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Recovery Nation • View topic - foundman’s recovery thread - fka lostkid

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2022 12:22 pm 
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2022 12:30 pm 
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past few days…

it’s been quite interesting practicing the role playing in my head. either in situational or just how I want to perceive myself in the future. I do like it.

it’s also interesting how I can almost tell a difference when I’m at the gym though. I’ve found myself scanning twice since I’ve gone twice this week --- and there was almost an immediate shift inside me. the first time it happened I found myself running it through my head --- if I’m being honest with myself --- is this how I want to live my life? no. and I was able to shift my focus back to…me. the second time it happened I was just disappointed since I thought I should have learned from when it happened the day before.

however…I’m not discouraged because it helps me recognize that I have moments when I am acting the way I want to and then other times when I’ve found myself going back to old habits. however, I can update those habits by remembering the reward value that I get from it…which is that it didn’t help too much…or that it’s more just not the way that I want to be living my life.

and I can remember the feeling of just seeing people at the gym as people. and that I can be happy when I can get a good feeling from a work out and just being able to go there without any secret agenda of hoping that person will be my girlfriend, etc. though to be honest I did have thoughts of wondering whether or not I would see that girl again…from the first day I went to the gym. those were more romanticizing thoughts.

but I need to remember…if I’m being absolutely honest with myself…is that healthy?

i think there’s a slight difference that I want to focus on though. I do not think having interactions with strangers is a bad thing…I think it’s actually good…but I also don’t want to be creating those relationships in my head. in short, I want to be able to trust myself that I can just be in the world like a normal person. like a normal, healthy person who can engage in conversations to connect with someone for a moment or two and treat it like that instead of our destiny to be together. I want to roleplay on having moments like that. to be open…for the moment. instead of guarding myself from experiencing moments and that I need to guard myself from romanticizing thoughts…and that I can experience the confidence of simply just talking and connecting with others.

i think that is a huge learning curve for me. and that is what I can practice when I am out. I can engage with others. to connect for a moment. this will be awkward if I choose to do this…but I do think it can be a helpful exercise instead of romanticizing. tbd.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2022 4:21 pm 
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 30, 2022 4:48 pm 
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HEALTH MONITORING - MONTHLY

over the past month, have I continue to practice honesty with myself?

I have been. I would say…it’s been honesty with the little details. if I find myself scanning…I bring my attention back to me. it’s been easier to do that recently.

though not sure if the scanning is a result of me being so hyperaware / self sabotage / but I don’t think that’s the case.. I actually wish I was a bit more aware today at trader joe’s….but overall it’s been good.

Over the past month, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?


I would say the most of my fulfillment came from….job searching. or just putting myself in different opportunities either like preparing to do a freelancing gig that did not pan out….or just exploring options for that.

it’s also been good psending time with family too and seeing old friends again.

Over the past month, were there any situations or events that drained me?

yes…I think my current job has been draining. so it’s been good putting some effort into getting out of my current job either by practicing for interviewing and / or applying to some other places.

I’ve also found myself a bit drained I think just trying to figure out the next step in my life and I’m also trying to align how the next step connects to the end result. unfortunately, I don’t think it can really work that way. technically, the only way to get to the end result is the creative projects that I’ll do on my free time.

however, of course I would like a job that would lead towards that too…but nothing is for certain in the film industry.

so yes….i do feel a little sad about all of that. but I need to continue trying to develop other values to balance me out. I think my focus on my career is compulsive and I need to develop the other areas to balance me out (relationships, physical health, nutrition, etc.)


Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this past month, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?

I think I did okay. I think it was very helpful practicing the roleplaying. I think that did give me a big confidence boost in terms of dropping into my body and feeling my feelings and being able to create these ‘visions’ of how I want to be in the future.

Looking ahead for the next month, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

hmmm…I think I need to anticipate interviewing. which means I need to do probably get a haircut soon…

am i practice daily positive affirmations?

no

what L&SA thoughts are in my life?

just random ones. I used to have more earlier in the month and I think they’re draining out as I distance myself from my last slip which was a little over a month ago…and building more confidence with doing role playing.

I do believe the most important thing though is for me to balance my life with the different values that need to be redeveloped again..

how many times a week did I work out last week?
about 2-3x.

did I actively listen to others?
yes and no. this is challenging…but I can put this on a weekly list…

did I share or empathize to connect with others?
oh yes I most definitely did…it was good to reach out to others in need and to pay attention to others too.

did I actively share kindness with others ie. showing appreciation, gratitude, gift, etc.?
yes

am I being absolutely honest with myself?
yes more so than I have…I think

am i taking walks at night a few times a week to unwind?
I actually have not recently. this would be a good idea

has my mind wandered towards nostalgia of video games?
I think I’ve thought about playing videogames…but haven’t had the desire to

how much time am I spending on computer procrastinating?
ummmm….i did spend a significant amount of time unfortunately when I was job applying this week. I need to implement boundaries when using the computer for job applying…ie work in 20 min intervals


am i committing to my job daily? or am i binging on work 1 day a week --- and working late into the night to catch up --- doing work that isn't urgent?
no…I am not…that is why I am committed to leaving my job…

what is my specific action plan when I do not want to get out of bed in the morning / I am thinking?
get up Trinity!

what is my specific action plan when I am thinking before I go to bed?

may I be kind though I wasn’t using it recently but I can.


am i eating normally?
yes

eating junk food late at night? be mindful WHEN tired will get into bad habit for wanting to eat, even when not hungry.
no…just having sweets on the weekend which is fine for me

binging of excessive electronic consumption? am I searching on the internet to procrastinate or relax…or am I using the internet to gain information, complete a task, learn more about something connected with my value? (don’t BS yourself with this)
yes unfortunately with job applying I found myself going down the blackhole ie. comparing myself to others / looking at jobs that I wouldn’t realistically apply to but interest me because they’re abroad…again I want to try working on job applying in 20 min intervals

did i do about 30 mins of errands other than the usual? if i am too busy to do 30 mins because working on a film project, how long do i plan to put these errands on hold? when will i plan to do them?
um….ya I did some errands…it’s easier to get into a routine with this since I am now living alone

am I procrastinating on my phone such as searching for music?
not really but I did remove safari to prevent these impulses…

SEXUAL MONITORING - MONTHLY

am i thinking of someone from the past month?

I have thought of people that I can connect with in the near future but I need to remember that I am not ready yet….and an action plan I can implement is….in my head….is to see myself happy in the future…like happy inside with the balance that I have found….

so the action plan....is to let the thoughts pass. and to do the same thing such as at the gym / may i respect them. may i respect myself.

am i attempting to impress an attractive person i have or not have talked to in the past month?
no


waking in up in the night with or without an erection in the past month?
yes…I have a few times…due to a freelancing gig that did not pan out unfortunately

am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)
yes I still get flashes, however, the role playing has helped. excited / interested to see where I will be in the next few months with continuing to roleplay


am i obsessed with only 1 thing in the past month?

yes with my career / finding a new job. I DO need to continue to build other values, such as cooking / returning to the gym.

