Recovery Nation

Lesson 46 Exercise:
This next step in urge control is quite simple. It is the transition in thinking from the identification of a time where action can be taken, to the realization that action will be taken. It is the realization that you are in control over whether you continue engaging in your established compulsive ritual, or whether you engage in alternate behavior that will establish new chains — preferably, ones based on values.
A. In the long run, addiction is eliminated by altering the existing compulsive behavior (destructive, based on immediate emotional needs) to more stable, constructive chains that solidify the foundation of your life in a progressive manner. Before such compulsive chains can be reversed, it is necessary to begin mastering the ability to reverse single compulsive rituals. Begin this process now by considering a previous compulsive chain, identify the element immediately preceeding the 'point of no return' and then rewrite the remainder of the chain so that your actions are based on healthy values, rather than immediate emotional response. Share this in your recovery thread.
B. Initially, this may feel awkward. The emotions derived from a compulsive act is often much more intense than that capable of being achieved through long-term values. And while there are ways to address this, know that it is similar to switching from Coke to Diet Coke (or Pepsi!). It may taste unappealing at first, but stick with it and you will soon wonder how you could have ever liked the taste of the original.
Compulsive Ritual
Destructive Ritual
1. Begin my work day
2. Drive to my territory
3. Passed through town and saw a girl in nylons and short skirt
4. Think of this girl in a sexual way
5. Drive to isolated spot, where I know I won’t get caught.
6. Etc., etc. etc. ……….

Point of No Return: Think of this girl in a sexual way

Constructive Ritual
1. Begin my work day
2. Drive to my territory
3. Passed through town and saw a girl in nylons and short skirt
4. Isolate my thinking process, immediately
5. The girl I see is a daughter, wife, sister, mother
6. Know that I have options, i.e., act out sexually, do nothing, plan my day to fulfill my obligation to have a successful work day,
7. Chose the option to plan my day to fulfill my obligation to have a successful work day,
8. Set up a schedule
9. Begin my work activities

_________________
I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
~Michael Jordan

_________________
I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
~Michael Jordan

_________________
I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
~Michael Jordan

Lesson 49 Exercise:
At this point, it would be beneficial to get a 'snapshot' of where you are at in terms of overall health. Complete the Sexual Health Assessment you first completed at the start of the workshop. If you are in coaching, your submission will be reviewed by a coach.

_________________
I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
~Michael Jordan

Lesson 50 Exercise:
Once you have applied effective urge control — once you have identified the emotional elements of a compulsive urge, isolated the element that exists just prior to the 'point of no return' and put yourself in a position to make a rational decision in what was once a compulsive moment — the next step is to make the decision and accept the consequences for whatever decision you make.

A. When facing a compulsive urge, what do you anticipate the consequences of using a healthy, values-based decision to manage that urge to be? (think positive and negative consequences)


POSITIVE
1. Stronger self-esteem
2. Confidence
3. Feeling sense of honesty
4. Strengthening intergity
NEGATIVE
1. Feeling weakness
2. Lack of emotional balance

B. Now consider having made the decision to continue on with the compulsive ritual, what consequences do you anticipate? (again, think positive and negative)

POSITIVE
1. Emotional balance, eevn though short term
2. Relief from daily stressful events
NEGATIVE
1. Guilt
2. Lack of self confidence
3. Weakness of controlling my emotions

C. For each decision (values-based; emotion-based), what long-term effects will these consequences have on your developing identity and values?

VALUE BASED
1. Strengthened confidence
2. Stronger self-esteem
3. Building my long term decision making process
EMOTION-BASED
1. Lack of self confidence
2. Dishonesty
3. Hurting my wife
4. Cheating my employee
D. Document your thoughts in your recovery manager.

_________________
I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
~Michael Jordan

Lesson 51 Exercise:
To make a healthy decision — to master the skill of making healthy decisions — you must gain confidence in quickly and accurately identifying what options are available in any given situation, recognize the consequences of those actions, and ultimately, trusting yourself to choose the option best suited to promoting your values.
Share the following in your thread:

A. Consider one of your specific compulsive rituals. Or, if you feel comfortable, consider an entire compulsive chain. Identify the point in that ritual/chain when you should begin considering the options that you have available. What are these options? (consider reasonable options only)
[color=#400000]1. Driving my car, the spontaneous thought of hairy man with a large hard-on pops into my head
2. I rub my private parts
3. I drive to a remote location
4. With my phone, I search for images of men's dicks.... large ones. Go porn tube videos
5. Begin to masturbate
6. Find ultimate site
7. Orgasm
8. Clean computer
9. Continue on my day; work
10. Later that afternoon, I see a beautiful women in a mini skirt with nylons
11. I fantasize about having her
12. I immediately go to the "remote site"
13. Begin masturbating and searching porn sites
14. Go from site to site looking for better videos and/or images
15. Finally, after an hour or more I orgasm
16. Clean my phone
17. Go home

