Recovery Nation

review of lesson 5
career
spirituality
connection (family / friends)
nature
physical health
creativity
commitment
autonomy
honesty
kindness / mindfulness
organization
culture

renting an apartment in 2016
values for this decision
location --- close to work --- and thus would have time to work out, write
affordability --- autonomy --- can afford and save money
nature --- so close to work I could walk to work
organization --- would allow me to be more organized with my life since would be close to work

choosing a job in entertainment field
creativity --- would feel like I’m part of something important to me
autonomy --- would provide income to support myself


moving to LA
creativity --- would pursue something creative
family --- would be close to sister
adventure --- would be going on an adventure
autonomy --- would be independent from parents

HEALTH MONITORING – WEEK27 1/2/22 – 1/9/22

This week, I’m going to balance my life with the following values:

kindness

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

it came from…spending time with family….some stuff for job.
not much for creativity really….

Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?

yes my job search. and my job. and also this job prep with this coach that really derailed my weekend…even though I hired him.


Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?

I did ok…I still was having these obsessive thoughts that I realize is a huge issue to move past my addiction…and it connects to taking action on only 1 value or so and being obsessive about it. but it starts with the thoughts. but maybe I can reverse engineer it by the actions that I take…

Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

well yes there is some work to do for preparing for interviews….and about job stuff….and my short film…but I’ll be okay

how many times a week did I work out last week?

about three times or so and it felt really good

did I actively listen to others?

not in particular…

did I share or empathize to connect with others?

yes I did with my parents when they were visiting….it was good to see them….

did I actively share kindness with others ie. showing appreciation, gratitude, gift, etc.?

no

am I being absolutely honest with myself?

I am now. I need to be to fully commit and to fully live in health. no more half in and half out. I need to fully commit to this now. I have a life to build and I want to achieve it. I want to be happy in my job. and to work towards building my career. to eventually have a partner…and to have take care of myself spiritually and physically. I know these things are achievable I just need to move forward.

I need to put boundaries on my obsessive thinking. it usually happens at night time or in the morning. those are times when I would act out in the past.

I need to also remember…when I catch myself living vicariously through someone to gently bring my attention back to the now.

I think the thing is…I don’t just lie on bed….even though it’s my bed…it’s a place to relax…not to get stressed and to ‘think’…which is what it has been. if I can change my relationship with my bed, that may help me in terms of my thinking and obsessions.

I also need to recognize that when I have these obsessive thoughts and / or these random flashes…that they are simply that. I cannot change them. I just need to breathe into them. and practice rain…get myself ready…acceptance…investigate…and note it. that’s all I can do

what is my specific action plan when I do not want to get out of bed in the morning / I am thinking?
see above


what is my specific action plan when I am thinking before I go to bed?
may I be happy 

what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?
hmmm…well the gym!
so if I see someone and I want to double look I can just tell them in my head ‘may she be well’.
and I can walk into the gym knowing that I am fine though. these are simply people around me working out. and that I can note the sensations and that I can build my integrity that I don’t need to keep secrets from myself and the rest of the world. they are here and I am here too. we are all here together and the thoughts….i can recognize….and that is that. they’ll come and they will go. they do not own me.

I own the destiny in my life. I take responsibility for my life and my thoughts. the thougths do not define me, but they will not control me….they are only that.

how am I handling random sexual / romanticizing thoughts that pop up into my head?

it’s been challenging. I am actively seeking to shift my perspective from a fear based to a curiosity based.

what’s my action plan for being on dating apps, and using them as a healthy way to connect with new people?
not to use them!

when can I practice learning a new language?
when I can talk with my mom

what’s my plan for dating? when will I work on it?
I may join a matchmaker but…not right now…

BOUNDARIES WITH INTERNET:
am I checking my email multiple times a day? what can I do instead?
I’m still checking but yes I can use positive affirmations
positive affirmations

am I checking my phone first thing in the morning / emails? what can I do instead?
do pushups?

am I browsing on computer when I want a break?
what can I do instead?
take a walk outside.

am I on the internet at night time before bed?
what can I do instead?
take a walk outside

when I want to check in on phone on social media, what can I do instead?
pull up the UA app to check in / mindfulness…
boundary: to not replace social media with UA since it will lead to the same thing

SEXUAL MONITORING - WEEK27 1/2/22 - 1/9/22
when I am attending a new public place, do I roleplay healthy reactions?

yes

am i thinking / fantasizing of someone from the past, present, or future?

not 1 person specifically

what is my specific action plan for going to the gym and feeling triggered?

to just recognize that everyone around me is just working out! any thoughts and just let them pass. I do not need to fear this. I need to embrace my identity. my core identity. and I need to embrace that I can live with HONESTY with myself….

