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PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2021 7:38 am 

Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2011 4:31 am
Posts: 331
D Day was many years ago. In 2009. I handled it poorly until I discovered RN and really learned some important perspectives. Over time, I learned to look after myself, establish good boundaries, and find joy in life again.

Over time, my SA has also committed himself to personal growth, although his health has declined and he is getting older. So he has not only lost his libido but I think that this depresses him. Even though he eats healthily, he is not at all interested in any sexual activity. And he won't take ED drugs because he feels that they would cause a "fake" erection. Or maybe he has secretly taken them and they don't work. I don't know. And he is NOT interested in going to more counseling or therapy for himself.

But he cuddles with me and he has become kind in many ways he never was before. He buys me food, drives me places, and we have fun watching tv, eating dinner together, and so on. But nothing at all resembling sex and he rarely hugs me. We just snuggle sometimes.

Meanwhile I have "met" someone from another country who wants to come to work on a humanitarian project with me -- and we have been forming a new charity organization with some great goals. I have been happy to help him with it. He has told me he is very attracted to me and wants to marry me.

I said that I like him too, but that we will only know if we really have chemistry once we actually meet in person. He seems extremely sincere, and if he is telling me the truth about his desire to commit to me, and no interest in any other women (since he says what matters most to him is a woman who gets him and appreciates the work he is hoping to do) -- and that, as far as he can tell, he tells me I'm THE ONE.

But because of the pandemic, visitor travel to our country is not allowed, and we haven't completed the required paperwork to incorporate our group so he can come here to work -- and he will probably be eligible once that is completed soon. So since we started this project last year and have communicated about it almost daily for almost a year now, and he has continued to study and work and build a good resume and prepare for our project.

So on one hand I don't want to throw away the comfortable friendship I have finally established with my SA after 25 years. But he has clearly said he doesn't want to marry me as he doesn't want to feel obligated to have sex. It hurts that he never even wants to kiss me anymore or take my hand. He is not interested in my sexual happiness.

And for me? I do love the cuddling. But I am not happy in a relationship that feels one-sided, ie I have continued to desire him but that is not reciprocated, except as a close pal.

On the other hand, I am afraid to throw away what we have just so I can be available to someone who might not be Mr Right after all -- anything could surface, or maybe the new guy will change his mind and not come to my country if he finds another project and changes plans. And with the pandemic still underway, who knows how long before visitor travel is allowed or when our project and his work-related travel connected to it might be approved. Maybe later this year? Maybe longer than that, who knows?

I have not told my SA that this other man seems like he might have a serious interest in me. I am afraid to hurt my SA and also afraid that the news of this possible new relationship would crush him and possibly make him want to end the nice little friendship we at least have. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to feel lonely. So I have been able to live with the relationship we DO have now, even if it's not romantic.

And if I leave my SA in the HOPE of this other man being Mr Right, then at least at this point, since all I have with this new guy is a long-distance acquaintence-ship, if I leave my SA, I would really have no one.

But I care about the nice new guy too, and I don't want him to feel abandoned since he says he has never wanted anyone else and he feels sure that I am the one he is meant to be with, and that he wants a full and committed relationship. Maybe that is true. He also knows that I am "with" my SA and have been for years, although I told him that I am not really together with my SA and that it's been like this for a long time. The new guy expressed concern about wanting me and whether maybe that it is not okay for him to feel this way -- and I told him I am keeping my options open and that we will only know once we meet and that I think I might be happiest with whoever wants me the most and wants to be devoted on an intimate level. I really don't want to tell him no and say I'm not interested, when maybe I really will be once I get to know him in person, and maybe I really would be happier with the new guy.

I am so mixed up and stressed out. I'm depressed, unfulfilled, and unhappy with my SA, who doesn't really need me and doesn't even kiss me anymore. And I love the attention from the new guy. I don't want to shut that door cuz what if he IS Mr Right and I lose him by terminating our growing bond? Yet I don't want to hurt my SA and abandon him since I do love him even though he has completely abandoned the sexual side of relating to me, unless cuddling is sort of sexual -- but of course, doesn't fulfill my desires for a really solid and exciting sexual and romantic bond.

I feel terribly confused about how to go forward with this. I miss being needed, held, and desired. but I like the comfort and safety of my old relationship, which is like a comfy pair of slippers.

Do I gradually withdraw from my SA? Do I warn him that the new guy might want me romantically and really put an end to any potential for reviving that side of our relationship? Do I say nothing and see what happens once I actually meet this new guy, which I think could be later this year? Do I risk losing the new guy to another person -- and of course, if he marries someone else, that puts an end to any chance of getting to know him other than professionally.

I don't want to hurt anyone. And I do want to feel fulfilled with a full relationship that includes sex and devotion, if at all possible. Please give me your thoughts on what I should do.

PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2021 10:23 am 

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:33 pm
Posts: 38
Hey Healthlove,

Hope you're doing well. Came across your post and thought I could reply with some advice. Though, I am not a coach, or mentor - I'm just a fellow partner who may understand where you're coming from.

After reading your post, I really felt like you haven't really been living for yourself for a long time, especially when it comes to your personal needs and desires. It is completely normal and healthy to want to be sexually desired, and to want your sexual needs fulfilled as well with your emotional needs. When our needs aren't met by our partner, it can be a devastating thing. Your feelings of loneliness are completely validated.

This other person that you have met through work seems to be interested in you, but you can't be sure on how he will act once you two meet in person. Things can change drastically when you actually meet the individual face to face.

Here's my advice...

If you're in a relationship with your SA and are committed to him, then you need to let him know that you're considering other options. I think it is selfish of him to want to keep you, and not marry you/settle down with you. Seems he loves himself more than he loves you since he isn't willing to change his decision, or go to therapy to help him, and your relationship. If you do plan to meet this other person, and are keeping your options open, then it's best to be completely upfront and honest with your current partner.

Your feelings about ending up alone if neither situation works out is also understood and validated. That is completely normal to feel, however, we shouldn't stay with another person just so we won't feel alone. It's better to be alone and at peace, than to settle your wants and desires just for the sake of being with someone who doesn't reciprocate the same feelings you have.

Hopefully this helps. Sending hugs and good vibes your way.

Kind regards,

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