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PostPosted: Sun Oct 24, 2021 10:37 pm 
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HEALTH MONITORING – WEEK21 10/17/21 – 10/24/21

This week, I’m going to balance my life with the following values:

implementing daily health action plan, which will include:

compassionate exercises
gym
sleeping
waking up when alarm goes off
reading book
writing
staying on top of my job at work
closing apartment deal

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

finding an apartment to live in
some creativity

I think for me…in terms of health…it was having some conversations with folks. like talking with my father….and with my old friend. I think it was helpful to do that…I did enjoy that…even though it was stressful at times, yet I think it was helpful too….with giving me perspective

Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?

yes I’ve been getting a bit obsessive with the long term career goal of filmmaking instead of just making films. or to be planning for the type of films to be making…I think I’ve gotten a bit obsessed with that and I would like to pull back on doing that

Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?

I think i….did okay…it most definitely was challenging, yet I think I did okay.

Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?
I know in 8 days I will be returning to office, which will be stressful for sure. I also know this week I MAY move to an apartment that I’ve found. I need to finalize the paperwork though, yet this will be very stressful with dealing with that this week.

I think it’s important to do a few things for balancing my health:
nature walk, consistency at gym, reading, writing / planning next project to shoot

how many times a week did I work out last week?

I worked out…only about 2 times including today…so not much at all…but glad I went to the gym still

did I spend quality time with friends and family?

ya except I did not feel connected. I was too depressed with my current life situation that I just felt disconnected with moving forward in my career, so that was challenging to move forward with.

what is my specific action plan when I do not want to get out of bed in the morning / I am thinking?

I think it’s to be thinking the night before --- may I have a good night rest…may I be kind. may I be well. I can only be kind to myself and I think that would be good to do.

what is my specific action plan when I am thinking before I go to bed?

to note the thoughts as just thoughts…and to continue to note that


what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?

I think just that this is the last week that I will be working remotely…and there will be a lot of resistance.

so what are specific situations. I just think I can want to be on the computer. OH now that I reactivated my facebook account to promote my short film I need to ensure that…I only look on facebook just for that reason.

I also need to be absolutely honest with myself…can I possibly use social media? like have these accounts and all of that just for being a filmmaker? is it worth my health?

personally, I’ve abused social media before in the past….i don’t think it makes sense for me anymore to blast my video on the internet like it….but what other choice do I have really?

so it makes me a bit sad though…it makes me a bit sad though…and ya….

so action plan….

I need to be careful --- that I just cannot use facebook for checking stuff. at the moment it’s just for promoting my short film….and if I abuse this then I know the actions that I would need to take which is to..deactivate it again….

how am I handling random sexual / romanticizing thoughts that pop up into my head?

okay…I just need to continue with noting exercises

if I move, how will I manage this stress?

oh gosh this will be challenging…I think for example if I move this Saturday…how will I handle this?
well I think it would be fantastic to just take a walk the night before…to see if I can schedule movers and such…and then to just get it done. and to embrace that this will be messy and stressful and things like that. I think I might need movers it will be very, very stressful to not have any movers so ya….that is that…


what will my daily action plan look like?

above…I like the idea of just:
waking up, meditating, a few minutes on building self compassion / kindness, writing, day job, going to the gym in the evening…bed time….


how much time am I spending on computer procrastinating?

ummm over the past week….i guess it’s been okay? oh ya it’s been about looking up other people. I need to be mindful that this ocd is not helpful in my life…and to remember if that’s how I truly want to be spending my time on the internet instead of moving forward with projects…

I also need to remember the most I’ve ever learned about filmmaking is when I was doing. not seeing or living vicariously through that but by doing…that’s an important distinction to make. I’m also going to…remove safari from my phone I’ve been abusing it recently.

what’s my plan for working on my next film project? when will I work on it?

well to continue working on the narrative one and the music video one. I would like to write a vision actually tomorrow since I’m feeling tired now and I want to listen to my body about going to bed early….

SEXUAL MONITORING - WEEK21 10/17/21 – 10/24/21

when I am attending a new public place, do I roleplay healthy reactions?

I have not been roleplaying new healthy reactions….but I do continue my noting practice. a bit interesting today.

Interesting…I’ve been so stressed out recently that my mind has actually not been focused on the sexualizing…I think I became so ocd before about “am I sexualizing this?” “am I sexualizing that?” that I was manifesting it…but because I’ve been so stressed recently that my mind hasn’t been doing that at all…

it’s weird because I thought I would be doing it more…so I need to anticipate that my mind will want to find ways to act out.

how….?

THE INTERNET
- SOCIAL MEDIA (FACEBOOK, INSTAGRAM)

CONTACTING GIRLS IN LA THAT I KNOW
- CONTACTING THAT GIRL THAT I MET A FEW MONTHS AGO just to say hi
o I DO NOT TRUST MYSELF COMPLETELY THAT I WANT TO CONTACT HER FOR GENUINE REASONS


Oh my gosh --- I also plan on posting my short film on the internet this week.
I think this is a HUGELY TRIGGERING EVENT to be posting on social media. I know it’s important to get myself out there / put myself out there --- but it’s extremely triggering to be looking at comments / DMs that I may receive, etc.

so action plan.

