Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Tue May 11, 2021 3:43 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 8 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Wed Nov 11, 2020 7:14 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:33 pm
Posts: 38
We did Stage 1 of the Couple's Workshop through September/October 2020 and saved our responses. Posting them here:

Caring Exercise -

Kelly01:

Doing this exercise brought me closer to feeling like a partner in a relationship. I didn't realize that I like taking care of someone. I felt like I wanted to do extra things without anything in return. That was refreshing for me to feel because I thought that aspect of myself was lost or helplessly dormant. When taking care of my partner's body, like brushing her hair, it made me see how delicate she is, and it made me understand just how much she needs a lot of care. It softened me to be willing to do things for her in the future. I'm now relating the physical to the emotional and I see how this exercise brings out the understanding in the partakers. I feel like I better understand how "small" actions can have a large effect on a person, good or bad. I feel like I tapped into the part of me that wants to fix things and was allowed to take more control. It made her trust me and I had to be mindful to live up to that trust. It felt good to accomplish these things for her. I just felt like a caretaker in a good way and enjoyed being there for her, and I did not expect that.

Emerald29:

The days leading up to this exercise made me feel a bit overwhelmed because I did not know what to expect, or how to feel. I was glad that we picked Saturday for this so that I did not have much responsibility to think about, or have many tasks to do. I woke up knowing that I would have to let my guard down even more today, and allow my partner to take care of me, and possibly see me in a different light. While I was working in the morning, he took the car to the shop, and I noticed that he was texting me more than usual which made me feel loved and thought of. When he came home, I noticed that he started doing the dishes on his own which helped me realize that my partner was doing this to alleviate stress off of my plate. It also made me feel love towards him knowing that he knows how to make me feel less stressed. A little later, I went to the kitchen to make a quick snack and saw my partner follow me so he can do it for me. This was both nice and amusing for me because I realized that he did not know how I like my coffee. It made me realize that I want my partner to be more curious about me and take more interest even in the small things like knowing how I like my coffee. A bit later he was leaving to run some errands, and before he was headed out the door, he came back to give me a kiss on the cheek. My love language is physical touch, so this gesture made me feel loved once again. When he got back, we decided to go to the store and get some groceries together. At the store, I noticed that my partner was being patient with me, and not making me feel rushed. When we were finished, he told me to not worry about loading the car with our items and to just get into the car and wait for him. When we got home, he told me that he would put everything away and that I can go relax. We then had lunch and watched a show together. My partner picked up after me so I wouldn't have to get up. In the evening, he did some personal things for me which made me feel even more taken care of. He started off with brushing my hair and made a comment about not realizing how careful he had to be with my hair. He gently brushed through my hair and it helped me feel relaxed. The last time anyone brushed my hair was when I was a little girl at my parents house(innocent without a worry in the world). I also had another thought at this time, that if me and my partner had a daughter in the future, that he would carefully brush her hair like this too and give her the love that I know he has. Later in the evening, he gave me a hand and foot massage. He would pamper me like this when we had first gotten together 8 years ago, so it brought back nice memories. When he was massaging my hands with lotion, he made a comment about my hands feeling soft, which made me feel good, but also realize how rough they can get when I clean our home and cook for us. I am glad that he was able to take care of me like that too. At night, he cuddled me until I fell asleep. Being in his arms always makes me feel safe and secure. Overall, this exercise helped me put my walls down and let love to come into my heart, mind, and soul. I hope that my partner continues to do these types of things to get closer to me.


Last edited by Emerald29 on Thu Nov 12, 2020 3:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2020 3:58 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:33 pm
Posts: 38
Exercise 3: Healing Contracts

Kelly01:

Timeliness- I need to have time taken into account, especially when we need to have a talk.
- If this is not abided by, I'll take the night or next daytime to myself.

Justice- As I progress in this, I should have more rights to my own devices and what I can do with them.
- If this doesn't happen, I'll have to end this relationship.

Loyalty- I expect that you're focusing on me and us, no one else.
- Any infidelity would end the relationship.

Support- I don't need negative feedback to my actions, rather support and assistance to not mess up again.
- If I get negative feedback in your demeanor, then I will need an apology and how it won't happen again.

Understanding- I need for your demeanor to come from a sympathetic place that shows you understand this is a battle in me that you can't truly grasp. That it is not against you.
- If I feel like this is being violated, we will have to stop the conversation and you can let me know when you're ready to approach me this way. If it comes to this, then the first consequence will also take place since time was wasted.


