Recovery Nation

Hi BeautySeeker

Just a quick note to encourage you in your ongoing progress through the workshop. Its great to see that you've still been working through the lessons even at such a busy time of the year. I was really impressed by the depth of your work on lesson 20, and some of the painful memories from your childhood that you shared so honestly. Thankyou for your bravery in doing so, and I hope that it is helping you to share so openly. It certainly feels as if you are gaining some fresh insights along the way, so keep up the good work.

Stay safe.

Tim

Hey Tim,

Thanks for the kind words. I have been working on myself a great deal so that's helped in be able to be a bit more vunerable. I still have work to do though. Hope the holidays are going well for you.

Floyd

Lesson 22 Exercise:
1. Consider a very simple ritual that you have engaged in.
- Masturbating to porn

2. Identify three or four elements of that ritual (e.g. physical sensory stimulation; danger; orgasm; accomplishment).
- Sensory (touch), Sensory (visual), Orgasm

3. For each element, assign a relative number for the amount of stimulation you think you derive from this particular element. These numbers are relevant only to you and in relation to other elements that you experience.
- Sensory (touch) = 2
- Sensory (visual) = 3
- Orgasm = 1

4. For each element, consider the effects of each of the three filters on the stimulation derived from that element. Does it increase the stimulation? Decrease the stimulation? Have no effect? Have a mixed effect (as in, sometimes it increases, other times it decreases)?.
- Sensory (touch)
- Time = slow gradual increase in stimulation; I will give this a '4.'
- Intensity = Find myself squeezing to derive more intensity but no longer adding other behaviors to my rituals; I will give this a '6.'
- Habituation = '3'; This is not a stimulating as it was to begin with.
- Sensory (visual)
- Time = Will give this a '3' as I search and skip to more videos I get closer and close to orgasm
- Intensity = The intensity of the videos varies as I will sometimes feel too ashamed to watch the more aggressive ones. I will give this a '5'
- Habituation = Videos are definitely beginning to get old to me. I give it a '3.'
- Orgasm
- Time = occurs after a lot of effort; it's a '2'
- Intensity = is very stimulating while happening; it's a '6'
- Habituation = no real effect '1'

Lesson 23 Exercise:
- Measuring compulsive behavior allows me to see the different parts of the behavior and how they impact my emotions. This will allow me to break down the sections of each aspect of my behavior so that I take more care to notice my triggers. Next, it will allow me to begin to gauge the emotional stimulation that an element will have on me. This will begin to break me away from the behavior as I will be able to notice the outcome of each of the events on my emotions before they happen. After that, it will show me that I have a sense of control. Being able to break the behavior down and notice how it will affect my emotions will give me more of an ability to decide if I should engage in it or replace it with a behavior that is aligned with my values.

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo

Thanks for your help Kenzo. I have a better picture of this now and know that I should be measuring emotional stimulation most importantly.

Lesson 24 Exercise:
1. Create your own Wheel of Sexual Compulsion that is more closely related to your behavior. This can be done by simply listing the cumulative elements involved in your compulsive behavior. This shouldn't take you more than five minutes. List these elements (associated with no particular ritual — but more your addiction in general) in your recovery thread.
- Sensory (touch)- masturbation
- Danger- ensuring my door is closed
- Suspense- going through porn categories
- Shame- feeling bad as I begin to masturbate again
- Fantasy- fantasizing I am with a pornstar or past sex with ex-girlfriends
- Power- fantasizing about aggressive sex with ex-girlfriends
- Poly addiction- smoking a cigarette or eating junk food after masturbation to porn
- Novelty- Can't remember the last time I completed on video or looked at one photo

