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PostPosted: Wed Sep 19, 2018 7:14 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2018 10:23 am
Posts: 55
ashamed that it's been 5-months since my last lesson in RN.

My mind has slipped back into old patterns (some) not 100%
Currently NOT addicted.! PTL, but using (porn) maybe 4-5X's/month.... (better than daily) but the goal is 100% free all the time...
Currently NOT visiting HE massage or Escorts (but DID) during my "break" - 5-7X's total ( = 5-7 too many) the goal is 100% free all the time.
MAKING A NEW COMMITMENT to this process. As stated above (revisit lesson 10 - today) then move on into a new life BeingMadeNew!
I'm back to finish this time... (to keep it moving, and to keep the mind-change progressing forward, I'd like to commit to 4-5 lessons/week) - this will better for me, and put me on a path to complete in 2018 (my "breakthrough" year)

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 19, 2018 7:50 am 
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LESSON 10

I. Consider those lies that are still being perpetuated in your life. Who you are deceiving. Why you are deceiving them. Consider the 'risks' of coming clean. No need to do anything about these thoughts... just have an awareness of them.

WHO:
Wife, Friends, Coworkers, Etc. - I am deceiving everyone, except those i anonymously visit.
WHY:
Wife – hurt. I do NOT want to hurt her heart. I know she’ll stay, love, pray, care, and keep me – but it hurts me to know I would hurt her.
Friends – are shallow, they would not stay or help or be involved in the solution – where is the “new-friend” who has the same issue to confide in?
RISKS:
Wife – come clean would put distrust and separation between us, stain, and the hurt that I want to protect her from – however, being able to talk and confide would be great for me?
Friends – all gone, Coworkers – maybe leave, loose respect for sure, even hurt business.

II. If you are involved in a partnership, choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving them in certain areas. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are willing to jeopardize the future of that relationship by maintaining the deception; AND, admit to yourself that you are intentionally sabotaging your own healthy foundation by allowing such a huge crack to remain.

I am acknowledging that I am willing to jeopardize the future by maintaining deception & I am intentionally sabotaging my own healthy foundation. ONLY because I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TELL THEM. I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want to cause the pain she went though once before that almost killed her….

III. If you are involved in professional coaching (or outside counseling), choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving those whom you are working with. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are not fully committed to ending your addiction. Acknowledge that you are choosing to 'go through the motions', rather than actively pursue real change.

NA – maybe I need professional counseling? Maybe this is required where I am in this struggle?

IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. List these items and their locations in your Recovery Thread. If you are uncomfortable sharing this in the forum, email or PM the list to a Coach.

• Nothing is saved anywhere
• I have in my memory websites to go to, to find people and places to do what my compulsive behavior desires.

V. Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object. Post this in your thread.

• Occasional MB to Porn (in solitude)
• Visit to massage parlors (female w/happy ending)
• Visit Escorts in homes/hotels from their online posts for service

VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior. Post this list in your thread.

• Adult Bookstores to watch video
• Internet: surf for porn, & masturbation
• Internet: surf for Escorts, (text, call – visit)
• Internet: surf for Massage Parlors (schedule appointment – show up)
• Drive by massage parlors – that I’ve visited & pull walk-in

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 19, 2018 7:51 am 
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LESSON 28

_________________
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BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 19, 2018 1:46 pm 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 293
BMN,
Nice to see you back.
Quote:
Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

Quote:
I am acknowledging that I am willing to jeopardize the future by maintaining deception & I am intentionally sabotaging my own healthy foundation. ONLY because I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TELL THEM. I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want to cause the pain she went though once before that almost killed her….

Fair enough, always your choice. No one here will tell you what to do or how to do it. You acknowledge willingness to deceive and I respect your decision. Let's take this opportunity to understand any underlying intentions behind the decision.

By continuing to deceive, addicts minimize our responsibility and accountability for our own actions, past and present. By "protecting the other" we are only avoiding our own pain (often the motivation of compulsive behavior as noted in lesson 19), not theirs. By "shielding the other" from more pain, we choose again, self-preservation over values--a core of addiction.
Coach Jon says:
Quote:
life managed through compulsive behavior can often be reduced to our old friend: immediate gratification. You experience pleasure now at the expense of potential pain later. You avoid pain now (through deceit, let's say) at the expense of potentially amplified pain later.