Emerald29:


Honesty- Be honest about everything. Don't hold anything back from me for the sake of no arguing, or to save your character for your own selfish reasons.
- If I have to ask or dig to get the answers I need, you will need to accept your mistake, apologize, and make amends.

Communication- We should be working on our communication daily. We will set aside time to research communication techniques and tools. We need to voice what is bothering us within 24 hours. Keeping things to ourselves or lying about them is unacceptable.
- If you hold things in, lie about them, or bring it up after the 24 hour mark that we discussed about, then you will be help responsible to blame for our communication issues.

Transparency/No shadiness- No taking opportunities, or finding ways around the contract when I am around, or not. This goes for any and all times.
Examples include: when I am out running errands, hanging out with my son, or even in the shower.
- If you take an opportunity, then you need to tell me within an hour and we will talk through it to prevent it from happening again. If you don't, and I find out, then you will need to apologize and find a way to make amends with me. We will need to talk through what happened to take preventative actions.

Accountability- Be accountable for unacceptable behavior and actions. Keep accountability software on your devices to have blocking of content, and transparency in our relationship. Having the software there does not mean that you should not be honest with me upfront. You should be honest with me whether I would see something or not. Our relationship needs to stop depending on the software.
- I will not take your efforts in giving your all to this recovery program if you refuse to keep the accountability software.

No Defensiveness- Don't have an attitude, tone, or cold behavior when we talk. Be open, kind, and honest so that we can remain productive in reaching a resolution together.
- If you become defensive, and are unable to keep a check on your emotions, then we will take a 30 min break. After the break, you will need to come to me, apologize for your actions, and work with me to continue moving forward.

Space- Allow healthy space between us where we go out individually to see family for a couple hours at least once a month. We can check our schedules and pick out a day together that works best for both of us.

Fidelity- Be faithful and loyal to me and our relationship. No physical or emotional cheating. No porn. No looking at images or videos that would be used, outside of the videos and pictures I have sent to you over the years. No searching for exes/past flings on social media. No fantasizing about anyone, but me. No checking out girls in person, or online.
-If you cheat on me physically or emotionally, then we will have a conversation about what happened, and talk about ending our relationship because of infidelity. If you used porn to masturbate, then we will have no contact for 24 hours and during that time you will make plans to apologize for violating our relationship, and make amends to move forward. If you view images or videos only, then we will have no contact until 9PM that day and you will need to make plans to apologize and make amends. If you indulge in fantasizing about anyone but me, then you will need to come clean within 24 hours and tell me what you plan on doing about this going forward. If you check out girls online, or in person, then you will need to tell me within an hour, take preventative measures, apologize, and make amends.

Family- Take time out to spend time with me and my son together. Once a month, we all should go out together to do an activity like bowling, movie, etc.
- No consequence outside of knowing that if you do not put effort into this with me, then I will be disappointed and won't feel great about our relationship.

Committed Physically- We will continue on with our recent plan to build upon intimacy by focusing on each other. This includes the things that we came up with together - only masturbating a couple times a week, using the photos/videos I have made for you for this alone time, and communicating with each other about needs/desires.
- Consequence- refer to Fidelity.

Commitment to the Relationship- be willing and committed to handling any issues together. Be open to changes that need to be done to achieve goals for recovery and healing. No fight or flight responses to our issues. No walking out when it gets hard, or walking away from the relationship without exhausting all options to save it.
- If you show any lack of commitment, I will voice how that has affected me and you will have 24 hours to make things right with me. If you choose not to, then I will take it as you not giving everything you had, and walked away from me when things got tough, rather than working with me because I believe we have a lot of potential to be a great couple.


Last edited by Emerald29 on Tue Dec 08, 2020 7:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Nov 17, 2020 10:01 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:33 pm
Posts: 38
On Sept 25th, we printed out the partnership contract, read it together, and signed both parts.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Nov 20, 2020 2:43 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:33 pm
Posts: 38
Exercise 5: Developing Meaningful Communication

Emerald29:

"Your partner is contacted by an old romantic partner that they haven't seen in many years. Not wanting to keep any secrets from you, they tell you exactly when the person will be in town and would like your permission to visit with them alone over dinner."

