Fantasies are something that we all experience. They are necessary, healthy and can actually promote personal growth and facilitate learning. In addiction, they are the truest form of "instant gratification" and tend to expand into many other areas of a person's life (e.g. business, family, future). Fantasies allow a person to change their mood, balance stress, experience success...all with nothing more than the thoughts they have in their mind. The difficulty with too much fantasizing is that the differences in reality and fantasy are often great. Such a contrast often creates an emotional imbalance when comparing the two...and by now, we know where emotional imbalances lead. To further acting out.
In the context of this workshop, fantasies will be considered those sexual/romantic thought patterns that consistently distract you from your daily routine. The range of fantasy spans widely. Some experience it literally hundreds of times each day for just a few seconds each time (as in the case of a man in a shopping mall--with each woman walking by triggering brief sexual images); some experience fantasy as an event ("scheduling" an hour or more to do nothing but fantasize); and still others fantasize as a distraction from mundane work. As you review the behaviors associated with fantasy, look for general patterns that might translate specifically to your experiences--then focus on the boundaries, values and cues that you associate with fantasy. For instance, while Playboy may be used as a trigger for fantasy in one person...a romantic novel may be used in triggering another. Fantasy is your mind's need to escape, at least temporarily, from reality. To experience life in a way that you would not have otherwise. There is nothing wrong with this, until it begins to effect that reality in a negative way.
Obsessions are one of the most difficult obstacles to overcome in recovery and one of the hardest to identify PRIOR to their development. They are the purest form of the "all or nothing principle", as they allow the obsessed person to focus on a single element in its extreme, and tend to process everything associated with the particular element as black and white. This is especially difficult in love addiction, where the target is a particular person with whom a relationship has already developed. Such relationships tend to be extremely chaotic and emotionally exhausting for the target of that obsession. Typically, obsessions allow a person to balance the stress in their lives by focusing on a single (or several) element(s). This makes their lives easier to manage--scratch that--this allows them to perceive that their lives as easier to manage, though they continue to experience the pressure, anger, anxiety and other negative emotions not usually experienced in fantasy.
Obsessions, in a sexual/romantic context, involve the compulsive need to think about certain people, situations and/or behavior. Even if they want to stop (or slow down) these thoughts, they are unable to. Obsessions distract the individual from focusing on a balanced life, and so as the obsession grows, the life becomes more and more out of balance. Relationships are destroyed, other values are lost. The person's reality becomes consumed by one or two major events in their life. Such obsessions may involve pleasure (in the case of "new love" and/or infatuation); they may involve pain (in the case of not being able to trust a partner); or they can even include an obsession with NOT have sex or being in a relationship (e.g. sexual anorexia, preoccupation with maintaining one's virginity).
Romantic Delusions are a rather rare form of both fantasy and obsession. They occur when an individual begins fantasizing about developing a romantic relationship with a particular person and becomes obsessed in the pursuit of that person. The original attraction and associated fantasies become what the individual now considers "reality". He/she believes that the person targeted is the true love of his/her life. Like obsessions, the behavioral pattern becomes a complete focus on the reciprocation of this love, and his/her perception of reality is lost in the process.
Common Patterns Associated with Fantasies, Obsessions and Delusions:
I. Fantasies
II. Obsessions
III. Romantic Delusions
Elements Frequently Associated with:
Fantasy Fantasy (duh!) Accomplishment [when achieving temporary relief from an emotional imbalance (stress/depression, anxiety)] Obsession Fantasy (in creating an unending series of possible scenarios) Suspense (in not knowing how the situation will turn out, what the truth really is, etc.) Power (affords the individual the perception of control over a situation, though this is not an accurate perception as the obsessing often underlines the lack of control that a person has) Romantic Delusions Fantasy (in selecting a target) Power (in not facing initial rejection) Suspense (in not knowing whether or not his/her target will reciprocate his feelings
Fantasy
Obsession
Romantic Delusions
Other Elements Commonly Found in a Ritualistic Chain where Fantasy, Obsession and/or Delusions are the Primary Behavior:
Fantasy Sensory (especially physical/visual) Depending on the fantasy, just about any elements can be included in such chains Orgasm (especially when masturbation is involved) Obsession Accomplishment (when partner caught in a lie; evidence discovered; admission of guilt; when acknowledgment of a romantic gesture is made) Past (when previous partners have cheated and the memories of such create emotions towards a current partner) Romantic Delusions Danger (when stalking, married targets are involved) Accomplishment (when feelings are reciprocated)
Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With:
Fantasy Pornography Stress (especially related to low self-esteem, trauma and/or depression) Boredom Feeling unappreciated, taken for granted Media (TV, songs, books, Internet, etc.) Love Lack of intimacy Visual attraction Social situations/Public places Obsession Conflict (especially as it relates to boundaries involving trust and honesty) Love (especially highly passionate, intense relationships) Affairs (both yours and those discovered/suspected involving your partner) Breakups Low self-esteem Previous obsessive relationships Romantic Delusions Stress (especially related to low self-esteem, trauma and/or depression) Visual attraction; Mental attraction Social situations/public places Media [television/movies (falling in love with an actor/actress through watching an interview, movie); songs (falling in love with a singer because of they way he/she sang a song), Internet (chat rooms, sites with personal stories), newspaper stories with a personal touch, etc.] Poor social comfort zone (Intense shyness)
Boundaries Frequently Violated By:
Fantasy Intimacy Identity Meaning Obsession Autonomy Self-respect Intimacy Identity Love Romantic Delusions Identity Integrity Safety Social Acceptance Order
If you have experienced similar behaviors as described above (or have experienced additional behaviors that were not mentioned, but fall under the category of fantasy, obsession or romantic delusions, please include them in the exercise below.
My History with Fantasy, Obsessions and Romantic Delusions:
Describe your history involving each of these three behaviors. If one or more does not apply to you, there is no need to mention it.
Think for a few minutes, then list your most common triggers for these types of behaviors:
List any concerns, unusual circumstances or uncertainties that you currently have regarding any of these behaviors.
