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PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 7:39 am 
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a few days ago I posted this in the community forum

Quote:
I / we may never totally make sense of what I was doing


I relate to this totally
the fact is that there was no sense to what I was doing
what did I get out of it?
momentary high that constantly needed feeding further
what else guilt and shame in abundance

so how can that make sense


I now remind myself that although my actions make no sense I cannot nor should not deny them
I cannot simply dismiss the consequences of what I did
I own my past and accept my guilt and shame
I have learned from my actions and am a better happier healthier person for it

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Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2017 10:19 am 
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A reminder to myself a quote from THE Coach - Jon
Quote:
What is Sexual Addiction?
Sexual Addiction is one of the most frequently misunderstood terms in behavioral health. To understand what sexual addiction is, let us first examine what it is not. Sexual Addiction is not a disease--by AMA standards. It is not an excuse for having marital affairs, nor is it a defense in criminal proceedings involving sexual behavior. It is neither rare, nor incurable. Sexual addiction is not found in the majority of rapists and stalkers. The vast majority of sexual addicts are no more likely to engage in child molestation or rape than a randomly-selected stranger. In fact, many times, the sexual addict is actually less likely to engage in such behaviors due to their skewed value system. So then, what is sexual addiction?

Sexual addiction is nothing more than a continuing pattern of unwanted compulsive sexual behavior that has had a negative impact on an individual's personal, social and/or economic standing. Let's break the most important parts of that sentence down:

"A Continuing Pattern" An occasional session of masturbation, a single affair, even a past series of date rapes do not constitute a continuing pattern. Sexual addiction is defined by an ongoing series of sexual behaviors, including the preoccupation with and the planning of those behaviors. Usually, these patterns become more and more ritualized, and this ritualization often serves as a measuring stick for the extent of their addiction.

"Unwanted" If someone is engaged in sexual behavior of their choosing, even when this behavior brings about significant negative consequences, this does not, in and of itself, warrant a definition of addiction. To be addicted, the person in question must have, at some point, felt the desire to stop (even if that desire no longer exists).

"Compulsive Sexual Behavior" The key to this phrase is the term "sexual behavior"--which should be interpreted loosely. Sexual behavior involves ANY type of sexual behavior--including sexual preoccupation, rumination and fantasy. Someone who can't stop thinking about sex can incur consequences that are just as significant as someone actually engaged in the behaviors themselves. The overwhelming majority of compulsive sexual behavior comes from "victimless" behavior--masturbation, prostitution, pornography, promiscuity. This, however, should never be misconstrued to think that the addiction isn't as severe, or as potentially devastating as those involving the more rare behaviors such as rape, stalking and molestation.

"Negative Impact" Add to this self-explanatory phrase, "or the potential for a negative impact--should the behavior(s) be discovered."

"Personal, Social or Economic Standing" What constitutes "negative impact"? Just about anything can have a negative impact on a person's life. Most often, sexual addiction negatively impacts people in the following ways:
Personal: Negative feelings frequently are exhibited through guilt and shame, low self-esteem, depression, thoughts of suicide and/or self-mutilation. Frequently, the dependence on other targets such as drugs and alcohol or gambling stem from the same addictive processes that trigger the sexual behavior. One's self-identity becomes distorted, either through delusions of sexual grandeur or through self-loathing. Both can be devastating to maintaining balance and satisfaction in one's life.

Social: Existing interpersonal relationships become strained or destroyed. The need for secrecy inhibits the development of intimacy, especially with long-term romantic partners, friends and family. Over time, few new long-term relationships are built as the longer the addiction progresses, the more social interactions become either an active part of the addiction, or a means of distraction.

Economic: Often, the discovery of one's involvement in socially deviant and/or criminal behavior can have a devastating effect on one's career. Overtly, behaviors such as sexual harassment, an arrest for statutory rape, a child molestation conviction can mean not only the immediate loss of employment, but the exclusion of certain types of careers. Subtly, even constant ruminations and fantasies can keep people from reaching their full professional potential. The noted exception to this is the dual sexual addict/workaholic--who tends to excel in just about all areas professionally.
More important than the definition of sexual addiction, is the personal definition of a "sexual addict". How do you know if someone is a sexual addict? What does it mean to be a sexual addict? Is there anything that can be done, once the diagnosis of "sexual addict" is made? When trying to define whether or not someone is a sexual addict, keep this in mind: it doesn't matter. If someone is displaying sexual behavior that is for some reason or another having a negative impact on your life (or theirs), then something needs to be done. No matter if that behavior meets the definition of "addiction"; no matter if the person meets the criteria for "an addict". Nobody ever recovers from a label, they recover from their reliance on an unhealthy pattern of thoughts and behaviors.All it means to be a sexual addict is that an individual is currently displaying a pattern of compulsive sexual behavior that is having a negative impact on their life. They still have the same types of sincere feelings, good thoughts and emotional quirks that are a part of us all. In a nutshell, they have learned to use sexual behavior to manage their emotions (temporarily). Just as others sometimes balance their emotions with food, or cigarettes, or spending, or alcohol, sexual addicts use sexual thoughts and behavior to manage theirs.

