Partner's Supplemental Workshop Lesson: Scaffolding
The Pillars of our Lives: Using Scaffolding

It might be helpful to see our lives like an acropolis. It is as if the fabric of our lives is held up by many different pillars. These pillars represent the things which we derive value from in our different life domains. They offer us a sense of stability and have our values at their core.
Examples of pillars might be:
• Relationship with partner
• Close family
• Children
• Work
• Community involvement/Church
Sometimes, what happens is that we experience different pillars crumbling or in need of repair or renovation at different times.
With the initial discovery of sexual addiction it rocks our whole world for a while, like an earthquake which shakes our very foundations. This is a normal response to a major life trauma. Here we are focused not on the initial shock and trauma, rather on dealing with the aftermath and impact of sexual addiction on our lives, after we have embarked on a healing journey.
When we discover that our partners are, or have been, involved in sexual addiction this seems like our whole world is crashing around us. We may find that the pillar of ‘our relationship with our partner' has been a single pillar which has been sustaining our lives. This is indicative of an unhealthy life balance. For healthy living we need to create a balanced life where one pillar is not supporting our whole lives! As we start our healing journey we may come to the realization that the discovery of sexual addiction actually represents a ‘crumbling' of only one pillar in our lives: a significant pillar, but it is only one pillar and we can get to a place where we have other values that help support a healthy life. As a result, we can create and sustain a sense of autonomy, within an interdependent relationship rather than an unhealthy dependence on a partner.
In our own healing from the trauma we must be sure to pay attention to re establishing and reinforcing all our pillars in order to build our own security, safety and wholeness. Crumbling pillars can occur at any stage of our lives and in any area (life domain).
To gain stability we need to start to put scaffolding around the weakened pillars as soon as we can (by examining what we can do to reinforce the weakened areas of our lives) and at the same time recognise the stability and value offered by the other pillars (by giving some attention to the positive value derived from the other pillars).
Sometimes more than one pillar is affected. For example:
Let's say that you have discovered your partner's sex addiction, and a close relative has died, and you have lost your job.
When several (or all) of the pillars in our lives are affected, the whole fabric of our lives seem to be unstable or in jeopardy. It may be that at this point we need to seek professional help from a medical doctor or mental health professional.
Using Scaffolding
Scaffolding is used as a temporary framework to support people and material whilst a building is being repaired. When a building is in structural crisis using scaffolding is vital to enable the stability and reconstruction of the building. This is a useful metaphor for personal crisis too. We recognize the need to maintain stability in a crisis and to put support systems in place.Our support systems can consist of:
- Network of people who can offer a variety of support
- Support activities which nurture self and values
- Self support techniques for mood management
1 and 2 above are covered in the Partner's Workshop (Exercise 15) Developing a Support System
Self support techniques for mood management (3 above) are support techniques for mood management, tools and techniques
that help us manage our lives when we are in crisis. What we can actually do to help ourselves when we are beginning
to be out of emotional balance. There are many such tools available from different sources: self help books, different
therapies, self-help websites. These become most effective when we personalize them.
What follows is a method which I developed to help me manage my emotions as I was dealing with the crumbling pillars in my life. This can be used as part of an action plan for mood management and related post traumatic type symptoms, specifically those associated with disclosure of sexual addiction. Please bear in mind that it is designed for those without any known associated mental health issues. Please note that the following technique should not replace your therapist's advice.
The 4 A s' Method
The 4 A s' Method is essentially a series of questions to raise emotional awareness, assist in regulating emotions and to bring reason to bear to the body/mind response of unbalanced or overwhelming emotions. Once you have familiarized yourself with the questions try testing it out with a run through, but I suggest that you do it when you are not experiencing extreme or overwhelming emotions. Sometimes it's not safe to feel and accept an emotion, ( for example if the emotion is leading you to
behave against your values) if this is the case - for whatever reason, find a way to step out of the situation
or step out of the emotion by seeking help. It is important to note that if you are unsafe you must take
steps to protect yourself: physically remove yourself and dependents from the situation. By answering those questions for myself I was most often able to shift my own mood into a more positive one and I was also able to manage the emotional overwhelm that came from the post traumatic type symptoms, triggered by the traumatic discovery of my husband's sexual addiction. Sometimes when we are extremely stressed, in crisis or emotionally overwhelmed it can be useful to have a memory jogger to remind us what to do — I wrote my “4 A's” on the back of old business cards which I kept in my purse. Another memory jogger I had was “Stop, Look and Listen” I would say it to myself when I recognized that my emotional state was getting out of hand. It became shorthand for a technique to help me get back on track:
The 4 A's method
Acknowledge!
Acknowledge what you feel...
Accept!
Accept what you are feeling...
5 secs - 5 mins- 5 hours - or 5 days!
“Even though I feel sad, angry, stressed...I am okay!”Ask!
Ask yourself What's going on here?
Adapt!
Adapt current beliefs, behaviors, language, to meet the outcomes of 'how do I want to be different?'
Memory Joggers
Activity A:
Activity B