Partner's Workshop: Stage Six; Lesson Five

Understanding Sex/Love Addiction (3 of 3)

How can you 'measure' compulsive behavior?

The purpose of this lesson is to provide you with an overview of the process of "measuring compulsive behavior". Please understand, this is an advanced concept in addiction and there is no need for you to master it now...or ever. If you have an aptitude for technical learning, curiosity for new concepts, or just a plain ol' stubbornness to learn all that you can about addiction...you are encouraged to read through this lesson several times so that you become familiar with its concepts. If you lack such an aptitude or motivation, you may skip this lesson altogether.

Measuring Compulsive Behavior

For the remainder of this lesson, it will be helpful for you to assume the role of your partner. Attempt to see things through his/her eyes...or more appropriately, feel things through his/her emotions. As you become more and more skilled with the concept of measuring compulsions, you should begin to change your perception towards the specific elements (see previous lesson) involved in your partner's compulsive behavior.

A brief background: everyone needs to be stimulated. And, everyone is. For most, the stimulation necessary for living a stable, fulfilling life comes naturally, and their ability to manage that stimulation is developed naturally. Such a life will certainly have ups and downs, but a developing foundation of values is often sufficient to maintain balance throughout that life. More on this in the next lesson.

For your partner, however, this foundation of values is virtually useless — yes, intellectually, their values exist; yes, intellectually, they understand them — but they lack the ability to use them to MANAGE their lives. At best, your partner is capable of focusing on several values intensely, but rarely is such a limited scope capable of sustaining emotional balance over the course of a lifetime. It takes their establishing a foundation of values; along with the skills to use them effectively. So, to make up for this life skill deficiency, another means for balancing life's ups and downs must be developed. There must be another way for those who cannot manage their emotions naturally to artificially produce this balance. The stimulation produced through addictive/compulsive behavior is this way. Eventually, in a healthy recovery, the existing values are expanded and the stimulation is produced by acting in accordance with those values. But until that happens, complex rituals are relied upon to produce the extra stimulation necessary to experience — at least temporarily — emotional stability. Rituals that often include elements such as fantasy, sensory, power, etc.

To best understand how the compulsive wheel interacts to artificially produce this stimulation, we will assign concrete values (numbers) to each of the abstract elements that are involved in a particular 'behavioral chain' (e.g. sensory, suspense, danger, etc.). Not the kind of values that are needed to provide stability and balance, but actual numerical values ranging from "1" to "3". Because each element of the wheel is equal in terms of the potential stimulation it can produce, these numerical values will only be assigned after the elements of a specific compulsive act have been identified.

To begin the process of measuring a compulsive act, it is important to first identify each element that helps to produce stimulation. Each element that is identified will be represented by a single triangle. Some elements (like sensory or orgasm) may be represented several times throughout the chain of a specific behavior — depending on the ritual itself. A triangle is used to represent the elements because each side of the triangle represents one of the three filters associated with the compulsive wheel (Habituation, Intensity and Time). To better understand this, let's examine a very basic "ritualistic act".

Dave is a 26 y.o. married father of two. He struggles daily with romantic fantasies involving women he sees. Wanting to remain faithful to his wife, he never approaches these women, but instead fantasizes about them while masturbating. His "ritualistic chain" is as follows: he searches for a woman that will trigger the fantasies (Suspense); he sees the woman [Sensory (visual)]; he fantasizes about her (Fantasy); he masturbates [Sensory (touch)]; he orgasms (Orgasm); he feels good in that he had successful sexual relations with an attractive woman other than his wife (in his mind), without cheating on her (Accomplishment).

The first step is to identify the Primary behavior(s) in this chain. There are no right or wrong answers, because everything relative to measuring the behaviors is subjective — it is the opinion of the person experiencing it. We will assume that the Primary behaviors in this case include both the Fantasy and the Masturbation. These two behaviors will produce a greater level of stimulation than the others, so we will assign them a "3". The next step is do determine which of the behaviors are Secondary. Suspense often provides Dave with the preliminary trance that begins his mood-altering. The Primary behaviors could exist without the Suspense, such as in the case of spontaneously meeting someone... but suspense does significantly heighten stimulation when included. So for this scenario, Suspense will be a secondary behavior and assigned a "2". Finally, we will determine the Accessory behaviors — those behaviors that occur as a result of the other elements. In this example, Orgasm and Accomplishment are Accessories — so each would be assigned a "1".