2. Choose a real-life example of EVERY major sexual ritual that you engage in (these should be compulsive rituals, not healthy) and break each down into their smallest elements (based on the elements identified in your wheel of sexual compulsion).
- Masturbating to porn
- Feel boredom/loneliness/anxiety
- Think about masturbating to porn
- Immediately feel shame because of fear that this will lead to acting out.
- Make an excuse to myself saying I won't be able to stop anyway
-- Start touching penis
- Make sure the door to the room is closed and Turn on a loud youtube video on the computer so my family will not hear
- Pull up porn on phone (the more anxiety the harsher the porn)
- Apply lotion to my penis
- Begin watching videos or scrolling categories in Reddit.
- Begin masturbating
- Continuously switching categories for novelty
- Eventually find a category to orgasm and complete the orgasm
- Delete evidence of history and clean myself up

- Masturbating to a fantasy of past sex with ex-girlfriends
- Feel boredom/loneliness/anxiety
- begin fantasizing about sex with an ex-girlfriend (fantasy)
- Start touching penis
- Make sure the door to my room is closed and Turn on a loud youtube video on my computer so my family will
not hear
- Apply lotion to my penis
- Begin masturbating to fantasy
- Complete orgasm and clean myself

- Fantasizing about women on the street or in public places
- See women wearing pants, leggings, dresses, jeans, etc.
- Think about if anyone will see me
- Try to resist the urge to look
- Quickly look at women's butt
- Fantasize about doing things with the women
- Often feel shameful after

- Cybersex
- Contact friend who I know will engage in cybersex with me
- Begin touching penis on call
- Ensure my door is closed
- begin making explicit comments to a friend
- Friend shows my body parts
- I apply lotion to my penis
- I masturbate
- Orgasm
- No longer feel like talking to the friend after an orgasm

Lesson 25 Exercise:
Compulsive Ritual: Masturbation to Pornography
1. Thought about masturbating to pornography
2. Felt shame guilt, etc.
3. Made excuse to myself that I won't be getting clean anytime soon anyway
4. Began viewing pornography
5. Closed my door and put on a loud youtube video so no one would hear me masturbating then covered up in blankets
6. began to apply lotion
7. Began masturbating to different images or videos
8. Orgasmed
9. Cleaned myself up and deleted my history

Lesson 26 Exercise:
Masturbation to pornography:
1. In my room alone, feeling boredom
2. Got an urge to masturbate to videos on the internet
3. Felt shame for my behavior and told myself if I keep doing this my future will not be good.
4. Told myself that it's too difficult to hold out and felt hopeless.
5. Began touching myself for some excitement
6. Looked up videos of things I usually watch to become aroused
7. Felt anxious that one of my family members may hear me masturbating or burst into my room so made sure my door was closed and turned on a loud youtube video.
8. Began searching and skipping through videos while masturbating on and off to find the right one to orgasm too.
9. checked my Bluetooth connection twice to because I felt anxiety about my phone possibly being connected to the television even though I knew it wasn't
10. Orgasmed and felt immediate relief
11. Cleaned myself up and deleted my search history with a little anxiety that someone may catch me.

Lesson 27
- first chain:
- In my first chain I begin to masturbate to one category of porn that I was accustomed to but it no longer provided the stimulation and I looked to other categories in order to get aroused.

- Second chain:
- I began trying to masturbate to fantasize about an ex-girlfriend whom I was sexually active with but it no longer provided enough stimulation so I went to browsing pornography sites and orgasmed.

Lesson 28 Exercise:
1. Develop a compulsive chain of your most recent acting out behavior.
- Bored and in my room alone.
- Began touching myself
- Started scrolling through porn videos to fine a good scene
- Orgasm

2. Upon completion of this chain, review it to ensure that you can recognize the way that each element affected your emotional state.
- Bored and in my room alone- Felt lonely and developed slight anxiety and shame because I have been isolated from and have this addiction.
- Began touching myself- Took my mind off of the boredom and switch my thinking to what I could see on a porn site
- Started scrolling through porn videos to find a good scene- began to anticipate the possibility of seeing new and novel scenes.
- Orgasm- Felt a brief period of relief from my anxiety.

Lesson 29 Exercise:

A. Describe the emotions that you experienced and the thoughts that triggered them.
- I experienced a sort of bliss feeling from a memory of climbing a volcano with other travelers in Nicaragua and then laying in the hammocks and sharing a bottle of wine later that night.