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful in the past month?

yes before my freelancing test and then last night after my father wanted to talk about it and really made me feel awful about it

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.

I did a little bit last night but I was able to isolate it

am i fantasizing about living another life? a celebrity's life? looking up this person to gain more information to fantasize?

I did a few times….which is why I need to roleplay / boundaries when using the internet! wow that’s a good idea to use my role playing that way…it’s not just with people around me that I can role play but situations where I have not acted the way I wanted to and then implement new visions for how I want to act ie. with roleplaying…

what is my specific action plan for going to the gym and feeling triggered?

to continue to practice roleplaying and feeling it…

what is my specific action plan for when thoughts start to sexualize others when feeling overwhelmed?

to simply note it. ideally to remove myself from situations but to just be curious of the thoughts…

what is my specific action plan for managing sexualizing thoughts when return back to office? romanticizing colleagues?

it’s the same thing at the gym….and to just be curious with the thoughts…and to allow them to pass…


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2022 1:01 pm 
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lesson 18 - review

spontaneous fantasies of family members
I am a bit overwhelmed
I have a random image pop up into my head of my sister (FANTASY + HABITUATION)
I feel shame of having that thought (CONSEQUENCE + TIME)
I have another random thought of it popping into my head (FANTASY + INTENSITY + HABITUATION)
It disappears
It may pop up into my head again
I can recognize that thoughts are just thoughts. Ritual passes



Searching on dating app
It’s late at night, yet I decide to go on dating app.
I see one cute girl, and want to send a message. (SENSORY OF SIGHT + FANTASY + ROMANTIC DELUSION + SENSORY OF TOUCH ON PHONE)
I decide to search for more sexual profiles. (SUSPENSE + TIME)
I find one person, and look at her pictures.
I feel a sense of arousal from the sexual pictures on there. (INTENSITY)
I see she has an Instagram, I look up the arousing photos on there
I search for other sexual profiles (SUSPENSE)
I start to send messages to others who are sexual (SENSORY OF SIGHT + FANTASY)
More time has passed, yet I don’t feel ready to stop (TIME)
I send more messages to people (SUSPENSE)
I find someone who is most bizarre (HABITUATION + FANTASY + SENSORY OF SIGHT)
I fantasize about paying her for sex (HABITUATION + FANTASY)
I reach a point where the fantasy is broken (ACCOMPLISHMENT)
I feel guilt and shame



Thoughts about reaching out to someone to date
I feel lonely
I entertain the thought of reaching out to someone that I know in LA (ROMANTIC DELUSION + INTENSITY)
I imagine the idea that we may be partners in the future (ROMANTIC DELUSION )
I entertain the thought that “it’s only just coffee” (ROMANTIC DELUSION + HABITUATION)
I imagine that she’s back at my apartment and we can watch a movie (ROMANTIC DELUSION + HABITUATION + TIME + INTENSITY)
I fantasize that I won’t have to be alone on a Friday night (ROMANTIC DELUSION + ACCOMPLISHMENT)
I recognize that…I don’t fully trust myself yet for dating (CONSEQUENCE OF ROMANTIC DELUSION
Fantasy is temporarily broken until I may feel lonely again (CONSEQUENCE OF ROMANTIC DELUSION)



interesting….recognizing that these three filters can be applied to other areas of my life where I have been obsessive about….


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 01, 2022 3:52 pm 
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lesson 19 - review

today so far focused on the ‘hyperawareness’…of connecting my actions with my thoughts and feelings.

it can be as small of a fantasy when I’m bored at work.

or the connection to that same value by putting more energy at work and feeling satisfaction.

i know it sounds silly --- but for me this hyperawareness made me feel like --- so that’s how I connect to my values throughout the entire day. obviously no one is thinking about this when they’re healthy…or not before they go and do something…but it’s just trying to get my brain to remember that…

so let me continue to be aware of my rituals / values / actions / thoughts / fantasies and see where they take me in terms of short term immediate gratification if any…and also the ones that are aligned with who I am.

continuing on hyperawareness today...
hyperawareness slid a bit after posting yesterday. well a little? anyways let's continue today. i have work to do now and let's use that value for connecting with it and see the thoughts and feelings associated with it. let's continue with doing that for all little moments as well...such as checking phone...what do i get from distracting myself? i feel the anxiety / tesnsion when i do that...
to more roleplaying today as well....


continuing on focusing on hyperactivity...

i had a thought to --- check this stock that has been doing well. i already checked it an hour ago, why do i need to check it again? i then had a thought --- about running it through my value system....

i was having cereal at the time when i was thinking this...and realized...how does it feel to connect to being hungry in this moment and being filled?

it's like....this compulsive behavior / thoughts that i have...they will continue to get directed from one behavior / value to another...unless i achieve b a l a a n c e in at least seven values. ideally the more the merrier...but at least seven to maintain that stability.

i used to always second guess and wonder --- but how will i do anything else if i don't focus on this one thing? the problem is that it is unsustainable to achieve fulfillment from 1 or 2 values. it is just not possible. it's only possible from a whole range....and to be developing them.

i used to think....to have my whole life revolved around 1 thing. to be passionate about one thing. now i'm like...what if i use my passion for living my life to its fullest? to use my passion and my energy and yes even my obsessive behaviors for being passionate about my life?

the biggest deficiency still by far are my social skills. i will need to put myself out there to build this....but for now....let's continue to achieve that balance.
every moment counts.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2022 2:48 pm 
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lesson 20 - review

What has addiction played in my life?

as I review this question again…sheesh.

well from when it first started…when I was in elementary school…

I think it started as day dreams of someone. like I was….ten years old and I remember there was a girl in my class that I got along well with…and imagined us having phone conversations after school. like I just imagined me calling her and talking to her and things like that.

actually...it was earlier. it was the love addiction that took root earlier. I remember I was about five or six…and I remember watching a movie about a coupe and they had a romantic kiss. and when I was having a playdate with this girl…and remember kissing her really tight in my bed. and it was so weird we were just looking at each other the entire time. I didn’t know what I was doing and neither was she. I don’t know if I was just trying to experience that this is “love” but that’s at the very least what I thought it was.

it was sweet.

by the time I was in middle school…it definitely took a more sexualized role from the love addiction / romanticizing role earlier. I first learned about pornography at a friends place when sleeping over when I was 12.
it’s important to note that when I was 11 I got straight As. but after that…it was difficult for me to perform at that level with the increase in pressure on me to perform well.