Unfortunately, like other addictions, this type of stress management is quite effective for immediate relief, but the negative impact that is felt later tends to only increase the stress that they feel. Thus, the need for even more "stress management". It's a vicious cycle that at some point gets completely out of hand and the person eventually loses touch with society's values and begins to depend on sexual behavior to regulate feelings. This is one reason why it is so important to get this person into a recovery program that includes an emphasis on personal and social values. Without it, recovery will just be a matter of replacing one unhealthy behavior pattern with another. That is a dangerous and destructive proposition.


_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 10:59 am 
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pulled today from Shireoak's thread
Quote:
Your goal in recovery is not to learn to manage addiction, it is to learn to manage your life


so succinct and very very true
thanks my friend

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 6:37 am 
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Forgiveness
From the web
Quote:
Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.[1][2] Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), forgetting (removing awareness of the offense from consciousness), pardoning (granted for an acknowledged offense by a representative of society, such as a judge), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship).[1]


My ex told me this week that she will never forgive me for what I did to her, she will carry that pain to her grave
This shocked me
We still have a relationship not as it was, but a relationship nonetheless
That gives me happiness and contentment but what does it give her
I carry and own my guilt and will do so for the rest of my life so why should she see it differently
Why did this statement shock me, perhaps I need to ask on the community forum after my further self-analysis

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2017 4:17 am 
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Quote:
My ex told me this week that she will never forgive me for what I did to her, she will carry that pain to her grave
This shocked me

Why did this statement shock me, my further self-analysis


Forgiveness is totally down to the individual
I have forgiven myself for what I did to myself but I have not forgiven myself for what I did to her
Christianity preaches forgiveness
but also obedience
Sex was almost a Gods to me.
My penis an idol.
I murdered my ex wife's dream.
I committed adultery.
I stole her happiness and love
I coveted the bodies of women .

OK I have not been to a brothel, exhibited or had sex with another for almost 8 years
I have not masturbated for circa 6 years
I have not scanned for 4 to 5 years ( that was the hardest part of addiction to deal with)
But I did lie by telling her "what she wanted to hear" upto about 4 years ago, that I believe is the biggest crime and that caused the most pain, hence the no forgiveness

Thus the shock was my naivety

Kenzo get real get used to it, you are not the victim

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 13, 2017 2:47 pm 
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A note to Kenzo

This community supports
we try to guide, lift, cajole, sympathise et al as and when required

however
Shortly after my own D day my ex found an on-line forum where she corresponded with others trying to get past the shock and pain of their own D days
Three of these ladies helped my ex beyond whatever could be dreamed about
They became friends and met even though they lived in different countries
Today they remain friends and correspond regularly

This week , after circa 9 years one of these ladies discovered that her partner has completely relapsed and as expected she is broken and distraught

The others are pulling together to support her,

Her pain has of course spread like disease thro their quartet
and even thro me

I have not met nor spoken to the man in question and know that he is not here on RN
The ethos of RN is to support, but truthfully I could not bring myself to do so
Thus I remind myself that addiction is what it is
except more so when it is personal

Sorry for the rant but right now I am angry

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 8:59 am 
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Well it looks like I have f***ed it up

My ex wife and I were building a renewed relationship
I even had visions of re marrying and living happily ever after
we were on a city break in Italy when she believed that she saw me scanning
"why did you look at her?"

I saw a young woman but did not scan her
however because I did not want to admit that I could have been guilty of doing so
I lied
All hell broke loose
words like
you are back in your dark place
our relationship really ended on D day
there is nothing left between us
I doubt that you are serious about your recovery

provoked my reaction of anger and childishness

I know that I have recovered
why will she not believe me and believe in me
because I was a t**t