I can be HONEST with myself and I do not need to hide from the world. my thoughts are the actions the world sees of me.

what is my specific action plan for when thoughts start to sexualize others when feeling overwhelmed?
to note the fear! it’s okay….they will fade. I will disconnect from the romanticizing / sexualizinig. it Is not my fate.

what is my specific action plan for managing sexualizing thoughts when return back to office? romanticizing colleagues?
like the same way when at the gym! to just note. recognize

OH I did have a thought about contacting a colleague and asking her out. but again…I need to meet someone in person. I don’t think that’s a thought I want to indulge on.

waking in up in the night with or without an erection?
no

am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)
yes and I will move beyond this
am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past week?
I would say it was my job…but that’s why I need to follow my boundaries to protect these values and to stop when it’s at 6pm

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?
no

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.
no

what is my specific action plan when I fantasize about another person’s life?
to disengage. take a walk outside. remember the beauty that you have in your own life. also perhaps attend a UA meeting this Wednesday!

lesson 6 review
Filmmaking
write short film
share notes with colleagues
anticipate rewrites
anticipate feeling judged

physical health
continue going to gym
anticipate resistance for going a few times a week
anticipate feeling triggered
anticipate judgment of myself

mindfulness
listen to UA modules
anticipate resistant to grow
map out habit loops
anticipate resistance to revisit modules

i wonder...could a part of me still prevent myself from fully committing because of my dream to make movies? did i actually think (lying to myself) that i can only make movies unless i devote myself completely? as in...not through managing my life in health?

i don't know the answer. i do know though that this hurts my self esteem. and making movies is all about believing in yourself. in fact, so many areas of my life lack the belief that i need to be successful. why would i continue to let myself down here?

this is not a post to beat up on myself...but just trying to uncover some knots that i'm in right now....

i also think i was doing better at the end of 2020 before i moved home for a year. i don't think i had all of the life skills to manage that change. but that's life though. and it's only about now learning the skills to manage those changes...in health.

i need to let go of these obsessive flashes that are happening now. i think i thought i was changing their pattern by role playing but i think it's making it worse. i just need to be objective with them....and have some distance from them. i will move beyond this.

lesson 7 - review
i've included all of the major values below...

Filmmaking
write short film
share notes with colleagues
anticipate rewrites
anticipate feeling judged

physical health
continue going to gym
anticipate resistance for going a few times a week
anticipate feeling triggered
anticipate judgment of myself

mindfulness
listen to UA modules
anticipate resistant to grow
map out habit loops
anticipate resistance to revisit modules

practice being kind with myself
expect to judge myself when I am having a hard day
expect that I would not want to be kind to myself when I feel “I deserve to be hard on myself”

practice kindness with others
expect to want to lash out if I am triggered by someone
expect this will be difficult when I am angry and or anxious

spirituality
practice meditation on a daily basis
expect to want to avoid meditation after struggles with meditating in the morning recently

attend a meditation session with teacher

connection (family / friends)
listen attentively to family, friends
share vulnerable feelings when have a moment and it’s appropriate
spend quality time with family and friends --- such as doing something new and fun
anticipate that listening may be challenging if feeling triggered
anticipate that being vulnerable may not feel natural / may feel awkward


nature
taking walks outside when overwhelmed, or just at night time to get out of my head
notice the trees, the environment, etc.