I did some sports after school like I ran track…but again…it was always difficult for me to perform well under pressure.

by the next year, I was masturbating and fantasizing to my teachers. again….this all seemed normal since I knew other kids were attracted to the teachers so I just thought ‘normal’. and maybe it was.

a girl did have a crush on me when I was 13 but that was it though. I didn’t really like her but it was nice to feel like someone liked me?

during this time period though…I don’t think I really experienced deep loneliness though. the masturabtions and all of that didn’t take root yet in my life. it was all just experimentation.

when I turned 14, and my brother went to college, that’s when my life took a turn for the worse. no..my parents didn’t get divorced but he was the rock in my life. and when he went to school, and I couldn’t see him, that’s when addiction really started to kick in.

the increase pressure of performing well in highschool. the loneliness with my brother not being there. with my parents working and coming home alone.

I also started to feel this pressure of choosing who I was supposed to be in my life. I wanted to do theater, yet my dad wanted me to play sports. I of course did track. it was things like this…of living this life that was not congruent with who I am…and projecting this person of things that weren’t necessarily that important to me…that became so important for me all of a sudden….while ignoring the things that were deeply important to me.

I also did gain an interest in photography at this time and video…but again…I did not have support from family to pursue this…so I neglected this part of who I am.

anyways…addiction was there for me again. my old friend. I found myself more addicted to online videogames when I was 14…especially since I struggled making friends and the online videogame community was at least something.

it then progressed to…more pornography by the time I was 15 and I had to manage the pressure from finals….

when I was 15 was when I had my first real crush too…and when things didn’t progress…again I always had pornography to go back to.

it was like I had my values…friends / family / working out / some creativity (poetry, guitar, some short films)….but whenever something dealt with rejection…like it was always connected back to my crux of pornography to manage the rejection or the increase in pressure of school.

by the time I was a senior in highschool…I had my own recipe of managing my emotions, which were basically…porn, alcohol, and sometimes videogames.
with the few rejections that I had in highschool…I truly struggled in overcoming these social barriers that I had in place…and it was difficult for me to move forward…I started then to believe that I would be alone forever…probably the most painful belief…and that I would at least some sort of fantasy that I could rely on to keep me safe.

it makes sense. the pressure from my father to be someone that I wasn’t…plus my own insecurity in following my heart….and plus my own life management strategy that I had developed…porn + romanticizing any woman + alcohol…that was my coping strategy for life.

sure I had other interests…but the things that truly kept me safe from the world were the only things that I could control…the only things that I could control how to stimulate my emotions.

that’s what it really was though.


by the time I was in college --- there continued to be this separation between pursuing what my father wants --- and what I want. do I go to business school or do I follow my own creative dreams? at the end of the day though…it really didn’t matter what I would do though because I don’t think I had the emotional management system in place to overcome rejections, failures…and to persevere through the difficult times to achieve real and fulfilling goals.

anyways…by the time I was a freshman in college…I was still active in other areas of my life such as…rowing, school, friends, etc…but nothing romantically. and plus, I still had my life crux of porn plus alcohol here. this was still my go to that would be for me for years. I did not have any girlfriends or dates. a few random hook ups but that really wasn’t my thing because I did not develop the social skills to have anything substantial and / or real.

I didn’t put in the time or the work for developing this important area of my life. and I don’t think I really needed to because of porn. and also by the time I was a sophomore in college I just got magically swept away by some girl I made out with at a party. and it was ‘love at first drunk sight’. and she was ‘different’ and ‘like me’. and all of this stuff.

my emotional management system was just based on getting immediate gratification from those around me…instead of developing something authentic. even though I wanted to, yet I didn’t know how.

when I was entering my junior year, I took a summer film course, which was such a big place in my life. I remember I didn’t watch porn as much…though I did go to a strip club after I finished the course.

but it was again --- the social isolation that lead me to further relying on porn even more so.
when I returned back to business school that fall…I also decided to quit the crew team since I was adding more work to my courses by turning my English minor into a major….so now I would have 2 degrees…but it didn’t matter…because I cut my social network off by quitting the crew team, I was living off campus, and…I was so lost because I felt I had “no choice” but to finish business school instead of making movies…and it was so heartbreaking for me…that again…my one reliable friend was pornography. and it deepened to watching transgender porn…which was mixed with shame and also novelty / excitement for something so new in this whole porn world.

also when I studied abroad a few months later, I then just stumbled upon prostitution…my boundaries of who I was / what I was doing slowly deteriorated…or actually rather deteriorated quite quickly during this study abroad trip. we were all drinking every night, and I just happened to be the guy who ended up paying for escorts a handful of times.

again by this point…my dreams of who I was in this life were buried so deep inside my soul…but the only way that I could find a way to manage it was through these short term immediate gratficiation goals…such as…porn / prostitution / falling for a girl and falling madly in love / videogames / alcohol….

they were all the same thing and all the same end result…it would make me feel good for a moment before it was cut off.

again…on the outside…I looked normal. sure I was awkward. and no I didn’t date, but it was college. I worked out, I had solid grades, and I had group of friends since I was likable.

but really I was alone…I didn’t date since I didn’t know how to. I was so afraid of rejection and I was terrified to pursue the things that mattered the most to me. I hated business school but I felt I couldn’t choose to live the life that I wanted to so badly. I built this perception based on someone that I really wasn’t and it drove me mad.

during this time…I also started experimenting with online dating / online hook up sites. I didn’t have the courage to meet anyone in person, though I did send messages, but the fantasies were enough to keep it exciting….to keep the whole lie….something real…

by the time I was entering my senior year in college, I met someone that was an absolute disaster in my life. she lived thousands of miles away, yet I thought because she was just like me, it was meant to be. it was an absolute disaster. I stopped focusing on my grades, I isolated myself from friends, and I spent majority of my time talking and thinking about this girl who I never met before.

I truly believed that at this point that life was…only meant to be happy in fantasy. nowhere else…especially someone who has such a creative mind…but I couldn’t use it / do anything with it…it was absolutely destructive for me to not use it at all…

anyways…I romanticized her…and I also managed to masturbate on a daily basis. she didn’t like my use of porn, yet that didn’t matter anyways.

i thought she was the answer to my problems in my life…and that this whole idea of being “happy elsewhere” became my reality. if only I could live with her. if all of that. after it ended nine months later after meeting her in person…then that felt like a huge blow…but also a huge realization…because it was a few months after college ended that…I realized….i might be a porn addict.

it should also be noted that at this point…I had no job lined up. no career set up even though I graduated with two degrees. I wanted to work in film but I had zero experience other than a few unpaid gigs. I was so naïve how the world worked, and my social skills were exceptionally deficient due to falling on the asperger spectrum plus not putting myself out there by not taking risks in social situations…

anyways…she was this huge source of stimulation and when that ended, I thought I would jump into going into transgender escort places. I was terrified of doing that…as I was just starting my recovery when i graduated from college.
when I graduated college…life obviously changed dramatically from something of a normal structure to me getting out there in the real world. I definitely used alcohol and pornography for stimulation during this transition, even though I was eventually breaking up with pornography.

