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lesson 20 - review
What has addiction played in my life?
as I review this question again…sheesh.
well from when it first started…when I was in elementary school…
I think it started as day dreams of someone. like I was….ten years old and I remember there was a girl in my class that I got along well with…and imagined us having phone conversations after school. like I just imagined me calling her and talking to her and things like that.
actually...it was earlier. it was the love addiction that took root earlier. I remember I was about five or six…and I remember watching a movie about a coupe and they had a romantic kiss. and when I was having a playdate with this girl…and remember kissing her really tight in my bed. and it was so weird we were just looking at each other the entire time. I didn’t know what I was doing and neither was she. I don’t know if I was just trying to experience that this is “love” but that’s at the very least what I thought it was.
it was sweet.
by the time I was in middle school…it definitely took a more sexualized role from the love addiction / romanticizing role earlier. I first learned about pornography at a friends place when sleeping over when I was 12.
it’s important to note that when I was 11 I got straight As. but after that…it was difficult for me to perform at that level with the increase in pressure on me to perform well.
I did some sports after school like I ran track…but again…it was always difficult for me to perform well under pressure.
by the next year, I was masturbating and fantasizing to my teachers. again….this all seemed normal since I knew other kids were attracted to the teachers so I just thought ‘normal’. and maybe it was.
a girl did have a crush on me when I was 13 but that was it though. I didn’t really like her but it was nice to feel like someone liked me?
during this time period though…I don’t think I really experienced deep loneliness though. the masturabtions and all of that didn’t take root yet in my life. it was all just experimentation.
when I turned 14, and my brother went to college, that’s when my life took a turn for the worse. no..my parents didn’t get divorced but he was the rock in my life. and when he went to school, and I couldn’t see him, that’s when addiction really started to kick in.
the increase pressure of performing well in highschool. the loneliness with my brother not being there. with my parents working and coming home alone.
I also started to feel this pressure of choosing who I was supposed to be in my life. I wanted to do theater, yet my dad wanted me to play sports. I of course did track. it was things like this…of living this life that was not congruent with who I am…and projecting this person of things that weren’t necessarily that important to me…that became so important for me all of a sudden….while ignoring the things that were deeply important to me.
I also did gain an interest in photography at this time and video…but again…I did not have support from family to pursue this…so I neglected this part of who I am.
anyways…addiction was there for me again. my old friend. I found myself more addicted to online videogames when I was 14…especially since I struggled making friends and the online videogame community was at least something.
it then progressed to…more pornography by the time I was 15 and I had to manage the pressure from finals….
when I was 15 was when I had my first real crush too…and when things didn’t progress…again I always had pornography to go back to.
it was like I had my values…friends / family / working out / some creativity (poetry, guitar, some short films)….but whenever something dealt with rejection…like it was always connected back to my crux of pornography to manage the rejection or the increase in pressure of school.
by the time I was a senior in highschool…I had my own recipe of managing my emotions, which were basically…porn, alcohol, and sometimes videogames.
with the few rejections that I had in highschool…I truly struggled in overcoming these social barriers that I had in place…and it was difficult for me to move forward…I started then to believe that I would be alone forever…probably the most painful belief…and that I would at least some sort of fantasy that I could rely on to keep me safe.
it makes sense. the pressure from my father to be someone that I wasn’t…plus my own insecurity in following my heart….and plus my own life management strategy that I had developed…porn + romanticizing any woman + alcohol…that was my coping strategy for life.
sure I had other interests…but the things that truly kept me safe from the world were the only things that I could control…the only things that I could control how to stimulate my emotions.
that’s what it really was though.
by the time I was in college --- there continued to be this separation between pursuing what my father wants --- and what I want. do I go to business school or do I follow my own creative dreams? at the end of the day though…it really didn’t matter what I would do though because I don’t think I had the emotional management system in place to overcome rejections, failures…and to persevere through the difficult times to achieve real and fulfilling goals.
anyways…by the time I was a freshman in college…I was still active in other areas of my life such as…rowing, school, friends, etc…but nothing romantically. and plus, I still had my life crux of porn plus alcohol here. this was still my go to that would be for me for years. I did not have any girlfriends or dates. a few random hook ups but that really wasn’t my thing because I did not develop the social skills to have anything substantial and / or real.