BMN, I'm not here to guilt you. Just to hold up a mirror for you as you continue towards health.

Be Well,

Anon


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2018 6:46 am 
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Posts: 55
Thank you Anon,

By continuing to deceive, addicts minimize our responsibility and accountability for our own actions, past and present. By "protecting the other" we are only avoiding our own pain (often the motivation of compulsive behavior as noted in lesson 19), not theirs. By "shielding the other" from more pain, we choose again, self-preservation over values--a core of addiction.

I read what you wrote yesterday - and thought through over night and this morning. - I get it. By "keeping the secret" I "keep my escape hatch" - I can always sneak back through when i emotionally think i need it, and there-by never really leave this in the past...
I need to close that door (hatch) and not have it as an option any longer. AND the best and only way to do that is invite others "in" - to let my wife and friends know that I'd like them to "help" (or atleast allow them to ask) if iv'e stayed "free".

There must be a reasonable, and less hurtful way to invite my wife into my "future" (with out options) without specifically sharing all the past details. (but i know her, she will ask about details, "how much, how many, when, what day(s), time(s), even who?) How do i respond in the vaguest sense possible, but be real and honost at the same time. -

THIS IS WHAT I MEAN, WHEN I SAY I DON'T KNOW HOW - so i choose to sweep it away and hide it. BUT I KNOW IT'S KEEPING A TRAP DOOR OPEN THAT I WILL ESCAPE THROUGH AT SOME FUTURE TIME WITHOUT CLOSING IT.... ooohhh this is now a very painful process.

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2018 3:06 pm 
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Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 293
BMN,

Not trying to turn your thread into a conversation so my apologies.

Quote:
THIS IS WHAT I MEAN, WHEN I SAY I DON'T KNOW HOW - so i choose to sweep it away and hide it. BUT I KNOW IT'S KEEPING A TRAP DOOR OPEN THAT I WILL ESCAPE THROUGH AT SOME FUTURE TIME WITHOUT CLOSING IT....


Your awareness is there. I applaud that. In time you'll find a path. No one can do it, or know how to do it, but you.

Quote:
ooohhh this is now a very painful process.


Keep in mind there is nothing that you need to "DO" right now except stay in the moment and continuing to focus on keeping yourself healthy. You don't have to make any decision right now regarding this. As for the pain, first and foremost, please always go at a pace at which your mind and body can safely handle. The work is indeed hard. And as Coach Jon mentions, much of an addict's behavior is around avoiding pain or to achieve more pleasurable states than we are currently in. But I truly believe that pain is a walking professor--ESPECIALLY for us addicts. We have to invite it in to teach us something before we ask it to leave. Otherwise it will just keep on nagging and knocking on the door.

No one here is judging you, BMN. Stay the course.

Be Well,

Anon


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2018 7:39 am 
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Posts: 55
I appreciate the insight (and attempt at comfort) I will wait & continue with the program. (knowing at a point in the future, i must invite my wife into the process - at least for going forward), still worried about the questions regarding the past when this happens.??

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2018 7:40 am 
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Posts: 55
Lesson 28 Exercise:

1. Develop a compulsive chain of your most recent acting out behavior.
2. Upon completion of this chain, review it to ensure that you can recognize the way that each element affected your emotional state.
3. Thinking as an addict, look for areas within this chain where you could add additional destructive elements that would have (most likely) increased the overall stimulation of the event. The actual events that you add should be realistic, and related to the chain itself. For instance, someone viewing porn might add the element of setting up a Power Point slide show of the images. Someone engaging in escort services might add the element of videotaping the encounters. Share these in your recovery thread.


Compulsive chain.
1. feel “uneasy” not sure what I need to get out of this “funk” (nothing is wrong, not anxious about money) – but “just wanting something”
emotional state: blah
2. go to computer – and open service provider page (shouldn’t but just the looking has a satisfying feeling)
emotional state: feeling better, excited, fantasy, aroused
3. spend an hour or more looking, reading reviews, rating in-my-head based on location, price, looks, and reviews… (by end of an hour have my top 3)
emotional state: excited, living the fantasy – happy, visual stimulation
4. then I log out (uncompleted, unsatisfied, and a little frustrated now) self induced from my original “uneasy” “funk”.
Emotional state: incomplete, frustrated, unfulfilled
1 OF 2 things could happen now – hop in the car and drive to AMP for a happy ending massage OR txt the top 3 from my fantasy list and make a compulsive visit to the one that responds.
5. Go to AMP, strip naked, and get a ½ or 1 hr massage with a happy finish
Emotional state: satisfied, happy, euphoria ending, fantasy, visual stimulation
6. Ashamed, sad, angry with self, worried, and the cycle begins again.