less than a year after graduating, I moved to LA to find work in the entertainment industry. at this point though I was abstinent from porn for a while. I was actually proud of myself during this time of trying to balance my life without that source of stimulation and I felt like I was making progress in terms of therapy and stuff.

however, due to my deficient social skills, it was incredibly difficult to get a new job for me. I would go interview after interview and not get a job. or I would get a job and get let go a few days later. it’s sad to say…but about 1.5 years being in LA, I saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with asperger. I remember she told me that having a “balance” of masturbation was healthy. of course, I took this to heart and then saw porn that same night.

even though I was “abstinent” during this time…I didn’t really use RN for maintaining / managing slips / roleplaying / boundaries, etc. I used it to build up my values but not for anything else. this then lead back to this slip / abstinence period with porn for some time. I then was able to cut off porn, yet it switched to youtube videos.

at this point…I also struggled with meeting people in person to go on dates. I would ask people phone numbers when I was out, yet no one was really interested in getting to know me.

again…due to this struggle…I then turned to online dating, which seems like a normal and harmless way to meet people.

and harmless it was until….i feel like I met a therapist who wanted me to explore dating these group of people that I used to watch porn over….mainly transgender women and older women…

again…I felt like this opened up a whole new to channel my addiction. at this point I thought I was moving on. I wasn’t watching porn…or youtube videos that were sexualized…it was now just done on the online dating world.

I also think during this time I was working in my first full time job as well. i think I felt good in terms of my life and it was good to meet new people.

I then got another job when I was 27….that was scary though. the increase stress with the commute, and pressure to perform….it was not something that I was happy to be in…for some time…plus my first like girl that I was dating ended in a few months and I was pretty devastated.

anxiety and depression came over me.

I then met someone else from an online dating app…and I never thought she was the one but it was a very romanticized / sexual relationship where we dated for about six months or so. about six months into it…I realize that she was not a good fit for me and I ended it.

at this point…to deal with the loss…I then turned back to online dating apps. again, I now didn’t watch porn for several years so I thought I was on my way towards a healthy life.

but throughout that year…I was using dating apps for completely getting immersed into fantasies…

I would either be fantasizing about dating someone, or I would date them just for the hookup. and I think I definitely learned this from that person that I was with for six months because it was completely based on sex instead of anything authentic. sure we watched Disney movies…but at the end of the day I only dated her for that long because I was attracted to her and nothing else.

I then realized that things were getting out of control and I turned to SLAA. I felt more a sense of balance. but then instead of dating apps…I then turned my compulsive energy towards something different….working out.

I did this obsessively working out for about six months….monitoring my nutrition calorie intake obsessively, working out 5-6x a week…

and then when I got bored of that…I then joined this writing class.

and I thought that this was the class to help me with my filmmaking journey. yet it really wasn’t…it was just another form of procrastination.

but I became obsessed with it anyways….and other values like may job started to take a back seat, where I even thought that staying in this job was a “sacrifice” for my career, which is complete bullsh*t.

at this point…I stopped dating completely in 2019. I then started meditating that same year and felt it was huge for me…in terms of achieving balance. but that is only one small part of recovery…I remember I went to a pride parade that year and I acted out watching porn…twice in a span of two weeks. again…shame came over me. how could I go back to that again?

I then decided to date later that year…but rejections just lead to…either surfing on the internet looking for a hookup….or searching for prostitutes on 1/5/20…which was the breaking point for me.

at this point…my whole focus of life shifted to a hyper recovery mode. I think at the time I thought I was focusing on building other values, which I was…but I think I became so obsessed again with RN now…that I wasn’t using everything to connect to on my day to day life.

I also think I just became burned out on it.

and then in July 2020…I started to make movies. this was probably one of the only obsessions that would last longer than just a few months. I just couldn’t stop it.

at this point though I completely removed myself from dating and / or dating apps.

I then decided to check out dating apps on 3/25/21 and went on a several hour binge of searching dating apps. I know now that this was a result of finishing my short film and seeking a reward.

this slip was absolutely…very painful for me. I thought I was committed to my recovery before…but it took on a whole new level after this where I truly started committing RN into my day to day life. from roleplaying, boundaries, action plans, reactive action plans….

not just obsessing over the lessons but integrating it.

I knew though that I was spending way too much time developing my filmmaking value compared to other values….and I think that’s where I am at this point now.

in December 2021…again…I checked out a new dating app that was supposed to be good for meeting people…but after a week on it I had to delete it…since I found myself abusing it. it wasn’t a binge that I went on like before…but I could feel the same rush…and it was very disappointing.

I knew I had to redo the lessons….to integrate things more into my life.

at this point….now in february 2022…again…I find myself continuing to integrate everything more into my life. the roleplaying is not simply just a to do list…but something to actively connect and engage with. the values are there for me to derive stimulation from. the boundaries are things I need to gain confidence in.

and I truly do know my obsession on focusing on one thing at a time really needs to be…split into different values for long term growth and fulfillment.


i fear that addiction may be there if I allow it to. If I choose to let it…pervade different parts of my life. or to get addicted to this person. or compulsively eat, play videogames, filmmaking, etc.

I think the thing that I fear the most is obsessive with filmmaking…since art does require a lot of passion and commitment. so I do need to be mindful of finding that balance as I move forward and not to just do it in isolation like I did during the pandemic.

I do feel that addiction may appear again when I lose my parents. when my parents are no longer with me. or when I lose a significant partner. a break up. if a sibling passes away…or when.

also if I make a movie and it does not pan out at all. it just gets rejection after rejection.

i feel for me…it depends how balanced I am how addiction can pan out.

I think it can be like a whisper. just like seeing someone and getting a little hit.

like last night I was a bit annoyed with myself when I went out to cvs, and then there was someone that my brain saw and I wanted to make eye contact / see her face. is she pretty? she looked pretty. I got annoyed that all of that was happening. important to practice action plans when I am most vulnerable…such as alone and tired on a Friday night.

so I think addiction can appear like that. or it can also appear as a huge rush if I am caught off guard.

like it has the past few times. it starts with an internet search and then ends up on an internet binge.

I personally think that really is it.

I think roleplaying on using my computer is absolutely essential. ive roleplayed for scanning out in public --- but my real crux is the internet. let me change my relationship with the internet….and especially isolating on it when I feel lonely…and I may change the way that I manage my emotions through health.

I think that’s why I also felt a little annoyed last night watching kdramas alone. I don’t think I really wanted to do that. it is conneceted with my values but not this type of show. it just made me feel…not happy.

let me connect with other values that matter to me…not just tv…I mean…ya ik now what I need to do.

so ithink anything involved with very important values to me such as family, career, physical health….those are absolutely huge triggering moments. and those are moments when I would want to isolate like a wounded animal in the cave and just turn the computer on and disappear.

and these are moments that I can build myself up and get stronger and connect to the world. and things like that.

the computer isn’t bad…it’s just about my intentions…..