Point in that ritual/chain where I should begin considering the options available me is right after #1

Option A. Go to isolated site, open phone view images to try to satisfy my curiosity
Option B. Go to isolated site, open phone view images to try to satisfy my curiosity then turn off phone
Option C. Go to isolated site, continue to fantasize complete ritual
Option D. Pull my car over to side of the road and separate my emotions from my core identity


B. Of the options listed above, which would be automatically filtered out because of your boundaries? What would you do in the case of a value conflict? (i.e. when the same option would create both positive and negative influences on your value system)
Options C. Is the option that would be filtered out because because of my boundaries
Option A & B are conflicts because they both can help but also at the same time possibly lead to compulsive ritual. Because of the later, I would have to filter them out, too

C. Of the remaining options, what would be the anticipated consequences of the following:
i. You make the decision to act on this option: relief established, guilt and low self esteem sets in
ii. You make the decision NOT to act on this option: great feeling of accomplishment and strength
iii. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision becomes known by others: horror
iv. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision remains secret: accomplishment

_________________
I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
~Michael Jordan

Lesson 52 Exercise:
This exercise may be difficult for certain types of thinkers, so simply do your best.
Consider a situation in life (outside of addiction) where this 'isolation' of feelings/emotions has been known to occur and/or might prove beneficial. For instance, certain Eastern practices where people can isolate the physical pain they are experiencing from their spiritual selves and thus, manage that pain with ease. And no, you can't use that as your example! There are thousands of such potential applications — albeit not as dramatic. Share this in your thread.
What I am looking for is your skill in understanding the concepts involved with isolating emotions and what it will 'look like/feel like' in real life application. If you can't think of anything, say so in your thread and I will provide you with an example.

I had a serious augment with a collegue. She belittled me and a acused me of not doing my job. She was wrong.
I felt anger and resentment & wanted to lash back at her; however, I didn't. I placed my emotions on the back burner. I kept quiet till she was finished. Acknowledged her concern and the conversation ended. I then went back and re-examined my anger and resentment & was happy I did not react to my emotions while the leading was occurring.
Another example: I was hoping on a very serious hike and I was very nervous and anxious. The team I was going with were greatly experienced and were excited about the challenging hike ahead. I hid my nervous emotions so that I could "fit in".
One other example is pursuing poker

_________________
I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
~Michael Jordan

L

_________________
I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
~Michael Jordan

_________________
I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
~Michael Jordan

Lesson 54 Exercise:
In your recovery thread:
A. Select a VALUE-BASED decision that you have made in the past year. What were some NEGATIVE consequences that resulted from that decision?

I was responsible for data entry for a particular project. Many members of my team were reliant on this data. Because it was a very tedious task, I was lacidasical in entering the numbers. As a result many team members were upset with me because I was late in entering the data.

B. Select an EMOTION-BASED decision that you have made in the past year. What were some POSITIVE consequences that resulted from that decision?

I decided not to surf the internet to view porn site. Instead I took a more subtle approach instead and read illicit pornography stories. I found some really crazy stories and masturbated to orgasm using these stories. I felt satisfied that I didn't view pics and porn videos. I was satisfied emotionally and felt a feeling of accomplishment in not using hard core porn and hiding this act from my wife
The point to this exercise is to reinforce the reality that most all actions have both positive and negative consequences attached to them. When you evaluate the consequences of a particular decision, it is vital that you take into account all of the consequences — not just those that reinforce what you want to believe. In other words, do not fool yourself into thinking that all value-based action is healthy; and all emotion-based action is destructive. To do so is to destabilize the reality of the life that you are building and ultimately such thinking will lead you to disillusionment and regret.

_________________
I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
~Michael Jordan

_________________
I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
~Michael Jordan

Lesson 60 Exercise:
1. Develop a Plan
Engaging in these five actions will ensure that you maintain the most efficient skills for preventing relapse. Develop a plan that is unique to you. Post this plan on your Recovery Thread.
1. Prior to a Expected Triggering Event
1. Be aware of excepted events, like going to a Starbucks, going out of town by myself
2. Review Core values
3. Set an agenda of Do's and Dont's
4. Follow the do's and don'ts boundaries
5. When out of town, NO TV, Ingernet for only emails, work and RN
6. Give yourself praise

2. Prior to a Spontaneous Triggering Event
1. Set up options
2. Review consequences of each option
3. Choose an option (hopefully the healthy option)
4. Give yourself praise no matter what option is chosen