#2 – the emotional state was added above.
#3 – I could add: viewing porn & masturbating (thus ending the chain early) and with less risk, less excitement – At the amp, it’s a challenge for me to get her naked or exposed, many don’t so it’s exciting when one does – At the escort service, I often connect with the girl, make conversation, complement them, it’s exciting to get them to “like me” thus inviting my back or wanting more of my time for more than just a transaction. I could even make it more risky by having sex (unprotected) I worry that I might actually do this sometime and catch something…

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2018 8:14 am 
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Lesson 29 Exercise:

The role of emotions in motivating behavior is a critical aspect of understanding addiction. Without emotions, addiction does not exists. Without that intense need, that desire, that craving...addiction does not exist. To better understand this principle, you are going to be asked to do something that will require a significant emotional effort on your part.

A. Find a place where you will be alone and safe. Ensure that, for the next fifteen minutes, you won't be interrupted for any reason. Fifteen minutes (or longer, but not less than). Then close your eyes and just feel. Think of things that are important to you. Think of your values. Think of your regrets. Think of trauma that you have experienced. Think of wonderful moments.

After you have done this for fifteen minutes (or longer), and before you engage in any compulsive behavior, open your eyes and complete the following:

A. Describe the emotions that you experienced and the thoughts that triggered them.


Wow, I am all over the place, Values: God, Family, Friends who influence, I tear up realizing the incredible value these have put into me. I tear up more when I think about how I’ve missed “being in-the-moment” with them – often my mind was away on a fantasy in their presence and they did not know it.
I am BLESSED and overwhelmed with accomplishments within these relationships (or values) Kids with awesome spouses & amazing grandkids, Friends who would come in my time of need even in the middle of the night.
I love these feelings of love, of pride, of wellbeing, of accomplishment, of peace and joy, and my sinus pressure wells up with positive tears and happy sadness.
Regrets – mostly internal, the times I missed because of fantasy, the missing the moment while having a thought about a hot female passing by. Breaking promises of faithfulness to my wife without her even knowing. (I regret, and have feelings of deep deep hurt, regret, sadness, wishing I could turn back time and never do it) – my heart aches with regret. I cry out to God asking for forgiveness and protection for her…
PROUD of: Eagle Scout, of marrying well, of graduating College, of starting a successful business, twice, of raising great kids, of helping plant 3 successful churches (all still going strong), of the ministries I help launch and grow… REGRET that I internally failed them all – because no-one knows my secret desires and sins.
Wonderful Moments: Wedding day, both kids Birth-days, both grand kids birth days, our 25th anniversary party (with 100 friends) – getting out of $500,000 of debt after the crash.
Starting this company, scared to death.
WOW lots of heavy emotions – I need to “feel” this deep more often…

NOW, begin to fantasize about going to my favorite AMP. In my mind, I’m carving out the excuse to have a hole in my schedule – (i.e. sales call, client or municipal visit, or just lunch) – withdrawing cash from ATM on my way… My mind is excited, my fantasy of getting her to strip beyond what’s allowed is working and I’m actually FEELING happy and a little fuzzy inside as the thoughts begin to materialize into something real.
BREAKS – stop, think of something else, change my direction, avoid the bank, drive back to the office or home, or where ever just not near the AMP…

Both frustrated, because I can (I have the time, the money) But happy with myself for the decision to stick to recovery. Not sure I be this successful every time I put myself through this exercise – I need to consistently, 100%, get used to the STOP & turn. Focusing on the proud reward side of the feelings.

B. In assessing your own anxiety, describe the extremes of your personal experiences with anxiety. What has been the least anxious state you have experienced and the most extreme anxious state you have experienced?