I didn’t put in the time or the work for developing this important area of my life. and I don’t think I really needed to because of porn. and also by the time I was a sophomore in college I just got magically swept away by some girl I made out with at a party. and it was ‘love at first drunk sight’. and she was ‘different’ and ‘like me’. and all of this stuff.
my emotional management system was just based on getting immediate gratification from those around me…instead of developing something authentic. even though I wanted to, yet I didn’t know how.
when I was entering my junior year, I took a summer film course, which was such a big place in my life. I remember I didn’t watch porn as much…though I did go to a strip club after I finished the course.
but it was again --- the social isolation that lead me to further relying on porn even more so.
when I returned back to business school that fall…I also decided to quit the crew team since I was adding more work to my courses by turning my English minor into a major….so now I would have 2 degrees…but it didn’t matter…because I cut my social network off by quitting the crew team, I was living off campus, and…I was so lost because I felt I had “no choice” but to finish business school instead of making movies…and it was so heartbreaking for me…that again…my one reliable friend was pornography. and it deepened to watching transgender porn…which was mixed with shame and also novelty / excitement for something so new in this whole porn world.
also when I studied abroad a few months later, I then just stumbled upon prostitution…my boundaries of who I was / what I was doing slowly deteriorated…or actually rather deteriorated quite quickly during this study abroad trip. we were all drinking every night, and I just happened to be the guy who ended up paying for escorts a handful of times.
again by this point…my dreams of who I was in this life were buried so deep inside my soul…but the only way that I could find a way to manage it was through these short term immediate gratficiation goals…such as…porn / prostitution / falling for a girl and falling madly in love / videogames / alcohol….
they were all the same thing and all the same end result…it would make me feel good for a moment before it was cut off.
again…on the outside…I looked normal. sure I was awkward. and no I didn’t date, but it was college. I worked out, I had solid grades, and I had group of friends since I was likable.
but really I was alone…I didn’t date since I didn’t know how to. I was so afraid of rejection and I was terrified to pursue the things that mattered the most to me. I hated business school but I felt I couldn’t choose to live the life that I wanted to so badly. I built this perception based on someone that I really wasn’t and it drove me mad.
during this time…I also started experimenting with online dating / online hook up sites. I didn’t have the courage to meet anyone in person, though I did send messages, but the fantasies were enough to keep it exciting….to keep the whole lie….something real…
by the time I was entering my senior year in college, I met someone that was an absolute disaster in my life. she lived thousands of miles away, yet I thought because she was just like me, it was meant to be. it was an absolute disaster. I stopped focusing on my grades, I isolated myself from friends, and I spent majority of my time talking and thinking about this girl who I never met before.
I truly believed that at this point that life was…only meant to be happy in fantasy. nowhere else…especially someone who has such a creative mind…but I couldn’t use it / do anything with it…it was absolutely destructive for me to not use it at all…
anyways…I romanticized her…and I also managed to masturbate on a daily basis. she didn’t like my use of porn, yet that didn’t matter anyways.
i thought she was the answer to my problems in my life…and that this whole idea of being “happy elsewhere” became my reality. if only I could live with her. if all of that. after it ended nine months later after meeting her in person…then that felt like a huge blow…but also a huge realization…because it was a few months after college ended that…I realized….i might be a porn addict.
it should also be noted that at this point…I had no job lined up. no career set up even though I graduated with two degrees. I wanted to work in film but I had zero experience other than a few unpaid gigs. I was so naïve how the world worked, and my social skills were exceptionally deficient due to falling on the asperger spectrum plus not putting myself out there by not taking risks in social situations…
anyways…she was this huge source of stimulation and when that ended, I thought I would jump into going into transgender escort places. I was terrified of doing that…as I was just starting my recovery when i graduated from college.
