Lesson 20 exercise
- I remember spending a good bit of time playing outside with friends each day. Just thinking of it now makes me feel so warm inside. I moved rather often because of my moms drug activity but my parents did a great job of hiding it from my younger brother and I. We always made new friends with the local children in the neighborhood. We’d have snowball fights, play childish games and come home to a warm meal cooked up by my mom.
2. Pre-teen years:
- Eventually as I grew up and started to get a better perception of the world and realized that my mom was going from rehab center to rehab center as a crack addict. Sometimes we would stay with her but other times we had to stay with my grandmother or father. I remember beginning to cry and pray for long periods of time through the nights in bed because I just wanted her to get better. I didn’t understand how tough addiction was. I just wanted my mom back. Eventually my behavior in school constantly got me kicked out and expelled from different schools. So I stayed home. It was at this time that I found out about internet porn and online dating sites. I would borrow my dad’s phone most nights and spend many hours talking to women and masturbating to porn.
- Eventually I went to middle school and again moved to a new neighborhood because my mother was out of rehab. During some of the first days there I met a guy who was a little older than me (3-4 years) who one day showed my little brother and I a pornographic DVD and eventually suggested we engage in sex. So we all did and this become an emotionally exhilarating experience for me. This guy became a friend and began to show up often and we would all engage in sex. Eventually as we got older it stopped and I began getting locked up for petty crimes as I was hanging out with a bad mix of people in the inner-city we lived in. While locked up I would masturbate every opportunity I got.
- Roles addiction played in this situation?
- It played a role in helping me to numb myself from my sadness and anger that I felt.
- Played a role in helping me to cover my wound but not fully heal it.
- When I was locked up it helped me with stress relief.
- Helped me to escape from reality
3. Teen Years:
- After my last time getting out of jail we moved again. This time back to my grandma whom was living in North Carolina with My aunt at the time. It was my mom, my bother and I. The moment I came home I was surprised with a new phone and went immediately back to my old habits. Although this time I began meeting up with women. I had my first sexual experience with a women in a matter of months and this was the first and last time I had orgasmed with a women as the delayed ejaculation set in there after. Eventually I would go on to meet many women and the only thing on my mind would be sex. I did not have much care for what they looked liked I just wanted sex at this point. I then began touching the butts of women I barely knew in my high school. I was actually kicked out of an apprenticeship program for it. Eventually I had to move in with a friend and team wrestling coach and was caught masturbating in his sons bed naked by my friend. I didn’t even stop then. I continued to go about it. Lastly, I remember graduating and in my state we all traveled to the beach for a week of partying called “senior week”. I got drunk and had sex with a women I had just met in the bathroom as my friends were talking in another room and she ended up crying. It seemed she regretted her decision. I remember feeling a hint of remorse but then begged her with her to continue going as I eventually finished.
- The role for my addiction here was to help appease my boredom.
- Another role was to use it as a way to combat my emotions.
- Yet another was to combat the shame I felt
- Lastly, it was to feel loved.
- Eventually, I went on to college and kicked it off with having sex with a women I had barely known. I would often masturbate when my roommate was not around. Although at this stage I had more of a social life. One morning he actually caught me as I left the door unlocked he peeked in and noticed but had never mentioned anything about it. I would have sex with women and eventually try to escalate to things they were uncomfortable with or break their hearts. Eventually I transferred schools and the same thing happened except this time no women were involved. I had a better social life but I was still compulsively masturbating on weekends when my roommate would leave to go home for weekends. I began skipping classes and would even masturbate during the day.
- One role was that this helped me to deal with the stress of college
- Another was that it helped me to deal with depression from failing my courses.