I put the link online
trigger: concern
behavior: let me scroll through people’s profiles who have seen it
I scroll through someone else’s profile who seems CUTE
I THEN SCROLL AND GET CAUGHT IN A DOWNWARD SPRIAL WANTING TO LOOK FOR SOMEONE

on that note --- I do think that NOT having Instagram is really important. I personally think I should delete IG. or deactivate it. I know I get it, it was for my film, but what about my health? why did I put my health secondary in order to promote my film?

I think that is the thing that is most terrifying for me. I think there’s this fear that I can act out in any upcoming day or week or month or whatever.

and it always start on the internet.

I think I would like to have my film promoted on another site….and that is that though….and / or on youtube….but I don’t want to be doing anything else…

I think the only thing I use IG for is for posting this short film. and then when it’s done…then I may deactivate it or just remove the app from my phone. ya that can be a good idea.


that is by far the biggest trigger for me…it’s always been the internet…

am i thinking / fantasizing of someone from the past, present, or future?

I have thought about reaching out to that person…but I don’t trust myself with the timing. I’ll reach out to her once I am settled in LA and can meet up

what is my specific action plan for anticipating the stress this week?

see above…to use healthy value actions. to be EXTREMELY MINDFUL when choose to go on social media on the internet.

In fact…I think I need to be extremely mindful any time I go on IMDB. I think I’ve abused that website as an unhealthy source of information and I need to put a stop on it…I am living vicariously through there….and ya…..

what are potential moments this upcoming week when I may want to act out? what are the action plans to implement?

see above.

posting video online --- looking on social media , etc.
action plan: TO WALK AWAY FROM COMPUTER / PHONE.
if I want to browse, after posting it online, I WALK AWAY FROM COMPUTER / PHONE, TAKE A WALK OUTSIDE FOR FRESH AIR

what is my specific action plan for managing sexualizing thoughts when return back to office? romanticizing colleagues?
note the thoughts --- note the environment. note them. accept the anxiety. accept it. get curious what the anxiety feels like in your body


am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)

yes but not as much even though have been very stressed out

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past week?

not just one thing….but just a little blue

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?

no not over past week

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.

no

what is my specific action plan when I fantasize about another person’s life?

to gently ask myself…hmmm what do I get out of this?
because at the end of the day…it’s easier to fantasize instead of putting in the real work 
yet the fantasy won’t ever lead to a life that I am happy to live in

I also need to know that comparing myself to others is not helpful
it is only by creating that is helpful for me


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2021 11:47 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 163
review of vision in 1 yr
in my apartment one year from now.


I imagine myself in my own apartment.

I may be in a new accounting job. But it brings a huge smile to my face to not have to be. if I can be working full time freelancing and making relationships as a DP and just shooting all of the time and directing content that would be amazing.


I walk into m my room.

there’s someone sitting on the couch. she’s watching a movie. I see myself happy besides her.

I see myself happy besides her. I see camera equipment and gear in the corner of my apartment. I see my laptop up with the external hard drives running.

on my social media, I see that I have a few videos done by next year. like you can see a huge JUMP IN MY IMPROVEMENT FROM NOW AND NEXT YEAR.


YOU CAN SEE A HUGE JUMP IN MY VIDEOS.

BUT THERE'S MORE HTOUGH.

I WALK INTO THE KITCHEN --- and I see new recipes and food there.

there’s also the bathroom that is tidy as well. I have my guitar too. and my bike. I have all of these pieces of my life but most importantly I have meditation.

I have it there as my guide and my savior.

I’ll look back and remember how it was one year ago…how low and despair I felt.

and to remember that with hard work and a bit of curiosity…the world is your oyster.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2021 12:03 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 163
HEALTH MONITORING - MONTH 5

Over the past month, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

majority of it came from…I think spending time with family and friends…ya definitely spending time with family and friends like for Halloween…

I think there was a lot of day dreaming though done….in terms of spending time on the internet / what my next step in my film career.

there was some creativity done but nothing consistent though for creating a long term value

Over the past month, were there any situations or events that drained me?


I feel drained at work…so I will need to look for a new job soon….


I also do feel….drained with a lot of things that have happened. apartment hunting. loneliness of where I am at the moment…rejection from film festivals for my short…the list just goes on and on….it’s been the most challenging month of the year by far. it really has been.

I’m glad I’m not acting out but I need to anticipate that it can be just around the corner unless I find stimulation from my values soon…like good stimulation that is healthy.

I do plan on moving in the next week or two so….that will be hard to do….


Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this past month, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?

I did OK. I’m glad there was no acting out but how did I balance myself?

well I went to physical therapy, I meditated, spent quality time with family and friends, watched movies, read, did ok in my job, brainstormed future creative projects, etc…

Looking ahead for the next month, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

yes…I do plan on moving….so that is something that will be very challenging….so I need to anticipate that I will be most stressed out 24 hours to 48 hours prior to the move.

I do think implementing night walks will be good to have before the move…I do think that will be helpful.

am i practice daily positive affirmations?