Ineffective: I would shut the idea down completely because there is no need to have dinner alone with an old romantic partner. I would also be upset for this even being a thought or consideration.
Effective: I would say that we need to sit down and talk about why you even want to consider this - having dinner alone with an ex. I would feel that my partner is crossing a line by having dinner with any other woman alone besides me. However, I would give my partner the opportunity to tell me why, and if I felt that the reasoning was not good enough, I would tell him this and let him make a choice. If he still chose to have dinner with this old romantic partner, then I would consider leaving the relationship because I have respect for myself.

"You come home early from work and find your partner masturbating to porn on the Internet. Upon seeing you, they quickly close down the computer and lie about what they were doing."

Ineffective: I would accuse my partner of being unfaithful, secretive, and selfish. I would ask many questions to know all of the details.
Effective: I would tell my partner that we need to talk, then ask him what triggered this behavior. I would let them know that this is not okay with me and ask them what they plan on doing it to change this behavior.

"You suspect that your partner is lying to you about where they were, but you have no proof."

Ineffective: I would get really upset and accuse him of lying to me.
Effective: I would let him know that I feel that he is lying to me about his whereabouts and give him a chance to be honest with me without getting upset and defensive.

"You find yourself feeling frisky and so you make a few sexual overtures towards your partner that are quickly brushed off. You are feeling hurt and rejected."

Ineffective: I would take it personal and lash out in other ways without addressing the problem.
Effective: I would do my best to not take it personally knowing how he feels about me sexually and physically, and ask him directly if he is okay or if he needs to talk.

"After discovering that your partner had been involved in many affairs over the course of your marriage, you experience the urge to ask your partner if he had an affair while you were pregnant some eight years ago. You want to know if he ever used your bed to have an affair."

Ineffective: I would get really upset and insecure, and start asking tons of questions that would never remove the hurt and pain I feel anyway from the affair.
Effective: I would do my best to stay calm and only ask questions that would help me move forward so I don't bring up the past again. If it is too much to deal with, then I would seek out couples therapy.

Kelly01:

"There exists something about your addiction that you were afraid to tell your partner about. The further you get into recovery, the more you realize the importance of absolute honestly not simply as a policy for recovery but as a value for your life. You now want to share with her these additional disclosures but don't know how. You fear her response will be targeted towards the behaviors themselves, not the maturity and growth that was at the center of wanting to disclose."

Ineffective: To continue harboring the information and not be open about it.
Effective: To muster the courage and find a way to bring it up, whether it be through text, note or verbal.

"After achieving two months of complete abstinence, you are feeling sexually frustrated and allow yourself to view porn for twenty minutes while you masturbated. She was in the next room sleeping. She is completely unaware of what you did. What's more, you have covered your tracks effectively, recognize that you wouldn't have engaged in this behavior if she wouldn't have sexually rejected you earlier in the night and feel certain it was just an anomaly. You are thinking to yourself that communicating this event to her will cause more problems than they will solve."

Ineffective: To continue harboring the information and not be upfront about what I did.
Effective: To muster the courage and find a way to bring it up, whether it be through text, note or verbal. To do it the next day when she wakes up.

"You have maintained abstinence from all overt sexual rituals. Still, a haunting feeling of insecurity and doubt has begun to develop inside your head. You don't want to act out, but are feeling uncertain as to your ability to maintain your abstinence."

Ineffective: To find quick release and give into the urge.
Effective: To find someone to talk to about the struggle.

"Your partner comes to you with concerns about you having lied about the details of an affair. You have been through this with her many times and nothing ever changes. Your answers remain the same (because they are truthful); her accusations remain (because she believes them to be truthful). You are at an impasse. (Note: this might be more difficult to process than the others so, work together to generate an effective response. Don't allow frustration to enter into the picture. See this as a puzzle to solve together."

Ineffective: To respond out of anger and lash out on her. To use it as fuel to slip up.
Effective: To try meeting with a coach or unbiased 3rd party to help mitigate the situation. Be reassuring and caring.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2020 9:17 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:33 pm
Posts: 38
Exercise 6: Intimacy Activity: Hidden Meanings

Emerald29:

I thought this exercise was fun and intimate. I used to write notes to my partner when we were in college together, so this brought back nice memories. I also enjoy expressing myself through writing so I was able to leave some sentimental notes for him throughout the home. The most creative one I did was write a note and leave it in our apartment mailbox so that he would find it when checking our mail that day. It was nice getting notes from my partner since he doesn't express himself too often. I felt closer to him during this activity too since we had fun finding the notes and were able to say how we feel in the messages without having too much pressure to say how we feel.