I feel like for me addiction may appear --- as --- either internet binges….call it dating sites, social media sites, house hunting, job hunting…

anything that is connected to values --- like a house, job, social (dating)….

and I can just get obsessed with it….

and I think I can confuse myself that I am putting in the work on something important for me when I am actually….just obsessing unhealthy about one thing instead of having boundaries on that one thing….

or it can also appear as getting obsessed with a value such as making a movie…and it’s during these stressful moments that I need to rely on my other values even more so to balance that stress and that obsession that I am focusing my time and energy on…in a way…I never thought of it that way….but by relying on my values during these stressful times…it actually not just helps give me more confidence for relying on my values and for building resilience…but I wondering if it would even have me get more out of my life…because I know I have tools and values that will stimulate me during stressful times….instead of thinking that I only need this one value to balance me / stress me out…I can have all of these other values that can efficiently balance me out during these times.

it doesn’t mean I won’t get unbalanced…but that I can manage it with confidence.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 06, 2022 4:55 pm 
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HEALTH MONITORING - WEEKLY

This week, I’m going to balance my life with the following value:

CONNECTION --- actively listening to others, sharing empathy with others
how can I do this?
well I can do this when I am out during this wedding that I am attending this week…that’s how I can do that…


The past week, I focused on developing the following value:
strengthening physical feet practice

Did I actively seek out to practice this value over the past week?
not every day unfortunately….but I did have PT last week and I set up more PT sessions so that will hopefully help with strengthening my feet

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

I think most of my fulfillment came from…spending time with others….
I definitely had fulfillment from….going to that live band at a bar earlier this week. that was great to go to.
also spending time with my sister though….though I felt a little overwhelmed still, I was able to feel good overall.
also felt fulfillment by pushing myself out of my comfort zone by….taking that Korean class and also joining a boxing class. so it felt very full.

Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?

I think my job. yes my job. and my job. I will continue with practice and with job searching to get myself out of this situation.


Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?

I actually think I did great. I think after a conversation I had with my father last week it really helped rejuvenate me and made me realize like I have so much other areas of my life to live and to achieve fulfillment from.


Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

yes I will be flying on Tuesday to go to my friend’s wedding on Wednesday. I wil then fly back on Thursday.

I think for preparing for this the most important thing is before, during, and after the wedding.

I think I would really like to use this as an opportunity to connect with others…either by recording with my video camera and / or just being there catching up with people I have not seen in a while…

so I think when I get back after the wedding that is the most important thing. to feel the loneliness. the isolation. and to imagine myself going back to the Airbnb and feeling sad. or a little depressed. or a little bit too harsh the words in my head sound….like I just want to judge myself and / or beat myself up. and or that I don’t deserve to be happy.

and I want to imagine me noticing those thoughts and that after getting back to the airbnb I can imagine myself taking a walk….and after that…reading a few pages from my book and feeling better after doing that. feeling more rewarding after doing hat. that’s what I need to imagine….that’s the most important thing but I do feel good that I’ll be able to manage this though.

Am I obsessing with one value?

well the one value I thought I might be obsessing over is physical health? but that was what I was focusing on last week

are my thoughts obsessive about one thing? if so, how can I redirect my attention to the present?

what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?

at the wedding. seeing people. and noticing the thoughts and noticing myself as just “people/ people / friends, etc”

how am I handling random sexual / romanticizing thoughts that pop up into my head?


actually they’ve been less. I did have a little bit now with sister but overall the thoughts are not as scary to me.

is my mind fantasizing about unrealistic expectations and goals to achieve in the future? if so, what’s my action plan to redirect my attention to the present and focus on developing values?

well it’s just to take 1 step at a time….i will be working on developing this in my bullet journal though soon…




SEXUAL MONITORING - WEEKLY TEMPLATE

when I am attending a new public place, do I roleplay healthy reactions?

absolutely

am i thinking / fantasizing of someone from the past, present, or future?

yes I did this past week I’ve let those thoughts come and go though…

am I feeling connected with the roleplaying?

yes this has been huge for me…

waking in up in the night with or without an erection?

not too much of this….though I did have a slight erection during the day time now which was weird…but again I get it I’m trying to move forward

am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)

a bit but at the same time….i feel like things are moving forward and I’m not getting lost in loops.


having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?

hmmm…not strong

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.
no

what is my specific action plan when I fantasize about another person’s life?
to redirect my attention back to the present and focus on all of the good and great things I have to give to the world and all of the things I have to gain from my values.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 06, 2022 8:30 pm 
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another quick health check:

after my weekly health check, i went to meditate for 20mins, which then turned into about a 2.5 hr nap. and the nap was filled with half dreams of a pornstar that i have not thought of for a while?

in the dream i could feel the excitement. the drug. the rush. and i was telling myself...if i am to fully be free and to live the life that i want...that is the drug that i need to kick. this isn't new information.

so why am i checking in?

am i being honest right now? i need to include that question in my check in...but for my honesty....

am i being honest with myself?

yes i am. i think i'm just afraid and there are a lot of pieces going on. my full 100% stimulation from my values to replace those immediate gratification compulsions is not fully out of my system, but i have confidence with my roleplaying and connecting with my values i can achieve my health i so deserve.

action step to take now:
focus as much as possible as deriving values from the things that i need to do today:
cooking + job applying + packing for trip + a little apt clean up!

every moment counts!


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 11, 2022 11:52 pm 
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lesson 21 - review

A. What large goals have you attempted in your life and failed? Why do you suppose you failed?

I failed to make a feature film by the time I was 30. I failed because I didn’t have any idea of how to break down such a lofty, ambitious goal into smaller bite size steps.

I needed to have smaller deadlines other than doing something by a certain date.

I did not have the organizational skills and time management skills back then when I thought of this goal in my early 20s.

B. What large goals have you attempted in your life and succeeded? Why do you suppose you were able to succeed?

Completing a three minute short film when I was living at home during the pandemic. I succeeded because I set up specific deadlines for myself. The deadlines and goals changed throughout the process, yet by being more strict with myself about being able to achieve specific goals within a 3-6 months period --- I was able to accomplish my goal by the deadline I set.

I also was able to break up the goal into smaller, bite size pieces in order for me to accomplish them….and not a goal to do something in years from now…but to do something that I can take action on in the present moment.

C. List one recovery goal that you have and break it down into as many smaller, measurable tasks as necessary for you to manage it successfully. If you find this difficult, then you are probably starting off with too general of a recovery goal. Make it specific.

To complete my next short film by April 1, 2023 for a specific film festival.