I am informally practicing them daily…such as I’ll look in the mirror and I’ll say some in my head. it would be good for me to write them down though again

what L&SA thoughts are in my life?

hmmm…well I think they’re just random like if I’m at the gym I have seen some people and I do try to note the romanticizing / sexualizing and it just comes and go. I do not completely trust myself yet with this though.

am i taking walks at night a few times a week to unwind?

I have been…last time I did was on last Friday….it does help though!

has my mind wandered towards nostalgia of video games?

no

am i committing to my job daily? or am i binging on work 1 day a week --- and working late into the night to catch up --- doing work that isn't urgent?

I am not. I am working but I am not immersed in it…I am doing my job but I can be doing better….i think this is important to note if I truly want to be caught up before the end of the year

am i eating normally?

somewhat…depends if I work out

eating junk food late at night? be mindful WHEN tired will get into bad habit for wanting to eat, even when not hungry.

hmm…a little but not excessive


binging of excessive electronic consumption? am I searching on the internet to procrastinate or relax…or am I using the internet to gain information, complete a task, learn more about something connected with my value? (don’t BS yourself with this)


YES…I am excessively on the internet. I think a lot of it comes back to fear of the unknown for my future…and there’s a safety when you search for some answer on google…trying to connect with other people’s comments online but I know deep down inside there comments are really not helpful for my life because….it’s a random comment on the internet.

I do think re-integrating the walk outside at night may be helpful to get out of my head as I wind down instead of getting locked on the internet.


did i do about 30 mins of errands other than the usual? if i am too busy to do 30 mins because working on a film project, how long do i plan to put these errands on hold? when will i plan to do them?

still a bit behind for this…

am I procrastinating on my phone such as searching for music?

not for music just googling unnecessary stuff.

SEXUAL MONITORING - MONTH 5

am i thinking of someone from the past month?

I have had thoughts of reaching out to person in LA that I met randomly on a bus a few months ago…I get confused whether I am romanticizing? but I know I don’t have a physical attraction…but I just think I don’t trust myself fully hanging out with someone one on one…even if in public….

I think just meeting up with her for something simple like coffee or lunch would be a good place to start / seeing a movie really late at night may not be the best option

am i attempting to impress an attractive person i have or not have talked to in the past month?

I felt I found myself flirting / being playful with someone at the pt clinic. again…I think human interactions are fine and such…and important…yet I question my motive by trying to make someone laugh when being silly…such as creating this fantasy within my head….

waking in up in the night with or without an erection in the past month?

no

am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)

yes still…the thoughts still come and go….

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past month?


not only 1 thing just things are a bit stressed out with looking for a new apartment…

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful in the past month?

no

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.

no…but I have felt extreme stress in terms of having these suicidal thoughts because I’ve felt so discouraged / overwhelmed with these rejections for my short film…and I have recognized I’ve put even more pressure on myself I think because of them in needing to do something that works…so I do need to just take a deep breath and to just relax right now…

am i fantasizing about living another life? a celebrity's life? looking up this person to gain more information to fantasize?

yes I am….some of it can feel helpful as I am trying to navigate my career path…but a lot of that can just turn to judgment…

I think it’s important to actually…NOT be searching on other people and the steps they took to make their life as an artist…I need to follow my foosteps…

do I then just block specific movie sites?

that may be helpful….

I think just any time I want to google…I need to get up and stretch…

practice my feet exercises / shoulder exercises / take a walk outside / write for a moment / have a healthy snack / practice writing mindfulness thoughts

those are a few things I can do instead….

I also need to remember that every moment is a moment to move in the direction that I want….and my life will either move forward or backwards. it’s hard to remember that when times are challenging…but it’s something to really think about….


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2021 12:46 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4095
Location: UK
Hi LK
great work

I really like
Quote:
I also need to remember that every moment is a moment to move in the direction that I want….and my life will either move forward or backwards. it’s hard to remember that when times are challenging…but it’s something to really think about….


albeit thinking about also needs enactment

any news on your status change to Mentor?

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 04, 2021 10:35 pm 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 163
next steps to take on values...

Spirituality
*attend another meditation meeting

Creativity
*continue reading GoT book 2

Filmmaking
*fleshing out treatment for music video
*continue working on aspie treatment / just write it!

Nature
*taking walk outdoors
*perhaps going on another bike ride soon


Nutrition
*take night walks
Physical health
*continue icing my feet / stretching to heal them

Mindfulness
*continue working in compassion mindfulness workbook


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 07, 2021 8:52 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 163
HEALTH MONITORING - WEEK22 10/31/21 – 11/7/21

This week, I’m going to balance my life with the following values:
to focus on my job
creativity
organization --- moving

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

it came from…spending time with family and friends…such as….hanging out today with friends….that was good. it was also fun spending Halloween with family last weekend.

I think I also did good at work this week as well. and that was helpful


Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?


I think I’ve been draining myself with the amount of time I’ve spent on the internet looking up other people and how they achieve their success in filmmaking. instead of me just taking action steps towards making my next project happen…I’ve found myself procrastinating instead.

and as I know, procrastination is not helpful at all for me….so that’s really important to note….