All of these behaviors, from the Primary behaviors to the Accessories, must then be filtered through Time, Intensity and Habituation to gain a more accurate reflection of how stimulating the element is. For each filter, the number that was assigned to the element (1, 2 or 3) will be multiplied by the number assigned to the filter's effect (0-10). Filtering each element is important when it comes time for understanding why it takes longer for people to achieve the same level of stimulation, or why people must expand the range of their compulsive behaviors in order to continue managing their emotions effectively.

As an example, let's say that Dave's ritualistic chain above, when the calculations are performed, result in an overall stimulation level of 30.1. But as the months go by, because of the filters, Dave's behavior loses a lot of the stimulation that was produced, and so the same exact behaviors that once produced a 30.1, now produce a level of 18.7. The only difference has been the effects of those three filters. Now, a level of 18.7 is not stimulating enough to make Dave feel any significant relief, and so he must find ways of increasing the stimulation that is produced. We'll use the act of voyeurism as an example. As you read the following compulsive act (chain of behaviors), attempt to identify the expanded elements involved.

Dave lives in a large apartment complex. One morning, he noticed an attractive girl who was struggling to move into a new apartment. Being a gentleman, he offered to help this girl carry some of her boxes and, when she wasn't looking, stole a pair of her panties that were sitting in a basket and shoved them down his pants. He did this knowing that he would later use them while fantasizing about her — that having a particular article of clothing or personal object of the person he fantasizes about helps make the experience even more exciting. The orgasm more powerful. That night, well after midnight, he watched as the woman sat alone in her apartment, continuing to unpack boxes and put things away. He watched her from the bushes outside of her apartment. He began thinking about the woman...how beautiful she was. How "special" she was. He couldn't help but wonder if maybe she was "the one" — the girl he had always knew was out there — the one who would appreciate his passion, his depth, his ability to love so deeply. He thought about how she smiled as she thanked him for helping her. He remembered how she casually promised to "make it up to him" someday soon. It was obvious that they would make a good couple. That, even though he was a bit older than she, she would fall in love with him because he, too, was "special". All this was a certainty, if only she would give the relationship a chance.

From outside the window, Dave began to focus on the way her body moved. His thoughts filled with the wonder of what she would smell like, what she would taste like, how it would feel like to run his fingers through her hair. How awesome it would be to make love to her. He took out her panties and began to smell them. Although they were freshly laundered, he ran his tongue across in hopes of picking up even the slightest hint of what it would be like to taste her. As she began preparing for bed, he started to masturbate and was able to achieve orgasm before she turned out the lights. Even after the lights went out, he continued to stay by her window. If he was lucky, she might get up to go to the bathroom, or masturbate herself to sleep...but even if she didn't, he was still somehow comforted just by being near her.

Such expansion does not usually occur so dramatically. It is more typically a gradual progression, where the person wakes up one day and wonders, "How in heck did I get this way?" But, in this overly dramatic example, what elements did you identify?

Though there could be many more, the observations will be limited to the following ten: Sensory (visual); Suspense; Danger; Fantasy (delusional); Accomplishment; Sensory (touch); Sensory (smell); Sensory (taste); Fantasy (imagery) and Orgasm. To begin the process of mapping out our compulsive chain, we will need to draw ten triangles as follows:

After labeling each triangle, it becomes necessary to assign each a numerical value. The number (1, 2 or 3) that will be entered in the center of the triangle will directly correspond to how that behavior fits in the following assessment scale:

3-Primary Behavior
Includes any element that plays a primary role in the ritual. In this case, it would be Sensory (visual). Without it, the voyeuristic act would not exist. The Sensory (sight) triangle would be assigned the number "3".

Another possible primary behavior could be Fantasy (delusional) if the only reason that he is voyeuring is because of a belief that this woman is "the one". We will assume that he has a pattern of voyeuring with or without this feeling and so the only essential behavior (primary behavior) is the visual sensory stimulation.