Kelly01:

When we did the secret notes activity, I felt like it was a great way for us to connect. I think that I am moved(affected) by written form, especially in a written sense. I also think it worked for us because the notes were short and sweet. Considering where we are in the relationship, it was appropriate for the way I feel(the length of the notes). had it been something like a whole letter each time, I think it would have the opposite affect and overwhelm me. I hid a message in the form of Q-Tips spelled "I <3 U" on the bathroom counter. Overall, an interesting activity that I think did us some good.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Dec 31, 2020 5:14 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:33 pm
Posts: 38
Exercise 8: (Completed on Oct. 12, but just now posting it here)

Emerald29:

Time:
I will do my best to make sure that we put in a good amount of time into these lessons and implement what we learn into our relationship. I will make sure to give my partner time to change and rebuild our relationship. I understand that my partner needs time to rebuild his own foundation of life and learn skills, take action, and change his values to be the healthy person I know he can be.

Support:
I understand that my partner needs my support to recover. I will encourage my partner to be healthy. I understand that if my partner is sincere in this process, then he will take my support, and that if he isn't being sincere, then he will deny my support.

Joy:
I understand that during this process, joy will also be experienced between us in our relationship and that I should take in those moments to get closer to my partner, rather than dismissing the joyous moments. By me living in the joyful moments and remaining committed to my partner and this process, I will naturally help my partner desire a healthy relationship with me.

Role modeling:
I need to model my healthy changes so that my partner feels like he can also change. I need to prioritize my values and protect my boundaries at all costs. When I make mistakes, I need to fix my mistakes with integrity and compassion. I need to rebuild myself not with resentment, but with reverence and respect.

Understanding:
If my partner makes mistakes, I need to meet him with understanding and use good communication with him. I need to make sure my partner knows that we are truly working together towards being healthy.

Accountability:
I understand that I need to hold my partner accountable for his actions and that his actions would have consequences mentioned in the contract. I will need to remove my emotions from my partners actions so that he can make a direct connection between his actions and the consequences with it.

Mercy:
I understand that during the recovery process, if my partner has a relapse, it will be a different feeling that entails of utter devastation, confusion, helplessness, and hopelessness. During these rare times, I understand that my partner will need me to be there for him to lift him back up and get him back on track for his recovery. I also understand that some things are not worth of mercy as other things are and I need to know my boundaries when it comes to mercy so that I handle it effectively without putting down my own worth.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Dec 31, 2020 5:21 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:33 pm
Posts: 38
Exercise 9: (Completed back in October, but just posting our answers here now)

Kelly01:

I remember feeling like this is really different, because I was not able to dialogue with Emerald29. I just had to listen to how she felt in regard to the example scenario. I wasn't surprised that she related to much of the story in regards to deception. It was tough not to try defending myself, even though there wasn't much to defend. I feel that I try defending myself because I feel like I'm all I have that will defend me. I was able to see more clearly just how much my actions have affected her.

Emerald29:

I knew that most of the feelings I was going to express would be hard for my partner to hear. He usually hears my feelings in the moment when something actually happens, but not much afterwards. In the past, when I had expressed myself, it would be in the heat of the moment and he would defend himself and we would end up fighting more because I wouldn't feel heard or cared about. This time, it was nice to have uninterrupted time to just express how I feel and what I have gone through. I felt like my partner was taking in everything I was saying, even if he did not like it. I did cry for a bit while talking because all the feelings that I tend to bury, were coming back to the surface as I was communicating them. Overall, I feel like it was much needed for me to express without being interrupted.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2021 10:14 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:55 pm
Posts: 43
Exercise 10: (Completed back in October, but just posting our answers here now)

Kelly01:If my partner did the things that I’ve done like lying, going behind my back and doing something that violated my values, my initial need would be to end the relationship. I wouldn’t continue to put up with that behavior, especially for so long without resolution.

If there were to be a way to regain trust, I really don’t know what I would need. I guess I would need them to tell me what they’re doing and when. But it would have to come from them willingly.

They’d have to show me by their actions that they’re trying to regain my trust. But that would only go so far, because I would still be suspicious of them regardless. I would need complete monitoring of the person to be ok in the relationship, but I wouldn’t want that, which is why I would end a relationship like that.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 8 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group