go on another hike in the near future
anticipate feeling like I don’t want to go on a walk outside
anticipate resistance of wanting to do something outdoorsy / fun

physical health
continue plan of going to the gym a few times a week
anticipate resistance for going to the gym due to other things happening in my life
can expand on plan to go biking again in future

creativity
finish reading book 2 of GoT
watch movies on list of things to watch

commitment (overarching value)
commitment to the tasks that I do --- the goals that I set for myself…
resistance to complete things because feel overwhelmed
staying honest with myself / is this

autonomy
get another job
resistance because I’ve been at the same job for over six years

organization
strengthen bullet journal
check in with yourself at the end of the day
get back into a routine of waking up everyday
keep the apartment tidy

expect resistance for wanting to do things / may forget
expect resistance that you can do it in your head, instead of remembering that it helps to write things down…

culture
try new ethnic food cuisines
practice speaking a language when have a moment
resistance of learning a new language

lesson 10 - review
I continue to deceive myself. I think with the fantasies. I think the absolute honesty can be helpful to include my thought process. am I being absolutely honest that this is a realistic goal to achieve? I’ve had thoughts that seem unrealistic ambitious goals instead of just something that is grounded in reality…

the boundary of not being absolutely honest…that would be important to include. I think for me….it may be helpful to have that with achieving goals…..it’s better to aim for small, measurable goals that can help me achieve my goals instead of bigger ones that will take much more time / sound almost ridiculous at this time to do.

I did not include honesty in my thought process / as a value to actively develop before. I would like to include it ---- as something as part of my daily conversation with myself. that who I am is what the world perceives me to be. I think that’s why I want to job transition so badly so I can align with something that I identify with…instead of displaying to the world that I’m something that I do not connect with.


a list of all items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior?
it would just really be the internet…but I have my blockers set up.
so I don’t have anything at the moment. though I do know apps need to be….watched out for since there is always something to download from them.

V.
I have a very extensive list the first time around. I won’t write them all down here…but I would say that it’s shifted to the people that I see most often that I have been triggered by. it has shifted more towards family members and people that I would see at the gym. I do believe though there is this shame that feeds onto itself that has made it worse. I do think acknowledging the shame helps lessen the grip that it’s had on me. I also do know roleplaying the action plans before going to the gym does help.

VI. all of the places where I go to act out compulsively.
again I would say it’s mainly: laptop, phone, going to the gym, spending time with family

again I do have action plans for all of my thoughts that want to wander…but I think just sitting with the shame is most helpful at this point.

HEALTH MONITORING - WEEKLY

This week, I’m going to balance my life with the following value:
strengthening absolute honesty with myself.
I want to do this by checking in with myself...am i being honest with myself? does this decision align with the rest of my values? decision / thoughts...

The past week, I focused on developing the following value:
well I focused on developing a bunch of different ones through the daily monitoring

Did I actively seek out to practice this value over the past week?
yes --- I was tracking on developing my daily values

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

hmmm….gosh….this past week was a mess. I would say a lot of it…since last Sunday came from time with family. there was some development in my script…not as much as I would like.

some time in fantasy too about the future / living abroad, yet now recognizing those are probably not the most healthiest thoughts for me.

Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?

I think I’ve been drained about my bedtime routine and how I’ve been waking up SO LATE….it’s a bad habit and I need to give myself some grace. I would like to apply the roleplaying technique to imiagining that I am waking up when my alarm goes off. I meditate on my couch and then I start my day. I feel excited to start my day after meditating and I am grateful that I have an opportunity today to live a life that is committed to myself. a life that is committed to developing the things that I truly value. the things that re grounded in reality. and that I can move forward with those things that I care about. but I only starts with committing to starting my day. so let’s keep that in mind.

Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?

okay. I’m glad I worked out. I’m glad I ate healthy. and I’m glad I did get some work done in terms of my script.

Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

yes I do have a phone screening this week for a job interview. I also have a test this Sunday to see if I can do a possible freelancing gig. I need to just commit to practicing and preparing for these type of things.

Am I obsessing with one value?
no

are my thoughts obsessive about one thing? if so, how can I redirect my attention to the present?
I’ve had ocd loops on living abroad. doing things like that. shooting a movie abroad….but I need to redirect my attention to making my short script the best possible short I can right now.

what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?

oh! I’m going to the doctor’s on Tuesday. I know last time I was there, felt a hit from a girl who was checking me out.