5. After college:
- I ended up dropping out of school and living with my grandma. I still had very little knowledge about what porn addiction was. I wasn’t aware of how much I was staying in my room watching porn, of how I gained an extreme amount of anxiety around people. Eventually I began to get into good physical shape as I learned about a plant based diet. I met a women in the gym and fell in love with her just because she had approached me and gave me attention. As I have rarely ever talked to women. She invited me to a party with her family and flirted with a guy while she was drunk. I was not too far away and heard the entire thing but I accepted her back. I couldn’t even gage that it was a red flag at this point. We went on dates and I ended up falling head over heels for this women whom I barely knew. Although I didn’t realize how much anxiety I still had to communicate with her. It was only sometimes when I got high on weed or LSD that we engaged in true conversation. She seemed excited about me in the beginning as she even took me to meet her friends. Eventually I noticed a decline in us hanging out together and that made me a bit emotional and of course porn was there to help. One day during this time period I took a large dose of LSD as I had done a few times before and it gave me a traumatic experience about this addiction. A little while after she broke up with me and for the first time in my life I had experience true heart break by a women. This lead me to an escalation in porn. It wasn’t until I began watching tranny porn after viewing an ad that I began researching about porn addiction. This gave me more shame. I began thinking that I should come out to my family that I was gay. I hung out with a friend who had a very negative girlfriend and I even felt shame about looking at guys on TV at times. She noticed and while in another room would mention to him that I may be gay as I over heard it. She would intentionally bring up gay topics just to watch me get uncomfortable. Eventually I ran into a book about backpacking and this influenced me deeply to travel and see the world so I saved my money, quit my job and booked a trip to Nicaragua. I thought I could run away from my problems. I stayed their for two and a half weeks and didn’t masturbate as I stayed in hostels with other travelers although I began to notice how socially awkward I was while around the other travelers. I had sex with a women from the UK there with no sexual boundaries at all. She made the intention as if she wanted it and we ended up having sex in an old boat on the beach at night. After Nicaragua I reached Guatemala and stayed with a local family while I taught english. Here is where the addiction began too creep back in. I had my own room and my cellphone. I began going straight to tranny porn. Of course I was incredibly awkward around a lot of the family except the son. He and I would smoke weed, drink and goto parties. Eventually I met a girl who was a hippie. She was a drunk whom only wanted me because I was an American and could buy her beers. We went back to a hostel and had sex on the first night of course. That lasted two nights. Eventually I met another women in the bar who instantly became my girlfriend. I would rent a private room in a hostel during the weekends and we would have sex. Eventually the pandemic came and I needed a place to say because the hostel was costing too much and the borders closed. I stayed with her and her two children and I tried to have sex every night I could. When we didn’t have sex I watched tranny porn. I began to sink into a deep depression and had many intrusive thoughts that I am not proud of. Eventually when we had sex I would have to imagine scenes from tranny porn in order to keep an erection. My sensitivity was gone so I would fake moan as she would ride me and try to make me orgasm which I never did. Eventually the boarders opened and I left her for Mexico where I immediately found another women who I would consider a sex addict. The first date we went for coffee then to the woods where I continuously touched her. After that we went back to my hostel and had sex for two or three days in a row I couldn’t feel anything but my erections were back to normal. Eventually I left her for another Mexican state. I contacted the Guatemalan ex-girlfriend and we started a long distance relationship which I remained faithful to for a while but eventually broke it off as I become insecure about the communication patterns she was displaying. I eventually got to a Mexican state called San Luis Potosi where a women who’s dad owned a furniture store begged him to let me have a job. (Her and I would have sex through video many nights before I began traveling. I met her on tinder while she was in America visiting her sister for surgery.) Eventually I began working for him and her and I had sex. She was very overweight but I felt bad because if it were not for here I would not have been able to be there. She eventually tried to go for sex another day but I couldn’t bare doing it again at that point. I eventually made my way back him as I was becoming extremely anxious to socialize with coworkers and everyone else. I started to get serious about quitting this addiction after my 25th birthday and eventually found this workshop. I now notice myself to still be incredibly anxious around people and I would even overhear guys at my last job questioning if I was gay or talking about me being gay because I looked anxiously looked at a penis. I check out women incredibly often and even guys when I have large levels of anxiety. I have a big fear about acting out with a transsexual.
- One role was that it helped me to deal with the anxiety I felt around my family.
