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PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2021 2:04 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 85
Location: Canada
This is a work in progress for me, but I feel like I'm a wounded dog that seeks to suffer and die alone when suffering is great.
I've made great strides in expressing my emotions and my feelings during these situations which has helped me to not only understand those moments better, but it's also opened me up to honest feedback and/or criticism.
Why is the habit so great to shut down and just allow the pain and agony to become greater, instead of work through it?
I recognize that men typically are taught not to show or express emotion, is this the cause?
Is this a common symptom of those who feel shame and guilt?


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2021 12:15 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4095
Location: UK
Hello FR
Quote:
I feel like I'm a wounded dog that seeks to suffer and die alone when suffering is great


do I sense a tinge of "feeling sorry for myself" ?
if so then you should rid yourself of this

remember writing a couple of years ago

Quote:
I will forever take it upon myself to learn how to grow, respect and nurture myself, my Wife, my marriage and my family.

live that strive for it with every sinew
you found this programme you bought into it you knew it would not be easy but you are doing it and you are becoming better for it
commit really and totally commit

you posted that you
Quote:
feel shame and guilt


as so do all addicts who finally admit that they have a problem and decide to do something about it
I am guily of doing the things that I did I am ashamed of the harm and destruction that I caused the choices that I made
I will always be so
but I own that guilt and shame not the other way round

I know that I will never be able to make ammends fully but that will not stop me from trying to do so

As THE COACH Jon says in one of the early lessons
Quote:
we need to put our guilt and shame to one side - FOR NOW


as you progress in your recovery you can accept the guilt and shame and use it to steel your resolve as difficulties arise and are then overcome
hope this helps

remember your values and live by them doing so helps with emotions that are after all both finite and cyclic

choose wisely

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2021 2:17 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:07 pm
Posts: 163
Quote:
Why is the habit so great to shut down and just allow the pain and agony to become greater, instead of work through it?



Hi FR,

I feel like you answered your own question with this question…it’s a habit. What we resist…persists!

The good thing is that we can update our habits if we be can be mindful of the results that we get from the behavior of whatever it is that we are doing.

There’s another health based recovery program I use that explores the idea of turning towards our anxiety with curiosity. If you can be curious, just for a moment, whatever are the physical sensations that you may be experiencing…it may help you relax into whatever is so overwhelming.

So maybe next time you’re shutting down…perhaps explore with a sense of curiosity…what does it feel like to be shutting down in my body? noting any physical sensations that may arise. contraction...tightness...whatever it is...

-fm fka lk


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 01, 2021 9:37 am 
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Joined: Tue Jul 07, 2020 6:12 am
Posts: 93
Yes, I think this is common for many people, both in recovery and out of it: there are more ways than ever to isolate ourselves now that we all have devices and so many distractions. But particularly for people in recovery, there are also traumas, family of origin issues, etc. that may make us feel like we can't open up.

Some advice, take what you want and leave the rest:

As you say, it's a work in progress, and this is where therapy really can help, because it's a safe place to open up about those feelings. Learning to have supportive friendships with other men can also be helpful. I know that wives and girlfriends sometimes expect their partners to tell them everything and open up about every single emotion (I'm female) but this actually can be counterproductive. A good couple's therapist can help you and your wife learn to build intimacy in healthy ways that respect one another's boundaries. And yes, you can have boundaries with your wife, but you need guidance from recovery coaches, therapists, 12 step counselors, and other support systems to help you create and maintain those boundaries. Otherwise it just becomes a way to rationalize dishonesty. Rigorous honesty is essential, so learning to say things like, "I'm feeling really scared, but I don't want to talk about it right now because I need some time alone to process my emotions," or "I don't know what my emotions are right now, and I understand that you want me to share them, so I think I need to explore what's going on by talking to a therapist/coach/sponsor/pastor and then once I have a better sense of how I feel, we can sit down and talk about it." Set specific times for these conversations so she doesn't just think you're putting her off. And then keep those times -- don't "forget" or get "too busy."


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