I can imagine myself being at the doctor’s….seeing someone….attractiec…and thinking….may she be well. may I respect her. may respect myself. and feeling a sense of pride for living the life that I choose. for building a life that I want with the role playing and that I can choose the life that I want with the visions that I can make.

I wonder how this would be for my upcoming test. for alter today. I imagine myself imagining how to use this gimbal. and I know how to balance it out. and that’s it all balance and I can feel a sense of pride for figuring this out and actually learning how to balance this out today that’s my goal.

how am I handling random sexual / romanticizing thoughts that pop up into my head?

I’ve been OCD about them. but I want to approach hem as I’ve been doing with roleplalying since this morning. a sense of pride. thoughts are just thoughts. and I will let those thoughts pass. but let me respect myself. and I can feel a sense of pride for for allowing the thoughts just fade as I can build my life now.


is my mind fantasizing about unrealistic expectations and goals to achieve in the future? if so, what’s my action plan to redirect my attention to the present and focus on developing values?

yes. I am. I can focus on….just….whatever it is that I am focusing on. if I am at work….at my day job…I can focus on getting stronger in filmmaking…..and that I need to get on tjop of m job to do the things that I really care about.

I want to commit to becoming a filmmaker. I want to commit to doing that. let me commit right now to learning this camera testing. I can continue to redirect my attention to where I am and to master whatever it is that I am doing though

SEXUAL MONITORING - WEEKLY

when I am attending a new public place, do I roleplay healthy reactions?
am i thinking / fantasizing of someone from the past, present, or future?

yes.

whenever I think of that one person right now….i can just gently let her go….and think may I respect her. may I respect myself. and to allow her to just fade as just a thought. and I can focus o developing the things that I do have control over in my life now.


am I feeling connected with the roleplaying?

I did today

waking in up in the night with or without an erection?

no relevant

am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)

yes…but I do find that if I can connect with the roleplaying…it can change things

am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past week?

no

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?
no

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.

no
what is my specific action plan when I fantasize about another person’s life?
to think to myself…may I respect myself….may I respect this person….and to kindly focus on the things that I am doing and derive stimulation from that. if I need a break…I can also just do that and take a walk outside and derive stimulation from being in the moment.

review of lesson 11

i wrote a lot the first time around, yet i'm just sharing my current progress after the life assessment:

i also know my main compulsions at the moment are just with the thoughts, and less on the acting out. it's the OCD thoughts. but i feel roleplaying can help with it...and focusing on my values...

progress goals I've made progress towards a recommitment in a different way. Towards a recovery on a moment by moment basis more than anything.
slip relapse proximity
Oh ya well downloading the dating app that i thought would be good for me but it just triggered me and brought out a lot of shame and guilt from all of the thoughts associated with downloading the app.

likely triggers going out, being on the internet, etc.
top 3 values 60%
top 10 values 20%
emotionbased unhelathy 10%
chores 5%
family 20%
friends 10%
alone 30%
sexual 0
romantic 10% (thoughts
recovery 15%

healthiest Healthy
unhealthiest Fairly Unhealthy
overall Healthy

review of lesson 12

They often jump from addiction to addiction, and are particularly susceptible to hyper-religiosity and hyper-recovery. They put out fires by refocusing on other areas of their life. When these areas involve compulsive behavior — their use of addiction to manage their lives continues.

They often attempt to convince others of their recovery by offering their "new identity" as proof. Again, most often seen with hyper-religiosity and hyper-recovery situations.

this is something i've felt for the past 2 years. i thought that since i was so focused on making movies now...that this was proof of my new identity. instead, i just think this was me switching from 1 addiction to another instead of building ALL of the other areas of my life to build a foundation

They tend to hyper analyze their actions, thoughts and feelings...and make the possibility of living a "normal" life all but impossible.

this has also been an issue ever since i've had some slips. i would hyperanalyze and i would get into this hyper recovery mode where i was not aware i was obsessing. i thought i was just making recovery my priority but i think again i was just obsessing instead of internalizing everything that i've learned onto here...