- Another was that it helped me to deal with the shame I felt from being isolated
- It helped me to deal with heart break in my relationship
- It caused me depression and anger
- Helped me to satisfy my girlfriend
- It helped me to deal with the stress I felt from hiding it from my ex
- Helped me to deal with loneliness
- Also helped me to deal with my shame from escalating to other categories.
- Plays a role in me beginning to rebuild my life.
- Death of my parents:
- I have not been very close with my parents in all honestly. If they did die at this point it would hurt because of the lack of connection we have. Addiction could play a role in helping me to manage the sadness and guilt that I hold. It would be similar to a warm hug in a time of need. It could also play a role in me neglecting the responsibility that it was me who didn't initiate the conversations. For addiction to come back into my life would make me feel like a failure. Like I failed to uphold to values I created. For me with my current mindset, it would be a rapid collapse. I would feel so much guilt just for allowing it to slip back in that I would end up binging. I would look for signs of me not taking care of my health or picking up habits of drug use. Maybe even habits of me thinking of going back to pornography and rationalizing it in my mind. Lastly, a daily slipping in my disciplines. I would take the actions of looking over my vision, evaluating my goals, and looking into the daily health monitoring.
- Global Pandemic (or event that causes a lot of the world to have to stay indoors):
- This would cause tremendous boredom and/or stress. Addiction could play a role in a false sense of entertainment or running away from the anxiety felt by being in my thoughts. Again I would feel a lot of shame and if I am married maybe anxiety from hiding it from my wife and possibly children. It would again be a rapid collapse due to bingeing once I got back into it. I could look for signs of little productivity, weakness in discipline, and thoughts about viewing pornography. Actions I would take in this situation would be meditation and spiritual practice along with a home exercise, yoga routine also maybe developing a way to spend more time with my family.
- Death of a Partner:
- If a future partner died for me I believe that it would destroy me. Addiction would definitely play a role in helping me just to survive after something like that. If addiction came back into my life at that point it would probably give me a feeling that my life is over. It would definitely be a rapid collapse for me. I would look for signs of depression or hopelessness. I would go to a therapist, listen to spiritual lectures, meditate, and go outside on hikes. If I have children I would spend time with them or contact them to keep my spirits high.
- Death of a child
- This would also be very painful. Addiction would definitely play a role in helping me just to survive. If addiction came back into my life at that point it would probably give me a feeling that my life is over. It would definitely be a rapid collapse for me. I would look for signs of depression or hopelessness. I would go to a therapist, listen to spiritual lectures, meditate, exercise, and go outside on hikes. I would also look to comfort my wife.
- Loss of Job
- Addiction could play a role in releasing me from the stress of feeling like a failure. If addiction came back into my life I would feel like even more of a failure and also have some shame. In this case, it would probably be a subtle progression as this is not trauma and I will go to look for another job. I would look for signs of sadness, depression, anxiety, and shame. I would take actions on mindfulness, daily exercise, looking for another job, and talking with friends, health monitoring, and re-evaluating my values.
- Addiction could play a role in filling in the gaps of my boredom. If addiction came back into my life at this point I would feel depressed and also feel the need to hide it from my wife. It would probably be a subtle progression at this stage at this is not too stressful of an event in my life. I would look for signs of hopelessness, a feeling of failure, extreme isolation, etc. Actions I would take would be setting goals, and getting into activities that align with my values.
- Having another child
- Addiction could play a role in the stress relief of what it takes to take care of a child. If addiction came back into my life at this point I would feel defeated and a lot of anxiety due to all of the stress being experienced from the child and hiding it from my partner. In this case, it would be a rapid collapse because of all the stress. I would look into how I am dealing with my stress and anxiety. Actions I would take would be going back to the health monitoring, looking over my vision and reasons for change, and discussing it with my partner.
- Car accident
- Addiction could play a role in helping me relieve the trauma experienced from the accident. It would not feel too great. Maybe at first, it would give some relief from the trauma. Depending on the severity of the accident it could be either a rapid collapse or subtle progression. I would look for extreme signs of stress. I would take the actions of speaking with my wife, and a therapist, evaluating my health goals and plans and practicing mindfulness.