- I experienced a feeling of unworthiness when I remembered one of the travelers I was with saying I was intelligent but naive about the world as I overheard a conversation he was having over the phone while we were walking together.

- I had a feeling of calmness when I remembered exploring museums and spending nights kissing with one of my Ex-girlfriends.

- I had a feeling of aliveness when I played back some of the memories of me having sex and doing very weird things to some of my partners.

- I envisioned one of my behaviors but I would say there was a kind of dullness. I don't know if it's because I haven't acted compulsively to porn in almost 3 weeks but I could not get really any emotions. I guess I had a little shame because I actually considered the things that I watched. Although, I got more stimulation from envisioning past partners though.

B. In assessing your own anxiety, describe the extremes of your personal experiences with anxiety. What has been the least anxious state you have experienced and the most extreme anxious state you have experienced?
- Some of the most extreme anxiety I have experienced would be after I escalated porn categories and began watching transexual porn. I thought I was a homosexual and considered telling my family. I could barely function around friends and even at work.

- Another experience would be when I have to leave my room to go around my family and many of them are present. It's very nerve-racking to me for some reason.

- The least anxious state I have experienced is hanging out with a childhood friend. The most I experience these days is walking past large groups of people.

Lesson 31:
- Make a list of all identifiable stressors that have affected your emotional health over the past week. For each, document whether it is a mild, moderate, severe or extreme stressor. Example: 1) Facing Possible Divorce: extreme; 2) Lost respect among friends and family: moderate
- Work = mild
- Urges = severe
- Family = moderate
- Communication with others = moderate
- Being in big groups = moderate

- Return to your values list created earlier in the workshop. In a healthy life, the majority of energy being drained (e.g. stress) should be related to the pursuit of your highest prioritized values (top fifteen or so). Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the way that you are expending your energy?
- Spirituality: I feel like I have relieved a little stress from meditation but I have also been a little lazy in creating my values and have just begun this process
- Physical health: I have definitely relieved a good bit of my stress by exercising. I need to do it more.
- I would say the above are the only values I have truly worked on.

- Likewise, in a healthy life, the majority of meaning and stimulation that you gain should also be related to your highest values. Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the quality of life you are living?
- I feel that my life has been a lazy one as deep down there is a belief that I can't live that kind of life. I constantly have an all-or-nothing attitude and feel that conditions should be perfect in order for me to start something.

Lesson 33:
* Day 1 and 1/2
Thursday 2/17/2022 (10:40 pm)
- Feeling anxiety and worthlessness. After reading the last lesson I realize that my communication skills are shot. I have been getting into books, porn, for as long as I can remember I did not build and develop healthy relationships. I have recently been texting and hanging out with an old friend from high school. I realize that I struggle to keep a conversation with her. Most women for that matter unless I am talking about nerdy stuff. I just wish that I could be more fun.

Friday 2/18/2022 (3:12 am)
- Talked to same friend on the phone and had a great conversation. Currently feeling a lot more peace but realize I have a habit of over-reacting.

Friday-2/18/2022 (8:33 am)
- Feeling a bit of laziness. I am just waking up and don’t have the motivation to read or do anything else.

Friday- 2/18/2022 (9:35 am)
- Feeling a bit of anxiety. Having an urge at the moment and my anxiety comes from fear of acting on it and watching porn.

Friday- 2/18/2022 (11:13 am)
- Just finished meditating and I feel a lot more calm. I have been having thoughts about how I need to develop more faith in myself to recover.

Friday- 2/18/2022 (3:37 pm)
- Went swimming with swim instructor and feel a bit more clear-headed and relaxed

Friday- 2/18/2022 (4:17 pm)
- Wow these emotions really are transitory and finite. I am currently in a coffee shop studying and am beginning to feel a bit anxious as more people pour in.

Day 2:
Saturday- 2/19/2022 (2:02 pm)
I feel pretty relaxed at the moment So far I have not gotten much work done for the day and am starting now.