Significant others tend to experience these individuals as exhausting. Capable of achieving anything they set their minds to...though unsure of what it is they will eventually settle their minds on. The relationships themselves tend to be selfish, focusing on the "addict", more so than the partnership. While love and admiration and long-term stability can still be achieved, it is often at the expense of the partner's individuality.

again...i feel this is a reflection of maybe not committing to my values. of not being 100% committed to something unless i'm obsessed with it. i want to find commitment to things that i do care about as well....and to build those areas of my life too.

Relapse triggers are feared, and so their lives continue to be altered as a result of addiction.
i think this goes with the hyper analysis mode where i can just analyze things for the sake of being so afraid of moving backwards that the overthinking prevents me from moving forward.

They tend to focus on controlling past behavior, rather than learning new behavior.
i've definitely learned new behaviors for managing compulsions..

They consistently measure the success of their recovery through abstinence, rather than emotional stability and personal satisfaction.
not as relevant but still easy to point to.

just checking in.

I’ve been resistant to post this because I didn’t know what it meant…

i had some insight after looking at my progress on RN over the past two years. it’s clear that moving back home for 1 year definitely increased my anxiety, made it much more challenging to rebuild the other areas in my life by living with my parents, and seems to be at a crux of where a lot of my obsessing / increase in sexual images started.
obviously, I am responsible for making the decision for going back home, it was very insightful because it made me realize that it’s not just a random pattern but an effective and efficient stress management pattern that I used --- even with my best efforts to try to stop it --- it actually only increased my resentment more.

taking Adderall recently has helped with the spontaneous sexual flashes recently. though I know this is not a long term solution. it’s interesting when reading other people threads on those who have obsessive thought compulsions like I do…that there really is a battle going on in our heads to try to break free from it. it makes me feel better that a) I’m not alone and that b) fighting it only makes it damn worse.

I also think there’s a deep shame that I simply did not forgive myself from my internet binge last march. I think this deep shame, without space of forgiveness for myself, has allowed it to vortex and increase in anxiety / increase in shame / increase in sexual images. it’s all connected together. the most important thing is to be kind to myself / to forgive myself.


i also have been reevaluating my values recently. I think that a lot of my values were too…much based on things that I can do like going to the gym, cooking, etc…instead of internal values such as honesty, kindness, etc. it’s been good this past week trying to get in touch with my honesty meter. am I being honest? was that the right decision? is this the right decision? it’s helpful and I think it may actually be helping me trust myself more…instead of just not trusting myself.


finally, probably the most important one is role playing. I’ve really taken this much more seriously to actually experience / feel / visualize something that would be triggering for me / make me feel uncomfortable. I realize if I can experience the role play…and really use the fantasy to my advantage…it can help align with how I want to act such as…respecting someone that I see who is triggering such as at the gym, at the pharmacy, etc.

also important to note that role playing can work the opposite as well. such as i was attempting to role play whenever i would have sexual flashes / this actually only increased my anxiety around the images instead of just allowing myself to forgive myself...

this has been helpful. I just want to document this so I can look at this in the future to assess my progress.

overall, I do want to recomplete these lessons. I don’t want to go into as much detail, which I went into wayyyy too much depth the first time around, and just grasp the bigger idea / things that I’ve might’ve missed. so here’s to feeling better and rebuilding a balanced life.

also…in terms of complete honesty…I realize my thoughts about success in the film industry are really not healthy thoughts for me. they’re really not. the fantasy about how someone else made it compared to where I am at is not helpful or supportive for helping me move forward. I have some projects that I’m working on now and I can only be grateful that I can move forward with those projects…and most importantly…to not be consumed by any. I know there will be a time when I will be working intensely…but not right now….

review of lesson 13

Patterns that I relate to:
• To see "how far they have come". This is a behavior that is often witnessed in adolescent wound care — where the adolescent almost compulsively tears open their bandages to "check the wounds". Of course, just like with addiction, such behavior is often problematic — as it opens the individual up to additional infection. But it is a behavior that provides comfort to the adolescent — no matter what stage of healing the wound may be in.
• They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
• That all that matters is that they were made with the right intentions in mind.
• They are not focused on controlling/ending their past behavioral patterns, but on developing new patterns that will take the place of those related to the addiction.
• Relapse triggers are experienced not as a threat, but an opportunity.
• They identify their future with a healthy person that once used addiction to manage their life; not as an addict that is managing their life with healthy behavior.
• They have developed the ability to produce the same emotional stimulation from value-based actions as they once derived solely from impulse-based actions.