Least Anxious – all the HAPPY memories, wedding day, birth of kids & grandkids
Most Anxious - ?? Day wife found out about affair, the first time I got an STD test…

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2018 4:18 pm 
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LESSON 30 highlights to keep here:

Before going any further, take a few moments to determine whether or not your current decision-making process is emotion-based or value based. Almost always, when it comes to compulsive behavior, you will see that it is emotion-based. The anxiety, the stress, the anticipation, the ache — all of those feelings you experience prior to compulsively acting out — they are all based on your current emotional state.

just understanding the difference between emotion-based and value-based decisions should trigger the beginning of a powerful change in the way that you perceive your role in managing your behavior.

And so that we are clear, the "behavior" can be fantasy, masturbation, pursuing a romantic interest, stalking, smoking, drinking, gambling, eating or any other action that has the ability to alter one's emotions (which can be just about any behavior imaginable — given the right circumstances). Such stimuli/behavior elicit immediate emotional reactions that can overwhelm a person's value system and, over a sustained period, progressively destroy those values altogether.

You are learning to alter your pattern of behavior from immediate gratification, behavior-based reactions, to value-based emotions that produce long-term stability. The ironic part of this relearning process is that eventually, you will actually experience more "immediate gratification" by not acting out, than you did by acting compulsively. This will come as your dependence on your value system grows and you begin to generate more powerful, persistent emotions. But, such a state is a skill that needs to be learned. And learning such a skill takes practice. It can't just be intellectualized; it must be performed.

Each value that you do possess (and many that you have lost touch with) began their development in your childhood. In healthy people, childhood values are acknowledged and nurtured by those who are closest to them. Their values are validated and respected. Further, they are often discussed and additional information is provided to help further the development of those values. In those who develop addictions, these values often become violated and stunted. But, they are not destroyed. All values can be rebuilt...and in long-term addiction recovery, this is a necessity.

Our reality includes the ability to feel, thankfully, and with this ability comes the responsibility for understanding and managing those feelings. You can manage them through behaviors (like masturbation, eating or alcohol) or through values. The choice — and it is a choice — will always be up to you.


Lesson 30 Exercise:

For the rest of today and all of tomorrow, focus on one specific developmental skill: deepening your awareness of the connection between your emotions and your values. Like a student studying for a midterm, concentrate on how your emotions influence your actions; how your values influence your decisions; how your emotions influence your values, etc. Don't do this from memory...anyone can do that. Take tomorrow to assess your emotions/values as if you were in a laboratory. There is no need to write down your observations anywhere. Simply do it.

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2018 9:49 am 
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Lesson 31 Exercise:

In learning to effectively manage your life (e.g. maintain relative emotional balance), it is important to develop an ongoing awareness of where the majority of your energy is being exhausted and where it is being derived. In your Personal Recovery Thread:

A. Make a list of all identifiable stressors that have affected your emotional health over the past week. For each, document whether it is a mild, moderate, severe or extreme stressor. Example: 1) Facing Possible Divorce: extreme; 2) Lost respect among friends and family: moderate

B. Return to your values list created earlier in the workshop. In a healthy life, the majority of energy being drained (e.g. stress) should be related to the pursuit of your highest prioritized values (top fifteen or so). Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the way that you are expending your energy?

C. Likewise, in a healthy life, the majority of meaning and stimulation that you gain should also be related to your highest values. Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the quality of life you are living?

A. List of Past Week Stress:
Financial needs for work – ($20k debt, Payroll $18k) – extreme
Ryan (permit comments) Lang (permit comments) Reveal (comments) – extreme
Disney Trip expenses – moderate
Major Bills this week – Mortgage, HOA, payroll, etc – moderate
Text from (past) escort to my personal phone - moderate
Multiple meetings & not sufficient time to work – mild/moderate
Scheduling and finding new work – mild/moderate
Gaining weight (need to drop 6-8lbs) – mild/moderate
Fantasy in-mind (need to end all temptation) – moderate

B. A top 15 values:
Love & Know God
Love & Know my Wife
Love & Involvement with my Kids
Love & Involvement with my grandkids
Value my management of Money
Value my generosity with Money
Value those Men who influence me
Value my employees
Value my Clients & the work we do
Value Honesty
Value Integrity
Value Work Ethic
Value Friends & their respect
Value a physical relationship with my wife
Value my Health & Weight

C. YES – I agree with the statement “the majority of meaning and stimulation that you gain should also be related to your highest values”