I also have felt a lot of pressure on myself in figuring out the next step. considering my age, every step matters….and I feel very….very pressured in trying to make something happen…so I feel very concerned about that…


Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?

I did okay. I managed it by…going to gym….watching movies…
I did not feel it was great though since I do have difficulty waking up early in the morning still and it’s not how I like to approach my life…

Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

yes. I will be moving this Friday / Saturday. I expect this to be up there as one of the most stressful times this year….

what are my action plans? to continue to take caer of myself…by: working out, doing mindfulness, physical therapy for my feet, creativity etc…

what do I want to be mindful of the most:
spending time on the internet it can be such a black hole…..


I anticipate that Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday will be the most stressful days this upcoming week. I need to anticipate….

for example….i think the best one to anticipate is that I move in this weekend and or ////the upcoming week.

I am alone. I have my internet set up. I feel sad and lonely in a new apartment all by myself….

and then I have a thought --- to just look someone up on social media.

I actually think right now I should deactivate my social media I think that would be helpful for me.

I have a thought --- to look someone up on social media --- and then…I can just with the thought…close my laptop if I am on my computer, and take a walk outside!

or…yes I am on my laptop…and then I can just…..close it, take a walk outside, note the sensations…and maybe give someone a call to connect





how many times a week did I work out last week?

about 2x?

did I spend quality time with friends and family?

yes some quality time

what is my specific action plan when I do not want to get out of bed in the morning / I am thinking?

GIVE ME THE F*KING BALL
I think I feel like a lot of my life I’ve acted like this wounded animal…and I just feel like in order to become the person that I know I am inside I need to stop directing my anger towards myself and to use that anger to p[ropel me forward in life


to allow it to set me free

but how do I do that though? how do I do that though?

I am not sure…I just do it.


what is my specific action plan when I am thinking before I go to bed?
to think about how fucking amazing I am and to use that energy to gently go off to sleep


what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?

seea bove


how am I handling random sexual / romanticizing thoughts that pop up into my head?

i am letting them there….but I think I can just embrace them more in the future…..to embrace them with cuirosioty….OH…that is that thought….what does that feel like


to really embrace it and be propelled by them to take action instead of passibvely allowing hem to stir in my mind

how much time am I spending on computer procrastinating?

a bit too much
I can work on propelling my life forward whever I feel downward and that is just energy thati can sue towards building my life


when can I practice learning a new language?

I can…whenever I have a moment to practice….i kno I did before at night time I thikn

what’s my plan for getting a new job? when will I work on it?

in the new year

what’s my plan for dating? when will I work on it?

to work a bit more on my boundaries before I get back to it
and to see if I can join some virtual speed dates
some in person speed dates and take it from there



SEXUAL MONITORING – WEEK22 10/31/21 – 11/7/21

when I am attending a new public place, do I roleplay healthy reactions?

yes I am. so when I go to the gym tonight I can think of ooooh that is me feeling triggered…what does it feel like in my body? can I just note it and see where it takes me from there?

am i thinking / fantasizing of someone from the past, present, or future?

yes? I did reach out to that person today who I met on a bus a few months ago. I know I want to reach out as a friend, yet it’s hard for me to trust myself. at the end of the day, I’m going to continue to need to put myself out there to meet people.

but this felt okay though

what is my specific action plan for going to the gym and feeling triggered?

to be curious of sensations and to embrace them

what is my specific action plan for when thoughts start to sexualize others when feeling overwhelmed?

to ride out the anxiety

what is my specific action plan for managing sexualizing thoughts when return back to office? romanticizing colleagues?

at the moment, it didn’t seem too bad…but I think I need to just….i need to just acknowledge and accept them as they are as they are

waking in up in the night with or without an erection?

I did have a slight arousal the other day. that was one that has not happened in a few months.

am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)

yes they still come and go but need to just be gentle and kind with myslf about it

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past week?

yes I think the whole googling other folks is extremely unhealthy for me. I think I need to isolate this impulse.

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?

no strong urges

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.

no hit, but I did have a slight arousal when I woke up about two nights ago.

what is my specific action plan when I fantasize about another person’s life?

to use this energy to build myself up.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 09, 2021 1:06 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 163
Kenzo wrote:
Hi LK
great work

I really like
Quote:
I also need to remember that every moment is a moment to move in the direction that I want….and my life will either move forward or backwards. it’s hard to remember that when times are challenging…but it’s something to really think about….


albeit thinking about also needs enactment

any news on your status change to Mentor?


hey Kenzo

thanks for stopping by! yes i completely agree as i'm starting to understand in my life...a vision without action is only a dream.

unfortunately no news yet about my change in status...i brought it up to Cheryl but she still hasn't changed it...hopefully before end of this year.

-fm fka lk


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 12, 2021 11:36 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 163
need a check in right now. I am…after living with family for a year…finally moving into my new apartment today! well the start of it. officially moving in tomorrow and sleeping there tomorrow.

crazy. so…I know this is a stressful week for me…and I anticipate the stress level will be highest….tomorrow..and will continue at least for the next 2-4 weeks…


so how do I plan to handle things…

well I know my biggest action plan is that…
I am alone in my apartment tomorrow night. on the internet. wanting to search for someone especially now that I am back in LA and want to go out and reconnect with people…I need to remember to:

just get off the internet / laptop phone
take a walk outside. look up towards the sky. explore the new neighborhood….
feel a sense of peace as I breath in and take in the surroundings.