Saturday- 2/19/2022 (4:19 pm)
Feeling a bit of fear as I am having an intense urge right now but also remember the darkness I felt when I was addicted. I read my list of values and began to feel a little hope for a better future.

Saturday- 2/19/2022 (8:52 pm)
Feeling a bit more accomplished as I have finished a few daily tasks but also a slight bit of anxiety as I anticipate what the future of my life will be like.

Day 3:
Sunday- 2/20/2022 (6:34 am)
Feeling a little stress building up. I am trying to work on building action plans but can’t find any detailed resources.

Sunday- 2/20/2022 (8:04 pm)
Feeling a slight bit of anxiety but also a bit motivated at the moment. Motivated because I am doing the work to get better each day but anxious because it doesn’t happen very quickly.

Day 4:
Monday- 2/21/2022 (8:40 am)
Feeling a bit anxious. I want to complete tasks this morning but have waken up pretty late and have to work

Monday 2/21/2022 (9:54am)
Feeling increased stress as I just got to work and worry about socializing with others.

Monday 2/21/2022 (7:36 pm)
Feeling a little relaxed I am listening to a bit of spirituality at the moment.

Monday 2/21/2022 (10:21 pm)
Just finished some meditation feeling even more relaxed at the moment.

Day 5:
Tuesday 2/22/2022 (8:43 pm)
Feeling a sudden fear of this addiction because someone in a 12 step group just said that they lost all reputation due to it.

Tuesday 2/22/2022 (8:58 pm)
Feeling a bit of clarity as I am reading through the workshop right now. I have some hope to change.

Tuesday 2/22/2022 (10:30 pm)
Feeling a slight urge at the moment. Just a bit of anxiety about masturbating.


Day 6
Wednesday 2/23/2022 (1:37 pm)
Feeling neural at the moment. Just walked into the library to do some of the workshop

Wednesday 2/23/2022 (6:47 pm)
Feeling pretty relaxed. Finished some my workshop lesson before I goto the gym.

Wednesday 2/23/2022 (11:25 pm)
Feel a little stressed about not being able to recover. I listen to motivational videos and sometimes it resets the hope.

Day 7
Thursday 2/24/2022 (7:37 pm)
Just finished having some fast food and a cigarette and I realize how much my mood changed. I became a bit more relaxed as I was a bit tense and stressed as I heard a coworker making fun of me to a manager. I have been doing this for years WOW.

Lesson 34 Exercise:

Thanks Tim! These are very encouraging words. I will definitely continue to do this workshop. I just caught myself beginning to make a lot of commitments to people. I am beginning to settle down on those because I need to focus on this workshop. I really like what you said about emotions. I have been listening to eastern spirituality lectures since I was young and they always said how emotions are transitory. I had never gotten to truly see this for myself until doing this exercise. It's also nice to hear about your own experience. I can see a bit of my own path within it so it gives me hope that I can recover as well.

A. Describe a time in your life when the "Immediate Gratification" principle has come into play:
- I was with an ex-girlfriend that did not like me watching porn said that I should stop. We lived together at this point and the first few nights we slept together so it was easy. Although the moment she went to sleep with her children I started to feel that she would never know anyway and proceeded to use pornography anytime I was alone.

B. As best as you can, describe the anxiety you feel when you are trying to NOT ACT on a compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Be specific. Compare it to other feelings of anxiety that you experience. The purpose of this exercise is to begin to define the limits of your emotions — and where your compulsive urges stand within those limits.
- My thoughts begin to scatter all over the place. I am first feeling a lot of guilt for having these thoughts. I also feel increased anxiety for the image in my mind of where the behavior of watching will get my in the future. Since I don't currently have the skills I talk to someone when I am having these urges. After a few minutes of conversation, the anxiety goes away.
- This is comparable to my situation at work. I am very shy so when we stand in a big circle before going out my thoughts begin to scatter all over the place. The moment I say "hi" to someone or get into a conversation then I begin to calm down.