I told her that I promised years ago that I would never hurt her or put her at risk again
I have kept that promise and said that the best way to protect her is to stop our relationship altogether

on reading this over I feel that it comes over as if I am feeling sorry for myself
looking for sympathy
shedding the blame
I am not
I write this as a reminder to myself and to anyone that reads this

honesty and truth are sacra cent

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2017 6:47 am 
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OK I have admitted to her that I lied
but of course she already knew that
She simply cannot and indeed should not accept a lie
so why did I lie?
I could claim to protect her to keep my promise that I would not ever hurt her again
but this would be another lie
the truth is I lied because I am selfish and wanted to protect myself from the confrontation that would follow
so I actually fuelled the fire that I thought I was avoiding

now why did I look?
There is an old saying that you can look but dont touch
I cannot buy into that, why?
because looking when with a partner humiliates her
looking when she is not there or not aware is dishonest / deceitful
Looking need not be sexual looking not be scanning
but how would she know
sex addicts are / have been habitual liars, my lie demonstrates that to a Tee
so she would believe the worst because she expects that

I now need to analyse and determine why did I look am I sure I was not scanning? :pe:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 25, 2017 6:23 am 
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am I sure I was not scanning?


words from someone so much wiser and perceptive than I
Quote:
Scanning is in essence a compulsive, ritualized "looking around" at people, where those people become objectified and are used for your own selfish emotional gratification needs. Usually, scanning is somewhat tied with fantasy, whereas the people being scanned are objectified and either fantasized about in that moment, or "stored" in memory for later. As you noted, this is usually done to temporarily escape stress, boredom, loneliness, etc. in the immediate moment.

What's important to recognize (as you seem to) is that scanning is much different from simply noticing that someone is attractive. There is objectification in the process, and it is ritualized, meaning it follows an ingrained pattern, whereas you seem to be on autopilot, where each person you see give you a little intense blip of excitement/emotional stimulation...but hopefully you can see here how you are not seeing them as people, but objects. It is important when you are going through this process not to vilify attraction, but rather understand it and separate what is clearly unhealthy from what is healthy...and understand how different it really is from scanning. There is nothing wrong with seeing someone as attractive.


Sexual objectification is the viewing of people solely as de-personalised objects of desire instead of as individuals with complex personalities and desires/plans of their own. This is done by speaking/thinking of women especially as only their bodies, either the whole body, or as fetishised body parts.



I am sure
it was not sexual
however I did lie and try to cover it up

that was my sin

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 27, 2017 6:46 am 
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so why did I look?

simply bloody habit
is habit and addiction the same or at least similar thing?
no in addiction I believe that we believe that we have no choice
we need to satisfy the urge, it is bigger than anything else
habit, we know that we can and indeed do choose,
an example
it could be habitual to have a glass of wine or a beer with your evening meal
in addiction the need to increase the volume prevails as does the stress of withdrawal if the alcohol is not available

how many casual smokers run out of cigarettes?
compare that with the smoker who always has at least one spare usually open pack "just in case"

habits are easy to break
addiction as we know is not
until that is we actually do realise that we DO have that CHOICE
Kenzo keep on choosing wisely

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2017 8:30 am 
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"why did you f*** it up"


"we were doing OK and living a good life"

These are the words my ex said to me a couple of days ago
my response "we still could"
her retort
Quote:
what and wait for the next lie


my point in posting this is to remind me and anyone who reads this
is that honesty is not negotiable if a relationship is to work
it cannot be selective
one cannot be partially pregnant either we are honest or we are not
the choice is ours to make and the consequence of that choice needs to be accepted

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 13, 2017 7:32 pm 
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Well Well
My D day anniversary was last week and I forgot all about it

I have always said that D day was the best "worst" day of my life and now I missed its anniversary
I take that as an indication that it is not that important?
yes it started the process of opening my eyes but I still lied
I still protected my addiction
I still was in denial

my point in posting is to remind myself and others that may read this thread
it is what you do going forwards that is important even critical

I re read my first post posted circa 5 months after D day

Quote:
My Addiction?
Synopsis
I have been using paid prostitutes for nearly 30 years
I always use a different girl and always, except the last two times, use the same procedure
this procedure is the selection of a girl and I select right across the spectrum of age looks etc
My procedure is a back rub with small talk anticipating the turn over,
The biggest kick I get is when I turn over and exhibit myself, still not ever sexually aroused. Then I watch the girl watching me starting to and then becoming erect as she masturbates me
I get some physical pleasure from this but more mental pleasure i.e. the vision of the girl whether she is naked or not watching her hand on my penis plus the ejaculation
I then need to decide whether I want the sex or not if I take it, it is always in the missionary position with a condom with no kissing and cuddles or breast sucking etc
if I feel that I am enjoying the masturbation then I take this to completion but if I am not enjoying it or feel the girl is not interested in watching and touching my erect penis then I opt for the sex
I have thought that in doing so I am hiding my penis from sight
I am not well endowed when flaccid but feel much more adequate when erect and I also consider my self as an exhibitionist
I use prostitutes about 4 to 6 times a year, but if I go to a brothel after say 4 months and leave without engaging a prostitute then I don't feel the urge to return in any immediate future
I always feel guilty and ashamed, degraded, disgusted and angry when I have used a prostitute
I am in a longtime loving sexually satisfying relationship but I also Lust after women in the public places
I feel that I could be sub consciously be selecting images of girls that I would select and it could be that when this reaches a certain level that I need to expose myself and get sexual release from a stranger ( a prostitute)
Finally I am a compulsive masturbator , who has increased in frequency over around the last 1 to 2 years
I never masturbate thinking of any other than my wife and actual memorable lovemaking instances
I cannot recall any sexual trauma in my childhood but I do know that my life has been dominated by females and I have no problem with that, indeed it is my preference Masturbation has become almost a ritual and is triggered by the habit and time
Another trigger is my desire to be and see and be seen whilst erect