I also would like to see if I can buy some new books to read…especially in the genre that I want to work in. I’m sure there will be a barnes and nobles or something nearby…..

i can also remember that around 8pm I can wind down and I can spend time off my computer…so basically to not be on internet after 8pm….

I will be moving into a new place so I have plenty to do



what’s another action plan that I can implement….

well to be honest there is this one person that I’ve thought about connecting with.
it’s completely something from my love addiction.
reality testing is that I just don’t even know her…doesn’t matter we went to high school together that’s just an excuse for justifying that.

I personally need to remember my plan for going out and reconnecting with new people now…which is all people that I can meet in person…OR if it is on the internet you know to have it like virtual chats or whatever that are set up through social sites.

in short…I do NOT feel comfortable with reaching out to random folks on the internet to try to get to know…even if they live in the same town as I do and I also “know” from high school.

I may adjust these settings / boundaries of mine in the future…but especially getting settled down…the answer is no.

I think it’s great that I reached out to that person though the other day…but I did meet her in person two months ago and we connected on similar values when I met her…so I know it’s not just based on physical attraction…though my romanticizing mind wants to create a dream that is not there….but I can just note those random thoughts and sensations and to continue to remember they don’t own me…they are just thoughts.

this exercise helped me the other day when I did reach out to this person the other day…and I did start to romanticize the future with her…BUT I was able to simply note those thoughts, and to allow them to just be. it did give me some confidence that I can eventually return to meeting people and just recognize that thoughts are just thoughts.


so in short…especially for the next few weeks…
to reconnect with my old friends in this city
hard boundaries:
to not be contacting pretty strangers on the internet, which also includes that person from high school…cause she is still a stranger to me since I do not know her

to not be joining any dating apps / sites at this time…

HOWEVER I do like the idea of joining like a social / virtual get to know people in your area kind of sites…but that are not dating sites since I do not feel comfortable with that yet



I think it’s also important to focus on rebuilding some of the values that I’ve lost during time living with family, which includes:

cooking! / nutrition
organization

I also do know there are some new values that I do want to strengthen such as with reading more source materials to help develop new ideas in the genres I want to work in and to strengthen some habit routines such as:

for taking breaks when working:
posture
mindfulness



for nightly routine:
foot stretches
mindfulness / self compassion
writing ideas down


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2021 1:38 am 
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Quote:
They identify their future with a healthy person that once used addiction to manage their life; not as an addict that is managing their life with healthy behavior.
They see their lives as a continuous process of growth and development, rather than an episodic book of starts and stops. (e.g. "When I was addicted" "After I recovered").



the quote is from lesson 13.

unfortunately, the first one is definitely a challenge for me. especially since i do have random sexualizing / romanticizing flashes throughout the day at times. i know how to manage them and to observe them and to stop them....but i think it's difficult for me to connect with this point because i still have to "manage" these thoughts.
however...if i think about it...that i am using these healthy behaviors for observing these thoughts and noting them...instead of going on a downward spiral with them...i think that's important to recognize...

overall, i think i do have less downward blackhole spirals because i am learning how to observe thoughts, feelings, sensations instead of identifying to them....i've learned that mainly from another health based program, but no matter how i learn, just that i do.

i consider that a "healthy" way of approaching life.


on the second bullet point, i do think it's interesting that i actually did have this perception that my recovery would be split up in two pieces: healthy vs not healthy. i think i misinterpreted other members journals on here that when they had their "aha" moments that they somehow transitioned into health and were not addicts anymore....

i think it's just a series of small steps towards the end goal of living a life in health. is that a straight path? no, of course not...but that's why health monitoring is such a crucial component for my life / recovery.

-fm fka lk


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2021 1:20 pm 
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HEALTH MONITORING – WEEK23 11/14/21 – 11/21/21

This week, I’m going to balance my life with the following values:

the first days will be focused on work…on autonomy with work…
afterwards it will be focused on time with family and friends

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

a lot of it came from my head? from fantasizing about wondering to be in a different place and time…

unfortunately, I did not feel fulfilled at work…
creatively I’m struggling to connect with my music video…I feel like I shouldn’t even be doing it but I am and I think my self esteem did take a low turn recently and it’s why I’m working on this project instead of a more challenging fulfilling one…

I did feel some fulfillment going to the gym.

a little bit from cooking but it wasn’t anything enjoyable

Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?

yes absolutely…moving into an apartment that unfortunately does not feel like the home that I anticipated it would be. it’s incredibly disappointing since I thought my “vision” of my apartment would bring me fulfillment, yet unfortunately it was not based on reality and based more on a fantasy…even though the fantasy seemed to be connected with my values….but I just needed something more simple instead of being in this loud, busy part of town…

I may move again….but I just do not know….

Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going
out, how well did I do to manage my life?