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2018 2:43 pm 
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Lesson 32 HIGHLIGHTS:
past
Putting it bluntly, when you have victimized another, you have given up your right to make further decisions regarding what is best for that relationship. Allow yourself to be guided by those who can offer a more stable, objective view: a therapist, a support group, a friend, etc. Then set out to do what you can to strengthen their values. In return, your own will be strengthened as well.

present
ridding yourself of your supply. To this, you must apply absolute honesty, as you are the only one who can know what persons, places, things, times, feelings, etc., stimulate unhealthy sexual feelings.
you must examine the objects that reinforce your addiction. By "objects", I am referring to the people (e.g. prostitutes, dancers, johns, victims); the places (e.g. bars, schools, hotels, parking lots, parks); and the actual objects (e.g. magazines, videos, vibrators, binoculars) which you now control.

Making the decision to remove them-to cut off your supply-should produce an absolutely gut-wrenching anxiety. You should question whether or not it is worth it to give up this sexual empire that you have built. Here is where you can no longer lie to yourself...you must face up to the question, "Do I want to really put this all behind me?"

Learning to feel good about saying no, when your "immediate gratification" self wants to say yes. As your values strengthen, the decision-making process will become easier and you will take even more pride in each opportunity that crosses your path. Until then, dig down as far as you must to force a pass.


Lesson 32 Exercise:

1. Early in the workshop, you created approximately fifteen 'proactive action plans' that were intended to list specific steps to take to strengthen certain values that are important to you. Return to these action plans and for each, review your progress. Summarize your progress on your recovery thread.
2. Update your Proactive Action Plans as needed. (from lesson 6)

Knowing God:
➢ Meet Him every morning
➢ Read Bible Through, making notes (6+ days/wk)
➢ Journal – prayers & lessons (6+ days/wk)
➢ Read a (self-help) Christian book/month
➢ Meet with TJ monthly for accountability
➢ Attend Church (1+/week)
➢ Listen to Rick Warren (radio 4+ days/wk)
➢ Take Prayer walks early in the morning (2+ days/wk)
➢ Memorize the books of the bible in order
➢ Memorize one-verse from each book (over 2-yeas)
➢ Meet with Son(s) 1x month for accountability
➢ Counsel couples with wife
➢ Continue book studies with wife
Knowing my Wife:
➢ Have breakfast together every day
➢ Have dinner together 6+ days/wk
➢ Have a weekly DATE NIGHT
➢ Preselect topics to discuss on date night
➢ Take wife on a monthly over-night date
➢ Do book studies together
➢ Pray together
➢ Ask her for honey-do-list items & complete
➢ Give her daily complements
➢ Write her notes & give random cards
➢ Give her random gifts & flowers for no reason
➢ Understand her love-language is TIME & GIFTS
➢ Share with her my “fails” and let her help
➢ Develop a sexual relationship
➢ Schedule intimacy & plan for it
➢ Discover what she needs and meet it
➢ Openly share what I need
➢ Make a list of her priorities and know them
➢ Make use of a calendar to accomplish more
Transparent:
➢ Be willing to share truth when asked
Intimate Family Relationships:
➢ Son & Daughter-in-law
➢ Daughter & Son-in-law
➢ Grandkids
Healthy Friend Relationships:
➢ Find a Close Friend (one I can share everything with)
➢ Deepen my friendship with TJ, Keith, Andy,

_________________
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BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2018 7:53 am 
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Lesson 33 Exercise:

1. While you have no doubt already deepened the awareness of your emotions...you now want to begin the process of mastering them. You want to make it a goal of yours to turn what was once a debilitating fault into one of your greatest strengths. That can't be done by reading. It must be developed in your day-to-day life. And so, that is your assignment. To take this next week to seek out opportunities to deepen an awareness of your emotions — both as they occur and as they can be anticipated. Each day, find at least five opportunities to assess your emotions. Don't do this retroactively...as in, you are about to go to bed and so, you review the day's activities and how you felt about them...this must be done in the here and now.
Additionally, add a few opportunities for developing this awareness by anticipating, role playing common rituals surrounding your past behavior. Or possible future behavior. Consider your emotions at the height of a compulsive urge. On the death of a loved one. On the experience of a child's birth. Think of the extremes.
The insights you are searching for throughout this exercise will be in relation to the finite qualities of emotion; the lack of fear/anxiety that comes with developing confidence in being able to anticipate emotional intensity; and the confidence that comes with the same.