In other chains, there may be multiple elements that are assigned as the primary behavior. An example of this would be in a "date rape" situation where part of the ritual is to incapacitate their victim (through intoxication, Ruphenol, etc.), the second is to achieve complete Power over their victim once they are incapacitated. A third possible element involving Orgasm could also be assigned (if having an orgasm is essential to the completion of the ritual). Likewise, there could also be a fourth element, or a fifth...it all depends on the individual and their particular rituals. In such a chain, if even one of these essential elements is not met, the ritualistic chain is broken and the behavior does not provide the emotional relief that was being sought. Most chains, however, involve only one primary behavior, and the remainder are Secondary and/or Accessory behaviors.

2-Secondary Behavior
Includes any element that occurs as a direct result of the ritual being performed. In this case, it will be Suspense, Danger, Fantasy and Accomplishment. These four triangles will be assigned the number "2". A case could be made to add Fantasy (delusional) and/or Fantasy (imagery) as secondary behaviors, and they very well might be. In this particular scenario however, we will assume that Dave fantasized through choice only, rather than as a natural extension of his Sensory stimulation. Therefore, they would be classified as Accessories.

1-Accessory Behavior
Includes any element that is voluntarily added to the ritual to deliberately increase the overall stimulation that is achieved. In this case, it will be Sensory (touch), Sensory (smell), Sensory (smell); Fantasy (imagery) and Orgasm. These elements will be assigned the number "1".

Other frequently used accessory elements include Poly-addictions (getting high before acting out) and Sensory (introducing people, pornography, stolen objects into the sexual act; masturbation). Orgasm (which is rarely a primary behavior, except when Masturbation is a primary element as well), is most often used as a means of closure to a more extensive ritualistic chain-rather than as a primary element.

These ten elements combine to become what is know as the "ritualistic chain" for that specific compulsive act. Some chains can be quite simple, requiring one or two triangles; some can be quite complex-involving literally hundreds of elements. This is usually the case in extreme addictions where the person displaying the behavior has lost almost complete touch with reality. Their entire life becomes comprised of ritualistic behavior that serves to comfort them. Most however, will involve between three and seven elements.

At this point, Dave's ritualistic chain for his voyeuristic act would look as follows:

Keep in mind that, as you begin identifying your own ritualistic chains, it will be the thoughts and emotions that accompany your behavior which will provide the greatest clue as to whether a particular element should be classified as a primary, secondary or accessory behavior. Someone who views pornography as their primary behavior will not have the same type of ritualistic chains as someone else who also views pornography as their primary behavior. The types of pornography, the amount of pornography, the situations the pornography is used in, the additional elements that are included when viewing pornography-these are only some of the variables that need to be considered when beginning to measure your own compulsions.

Once the elements in the ritualistic chain have been identified, each isolated element must then pass through the filters of Time, Intensity and Habituation. Like the elements, these three abstract filters will be replaced by concrete numerical values. Unlike the elements, each filter has its own scale:

TIME

Scale: (10-1, 0)
When considering the effect of Time on a particular element, the closer an element comes to the threshold of Time, the higher the number that will be assigned. Take for example, nipple stimulation [Sensory (touch)]. In a perfect situation, the amount of time spent stimulating the nipples will have brought the sensations to their absolute peak. The assigned value would be "10". Should the stimulation actually reach (or surpass) the threshold, making what was once a pleasurable experience now irritating or painful, the assigned value would be a "0". The importance of this will be apparent as we continue.

The following values will be assigned to the Time filter (Time) of each element:

INTENSITY (10-1, 0)
Whereas Time's threshold can be seen as a gradual incline coming to an abrupt end, Intensity's threshold is one of peaks and valleys. An example would be the act of a woman receiving oral sex. Should her partner lick too fast, or too slow...be too rough or too gentle...too much pressure or not enough pressure...it all effects the intensity of the pleasure that she is capable of experiencing. Turning that around, her partner's stimulation is also effected by the intensity of different elements. Should the woman have too strong a smell, or too bitter of a taste...the intensity of these Sensory elements will reduce the overall stimulation that is experienced. Again, in situations where the threshold has been reached, and thus the experience is no longer pleasurable (and most likely unpleasant and/or painful), a "0" will be entered.

