omission is considered a lie.
    • Examples:
      • Lying
      • Hiding actions, relapses etc
      • Lying by omission
      • Gaslighting/manipulation
  • Value: We value caring for each other’s happiness and feelings of safety both in our home and when out in the world together.
    • Boundaries:
      • Our home is a safe sanctuary from the world and we will strive to keep it that way.
      • We acknowledge that there are times when we are out in the world that we need to have each other’s backs to facilitate feelings of safety and sanctuary.
    • Examples:
      • Having/using porn in the home.


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