when I graduated college…life obviously changed dramatically from something of a normal structure to me getting out there in the real world. I definitely used alcohol and pornography for stimulation during this transition, even though I was eventually breaking up with pornography.
less than a year after graduating, I moved to LA to find work in the entertainment industry. at this point though I was abstinent from porn for a while. I was actually proud of myself during this time of trying to balance my life without that source of stimulation and I felt like I was making progress in terms of therapy and stuff.
however, due to my deficient social skills, it was incredibly difficult to get a new job for me. I would go interview after interview and not get a job. or I would get a job and get let go a few days later. it’s sad to say…but about 1.5 years being in LA, I saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with asperger. I remember she told me that having a “balance” of masturbation was healthy. of course, I took this to heart and then saw porn that same night.
even though I was “abstinent” during this time…I didn’t really use RN for maintaining / managing slips / roleplaying / boundaries, etc. I used it to build up my values but not for anything else. this then lead back to this slip / abstinence period with porn for some time. I then was able to cut off porn, yet it switched to youtube videos.
at this point…I also struggled with meeting people in person to go on dates. I would ask people phone numbers when I was out, yet no one was really interested in getting to know me.
again…due to this struggle…I then turned to online dating, which seems like a normal and harmless way to meet people.
and harmless it was until….i feel like I met a therapist who wanted me to explore dating these group of people that I used to watch porn over….mainly transgender women and older women…
again…I felt like this opened up a whole new to channel my addiction. at this point I thought I was moving on. I wasn’t watching porn…or youtube videos that were sexualized…it was now just done on the online dating world.
I also think during this time I was working in my first full time job as well. i think I felt good in terms of my life and it was good to meet new people.
I then got another job when I was 27….that was scary though. the increase stress with the commute, and pressure to perform….it was not something that I was happy to be in…for some time…plus my first like girl that I was dating ended in a few months and I was pretty devastated.
anxiety and depression came over me.
I then met someone else from an online dating app…and I never thought she was the one but it was a very romanticized / sexual relationship where we dated for about six months or so. about six months into it…I realize that she was not a good fit for me and I ended it.
at this point…to deal with the loss…I then turned back to online dating apps. again, I now didn’t watch porn for several years so I thought I was on my way towards a healthy life.
but throughout that year…I was using dating apps for completely getting immersed into fantasies…
I would either be fantasizing about dating someone, or I would date them just for the hookup. and I think I definitely learned this from that person that I was with for six months because it was completely based on sex instead of anything authentic. sure we watched Disney movies…but at the end of the day I only dated her for that long because I was attracted to her and nothing else.
I then realized that things were getting out of control and I turned to SLAA. I felt more a sense of balance. but then instead of dating apps…I then turned my compulsive energy towards something different….working out.
I did this obsessively working out for about six months….monitoring my nutrition calorie intake obsessively, working out 5-6x a week…
and then when I got bored of that…I then joined this writing class.
and I thought that this was the class to help me with my filmmaking journey. yet it really wasn’t…it was just another form of procrastination.
but I became obsessed with it anyways….and other values like may job started to take a back seat, where I even thought that staying in this job was a “sacrifice” for my career, which is complete bullsh*t.
at this point…I stopped dating completely in 2019. I then started meditating that same year and felt it was huge for me…in terms of achieving balance. but that is only one small part of recovery…I remember I went to a pride parade that year and I acted out watching porn…twice in a span of two weeks. again…shame came over me. how could I go back to that again?
I then decided to date later that year…but rejections just lead to…either surfing on the internet looking for a hookup….or searching for prostitutes on 1/5/20…which was the breaking point for me.
at this point…my whole focus of life shifted to a hyper recovery mode. I think at the time I thought I was focusing on building other values, which I was…but I think I became so obsessed again with RN now…that I wasn’t using everything to connect to on my day to day life.
I also think I just became burned out on it.
and then in July 2020…I started to make movies. this was probably one of the only obsessions that would last longer than just a few months. I just couldn’t stop it.
at this point though I completely removed myself from dating and / or dating apps.