The Exhibitionism triggers are opportunity and possibly again the feeling that I need to be seen whilst erect and by a different woman each time

The Lusting after women could be triggered by me unconsciously training myself to select the right girls for my visits to the brothel

The Prostitution is triggered by time / opportunity possibly stress with the need to show myself to a stranger because I have "collected " images of innocent objects (victims) in my head, I have allowed these practices to ruin my life but I will not allow them to become my life
I need to and will break this circle of destruction
I mentioned the last two visits to a prostitute these were only 3 weeks apart and the second to last was the first time that the sex had not been in missionary, it was also the first time that I enjoyed the sex although I still suffered with the usual after effect feelings
the last time was me going for anal sex but settling for vaginal sex
the prostitute degraded and abused me by pushing a finger(s) into my anus
my activity had increased in frequency and risk.



it almost seems to read to me as I was a victim and addiction was my badge of value

how could I have been so wrong?
I will reflect on my changes in the interim and thank the discovery of THE COACHE'S {JON}
wisdom and charity
I got my freedom my life my dignity through his perception and all for free

A donation is well overdue

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 19, 2017 7:25 pm 
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Kenzo
at the start of this year you posted

Quote:
my reasons for wanting change were

Quote:
I want to be happy
I want to be free of guilt
I never want to have to lie again
I want to feel self respect
I want to be respected
I want to see all people as people not objects
I want to live life and have fun openly
I dont want secrets
I dont want to risk my health nor my freedom
I want to have sex only with love
I want to give more than I receive
I want to know that I am not hurting myself or others
I want to be able to talk openly about and be comfortable with my sexuality
I want to think in the way that healthy people think
I dont want ever to have to make excuses for myself
I want to be clean not dirty and disgusting
I dont want to offend
I want to set a good example
I want to be free of the shame that I carry
I want to be in recovery not in abstinence


with two exceptions

Quote:
I want to be free of guilt
I want to be free of the shame that I carry

I have achieved these goals and as I sit here today I do not want to lose my guilt or shame, I simply want to own them and use them as positives



thinking now these could be summarised by the stupid statement from BREXIT
I wanted to take back control
what BS
I was always in control
I chose to MB
Exhibit
Visit Brothels
Scan
I always had the choice
I could say I did not know that I had that choice but would that be the truth
I chose what we all call a coping mechanism
was I coping ?
the answer is obvious
NO

Now I am more than coping
I am living
please do learn from my mistakes
or not
CHOOSE wisely but do CHOOSE

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 12:36 pm 
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Last night I watched a film and noted down one particular line
Quote:
There is no better present than the time

I relate this to recovery
RN guided me and allowed me to have my time in health and in happiness
in recovey
and that was a gift to be cherished beyond all else
I know that we cannot turn back time otherwise for sure I would
the time and (money/ nerves/guilt etc) lost whoring, masturbating etal
I regret the way that I lived most of my life but I accept the responsibility for it and take ownership of my past
I accept responsibility and with it embrace accountability for the past present and future

so I now take the time to remind myself of my absolute boundaries

I will tell the whole truth and ensure I have done or thought or sought nothing that shames ME

I will not hurt any person with whom I have any kind of relationship

I will not undertake any instant immediate gratification without ensuring that it would not affect my continuation into recovery

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 29, 2017 12:52 pm 
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I was talking today with my ex regarding my addiction my actions and the pain they caused

I now have no problem in doing this even though when talking I feel guilt and shame
why ?
because I am guilty and ashamed of who I was and the things that I destroyed, all by my own choice

during the conversation she asked "what were you looking for, the f*** of a lifetime?

I then I explained what we all discover during our journey of recovery
I was not looking for anything, quite the contrary
I was hiding
hiding from myself, from life, from failure , from insecurity ....................... et al
does she understand or accept this
I expect not
but that is the fact, not excuse nor justification, simply the simple yet complex truth

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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