In reality, the effects of Intensity will vary throughout the sexual act. Here, we will set our numerical values to correspond with the height of a single point in the ritual.

The following values will be assigned to the Intensity filter (Intensity) of each element:

HABITUATION (10-1)
Unlike the other two filters, Habituation is assigned a higher number the farther away the specific element is to the saturation point. There is no zero, as the scope of the stimulation ranges from novelty (high number) to neutrality (low number)-rarely, if ever does someone become so saturated from a certain stimulus that is actually becomes painful. Let us examine the act of pornography as it relates to Habituation.

When one begins to look at pornography on the Internet (again, we are referring to a single act, not an extended pattern), there is usually an extreme high that comes with the initial search for the most stimulating photos/videos/cams. Frequently, behaviors like fantasy and masturbation accompany the viewing of pornography. But eventually, after viewing hundreds (or thousands) of men/women in a single sitting, habituation sets in and the images begin to lose their effect. Eventually, the effect has worn off almost completely, and this once stimulating image now produces no more adrenaline than a picture of milk. This is habituation.

The following values will be assigned to the Habituation filter (Habit) of each element:

The next step is to multiply each filter by the element's value, then add the total per element. Note: you can obtain the same effect using any number of mathematical calculations; this one is used only to provide a simple way of reinforcing the concept that each filter plays a significant role in understanding the stimulation produced by each element. Also, that each element plays a significant role in understanding the stimulation produced by the act as a whole. Performing the calculations as described above, we have the sum score of each element in red:

The final step in measuring the overall stimulation of a ritualistic chain is to divide each element's sum by the total number of elements in the chain (triangles). In this case, there were ten, so each number will be divided by 10. (Numbers will be rounded up for simplicity.)

The numbers in green represent the total amount of stimulation provided by each element. As you can see, each element adds to the overall level of stimulation produce by the act being performed. The overall stimulation rating for this particular ritualistic chain could be measured by adding the score of each individual element above: 7.5 + 4.1 + 2.6 + 3.8 + 4.4 + 1.9 + .8 + .4 + 1.3 + 2.5 = 29.3 overall stimulation rating. This information leads to the following "cookie" for this particular chain of behaviors:

Again, to "measure" the total amount of stimulation provided by this particular chain (or cookie), you simply add the amount of stimulation produced by each individual element. In this particular case, the overall stimulation produced by the voyeuristic act described above is: 29.3. Now originally, Dave was able to produce a level of 30.1 with his more simple fantasizing, but because of Habituation, a further expansion of other elements (or increases in their intensity, time) was needed to generate similar feelings.

To Summarize...

In the beginning stages of an addiction, a single element has the ability to produce high levels of stimulation. Thus few elements are needed to propel the addict into a mind-altered state. As habituation sets in the person involved in such a compulsive act becomes more and more accustomed to the stimulation. The ritual's ability to produce the same level of stimulation decreases, creating the need for additional elements (or a fine-tuning of the filters — such as increasing the time spent engaged in the activity, or increasing the Intensity of certain elements). The compulsive person manages the ritual's emotional stimulation by increasing the time spent engaged in these behaviors, by increasing the intensity (such as the danger of being caught), and by increasing the number of elements involved in the behavioral chain.

There comes a point, even as the addict perfects his ritualistic chains, when the stimulative value will not be enough to reach the highs that are needed to feel adequate relief. It is at this point where additional ritualistic chains are added (or significantly expanded). Their values are calculated in much the same manner as the initial chain, with one exception: when dividing additional chains, the divisor is not the number of elements in that particular ritual, but the number of elements in that, and all previous rituals associated with that specific session of stimulation. For example, if Dave (the person involved in voyeuring) completed his ten-element chain, yet feelings of anxiety remained, he might add another ritualistic chain to the session. Let's suppose he went home and masturbated. While doing this, he fantasized that he was engaged in lovemaking with the girl who had just moved in. When he climaxed, he did so directly into her panties. The elements to this new chain are as follows:

Primary: Orgasm (in this particular case, it is the primary behavior because he actually set out to ejaculate onto something she owned; and Fantasy (the entire ritual was geared towards the fantasies that Dave was having towards this girl).