I think I did okay. I managed the best way I can which is fulfillment from seeing a friend yesterday, though I question my motive if now it seems like it was connected with my love addiction of spending quality time with someone who I would not date at all…though she’s a friend and not someone I would date but I’ve found myself playing tricks on myself yesterday

I know the best way is to just stop them in their tracks just by noting…thoughts, person, friend, future, thoughts, etc….and I can create a break by going up to bathroom and having that moment where I can have some space.

I do think having those moments are most challenging when socializing, yet those are also the most crucial moments.

Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

yes….
it is thanksgiving and my mind seems to be all over the place at the moment.
unfortunately, because of my choice to hang out with my friends indoors unmasked at their apartment last night, I may not be invited to thanksgiving with family this Thursday. I feel like I’ve put myself in this risky situation and it’s confusing.

so I need to anticipate:
having thanksgiving maybe not with my sister this week
having thanksgiving with friends instead?

anticipate…do I move this week?

I think…the idea of moving right now during thanksgiving is setting myself up…

i get it, I think for the long term it’s probably better for my mental health to move right now….but for the immediate short term it’s probably putting myself in a more vulnerable situation.



so how do I manage this?

I think I can anticipate that I will be lonely this week, which can be great time to get organized in my apartment, except I don’t really like it here…so I don’t feel motivated to stay and I would rather leave….

so how do I manage this…I can work creatively / work out / cook…

I can try to get into a routine of some of the other things that are important to me…I also think trying to connect with family and or friends will be important to me to balance this out since this is the first thanksgiving that I will be home alone.

I need to anticipate that there will be moments where I will want to consider dating and now is not the time during the holidays….

so I need to be mindful that rejoining social media now is not a good idea at all…and to basically….if there wa s a moment where I wanted to google search something late at night that instead I just go outside take a walk / read a book.

I think I want to buy that book perhaps to read that I can potentially make…

how many times a week did I work out last week?

about 3x

did I spend quality time with friends and family?

yes

what is my specific action plan when I do not want to get out of bed in the morning / I am thinking?


this has been difficult for me still. I think just reminding myself…may I be kind / may I be happy…

what is my specific action plan when I am thinking before I go to bed?


may I be happy…may I be kind…

what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?

well see above on the thanksgiving one…

I think it’s important to be very mindful….this week….on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday….

those are all really important days…considering these are days off from work…I can see if I can establish a routine of working out, making a good meal, doing something creative / organizing my home…

at this time, I do not think it makes sense for me to leave my apartment and look for another place. that sounds incredibly too stressful right now…
however, I do not want to unpack my place…so I want to have it tidy without having all of this junk….

how am I handling random sexual / romanticizing thoughts that pop up into my head like seeing old friends?

well this is really important…I think I need to just note it…person, friend, friend…every time it comes up….

and to feel a sense of expansion if I give myself the space to recognize this…
I think it’s interesting I think she’s someone I contact when I don’t have anyone else to contact? hmmm like a crutch? I don’t think it’s healthy…so when do I spend time with her? or do I break off the friendship? well it’s not her, it’s me…I think just noting the sensations / thoughts to not be so identified with those ideas is important

how much time am I spending on computer procrastinating?

hmm…not excessively at the moment….more just other thoughts / fantasies….and I can note them as well…thought….future….future…future….

when can I practice learning a new language?

I think whenever I’m driving…

what’s my plan for getting a new job? when will I work on it?

I’m not sure yet…I need to continue to get back on top of my work…

what’s my plan for dating? when will I work on it?

I definitely feel insecure about dating. I do have action plans that I’ve made for dating, yet I just don’t trust myself. I think the only way is for me to slowly put myself out there and to build some confidence in myself…

I may start in mid December to see if there are any online events I can attend…



SEXUAL MONITORING - WEEK23 11/14/21 – 11/21/21


when I am attending a new public place, do I roleplay healthy reactions?
am i thinking / fantasizing of someone from the past, present, or future?

yes…and no….i’m not as tangled up but at the same time I know when I am still scanning…like I did when I was at this restaurant last night….

I would really like to make it a habit to just get up to go to the bathroom or something when I do that….

since I think it’s a habit of mine to glance at a table and then to glance again if that person is attractive, which was the case. I justified it though because I realized I wasn’t attracted to them after I learned more about who they were hanging out with…bros…and they didn’t seem as appealing…

but I think it’s an important habit to continue when I see people out and about…whether at the office, at a restaurant, or on the street. person….may she be well. may she be happy.
actually the affirmations seem a little forced…the simple noting really helps…and if I want to take it to the next level,then I can try that…

what is my specific action plan for going to the gym and feeling triggered?

see above…

what is my specific action plan for when thoughts start to sexualize others when feeling overwhelmed?

I know the 5 finger rule is really helpful for me to continue to do that…I do like that a lot. also I can make sure to carry my little notebook in my pocket whenever I may need it…

though I feel this almost feels like resistant…instead of just….embracing whatever the anxiety is…

what is my specific action plan for managing sexualizing thoughts when return back to office? romanticizing colleagues?

to continue the noting practice as well…

waking in up in the night with or without an erection?

no

am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)

I still do have random flashes and images. it’s actually mostly associated with family members as I think it’s my way to manage the intensity of my feelings for someone….it’s weird.
like I get a little overwhelmed or I am a little anxious and I have that flash.

