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 Post subject: htbn recovery thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 23, 2021 7:53 am 
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Joined: Wed Aug 26, 2020 2:48 am
Posts: 3
Hello,

to be honest I just acted out a few times again.

I feel quite desperate.

I feel the addiction itself, the pleasure of orgasming to porn or to binge on sweets, youtube etc. is not giving me anything anymore.

I am left with no hope, no source to provide me with that high I am looking for.

Seriously I am lost. Nothing makes sense. Nothing motivates me. I feel empty, drained, hopeless.

I thought about asking / calling out for an accountability partner / mentor a first post.

Even finding such a person, I think, is not going to help because I am the one who messes up, regardless of someone else babysitting me or not.

I have been restarting with the workshop multiple times.

I take notes because I think I should make sure I incorporate everything, that I don't miss anything.

I takes me forever.

A few weeks and still in the introduction.

So right now I just re-read lesson 1 quite fast because I almost know it by heart, because I have restarted countless times and never get pass the first lessons.

Sorry for the lamentations, I got to have it off my chest I guess.

Here are my answers.

Lesson 1:

Where do I stand regarding actively committing myself to change?

I really don't know. I honestly manage to last a few days, doing the lessons, reading, watching myself. Then one day I mess everything up. And I'm back to zero.

Where do I stand regarding not allowing guilt / shame to sabotage my committment to change?

I keep this secret. I do all my best to hide my addiction and my recovery. I think that if my wife, friends, family would know, it would forever change the way they look at me. They would look at me as a sick pervert person, a stain.
The secrecy sure makes it harder to do the recovery but I can't see another way. I can't see how it would help my wife to know this secret of mine. It would just hurt her a lot and then make me a burden on her. I don't want to be a burden, I want to sort my life myself, I want to be responsible and handle this myself, because I messed this up on my own so to speak.

Where do I stand regarding allowing myself time to change?

I often manage to keep away from acting out for a few days. I do the right things, I work on what I find important, I am loving etc. Then it seems like I've been "clean" forever and then I go back to these behaviors and when I look objectively, it was just a few days of abstinence.
Fighting the urge after a few days is so hard. I know it is going to take time but I am stuck in this week - 2 weeks loop of abstinence - relapse.

B. Reasons to change my life

Right now I feel that nothing matters, that it is all not lasting noise.

Looking at the last years I honestly don't know if I can really change my life...

I will try to get more quiet and make a list.


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 Post subject: Re: htbn recovery thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 23, 2021 10:01 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Oct 04, 2019 3:29 pm
Posts: 134
Hi htbn

Thanks for posting and well done for getting started on the first lesson. I think we have probably all felt like you describe at one point or another:

Quote:
Seriously I am lost. Nothing makes sense. Nothing motivates me. I feel empty, drained, hopeless.

That is in no way meant to minimise what you are experiencing. But I can certainly identify with those feelings myself, when any kind of recovery (let alone a permanent one) seems like an impossible goal and it feels like I'm trapped in a never ending cycle of relapse.

The reality is that you are not alone and that you are not unique. If you truly want to put the work in and find a route towards healthy living then that will make a change, no matter how gradually.

You posted this sentence in the section about finding reasons to change:

Quote:
Right now I feel that nothing matters, that it is all not lasting noise.

I can understand those feelings, but its crucial that you dig deep and find genuine reasons to change for yourself. Without laying that solid foundation, its almost impossible to build anything lasting or meaningful. You also talk about your wife, friends and family. Surely they are also reasons for you to seek change, but the main reason to change always has to be yourself and the desire to be able to have a sense of peace of purpose in your own life.

I'd urge you to put some real thought into laying those foundations. Stick with the programme and commit yourself to it and things will change for you and the people around you. Its not an easy journey but the rewards are well worth it.

Stay safe.

Tim


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 Post subject: Re: htbn recovery thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 24, 2021 3:20 am 
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Joined: Wed Aug 26, 2020 2:48 am
Posts: 3
Thank you very much Tim for your encouraging words.

I feel less hopeless than yesterday.

I am preparing the list of reasons.

I guess they'd better be quite good because when the urges come, it looks like these reasons are the defense mechanism to keep on track...

I have done some thinking, and it looks like I am very immature: I want only the nice, comfortable, pleasant emotions, feelings, experiences.

When things go difficult, unexpected, unplanned, unpleasant, I don't like it and if it's too much I turn to addiction.

I honestly don't want to act like this. I don't want to be so childish and only want "half of life", only fun.

Not only because I want to be a responsible and brave adult, but also because the pleasure doesn't last and is not going to get me real, genuine results and satisfaction. It's a very nice tasting trap!

Thank you once again for your comment!


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 Post subject: Re: htbn recovery thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 14, 2021 11:02 am 
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Joined: Wed Aug 26, 2020 2:48 am
Posts: 3
Lesson 1: Reasons to change

1. I want to be aware
Addiction / acting out means living in autopilot.
It is leaving the lead to ingrained patterns, giving away the control.
Awareness is key in my life

2. I need the time to live a fulfilling life
Addiction and acting out costs so much time. I need time for:
- my online IT business
- my online personal trainer business
- my movement training practice
- my learning IT and product management
- my physicals science, physiology, anatomy, epidemiology
- cooking with my family
- going out in nature, or on playgrounds with my children
- tidying up, cleaning, repairing my flat
- planing for my family
- meeting with friends
- being available for my family, friends and others
- learning and playing the guitar
- share with the world (blog, music, videos)
- creating programs about living better
- and more...

3. I need the energy to act in my life

4. I need the focus on my life

5. I want to face and overcome the challenges, to be brave
Addiction / acting out is used to avoid difficulties.

6. I want to be look at life in the eye
Addiction / acting out is used to avoid looking at myself, at others, at my limitations, at the unpleasant things in life

7. I want to be free from fear, desire, lust, pleasure
Those are not good guides because pleasure now often means dissatisfaction and pain later, while pain now often mean satisfaction later.

8. I want to see females again as human beings / I want to be free from the porn / body parts filter


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