Yes my current patterns are focused on my prioritized values (autonomy and creativity)…

HEALTH MONITORING – WEEKLY

This week, I’m going to balance my life with the following value:

kindness
The past week, I focused on developing the following value:

honesty

Did I actively seek out to practice this value over the past week?

yes --- it was mainly just with myself…just trying to see whether or not I can be honest with myself…and all of that stuff…

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

to be honest…a lot of it came from watching television…like too much time spent
there was fulfillment that came from…my job…preparing for video work….
and also thankfully spending time with friends yesterday…that was really important for me and good for me to do…

I think I spent too much time watching tv so I will make an adjustment for that this week.

Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?

yes I’ve been drained with my job search / hunting. it comes down to not sure what to do and also having fear of committing to something else other than my change because of fear of the unknown of what will happen to me if I leave.

the fear and anxiety was draining and did not serve me well this past weekend

Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?

I did not do well. I think because I watched a lot of television that was a form procrastination..

Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

hmmm…I need to prepare for putting in some work on this interview coach. I think this can be really helpful and I need to take it seriously if I want to leave my job…and I am feeling the consequences of when I don’t commit to an opportunity like this past weekend and it really hurts

Am I obsessing with one value?

I would say…not obsessing…but I would say I didn’t have tight boundaries with watching television and I don’t think that was great for me…

well I would say I do feel drowned with trying to get another job. another accounting job? a freelancing film job? time for writing my own creative projects? I’m just overwhelmed and not entirely well at the moment so I hope to get well soon with all of this…..

are my thoughts obsessive about one thing? if so, how can I redirect my attention to the present?

i would like to practice the noting exercises as well in conjunction with kindness this week

what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?

I think going to a pt session on Friday. also going to the gym. I can continue to roleplay like I’ve been doing recently.

how am I handling random sexual / romanticizing thoughts that pop up into my head?

I’m just letting them pass. they actually seemed to decrease a bit the past few days which is good.

is my mind fantasizing about unrealistic expectations and goals to achieve in the future? if so, what’s my action plan to redirect my attention to the present and focus on developing values?


I think so unfortunately. I think I had this whole idea of freelancing but I wasn’t willing to put in the work and I’m suffering the consequences like I did this past weekend by not doing well for this pitch video I made. I think it’s just really important to remember the consequences when I am not committing to myself…that the consequences are real and are hurtful. and it does not align with the direction I want my life to go.



SEXUAL MONITORING - WEEKLY

when I am attending a new public place, do I roleplay healthy reactions
am i thinking / fantasizing of someone from the past, present, or future?

yes I do roleplay. I’ve had random flashes of romanticizing someone to meet. however, I just counter this with “may I respect her, may I respect myself”. this has helped recently.

am I feeling connected with the roleplaying?

yes thankfully

waking in up in the night with or without an erection?

yes I actually was waking up half aroused in the morning the past few days…I know it was anticipation for this weekend and unfortunately I did not perform as I anticipated….my fear of failure manifested….and it’s disappointing to say the least.

I’m not interested in strengthening that habit of failure…so I need to visualize success for things that will be challenging and then implement an action plan to achieve that goal…

am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)

yes I’ve had some random flashes


having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?
not strong urges. I do anticipate that I may have urges though in the next few days due to the disappointment from this weekend. I do think it’s important for me to focus on developing my values of kindness…
how will I do this?

i will want to be kind by:
offering phrases to myself
feeling it in my body
offering phrases to strangers
offering these phrases to those when I am feeling inpatient and I want to snap at someone

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.

no

what is my specific action plan when I fantasize about another person’s life?
may I respect myself..

review of lesson 14

I think the two biggest things to take away from this is:

when things are actually being tracked done….to bring it to the monthly schedule….

to not just ingrain it and then forget it…but to ingrain it and to track it on a longer schedule.

such as I was tracking honesty this past week. and I felt good about it. but I want to focus on another value this upcoming week.
thus I should ensure that I’m tracking it on a monthly or quarterly schedule.

that’s how to evolve the process….

that’s the best way to avoid complacency for this…

just for the exercise, here was my most recent daily health monitoring…though I am using the weekly monitoring at the moment….