I actually only started getting these flashes last year when I moved home…the ones concerning my family…or those closest to me…though it may be with others but that’s the ones I remember / feel most annoyed with…

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past week?

um….ironically no…

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?


no but I anticipate that I may have urges leading up to thanksgiving and then after thanksgiving…

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.

no

what is my specific action plan when I fantasize about another person’s life?

to recognize that I am fantasizing about someone’s else’s life.
accept or turn towards this idea
bring curiosity into those thoughts and sensations.
simple note the thoughts that I am having
rest in awareness of those thoughts


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2021 2:20 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 163
i need a quick check in.

i had a urge (thought, slight sensation) last night when i was getting ready for bed. this was definitely anticipated as i am alone right now on thanksgiving day for the first time in my life...well i'll be seeing family later today but i am usually back home for the holidays.

however, i'm glad my action plans are kicking in automatically and i was able to initiate my action plan of just getting out of bed immediately and taking a walk outside...noting the environment. i had to do this twice.

i know in terms of urge control this may seem good. however, when i look at the rest of my life in terms of building my values i am not too happy.

some action plans that i need to initiate in the next month or so for some values that need further development. to be frank, i've spent probably too much time focusing on my filmmaking value and other values are not as developed. i think i'm also recognizing just how...i've ignored these other areas of my life for years for far too long. it's easy to feel sorry for myself. it's more challenging to get myself out of this hole that i've put myself in. i'll need to remember that there is a LIGHT above me that i can reach. i can get there closer and closer. day by day...as long as i take action steps towards building a fulfilling and content life that i am so capable off and that i deserve.

values that i want to focus on developing...in chronological order:

autonomy
1) catch up for work by 12/1/21 --- specifically in my tasks tracked on evernotes and to take action steps on all of those that are past due

2) start job searching
3) apply to new job
4) interview prep for a new job
5) get a new job

*note i do have doubts on the type of job that i want. a creative vs one related with my current day job. creative one will take more time...yet i need to leave though...even though one involved in a creative would be more fulfilling. i wish i had the answer to this, yet i do not at the moment.

dating / socializing
1) find HEALTHY options for socializing / meeting others online that are for locals
2) maybe attend a toastmasters?
3) connecting with new friends in the local area --- people that i know that are in the area that i have yet to meet up with


filmmaking
1) continue brainstorming next ideas for future short --- have an idea locked by 3/31/22

physical health
1) continue getting back into routine of going to gym at least 3x a week

nutrition
1) continue getting back into routine of cooking own meals again




all of my values that i have at the moment:
autonomy
spirituality
creativity
filmmaking
family
friends
physical health
nutrition
organization
mindfulness


i also need to anticipate that i will continue to have urges throughout the rest of the holidays. i will be seeing family today, yet i will be returning back to my apartment tonight. i plan on seeing friends / family during the weekend, yet i will again be returning alone to apartment. i also expect there will be holiday blues this Sunday night.

so...during these moments of loneliness and during the moments of where i can continue to grow...this is how i will like to face this unique opportunity...

i am most vulnerable when it is late at night.

this should not be too bad to face though since i most likely won't be out too late. i think i would like to read during these moments when i come home alone. i have yet to finish book 2 in GoT...and this will be an excellent time to finish this book.

i also would like to make it clear to shut down technology during the late evenings and to get connection from reading / writing if i have the desire.

i can also use these moments for writing down positive affirmations and / or ....observing my thoughts.


at the end of the day though....6 months to a year from now. i need to know that....i do hope to be making strides for dating. i truly feel like this will be the biggest test towards my transition to health. if i am unable to date and manage the rejections with healthy choices...then this will be a severe blow to my confidence in terms of building a healthy life. but i know life is not black and white...it's built in small moments....so i can continue to work on refining my action plans so i can continue to grow and face the obstacles of life in health....


*also i need to schedule an appt with a new psychiatrist. i've been off my medication for the past seven months...well on and off on one of them and i can definitely see the results affecting my overall life. i do think that medication may be what i need for my life, though i do not like the idea of taking them.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2021 4:10 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4095
Location: UK
Hi FM
congratulations on your status change
you have changed and will continue to do so as helping others is bound to help you
keep up the good work
Quote:
i had a urge (thought, slight sensation) last night when i was getting ready for bed. this was definitely anticipated

however, i'm glad my action plans are kicking in automatically and i was able to initiate my action plan

i know in terms of urge control this may seem good. however, when i look at the rest of my life in terms of building my values i am not too happy.


nobody can be too happy but for sure you know that in yourself you are so much happier than was Lost Kid

Quote:
some action plans that i need to initiate in the next month or so for some values that need further development. to be frank, i've spent probably too much time focusing on my filmmaking value and other values are not as developed. i think i'm also recognizing just how...i've ignored these other areas of my life for years for far too long.


you are mentoring yourself and doing so very well

Quote:
it's easy to feel sorry for myself. it's more challenging to get myself out of this hole that i've put myself in. i'll need to remember that there is a LIGHT above me that i can reach. i can get there closer and closer. day by day...as long as i take action steps towards building a fulfilling and content life that i am so capable off and that i deserve.