3. On the Experience of an Urge
1. Take yhe emotions that have been elicited and place them on the shelf
2. Chose all options
3. Review the consequences of each option
4. Based on the consequences, choose the best option (hopefully the healthy option is chosen)
5. Pasie yourself for following this decision

4. On the Discovery of Being “Off-Track”
1. Begin to re-gain stability
2. Identify the exact stress in your life that lead to the relapse, stress at work, home, etc
3. Examine your values and study them closely. Re-define and/or prioritize them
4. Develop a 3-day time management schedule that focuses on re-establish balance and stability
5. perform self assessment

5. On Schedule
1. List of major life events - conferences, attaining personal goals, working with teams and other colleagues
Triggers - Seeing pretty girls, woman smiles at me, Starbucks, commercial on TV, fantasizing while having relation with wife
2. Create an action plan for what you will do should you determine that you are currently struggling to mange your life/emotions: the easiest way to stop smoking to never start. I will apply the same principles here. Live my core values everyday. Review them before going to sleep and keep them updated
3. Review your life/this list weekly, adding to it as appropriate. Ensure that you engage in an honest, objective review
4. For the following six months, review your life/this list on a monthly basis
5. Continue to adjust the time between your reviews accordingly, but always schedule a review at least once a quarter

2. Motivators
A fundamental of early recovery is to establish a list of positive motivators that can be used to sustain one's focus and energy throughout the transition to health. Go back and examine your own motivators (Lesson One) — note those that continue to motivate you today and those that have lost their intensity. You will almost universally conclude that it is the positive motivators that have survived the crisis. Those based on negativity and fear (e.g. I don't want to lose my marriage; I hate who I have become) tend to lose their ability to motivate as the initial crisis wanes.

_________________
I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
~Michael Jordan

Lesson 64 Exercise:
Take today to envision where you are in your transition to health. What skills do you feel you have worked hard to develop? What skills need additional work? Explore your attitude in regards to whether or not 'addiction' is a part of you; or merely a pattern that developed in your life. Explore your awareness as to the role that your compulsive rituals played...and what it would mean should they return. Explore how you would respond? Explore your confidence level in that response. Explore your overall balance and stability...how much of your life is spent 'fighting urges, managing urges, acting out, engaging in recovery activities, etc.' versus how much of your life is spent just living. Assess your identity for hyper-sexuality. How prevalent is it? Assess your value system. How efficient are you in using it to make decisions, achieve balance, etc.?
Share any significant observations (from the questions listed above or others) in your Recovery Thread.

I started my fourth attempt at turning my addiction into healthy living 4 months ago. I have observed my transition to health as an adventure. I'm not there yet and probably will never be there, whatever there is. But what I have learned to do during my transition from sexual addiction to health, is to be true to myself by following my core values and not emotional bits of time that leads to slips, urges and ultimately acting out.
In my four months, I have come to understand that I must learn to assess my addiction regularly to avoid complacency. To continue to nuture the renewed relationship with my wife & continue to grow to balance my emotions with my values.
I know I'm just beginning but truly look forward to the months and years ahead of me as a healthy individual that believes in me!

_________________
I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
~Michael Jordan

Lesson 66 Exercise:
a) Consider your perspective towards potential triggers when you were in early recovery. Consider your perspective now. How has this changed?

It has changed significantly. I was afraid of these triggers and threatened me as a person. I tried my best to avoid them. Now I look at triggers as growth opportunities. i'm still learning how to do this. My action plans are helping a lot
b) List five potential triggers for you — that may lead you into a compulsive crisis. How can you shift your perspective of each so that they are not only NOT a threat to your values, but you can actually use these triggers to strengthen those values?


1. Seeing a woman dresses provocatively
2. TV commercials
3. Pop-ups on the computed
4. When a pretty woman smiles at me
5. Past porn images tucked in my mind


Look at these images, especially "mind images" as true people .... a wife, a daughter, a person who is a fellow human being. Even though they may be the cause of a trigger, these images and people are human just like me.

_________________
I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
~Michael Jordan

Lesson 73 Exercise:
While this may be the end of the structured part of the Recovery Workshop, note that your transition to health is an ongoing evolution. The tools that you have developed and are learning to use are ongoing. The experience that you need to develop is ongoing. In other words, your 'workshop' has not ended. Instead, it has just shifted from intellectual learning and application to a mastery of the application.
With that said, your final exercise of the recovery workshop is to celebrate. Treat yourself to one night where you celebrate the effort that you have put forth across the past seventy+ lessons. Share a special night with your partner. Buy yourself your favorite musician's CD. Take a trip. Do something healthy to reward this milestone...because you will have earned it. You can't get this far in the workshop without having made significant changes to your life. So take an evening to embrace those changes. To celebrate them.
Then get back to work. You have a life to manage.


Great parting words. I'm ready to live!!!!

_________________
I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
~Michael Jordan