I then decided to check out dating apps on 3/25/21 and went on a several hour binge of searching dating apps. I know now that this was a result of finishing my short film and seeking a reward.
this slip was absolutely…very painful for me. I thought I was committed to my recovery before…but it took on a whole new level after this where I truly started committing RN into my day to day life. from roleplaying, boundaries, action plans, reactive action plans….
not just obsessing over the lessons but integrating it.
I knew though that I was spending way too much time developing my filmmaking value compared to other values….and I think that’s where I am at this point now.
in December 2021…again…I checked out a new dating app that was supposed to be good for meeting people…but after a week on it I had to delete it…since I found myself abusing it. it wasn’t a binge that I went on like before…but I could feel the same rush…and it was very disappointing.
I knew I had to redo the lessons….to integrate things more into my life.
at this point….now in february 2022…again…I find myself continuing to integrate everything more into my life. the roleplaying is not simply just a to do list…but something to actively connect and engage with. the values are there for me to derive stimulation from. the boundaries are things I need to gain confidence in.
and I truly do know my obsession on focusing on one thing at a time really needs to be…split into different values for long term growth and fulfillment.
i fear that addiction may be there if I allow it to. If I choose to let it…pervade different parts of my life. or to get addicted to this person. or compulsively eat, play videogames, filmmaking, etc.
I think the thing that I fear the most is obsessive with filmmaking…since art does require a lot of passion and commitment. so I do need to be mindful of finding that balance as I move forward and not to just do it in isolation like I did during the pandemic.
I do feel that addiction may appear again when I lose my parents. when my parents are no longer with me. or when I lose a significant partner. a break up. if a sibling passes away…or when.
also if I make a movie and it does not pan out at all. it just gets rejection after rejection.
i feel for me…it depends how balanced I am how addiction can pan out.
I think it can be like a whisper. just like seeing someone and getting a little hit.
like last night I was a bit annoyed with myself when I went out to cvs, and then there was someone that my brain saw and I wanted to make eye contact / see her face. is she pretty? she looked pretty. I got annoyed that all of that was happening. important to practice action plans when I am most vulnerable…such as alone and tired on a Friday night.
so I think addiction can appear like that. or it can also appear as a huge rush if I am caught off guard.
like it has the past few times. it starts with an internet search and then ends up on an internet binge.
I personally think that really is it.
I think roleplaying on using my computer is absolutely essential. ive roleplayed for scanning out in public --- but my real crux is the internet. let me change my relationship with the internet….and especially isolating on it when I feel lonely…and I may change the way that I manage my emotions through health.
I think that’s why I also felt a little annoyed last night watching kdramas alone. I don’t think I really wanted to do that. it is conneceted with my values but not this type of show. it just made me feel…not happy.
let me connect with other values that matter to me…not just tv…I mean…ya ik now what I need to do.
so ithink anything involved with very important values to me such as family, career, physical health….those are absolutely huge triggering moments. and those are moments when I would want to isolate like a wounded animal in the cave and just turn the computer on and disappear.
and these are moments that I can build myself up and get stronger and connect to the world. and things like that.
the computer isn’t bad…it’s just about my intentions…..
I feel like for me addiction may appear --- as --- either internet binges….call it dating sites, social media sites, house hunting, job hunting…
anything that is connected to values --- like a house, job, social (dating)….
and I can just get obsessed with it….
and I think I can confuse myself that I am putting in the work on something important for me when I am actually….just obsessing unhealthy about one thing instead of having boundaries on that one thing….
or it can also appear as getting obsessed with a value such as making a movie…and it’s during these stressful moments that I need to rely on my other values even more so to balance that stress and that obsession that I am focusing my time and energy on…in a way…I never thought of it that way….but by relying on my values during these stressful times…it actually not just helps give me more confidence for relying on my values and for building resilience…but I wondering if it would even have me get more out of my life…because I know I have tools and values that will stimulate me during stressful times….instead of thinking that I only need this one value to balance me / stress me out…I can have all of these other values that can efficiently balance me out during these times.
it doesn’t mean I won’t get unbalanced…but that I can manage it with confidence.
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