Completed script by June 30th, 2022
Find location
Find talent
Crew up
Complete shoot by December 30th, 2022?

this one is difficult since there are so many other moving variables in my life at the moment…

I think one simple one is to complete the RN lessons by June 30th
I need to complete at least 3x per week in order to hit this goal. I will not have enough time if I complete 2x per week.
This week looks like I’ll be completing 2x, which means I need to have 4x completed by next week.

I think a good checkpoint will be by April 30th
I will have 8 more weeks remaining, which means I should be by lesson 50 by April 30th. I am currently at lesson 20.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 14, 2022 11:48 pm 
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HEALTH MONITORING - WEEKLY

Have I been honest with myself over the past week?

not at all times. I feel like things got a little out of balance ever since I went to the wedding last Wednesday. and I don’t think I was being honest with myself when I was triggered at some points and I should’ve been roleplaying more clearly the scenarios that would’ve let me to feeling unbalanced and how to manage it

This week, I’m going to balance my life with the following value:
mindfulness

The past week, I focused on developing the following value:
connection

Did I actively seek out to practice this value over the past week?
yes I did…and I think at times I made it confusing with….connecting with others. some times it went great such as chatting with taxi drivers and things like that. but even still this past Saturday when I went to that burlesque / fighting show at a club…did I need to go? no…and it was triggering at times…even though in my mind before I was like ohhh I just need to get out more to connect with others…

but I don’t think I should be too hard on myself for that. I put myself out there. I didn’t damage my recovery. it just made me realize that…there needs to be stronger boundaries for protecting my values.


Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

hmmmmm….i think connecting with others. such as calling a friend from 12 step. or going to my friend’s wedding and seeing some old friends from highschool. just having those conversations with otherse were really great…that was by far the highlight.

Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?

I think I definitely was drained after the wedding. I think I was judging myself…a lot…for feeling like…I was not doing enough in my life and I’m so far behind and all of that stuff, etc….
and I think that’s where a lot of the triggering feeling came…I roleplayed and I thought the triggers would come immediately after the wedding like it did in the past…but it was like a slow experience of triggers over the past five days.

Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?

overall I think I did well. I’ve used a variety of activities in terms of connecting with others to expand my social network…whether it was going out on a Saturday night, committing to group boxing class, joining a meetup group over zoom…just using a variety of outlets to connect with others felt great to do.

Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?
well I think….i think just with job applying. and just to ensure that I can continue to wake up early…whether it’s writing or going to the gym, etc…I need to continue that…

Am I obsessing with one value?
hmmmm….i think In my headi did obsess over little things on different days. like today anxiety was about career. after the wedding it was about relationships…

anyways those are two pretty big areas of my life that I feel like I need to move forward with hopefully will take strides this year for both. well, no, I will.

are my thoughts obsessive about one thing? if so, how can I redirect my attention to the present?
I think just using the power of curiosity and asking myself what do I get from this?

what are some potential unexpected slips i can role play for the upcoming week?
I think just…going to the gym. but also I want to roleplay using the computer…and the internet. the dreaded internet. especially since I will be job applying to many different type of jobs…I think that would be good to do…I think that would be good to do indeed…

to use pomodoro method for job applying so i don’t go down a rabbit hole. and to not job apply in the evening preferably….preferably in the morning when I am most alert and awake.

how am I handling random sexual / romanticizing thoughts that pop up into my head?

they frankly haven’t been as frequent. I think because I haven’t been forcing myself to “not think” about them…they haven’t been there…but there have been others in terms of like meeting someone like that girl I met two weeks ago. hmm. or the past week with….ya especially romanticizing about people that I could meet this year.

I need to just continue note them though…and respect myself and also them.

is my mind fantasizing about unrealistic expectations and goals to achieve in the future? if so, what’s my action plan to redirect my attention to the present and focus on developing values?

hmmm….not unrealistic goals…just uncertainty with the future and trying to see how I can “fix it” but it’s not really working so I just need to surrender to my anxiety


SEXUAL MONITORING - WEEKLY
when I am attending a new public place, do I roleplay healthy reactions?
yes I am overall…but I think the thing is --- it’s not going to go according to plan especially if it’s a place I’ve never been to --- however I will still continue to do so

am i thinking / fantasizing of someone from the past, present, or future?

yes I have romanticized…and I need to remember though…the consequences of that are not good for my future. so I need to let go of the idea of reaching out to her because it’s just….a fake, artificial delusion.

I think a part of me wants to…and thinks that I’ll just be fine once I do…but it’s just silly…

am I feeling connected with the roleplaying?

yes

waking in up in the night with or without an erection?

no….but I did have a random arousal today due to anxiety of the uncertainty of my future. it was a crazy thought about wanting to possibly join the porn industry to make $?! I had to take a walk outside and to not allow myself to feel so much guilt over a thought…since they are just thoughts.

am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)

actually yes after I went to the wedding…I think it definitely made me “target” other people to be like --- is that a potential partner? would I want to see that person again? instead of just seeing them as who they are….so I need to get centered again and understand that’s coming from pressure of wanting to have someone…

having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?

yes after the wedding…I will continue to monitor this and really put myself into things that will make me happy.

have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.

I did have a SLIGHT hit today. on a scale of 1-10 --- I would say it was a 5. they’re easy to ignore but it just was shocking but at the same time it shouldn’t be after the wedding.

what is my specific action plan when I fantasize about another person’s life?

this is what I need to focus on. roleplaying this for the internet. to focus on rebuilding MY life. that’s the only life that matters to build now. my own.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 18, 2022 11:49 pm 
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how do I change this habit?

just doing some reflection now. the sex addiction is much easier to get rid of than the love addiction. I think it’s because I felt that these qualities of magically falling in love with someone was part of my identity, which is inaccurate. I need to be honest with myself…when I see someone and I have thoughts that linger on longer than that --- that I need to do my love and kindness practices that I’ve worked on. and that’s the habit I want to get stronger at and develop……

and I need to recognize that when I have those thoughts when I am thinking about that person from another person it’s because I’m searching for a replacement though

it has nothing to do with that person at all.

when I thought about that person last night and then I started thinking about another person --- it’s because that other person seemed to give me a little bit of a high / hope / dream to think of / fantasize over. those are the thoughts that need to be attacked. those are the thoughts that have felt like they have been part of my identity forever.

and that is the thing that is scary to me. it is the possibility of removing these thoughts. these warm magical thoughts that seemed to be so friendly before to me --- but realizing that they are actually much more sinister and evil in disguise.

and it comes down to this now.

I do have a choice. but it doesn’t feel like a choice. I need to pay attention when I have these thoughts in the moment --- and to practice my love and kindness / checking / all of the other mindfulness habits that I want to grow stronger at. because that is the balance that I want to have.