Secondary: Sensory (touch) — the need to orgasm brought about the need to masturbate; Accomplishment — achieving orgasm brought about the feelings of accomplishment

Accessory: Past — the memories of having seen her get ready for bed produced a heightened fantasy, as did the panties.

Measuring this new chain, we have:

Notice that the biggest difference between the original chain and this one is that the divisor in the original chain equaled the number of elements in that chain only, whereas the divisor in this secondary chain includes not only these elements, but those of the previous chain as well. This is imperative, as the overall stimulation that is produced tends to decrease as the ritualistic behavior expands. Eventually, it requires an almost constant state of ritualism to maintain the same level of stimulation that once came easily. In the above example, the additional ritualistic chain actually added 14.8 to the original 29.3 rating of overall stimulation. This is key to understanding the progressive nature of addictions and compulsive behavior. The progression never ends until a conscious decision is made to end it. Even then, a conscious effort must be made to find alternative ways of providing that stimulation, or one will simply find themselves engaged in other compulsive behavior.

Let's consider one more example, this one from a person who continually finds themselves engaging in sexually compulsive behavior with strangers. Each element of the wheel, in order to be measured effectively, must first be filtered through Time, Intensity and Habituation. Take the act of engaging in promiscuous sexual activity with a stranger. Some of the possible elements that are involved would be: danger, past, sensory and accomplishment. For each of these elements, there will be four numerical values assigned. The first number will be either a 1, 2 or 3 — depending on whether the behavior is considered to be a Primary, Secondary or Accessory behavior (your opinion). The last three numbers will be assigned to represent the effect that each filter has on the element being measured.

Our initial chain might look like this:

These numbers are arbitrary, as they are based solely on one's perceptions. The same exact behaviors that provide a "8.3" rating can provide someone else a stimulation rating of ".02" or "37". The numbers only have relevance when used to examine a specific behavior chain involving a particular individual.

In this particular behavior chain, let's examine the element of Danger. Let us say that, because Danger is the main element that triggers the need to engage in sex with a complete stranger, it will be assigned the number "3". Depending on the individual, it could very easily have been Past (should the person be reliving past sexual abuse) or some other element — for this discussion, it is what drives the main behavior. The next step is to filter the stimulation produced by the element of Danger through Time. There is a certain threshold for Time that elevates the arousal of the stimulation being produced. It could be a few minutes (which is why some people need to have sex within an hour or so of meeting this person before the "stranger" label wears off), or the threshold could be reached after several hours (or days, weeks or months). The closer the element of danger is in the ritualistic behavior, the higher the assigned number will be (1-10). If the threshold is surpassed, then the stimulation that is produced is lost, and so a "0" is assigned. An example of surpassing the Danger threshold is staying with a "stranger" long enough to know that there is no danger involved. The next filter to consider will be Intensity — which will come through the situation itself (how dangerous is it?). When the element surpasses the threshold of intensity (say, when you are physically raped or tortured — and so the element no longer produces arousal), a "0" is assigned. Finally, the filter of Habituation is considered. This would apply to "how many times" you have participated in this behavior in the past. The more times that you participate in this particular element, the less stimulating it will become (there are some exceptions to this, but as a rule of thumb...). The first time that you have sex with a stranger will be significantly more arousing than the thirtieth time.

Important!

What is most important in understanding this "measuring" of behavior, is that the focus is not on the exact numbers, but rather, to grasp the concept of how the different elements all come together to form chains that help your partner to produce stimulation 'artificially'. Your partner manages his/her emotions by altering the elements and/or filters involved in their behavioral chains. Do not worry about being able to calculate an exact number for each compulsive chain. For those who do understand this concept, it will help you down the road...but it is not essential. What is essential is that you understand how your partner can effect the overall level of stimulation that your partner's behavior produces.

In the Recovery Workshop, those in recovery begin to use these chains to identify, isolate and eliminate their own compulsive behavior. Obviously, if your partner is involved with the Recovery Workshop, it is important that you at least have an understanding of what behavioral chains are and how to calculate their numerical values. As you continue on, keep in mind that these values are for the most part arbitrary, and are only meant to provide an approximate representation of the stimulation that is produced through certain actions. It is not meant to be an exact measurement. The idea is to provide your partner with a platform to analyze their behaviors and the ways that each element combines to affect them.