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PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2019 12:18 am 

Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2013 10:59 pm
Posts: 76
Location: East coast
Boy, I've been feeling really stupid since the first weekend in February! Logically, I know.....but feelings are not logical!

You all were so supportive back in I experienced Dday and the deterioration of my marriage! And the knowledge I gained through the lessons here have been invaluable! Once I left, moved to another state, and the divorce was granted, I was finally able regain my normal equilibrium, my real me....oh, it took quite a while for that to happen but it did. And, kinda surprisingly to me, all 3 boys are living either with me or within 20 min of me in the new state.. As it turns out though, I was unrealistic in thinking the damage done was over...HELL NO,!!!

The first weekend in February, I got the call at 3am that my youngest son was actively trying to commit suicide while on a ski trip with friends in another state 8 hrs away. That, in and of itself, was devestating! Unfortunately, he's the 2nd of my three sons to want to kill himself! He's 22, but his older brother (will be 24 on Sunday) wanted to kill himself at the age of 10!!!!! I've been on suicide watch numerous times over the last 14 years with him although he's never actually attempted....

One child with depression who has had thoughts but never tried....ok....I guess I could kinda accept that.... But 2???? Of 3? With 1 actually actively attempting??? NO!!! No, I don't believe it.....well obviously I have to believe it's true! What I don't believe is that it's "mental illness" as a cause!!!

Since February, I think I've pieced together what appears to be a very ugly scenario....

I've known for years (but never understood) that all 3 boys have significant portions of their childhood blocked out!

My 22 year old explicitly stated less than 15 hours after his attempt that he was very angry at his dad for teaching him how to repress his feelings. Then a couple weeks later mentioned how he and the other 2 were terrified if their dad showed his beet-red angry face....I never saw that beet-red angry face until January 2012...and we had been married since 1993! His dad is SA but the boys did not know until June 2012...5 mo after I found out...

There are many other bits and pieces that are seeming to fall in place, painting a very ugly picture... But, I have no proof, and may never get proof of my ugly suspicions....

Based only on what I have stated I out of line??

My 22 year old is now in counseling which is good, but I am also very, very afraid of what may be revealed...

Two out of three??? Am I justified in worrying about the third????

How do I help my boys???

PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2019 4:11 am 

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 163
Definitely councelling. I realised the damage was over a longer period than I supposed, and was deeper and more insideuos than I thought. I have come to think my husbands issues are deeper than sa. That being just the outlet, symptom of his problems, which on readi g up on abuse etc, I believe fit more with narcissistic abuse,
My councellor asked me if my husband may have caused my daughters selective mutism, and I can see it may have,
She picks up on the behaviours of my husband, dismissive, invalidating, passive aggression, and random temper tantrums.. Very damaging to a child's self worth and I feel this has made my daughter scared to air opinions or show emotion etc.

PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2019 7:22 am 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 668
Oh, aphi. Oh, mercy. I am so sorry. How scary and traumatic. I send you my virtual embrace.

You are helping your sons by being there now. By listening to them. By loving them. By being a safe parent. So they must get counseling and perhaps medication.

I hear the fear in you of what their father might have done in terms of abuse. They have already told you they felt victimized by his emotional abuse (both his anger and unavailability, and his denial of their emotional truth). There may be more, there may not be more. Gently, this is terrifying but my gut tells me they need you not to be afraid. Or they need to have you be strong and loving in the face of that fear. That is hard. And you have already shown you do that when you divorced your ex husband and re-found yourself. You are strong and loving, but this is traumatizing. Have you considered returning to counseling for yourself so you can get support for this new trauma? I find being a good parent to an adult child is challenging. They need to take responsibility for their lives and are conflicted about wanting me to swoop in and at the same time resenting if I do. I get that.

With good counseling and support, there is hope for your sons to recover from their struggle. Keep posting here if it helps. One of my stepdaughters attempted suicide and got on anti-depressants and went through counseling. It's been over 25 years since her attempt and she is not suicidal now. She did learn that she could not get off her medication. I'm so relieved that she continues on her anti-depressants and is aware that she must stay on them. In her case, I don't think she really dug into the issues of the emotional neglect of her addicted father, my husband. But she is doing well in her life.


PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2019 1:18 pm 

Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2013 10:59 pm
Posts: 76
Location: East coast
Dnell and Jenny,
I am back in counseling. That's the first thing I did within 2 days of getting my 22 year old back home safe! and I have set up a very selective network of support for myself.

As each little piece is revealed, I go into another round of flashbacks and I feel like I need to hide that from the boys in order to be that stable foundation, a loving, strong person in the face of their fears and my own! Many times, I don't think the twins realize the significance of what they reveal. The youngest, on the other hand, is leap years ahead of the other 2... I think he will have the courage to do that deep digging! But, that's also part of my fear...if the youngest does get to a point where he reveals, what will happen with the other 2 who seem to be very unprepared to dig deep? Esp the one who has already been in counseling for 14 years and has not started digging yet...

As I have researched repressed memories, it appears that repression is very indicative of severe abuse with the consensus seeming to be that digging that deep may do more harm than good....I am not really sure I agree with that last part. But regardless, for so many reasons, I cannot be the one to guide any of them in whatever digging they are willing to do so would jeapordize the validity of their revelations and limit their choices...

And, yes, Jenny, I have to agree with your assessment that the SA is the outlet for those much, much deeper issues that ex has and had long before I ever met him! But that is his problem, not mine! My concern is damage control and healing for me and the boys!

Oh, what a complex tangle!

Be well, ladies, and thank you!

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