2. Each day over the next three, share a few insights relating to these topics in your personal thread. Insights that you have gained from that particular day's focus.

3. At the end of the week, assess the level of effort you put into this task. Did you remember to consciously seek out such developmental opportunities each of the seven days? Post your assessment in your thread.


Monday – compulsive urge emotion (anxiety? fear? worry? Uuuggghhh?)
Monday – Dentist, emotions in the moment, anxious – relax, pain, etc…
Monday - WORK – Behind (Anxious to the point of a compulsive behavior)

Tuesday – deep deep deep love, caring, compassion, heart-felt love for wife
Tuesday – Project Review Meeting (Anxious, panic, reacted with new hire??)
Tuesday – Happy, fun, out to dinner

Wednesday – Anxiety, old pattern looking online (bored) – (compulsive act)
Wednesday – work stress is overwhelming too often (anxious again)
Wednesday – home with wife (odd, not in-the-moment with her, thinking of my compulsive fail today)

Thursday – relaxed, no care sitting in coffee shop (designing a project)
Thursday – Anxious, bored, frustrated at my production… NEED TO FOCUS better
Thursday – feeling OK, maybe I can be 100% free (hopeful, expectant)

Friday – long long prayer walk – communicating with God my desire to not be tempted anymore, mostly angry frustrated disappointed in me
Friday – Anxious at work, behind at work, giving in to viewing only (no action except the calming effect that the visual has)

Successful in-that I spent time thinking about my emotions while in-my emotions, maybe not so successful in-that I mostly felt like I could not control or adjust those emotions, I let them lead (rather that take the time to “force a change to letting value adjust how I felt…) I have a LONG way to go here.

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2018 3:24 pm 
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Lesson 34 Exercise:

Immediate gratification plays the primary role in the lives of most people who struggle with addiction. In your Personal Recovery Thread, share the following:

A. Describe a time in your life when the "Immediate Gratification" principle has come into play:
Many times, when all alone (no accountability) if I had the urge within to experience the relaxing-high of orgasm, I would set up my computer, relax nude and find several video (porn) sites that I would watch and masturbate to.

C. As best as you can, describe the feeling that you experience while you are engaging in a certain compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Is it a trance-like feeling? Is it a hyper-alert feeling? If someone could get inside your mind as you were experiencing such a ritual, what would they find?
I am relaxed, I am feeling excited, I enjoy new and creative scenes, I search for images that excite me more than previous (a new high) – I am hyper-alert, if someone pulled in the drive-way I’d be prepared to exit and act-cool, But mostly I took advantage when I knew I had no-chance of interference. They would find a focused energy in getting the high I was seeking.

D. Share these insights in your recovery thread. (see above)

_________________
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BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2018 3:36 pm 
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Posts: 55
Lesson 34 reading...

This lesson was one of the BEST reading assignments to-date.
Much of what was said made sense. I couldn't help but look back at my developmental life and analyze what went wrong, what the in-complete issues could be. (while i have several hypothesis’s that I’ll reserve for a later lesson) I started realizing how much of my past makes sense. - I will share more in my Recovery Thread when we reach that stage...

Two favorite quotes are:

“Once you fully comprehend the role that emotional management plays in your life, the actual "recovery" from the behavioral compulsions becomes little more than a game of connect the dots. The transition plan will be there, the skills will be there, the experience will be there...and then it will then come down to whether or not you really want to change. And that is something that you can only answer for yourself.”

I love this quote – it is the HOPE that I felt this program would give me (and I know, that I know, I really want to change)

“Forgive yourself for making poor choices. Forgive yourself for acting in ways that, if you had it to do over again, you wouldn't. Forgive yourself for not committing to recovery sooner. Forgive yourself for not developing into the perfect person. Then, when you have begun to experience this forgiveness, allow yourself to begin moving forward with strength and respect”

I love this quote – I am hardest on myself, I have demanded only 100% success and never let myself fail – thus I was “stuck” if I failed, I just gave up and let addiction take over, - But I fully understand the principle of a process, I get it and have forgiven myself as outlined here. I now see failure as a learning tool and experience to gain-from through the process and and the ONLY FAILURE would be giving up completely. This full lesson was huge and very timely placed in my journey to Being made new…!.

_________________
>>>
BMN

Proverbs 28:13
Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.


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