1) PHYSICAL HEALTH --- did I practice stretching exercises for neck and back today?
2) PHYSICAL HEALTH --- did I ice my inflamed feet?
3) FILMMAKING --- did I work on breaking my short film before end of year?
4) CREATIVITY --- did I read a few pages from GoT?
5) NUTRITION --- did I seek out opportunities for a healthy meal?
6) AUTONOMY --- did I connect in job searching today?
7) RN – did I work on RN lessons today?
8) FAMILY --- did I engage in healthy and fun times with family? did I practice being present?
9) NATURE --- did I take a few moments to be outside today?
10) MINDFULNESS --- did I listen to a module on UA?
11) Did I roleplay on breaking any upcoming urges?
12) How would I rate my emotional balance out of 10?
1= severely depressed, 10= at peace

13) How would I rate my anxiety out of 10?
1= severely anxious, 10 = no anxiety
14) What have been the sexual or romantic fantasies today?
15) Has my body felt any arousals / hits?

review of lesson 15

how were these introduced?
*love: emotional neglect from parents…
new values associated with behavior:
romantic partner ---love is magic ie. it forms from immediately falling in love found in movies.
such as I was 5 years old and I was kissing a girl in my bed and thought this was how love is formed because I saw this in a movie earlier

*if I felt emotionally neglected as a child…or if I felt I was not worthy enough for it….then it makes sense that if I found some sort of immediate gratification --- that I would see in movies where they immediately fall in love….and that I can then apply that same type of relationship in my day to day life when I would see that in movies…and I would ultimately be creating movies in my head by doing that…where I would see someone and then apply what I’ve learned from movies onto a person…and then I would develop a relationship in my mind with that person...almost like in movies. like I wouldn’t even need to talk to that person to develop this relationship I can just see them and then roleplay scenarios with that person.

*sex: saw my first porn video with friends when 12.
value associated with this behavior: intimacy
*I could develop intimacy with porn PLUS also the romantic intimacy I learned associated from movies before to nurture this lack that I have in my life
*I would be able to develop intimacy alone with the computer. I would then realize that this…ability to just essentially have this transactional experience with a video…I can apply in real life such as with prostitutes. but for me…it was always the video experience that was the biggest high. the prostitution was more of an idea…and it can go there…but the images and the videos were more than enough to create intimacy

*behaviors of the thoughts do continue on because it is efficient life management tool. even though the acting out has decreased significantly. I am in this process of retraining my brain when I am out. I do not entirely trust myself but I will need to learn to trust myself through the process of roleplaying…

what have i learned past 2 weeks?
roleplaying…will allow me to update the reward value in my brain. just like I would roleplay the immediate gratification of escape in my life by ie….romanticizing someone….or imagining pornography to watch later when I was in 8th grade…I can do that same type of role playing of LEARNING TO TRUST MYSELF. that I will manage my life in health.

I can roleplay feeling comfortable out in public
or feeling comfortable out with talking with a girl
or roleplay that

I think I’ve gotten into roleplaying the thoughts that I want to think of during those moments --- but I want to focus the roleplaying on the experience --- the feelings --- the confidence --- the trust that I am healthy and that I will continue to move towards health

oh my god....i just had a thought that connects the pieces in my life together.

recovery and my life...are the same. i knew that...

but there are two pieces that are connected together, that are not fully developed yet:
my confidence / belief in myself

it's like...if i can build the confidence...that i can live a healthy life....that can give me the confidence to do the other things that i want to do in my life. it's not like i need to live a healthy life and sacrifice the things that i want to do in my life...it's like the confidence that i can gain overall can be connected to everything.

this confidence comes from many things like value development, managing urges etc....but i truly think i want to focus on roleplaying visualizing myself acting and living in a way that i truly see myself....and to connect with that person...and to live my truth