Recovery Nation

I fell in love with my husband within the first 2 weeks of meeting him and married 20 months later. We've now been married for 29 years. The first 14 were happy. After the birth of my second child when I was 30 I started suffering from bad PMT for which I wasn't given appropriate help for by doctors, just offered anti depressents that I didn't want to take. My husband was patient and loving. I also put on a lot of weight due to an undiagnosed under active thyroid and had very low self esteem. I thought my husband's waning attention was because of my weight gain though he would assure me he loved me. He changed careers and we moved house. I found a doctor who helped with the PMT and thyroid. I quickly lost a lot of weight and felt fabulous. I was now 40. My husband had hurt his back doing DIY the previous year. This was his reason to not be able to make love very often. Then I caught him looking at porn and found out he had been on dating sites too. I was devastated. That fabulous feeling I'd had for just 2 short months was swept away. Food became my comfort and I slowly put weight back on. He promised to never do it again and I believed him as he seemed genuinely devastated at my distress. Then 5 years later he lost his job and suffered from depression. He struggled to find a new one and when he did it was a lot lower paid. I was also traumatised by his job loss. I was the main wage earner and it felt like a huge responsibility. I was supporting him through his depression while also suffering and supporting 2 teenage children. The following spring he told me he had lost his job again. This time because he had been reported for having sex with a colleague in the office. Twice. He had also lied to me about a night out with a friend when he was meeting the same woman. This had been between Christmas and New Year and has forever tainted that time of year. I also found out he had gone back to porn. We separated for a while and he moved out to his dad's for a year. No internet access there so no porn. I still loved him and again he was devastated at my distress so he moved back in. We moved house again. But he continued to hold onto the anger of losing the first job and still suffered from depression. He went back to porn, dating sites and erotic literature. I found out again. Again more promises to stop. Had some counselling for his anxiety and repression. He suffered from erectile dysfunction and blamed it on age though I blamed it on porn. Which further lowered my self esteem and my weight went up and down like a yo-yo. Last year found out again. Did some research online and found out about sex addiction. Never heard of it before. He agreed that it described him. I asked him to get help. He believed he didn't need it and maybe if Covid hadn't of happened maybe who knows. But it did and he ended up being at home alone not able to work. Yep he went back to porn and dating sites and got very good at hiding it. Promising me that he didn't need it anymore. Then 2 months ago a work colleague told me he had matched with her on a dating site. I was humiliated, devastated and so so angry. I wanted out of the marriage. But I still love him. He vowed to get all the help he can to stop his behaviour and be a better person. He says he loved me and it's not about me. He hates himself and feels shame and guilt. He is attending a 12 step group and getting therapy. I just don't know if it's too late for us. I don't know if I can let go of the anger. Last year I was prepared to support him. I have been through a hell of a year and he has continued to lie. Why why why have I put up with it for so long? I'm 54 now and I don't know what to do. He has also discovered he doesn't have erectile dysfunction. 2 months with no porn and he's back in working order! My self esteem is so damaged it feels like a huge mountain to climb. He says I am a wonderful woman but I don't feel it.