I don’t know when I’ll meet new people. I can start meeting new people but it’s not even about that though. it’s about me…being honest with myself right now…and recognizing that when I have those thoughts….those happy thoughts of a pretty girl smiling at me because it’s her job as a customer service rep, etc….those are the thoughts that I need to pay attention to.

and I think I’ve been unable to distinguish between meeting new people…and assigning them magical qualities to them…because I’ve done it so frequently and so often that it just felt like a natural way to say hello or goodbye to someone.

this is the habit that I need to kick. that quiet and subtle magical qualities that I assign to people.

this is the habit that triggers the sex addiction when it’s dormant…this is really THE habit loop that I need to remove from my identity.

what would life look like after? I don’t know. the same without magical qualities….but with a stronger ability to maintain mindfulness.

I will continue moving forward. this will be my main focus for roleplaying…roleplaying these moments where I may romanticize…..which is basically everyone….

I think I’ll also need to roleplay not just….meeting people in real life but seeing images of people on the internet. because it is so damn easy to assign magical qualities to someone you’ve never met. but that’s the trick though. if I learned how to do that --- I can unlearn to do that.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 19, 2022 3:28 pm 
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lesson 22 - review

Searching on dating app

Elements involved: 6
sensory of sight, fantasy, romantic delusion, suspense, danger, accomplishment

Sensory of sight (3)
T: 8 --- amount of time spent looking at girls
I: 8 --- intensity ranges due to the attraction of girls
H: 8 ---novelty is high due to the high volume of girls on there
12

Fantasy (3)
T: 9 --- time is high because fantasy can continue on after being on the app
I: 7 --- intensity is high because I can manipulate emotions by creating scenes with someone
H: 7 --- habituation is high, yet there’s only so many scenes I can create in my head
11.3

Romantic Delusion (2)
T:6 --- similar to fantasy, yet amount spent is lower since delusion won’t be for every person on there
I:8 --- intensity is high because if I found the “one” I can create many scenes with
H:7 --- only so many scenes I can create in my head
7

Suspense (2)
T: 9 --- suspense is high because due to the amount of time I can be on there
I: 8 --- intensity is high due to the stimulation in the search for “the one”
H: 7 --- habituation is high, yet it can diminish rather quickly unless I seek out another dating app / another way to continue the suspense in the ritual
8

Danger (1)
T: 2 --- assuming I’m only on this one ritual, and I do not engage in other activities, time spent will be low since there’s nothing dangerous --- unless someone I found like last time that provoked “danger”, yet it was so short the time spent
I: 7 --- intensity is high due to the stimulation of doing something dangerous with someone
H: 8 --- habituation is high due to the novelty of doing something dangerous
2.8

Accomplishment (1)
T: 1 --- time spent is low
I: 3 --- assuming I didn’t find someone, intensity at the end is low…I can always check again later
H: 5 --- habituation is about the same since nothing really lost or gained from the accomplishment
1.5

Grand total: 42.6




see an image of someone that I could possibly date --- such as on a zoom call
# of elements: 7

sensory (sight) (3)
T: 7 time spent looking at this person
I: 6 intensity can range depending on how attractive- --- it’s a different sort of intensity than sexual addiction --- it’s really about how much of the qualities this person has that I am seeking in a partner as a template
H: 7 habituation is high since this is a new person that I’ve never seen and it allows me to get stimulated rather quickly from someone that I do not know anything about rather quickly
total= 8.5
sensory (sound) (1)
T: 4 this is an accessory. if on a zoom call, such as last night, amount of stimulation depends on how much I like hearing her voice / time spent listening to it.
I:6 intensity related to time…higher stimulation the more attractive her voice is / what she has to say as well in terms of her personality / demeanor.
H: 6 dependent on how attractive I find her voice / and how novelty this is for me. generally it wouldn’t be too high since it’s not a huge attraction of stimulation for me.
total= 2.28

romantic delusion (3)
T: 8 this category would be if their personality fits into someone that I would be interested in dating, yet I do not know if I have any values that are actually connected with this person. the thoughts would continue on after meeting this person and that is why time is at such a high level.
I: 8 intensity is high for romantic delusion since this is really when I allow myself to spin off into fantasy. it can go for a few seconds to minutes to even hours in the past where I allowed myself to create a whole story.
H: 7 this again depends on the person that I met. habituation will again be high because there are so many stories and situations that I can play with. and the more activities / opportunities to be with this person, the more stories that I can create in my head…instead of actually in reality. related to girl in highschool how I could do that.
total = 9.8

fantasy (3)
T: 7 this is different than romantic delusion…that it’s not as intense…yet the thoughts are still connected together. time spent will be high.
I: 6 intensity will be less here, yet just enough to continue the stimulation.
H: 5 this will be not as high
total= 7.7

suspense (2)
T: 7 suspense can be high because it’s the amount of time spent…at least in this romantic situation…preparing for the next time to have a conversation…preparing for the next text message….the next interaction….and the time spent in between is the suspense.
I: 7 intensity is high because it is the thinking of this person / creating thoughts / fantasies of this person
H: 6 habituation around the novelty of this person…can be a good stimulation because a new person and can create new stories in my head.
total= 5.71

past (2)
T: 5 time spent connecting to this person from past people that I’ve dated in the past
I: 5 intensity about this person due to connection from past
H: 6 habituation may be a little higher since this is a new person from the past
total = 4.57

accomplishment (1)
T: 3 time spent feeling accomplished is rather a small window
I: 4 intensity may not be too high since accomplishment is not clear at this point in terms of romanticizing
H: 4 habituation is low since may not even achieve the desired goal
total = 1.57

Grand total: 40.13

Texting with escort
# of elements= 9

Grand total: 39.14

Sensory of sight (3) --- finding the right person to contact…there is a sense of power and control because I am the one who gets to select the person I can fantasize with….
T: 8
I: 9
H: 7
Total: 8

Sensory of sound (1) --- maybe the sound of hearing videos…..the sound that I get to choose and have a sense of power over…
T: 3
I: 2
H: 4
Total: 1

Fantasy (3) --- fantasizing in thought of paying for a transaction….but ultimately it’s about a sense of power regained from the fantasy….
T: 8
I: 8
H: 7
Total: 7.6

Power (3) --- regaining my sense of power from this entire experience. the more power that I can exert, the more stimulating the entire experience is.
T: 9
I: 7
H:8
Total: 8

Accomplishment (1) --- feel like I’ve gained my sense of power via I get the text message response
T: 2
I: 2
H: 2
Total: .67

Romantic Delusion (2) --- fantasize that I can be romantic with an escort / change her ways
T:5
I: 6
H: 4
Total: 3.33

Suspense (2) --- the search for the right person to create the fantasy…the search and the fantasy of exploring the fantasies / the sense of power from it all

T: 8
I: 8
H: 7
Total: 5.11


Past (1) --- the lack of sense of power from being in control…..and now being able to have that sense of power from doing this…I can regain my power that I did not feel I had…through the fantasy and exploration
T: 8
I: 5
H: 4
Total: 1.88

Danger (2) --- I can increase the stimulation from the sense of power by doing something more dangerous. the more dangerous it is, the more the sense of power I gain from doing it….
T: 4
I: 7
H: 5
Total: 3.55


Last edited by foundman on Sat Mar 12, 2022 3:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 20, 2022 5:37 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 231
HEALTH MONITORING - WEEKLY

Have I been honest with myself over the past week?
yes I have been…I feel like It was hard for me but it was really good to be more honest in terms of the romanticizing and what I need to implement to develop that….