:g: :g: keep on making those positive choices

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 29, 2021 11:09 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 163
@kenzo thanks for the support :) appreciate it

HEALTH MONITORING - WEEK24 11/22/21 – 11/29/21

This week, I’m going to balance my life with the following values:

I need to focus on autonomy…I need to catch up with work by 12/3/21….

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

hmm…it came from:
well definitely writing yesterday
thanksgiving with family
going to do some working out as well such as running

that’s probably the majority of where my fulfillment came from

Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?

yes…I was drained yesterday when I kept on having these urges that started to appear in my brain. I went on walks…several…and that was the best way that I could manage them. I managed.

I was also drained by being alone in my apartment on thanksgiving day. this was my first time I was alone on thanksgiving and it definitely was challenging for me to accept that.


Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?

frankly I’m actually proud of myself. I used a lot of different tools for managing this stressful week…such as connecting with family, friends, working out, creativity (watching meaningful shows, reading), filmmaking, mindfulness


Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

hmm…well honestly the most challenging is just behind me right now. it may be a bit bumpy for the next few days…but I just need to buckle down at work. I think I may need to get some caffeine tomorrow. I think that boxing class in the am would be perfect for me actually.



how many times a week did I work out last week?

about…4x? Sunday….Saturday….Thursday….Wednesday

did I spend quality time with friends and family?

yes I did

what is my specific action plan when I do not want to get out of bed in the morning / I am thinking?

to say give me the water.

what is my specific action plan when I am thinking before I go to bed?

may I be kind! may I be happy!

what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?


hmmm….well I did have some insane fantasies / urges about wanting to go to see a prostitute. so assuming I have any crazy thoughts like that I can continue to get out of my bed and go for a walk.

how am I handling random sexual / romanticizing thoughts that pop up into my head?

I’m doing OK. I would like to still deconstruct the moments that happen….and to just imagine that I am FINE and okay even if I feel triggered / have a random sexual image.

such as if I am with my sister and she takes a step closer to me I can just note any thought / image that comes up…and to connect back to reality…


how much time am I spending on computer procrastinating?

umm…not excessively….since I knew this was going to be a stressful week so ya

when can I practice learning a new language?

I have not committed to this…

how do I plan to find a new apartment? when will I work on it?

I might see another place tonight

what’s my plan for getting a new job? when will I work on it?

to continue to job search…

what’s my plan for dating? when will I work on it?

I would like to take 1 tiny action step before the holidays

what’s my plan for working on my photography portfolio? when will I work on it?

I think I need to figure out what specifically I want to focus on as a hard skill…and then go from there…whether it’s photography or editing or something like that.

I feel like I need to do that…I would say perhaps in the evening if I write in the am?

what’s my plan for working on my next film project? when will I work on it?

I’ve started to already. I would like to a little bit tonight


SEXUAL MONITORING – WEEK24 11/22/21 – 11/29/21

when I am attending a new public place, do I roleplay healthy reactions?

sometimes. I don’t roleplay ahead…it’s more just in the moment when I see someone. sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. I think it would be helpful for me…to continue to roleplay and to imagine me having healthy interactions with them…

so like I saw a person at the gym, I can simply just note…person….person…and that’s it…


am i thinking / fantasizing of someone from the past, present, or future?

yes I’ve had random thoughts. I can continue to note them as…person…person….person…thought…whenever they arise…

what is my specific action plan for going to the gym and feeling triggered?


to think of attractive people as simply just people. and to be curious with the sensations that arise during these moments. what is it that I am feeling now? and to sit with those sensations.

what is my specific action plan for when thoughts start to sexualize others when feeling overwhelmed?

if possible, to take a walk outside and to note the sensations.
if cannot take a walk, then to note my immediate surroundings. and to get grounded from noting it.

what is my specific action plan for managing sexualizing thoughts when return back to office? romanticizing colleagues?
to continue the same plan when at the gym. person…person…sight. sight…person….may I respect others.

waking in up in the night with or without an erection?

YES unfortunately i was very much triggered last night due to holiday blues…but I managed it the best I could. I wish I got up every time a thought came up, I did not…but overall I’m happy I do have an action plan that actually works…and I just need to continue to take action.

am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)

unfortunately, I still have these random thoughts…but I am confident that if I can just simply identify the thought as just thoughts…it will help create some space between the sensations and the thougths…and to not be so identified with thoughts that appear

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past week?

no

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?

yes…I did…it was thanksgiving

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.

YES I DID. when I was dosing off to sleep, and I kept on having these ridiculous urges / thoughts about prostitutes…I finally realized that I was feeding this habit loop by being in this half state sleep / awake of thoughts. I could feel the heart beat beating faster….this sensation that needs to be isolated. I then finally got up and had cereal. I know…was not the most value based action but it did break the spell.

what is my specific action plan when I fantasize about another person’s life?


I think I can just wish them positive thoughts…may they be happy…


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