This week, I’m going to balance my life with the following value:

PHYSICAL HEALTH ---

The past week, I focused on developing the following value:
mindfulness

Did I actively seek out to practice this value over the past week?
yes I did by getting back to listening to unwinding anxiety app

Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?
hmmm….it came from a lot of places actually.

some of it was job searching preparation. others it was cooking like making drumsticks. others it was spending time with my sister yesterday. also going to a boxing class. and also going to…learn Korean drama.

so I would say it was a full week actually…even though there was still some anxiety about when I would be waking up in the morning…but man if I can just slowly make adjustments to this --- then this would be great!


Over the last 7 days, were there any situations or events that drained me?

I think with my job. and a little bit with creativity as well.
but I don’t think I felt too drained.



Given the meaning that I've had coming into my life this week, and the amount of stress going out, how well did I do to manage my life?

I did OK. I’m saying ok because even though I did well with doing a lot of different things…I feel that….i feel that I still struggle waking up in the morning and my action plans have not been followed such as…turning off my alarm clock…when I should not turn off my alarm clock.

Looking ahead for the next 7 days, anything extraordinary that I need to anticipate / prepare myself to manage?

I think I’m a little bit anxious about going to the gym / boxing class. like why was that girl so nice to me last time I went? I think this is a perfect opportunity for practicing roleplaying the romanticizing….and to work on that…

Am I obsessing with one value?

no….
are my thoughts obsessive about one thing? if so, how can I redirect my attention to the present?

a bit obsessive about my future --- but that’s why I need to continue to bring UA back into my life to unwind my anxiety

what’s my action plan for romanticizing?

well I have 3-4 different ones:

1)
if I am doing something, and then find myself getting distracted, I can quietly reengage to whatever I am doing to be connected to that value. for example, if I’m at the gym --- and I see someone that is beautiful and I feel she’s the one --- I can just simply refocus that energy back onto my form.

2) if I continue to have those thoughts, I can take a break by using the “check in” on the unwinding anxiety app…and can practice a brief mindfulness exercise.

3) thoughts --- I can think about the thoughts that I have --- and to bring in reality such as:
may I respect her / may I respect myself
not everyone is available to me that I may like

when am I roleplaying my romanticizing action plans?

I will be roleplaying these daily…ideally, in the shower. or at night before bed time. any time really…but really when I am most relaxed I can use those same moments of acting out to build myself.

when am I practicing Love & Kindness?

at night before bed --- but also throughout the day!

am I writing down positive affirmations?

I want to do this whenever I have a need to do so…but ideally perhaps in the am.

is my mind fantasizing about unrealistic expectations and goals to achieve in the future? if so, what’s my action plan to redirect my attention to the present and focus on developing values?

yes my mind is trying to “fix it” mode most recently…however I’ll continue to use my tools to regain stability.

SEXUAL MONITORING - WEEKLY

when I am attending a new public place, do I roleplay healthy reactions?
yes

am i thinking / fantasizing of someone from the past, present, or future?
yes I have….but I’ll continue to use my action plans to gently let them go

am I feeling connected with the roleplaying?
yes I have been

waking in up in the night with or without an erection?
no

am I sexualizing people? (family, friends, colleagues, strangers)
I did get flashes when I was with my sister yesterday going to the movies, yet thankfully overall enjoyment of spending time with her was good.


having strong urges prior to something important to me or after something stressful?
I did not have strong urges…but it was difficult for me to wake up from my alarm clock the past two nights. I’d prefer to…continue to roleplay…just for a moment at the end of love and kindness practice tonight…how good it would feel to simply just….imagine myself waking up so happy and excited for the amazing day that awaits and all of the great things I can do today.


have i felt the HIT? (increase in heart rate, out of body experience, AROUSAL) if so, describe it.
no

what is my specific action plan when I fantasize about another person’s life?
I would like to approach it like my romanticizing roleplay:
to reconnect to my value
to do a check in on the unwinding anxiety app
to connect to my thoughts --- may he / she be well. may he / she be happy.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 20, 2022 6:26 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 231
lesson 23 - review

how practical is it to be able to measure compulsive behavior and to break down the different elements involved?

well, it’s very practical. it’s practical because it’s easy to recognize how these different elements can be manipulated to either increase or decrease the amount stimulation from one element or several elements. it makes perfect sense why I would add different elements (poly addiction) from masturbating alone to adding alcohol, techno music, porn, etc. from what was just a few elements.

I think for me though right now the basis of my compulsive behavior is in my compulsive thoughts. such as those random sexual flashes I’ll get or these….romanticizing someone.

so for example i’ll see someone --- sensory of sight + sensory of sound + romantic delusion + fantasy ---- in just a three second interaction with someone I created an artificial stimulation from all of these elements.

and I can either increase that stimulation by again --- looking at this person…maybe as she walked by to increase the sensory of sight. and then I can use that to even fantasize / romanticize about her. and if I wanted to take it further as a future ritual…I can add masturbation, suspense, orgasm, accomplishment all into it to achieve the maximum stimulation possible from just 1 interaction.


and even at the gym now. I’ll look at someone / see someone (sensory of sight). and sometimes I’ve found myself not behaving the way that I would want to, such as looking at that person again, which increases the stimulation from sensory of sight.

and I’ve felt guilt for feeling like that’s not how I want to be.

and how I want to be is in that moment ---- is to spread it not as just an artificial stimulation but what if an internal stimulation based on my value of mindfulness --- may that person be well. may I respect that person. not everyone I’m attracted to is available for me to manipulate in my head.

it’s the hard, cold truth reality --- but I’d rather take that than dreaming the next thirty years of my life. I want to practice that. may I respect others / may that person be happy / not everyone is available for me. that third one really hits / resonates with me at this time. I want to practice that to roleplay that. to roleplay seeing someone. or to roleplay those thoughts when I’m alone on a Friday night and I have thoughts of someone making me feel better --- but not everyone that I think about is available.

and I can sit with that. and it hurts. it hurts to give up that artificial stimulation. but it’s absolutely necessary to give up that artificial stimulation. I need to practice this romanticizing roleplaying. I’ll do it during my meditation sessions so I can be prepared and ingrain a new habit.


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